The Singing Supermodel

The absence will surely be missed

2008-02-17T07:35:00.000-08:00

How many of us could stay on top forever? How many of us could reign the world without a single mistake made? Well i could say no one is perfect. We're just human.

But those are the words of cowards. Only those who are scared to face the awful truth would say such things. The cynical side of me is telling me that he was just another asshole who liked to be around smelly k snorting scary looking bitches.

But my optimism is saying, for the times he will not be around, for the times his abbreaviated names were not spoken of, for the times his terms were not used in daily basis, are the times that I, ssx will be thinking fondly of him.

What are we fighting for?

2008-01-25T15:31:00.000-08:00

I just got back from a karaoke session with a bunch of business partners I made about 2 days ago. Yes, since 2 days ago, I have become a self employed businesswoman. It sounded cool and I loved the idea of me learning new things, meeting new people, having new friends.

Lately, it seemed that everything around me was working against my effort of trying to be positive. All the men who got close are now astray and all the things I hoped for – went out of the window.

Remember the times when we were younger and all we ever worry about was trying not to pick a fight with a classmate, a teacher, siblings or even our parents? Now that we are older, it’s all about fighting what’s within us.

Since Terry came back, I felt like I was being outed. It’s not like i have feelings for him, but when a man gave his best at the initial part of a particular relationship, women will have a certain expectation throughout the journey. And when they don’t perform as they should, women will become paranoid and disappointed. Some women might say they don’t feel that way and they could really be okay with it, but 2% of their hearts will soar eventually.

Terry started of with full of energy and passion towards me and I was beginning to feel comfortable in that zone. Meaning I will always know he will always be around me. Physically or emotionally. But when he started his shoot being the co-producer for the series, he became..cold. I became a needy chick whom I was not and started to pester him since he didn’t see me for over a week. This should not be good. At the very early stage of getting to know each other, we have become one of those couples who fights over the phone at night and usually ended with one of the party slamming down the poor old phone.

Why does this happen? Number one, when starting off a relationship regardless of whether it was a real commitment to romance or just sex or even between 2 new made friends, it is advisable that both parties should give in just a moderate amount of everything.

Example, when you meet a guy, DO NOT let him know that you really like him. That is of course, if you do. Play the guessing game and you will find that the duration would last longer than a one night stand.

Second, DO NOT sleep with him too soon. When someone has seen not only your naked body but also has tasted more than just your lips, they have the license of imagining you in that situation whenever they like. There will be no more surprises, no more excitements to look forward to. Yes, I know that it will be difficult for you not to do stuff on a guy you just met at a bar who looked like Wentworth Miller, but whether you only want him for the night or forever, you have to restraint yourself from the temptation.

Third, NEVER EVER reveal too much too soon. From your sex life to your exes to your Keep it to yourself and you will find that when it reached the 5^th month of knowing that person, you still have things to talk about.

Of course, I didn’t do the things listed above. I went straight into their pants and play the ‘oops-I-slept-with-him-too-soon-because-I-thought-he-was-worth-it’ card. As they said, if you want to buy a car, you should take it for a test drive. And sadly, the cars usually don’t perform well.

That was the main mistake I made in most of the relationships I had. Terry was the latest addition. When he finally got back into my room, the air became suffocating. We used to joke around about things, watch movies and fall asleep in each other’s arms. Spend hours talking about fashion and again, fall asleep. But this time around it was different. The internet got cut off, there were no interesting movies to watch together and he became one big asshole.

The finger situation. Some homes are flooded with physical stuff, while others have to drain the emotional flood. One night, after a long day with the council, I picked up Terry from his place because he said ,”I wanna come home tonight”. While doing my nails in front of this very laptop which was playing SATC (the episode where SJP was dating Aiden Shaw). Terry was lying on the bed when..

“Babe! Check out SJP’s tits! They’re awesome”

“excuse me?”, looking at him with full of exclamation marks on my forehead instead of questions.

“rewind it! I wanna show you her tits”

“No!”

“why not?!”

“because I watch this episode every fucking night. I could know Chris Noth’s dick size if I wanted to”

I went into the bathroom and slammed the door. The truth was, I couldn’t handle the disrespectful words which came out of his mouth. With my expressions so obvious, I thought he would be clever enough to cover his mistaken words. Yes, SJP’s tits are amazing and even Mylo knew that but when the guy you’re sort of seeing says that in your face at exactly 4.23 am, you’d be mad for sure.

I came out with anger. I tried to look at the positive side. At least this could be the most perfect time for me to dump him. Or this could also be the time to prove to him and myself that all the things I overlooked all this while even when most of the people have already warned me, are true eventually. But instead, I did the SSX way.

“it could be me, but this is not working for me. I sometimes, I repeat – SOMETIMES feel that you don’t respect me, as a woman. I could be the coolest girl you’ve ever met who could talk about anything at all with my guy friends, but that’s between my friends and I. But when a guy I’m seeing talks to me like I’m one of the boys, it’s weird and wrong. Like the other night, when I asked you whether it was okay for me to take pills with coke jokingly and you gave me a fucking finger in my face…what did you expect me to feel? Yes, I do realize that this thing we’re having isn’t exclusive and I don’t want it to be anyway but please, if you can’t respect me as much, at least acknowledge me as a girl you just met and that fingers are definitely not permitted in their faces.”

I was expecting him to respond maturely but instead he said..

“I want to go home”

He stood up and started to pack his stuff. At that point it was already 5 am and if he wanted to go home, I would have to drive him. I thought, if I take him as an adult, as I always do, it could end with such a mess. I could be screaming trying to make him admit that he was wrong as how an adult shouldn’t be acting. But at that very moment, I just realized that I’m dealing with someone younger, someone who would never understand what respect is all about. What’s arguing and what’s debating. What’s a fight and what’s problem solving.

So what was I fighting for? My pride?

“I’m sorry Terry, but you were so sweet when we met and I never expected you to be this rude now. Remember how you were when we first met? You were sexy, smart and respectful ”

And just as I thought I was making my point and that I was on the very accurate side of the wall…

“do you remember how YOU were when we first met?”

I was left speechless. What happened to me? Why have I become so paranoid, so needy and so so so not like the singing supermodel I was? I went into the bathroom. Leaving the tap water running as I sat on the toilet seat smoking my Marlboros. That was my very favourite thing to do whenever I had fights with Aiden when we were together.

When I came out, and as I was crawling into bed, Terry opened his arms and took me back into his nook. Where it felt nice and safe. He then kissed my head and said softly, “I’m sorry”.

I knew he was but I always believed that when men say they understand, they don’t. They just want to cut the fight short and go to sleep. Because even when they say they will try to understand, there is no such thing as trying. It’s either they do or they don’t. In Terry’s case, he didn’t I assumed but I knew he was trying his best to make me feel better. We made up and it felt as though we have reached the next level of communicating…in bed at least.

I sometimes wonder, why do most people say that make-up-sex is the best. Why cant sex after a lovely dinner be just as fastastic? Have fights suddenly become the next best foreplay? My best encounters in sex would be with the worst boyfriends. The ones who treated me badly. The ones who didn’t make me happy. The ones similar to Terry.

The one person who could hide her feelings the best, Curly was fighting her way through trying not to break up with Hammy. She kept on sending me text messages saying she loved Hammy so bad but where could her dysfunctional (in her words) relationship go? I, on the other hand fought the urges of replying to the messages to avoid being the accomplice in her personal life. And plus, I was broke that I couldn’t make any calls or send text messages.

One night when Terry was out partying with his celeb friends, Aiden called. He told me something I never thought I’d hear from him. He’s now seeing a new girl. Yea, yea. I have been with more than 3 guys after him but I was still selfish and I cant take him having anew person in his life. I couldn’t fight the feeling. The feeling which could bring us back to where we were. A complete mess. As much as I thought I could fight the negative side of me, I couldn’t. I could fight with a girl over a tutu skirt at a Topshop in Singapore but this, I couldn’t handle.

As I flip through the glued pages of my past, I couldn’t help but wonder, could a relationship survive without fights? Could we fight the feelings we have in us?

And further more, when it comes to relationships, what are we fighting for?

ssx

Right this very moment

2008-01-16T07:21:00.000-08:00

Right this very moment, Shopper, her friends and I are sitting at Starbucks with only one drink . One drink for me and the others didn’t dare to buy coffee since we just had an expensive Italian dinner earlier. I didn’t pay.

Why am I here? Because I don’t have internet connection at home anymore. My nextdoor neighbour decided to put password on their wireless connection.

Starbucks, any Starbucks always make me nervous. I don’t know why. When asking for drinks, I’m scared I would say the wrong things, spill the coffee or even trip on my imaginary Manolo’s.

Why do people need to drink fancy named coffee’s anyway? I thought. But then again, why do I like drinking fancy named cocktails? Even if it tastes like shit, I would still order because the names sound so tempting. Sex on the beach. Who wouldn’t want it?

It’s something about me and drinks. I don’t drink while I eat but I still order because everyone has a drink and I tend to order eventhough I will only drink it when the ice has melted.

I don’t know much about alcohol. I loved them, still do. But I was not brought up in a house where drinking alcohol over dinner was normal. All I know is that I love my Cosmopolitan, Lychee Martini and Long Island Tea. Maybe those are the only drinks I knew or maybe because Sex and The City portrays how posh and glamorous it looks drinking martinis.

Curly is at Pallate partying soberly like she always is. She invited me but I just got my period and I’m having the worst cramps ever. Plus, I’m running of cash, it’s scary.

Terry arrived in the city this morning.

Ssx: I registered your name for tonight’s private party at Pallate.

Terry: ick. I don’t think I wanna go.

Ssx: Okay then.

Terry: Are you going?

Ssx: yes.

Terry: don’t go.

What? Now he’s telling me what to do? No way! I’m not just running out of cash. I’m running out on ideas to write. See? Read again from the top and you can see how period cramps can make me so boring. Isaac has been quiet. Aiden came over the other day to visit Mylo. He was injured while doing a flip from a cliff down to a waterfall. Clever. What was a 28 year old DJ and an IT manager doing at the waterfall and was jumping off cliffs? He hit rock bottom literally.

Last few nights, while I was on the intoxicating world wide web, Curly texted me asking me to join her and Guitarist at Guitarist’s place for some soppy love movies. Without thinking I replied..

“sure I’ll be there”

Guitarist’s place is about 6 minutes away, so I thought I could drop by. Shopper came by with some problems to talk about with me when Lil texted me asking me to come over Raggae Bar.

Lil (sigh). And I never sigh! He has been texting me at 6 am saying “go to sleep”. He knew me too well. And he knew exactly how to make me smile. I have been sleeping at 8 am everyday. My world has turned upside down.

At Raggae Bar, Curly called..

Curly: Where are you?!

Ssx: Shit! I forgot about the movie, babe. I’m sorry.

Curly: where are you going?

Ssx: I’m with shopper. Going to Raggae Bar.

I didn’t have the guts to tell her Lil was the one who invited us. She would kill me!

Curly: I’ll see you there. Guitarist is coming. He insisted on us going for a ride in his new vintage BMW anyway.

At the bar, Lil was already drunk. Putting his arms around me…I mean my ass. He asked me to sit on his lap and more. His friend who was at the hotel when I joined Lil last few weeks, was there too.

Lil’s friend: why is Lil so excited? He wasn’t like this just now! Maybe he’s excited to see you ssx.

Maybe, I thought. Or maybe he was too drunk he couldn’t remember who I was. When Curly got there with guitarist, we both screamed..

Curly and I: Fuuuuuuck!!!!!

Guess what? We were wearing the same t-shirt, the t-shirts we bought few weeks at the Art Market. Curly was swearing when I insisted we wore the t-shirts together, and now we did it without planning it. We even wore the same beanies, beads and grey skinny jeans.

After a drink, we walked outside and Lil was trying to convince Shopper and the others to go to his place to drink more. What he meant was, he wanted me to go back to his place. Because if the others weren’t going, I wouldn’t go.

We decided to go home anyways. At home, Lil called..

Ssx: I’m lying on my bed

Lil: That sounds tempting

Ssx: come over

Lil: I’ll bring some vodka. But shit! I cant even stand up.

Ssx: if it’s too dangerous, don’t come. But if you wanna have fun, come. Come.

Lil: who will be there?

Ssx: no one.

What does he want? I mean, of course it’s clear what he really wants. But what does he want out of this relationship? That night, I want..him. So bad. Why does he have to come and go? Why can’t he just stay? And why can’t I stay mad at him for more than a week? Why is it that every time I see him, I will fall back to my old spot and be so tempted to repeat the whole thing? Estrangle-you is nominated in some categories for an award, and so is my group…and it left me mad. But why am I still thinking about him? Why is he in my thoughts every night? After that night, he kept contacting me… every night. Please leave me alone! LEAVE ME ALONE!!

PMS is a bitch. So I’m bitchy now. Sorry.

In The Closet

2008-01-16T06:31:00.000-08:00

Normally, when a girl moved to her new apartment, she will dream of the good times she will have bringing back guys, thinking about how the guys in her life would react when they see their new place and what not.

I - on the other hand, was excited to know that no guys wanted to come by and I had the house all to my lonesome self. But as time goes by, I realized I needed someone to organize my stuff lying all over the floor of my living area.

Terry who went back to his country and had nowhere to put his stuff, dumped 30 pairs of his shoes from Gucci to some other designer pointies, many many clothes and more stuff at my place.

So I took the high road and ordered myself a wardrobe. A nice tall and very spacious wardrobe I would love to death for it’s the only thing that could get me out death right now for being so unorganized.

And the wardrobe arrived. I was busy putting stuff in the new wardrobe when I had the urge of buying more stuff for the room. I have to admit, with my bank account draining faster than I expected, I should be more careful and cautious. But I couldn’t help it, this room is my new heaven and I’m going to accommodate as many beautiful things in it as I could.

Last few months, in an attempt to replace the irreplaceable catfish I had about a year ago, I have been asking around if anyone around me was going to give out cats for adoptions. Yes, cats. Yea, the miow miow ones.

As hard was it to believe I was ready to adopt, it was even harder for my friends to believe I actually wanted a jumpy animal around this fussy ssx. I’ve had many experiences with cats. Have had some since 11 and often ended in a tragedy.

My first one was a black cat (with white socks) which I called Blacky. It was injured when it came to my doorstep asking for some food. We kept it till one day it started going to a Chinese neighbour’s house for food when it found a more delicious and fattening food being served there. One day my father was doing some gardening when he saw the Chinese neighbour walking pass our house. My father stopped him and wanted to apologize for our cat’s behaviour.

Father: Hello Mr. Chong, I’m sorry about my cat going to your place to get food. It stopped coming back and that’s when we realized it’s been eating at yours.

Mr Chong: No worries, Elias. It was a good cat. Guess it loved my cook’s cooking.

Fheww, thank God Mr Ching didn’t mind.

Mr Chong: I think you should feed it with pork. The cat loved pork!

Ick. My family and I don’t eat pork. And we sure take Blacky as a family as well. From that day, Blacky looked sick and sicker by the day. Few months later it was found dead behind the neighbour’s house. Pork overdosed.

The next generations of Blacky, which were all black and were called Blacky Jr, Blacky Jr III and so on were all either dead or lost.

After I told people I was ready to adopt, some said:

Sweater: it’s great, hun. But you do know that cats need a lot of attention. Youre touring, would you have the time to take care of it?

Mom: You’re allergic! And you have asthma!

Shopper: if the cat dies, you’re going to get it from me.

Isaac: euw. Your house will smell of cats!

Aiden: that’s great! I will help you take care of the cat if you’re away.

Curly: Fuck. I lost my cat and now you’re gonna make me miss my cat more.

What most people don’t know is that, I’m a very loving person. I may appear like a bitch but I could also be the most loving parent ever. I love kids and I think cats could be so much like kids. They eat expensive food and they’re somewhat a pooping machine at the same time. When I love someone or something, I give them my 100%.

What people also don’t know is that whatever I keep or plant or whatever..will die eventually. People say I’m cursed. I don’t believe so eventhough the capsicum plant I just bought at Ikea few days ago is dying dramatically by the side of my study as I’m writing now. Maybe cats are different. I believe cats could lower my stress level at 50% per sight.

I was kinda nervous knowing a friend was going to give out her pregnant British shorthair’s babies once they’ve been delivered. And I pre-booked one of them. I was already imagining what it would look like.

One problem though, my mother was right. I’m terribly allergic to fur, especially cat fur. I once was at Lil’s place which had more than 20 cats - the whole night and got sick the entire following week. It was bad.

The babies were supposed to be seeing the world right about last week when Curly called saying..

“The British Shorthair gave birth to 3 kittens. One died and I don’t think the owner would want to give out the other two. She was pretty upset about the death”

Then I had a thought, maybe it was fated that I’m not a cat person. Most modern people consider being single and having cats are the new pathetic singles who loved aromatherapy.

Maybe I am a modern woman who could do internet all day in substitute of having loved ones. Have coffees instead of friends to talk to. Have phonesex with strangers instead of someone we love to cuddle with in bed on Saturday nights.

But on the 13^th of January 2008, a specific place and time changed my life. My mother who was at my aunt’s called asking me to pick her up because she was really mad knowing some kittens pooped all over the front of her apartment in her obsessively loved plants.

She insisted on me picking her that very moment and by the way she sounded, I knew she would kick the kittens’ asses once she got a hold of them.

I picked her up and she wasn’t not in the mood to talk at all in the car. Once we reached her place, I saw all the shits were all over the floor and she just asked me to leave because she didn’t want me to be around to see her be so mad and I’d be the closest target.

Just as I walked out of the elevator at the ground floor, I saw two identical twins looking up at me and this time they weren’t Curly’s boobs. Their eyes were bright blue and they were Siamese. I went to the car to tell my housemate to come and see them.

When we got back there, there were three! I was thinking these were the pooping culprits which got me into a lot of trouble with my mother. I tried to pick one up when two ran away so quickly we couldn’t see them the next second. But one just stood there looking up at me still. I picked it up and it went straight to my nook. Smelling my body and was purring lightly.

“can I keep it?”

“what about the other siblings?”

“we take them too!”

“uh uh I don’t think so”

“but what if I only take one?”

“then the siblings could die you know”

It was love at first sight. I knew that was mine and I didn’t care. I picked up my phone and called the cat expert, Shopper.

“Babe. If I take a sibling out of three from the others, would they die?”

“noooo. They wont!”

After I convinced my housemate, we went into the car and drove off to my place. But on our way there, the cat got scared and flipped.

“Ssx, I think it missed it’s brothers. Let’s just take him back. Please, look at it. It’s really scared”

My heart was crushed but I didn’t want to be the one breaking up a family as they were the only family left for this little baby. We drove back to my mother’s place and as I opened the car door, I let it free. I thought it would be running back to it’s brothers. But it just stood there on the road, looking up at me.

“go! Go to your brothers!”

It just stood there still. Looking up at me with eyes that screamed, take me out out here. Take me with you.

“ssx, I think it likes you. let’s take it back home”

It totally put a smile on my face. In the car, the kitten was looking out the window and purring at the sight of cars and street lights. I have not had a wedding yet, but I’m pretty sure the feeling was just as good as how I would feel on my wedding day. I was in love.

When we reached home, I left it on the floor and it was walking around smelling each corner of the house. And at times it would look at me and purr.

“what would you call it?”

I smiled and I said..

“Mylo.”

The next day I went shopping for Mylo. IAMS, litter sand, litter box, flea spray, shampoo and more. There goes my DVD player out the window.

Mylo has been the bestfriend I’ve never had. It’s been so good and as I thought it would be a bitch to potty-train it, it wasn’t at all. After I gave it food to eat, I put it in the litter box once and Mylo did it’s business in the potty ever since.

Right this moment, it’s sleeping on my bed with Curly. Both beautiful creatures of The Almighty sleeping soundly with me staring at them lovingly.

And best of all, I’m not allergic at all with the fur. God has finally given me a chance to pour all my love to a cat.

Isaac has registered to be godfather and I’m sure he will be a good one. Sweater came tonight to visit the new born. Eric will be coming tomorrow. Shopper was the most supportive one among all. She sent me some extra cat food, litter sand and more. Terry who is coming back tomorrow has been so eager to see Mylo. My housemate who was scared of cats was so surprised at how cute Mylo could be going into his room, rubbing it’s face against his feet. He faced his fears and now couldn’t get enough of kissing Mylo. Sweater was excited to know that I finally get a cat. And my mother, she still doesn’t know the culprit is now sleeping on my bed.

Over all, 2008 is looking very promising for me and I cant wait to spend the rest of the year and the years to come with Mylo.

ssx

Lost In Translation

2008-01-08T10:46:00.000-08:00

Weeks went by and I just realized that since I quit my job, nothing productive has been done. I get up late everyday. My PA Eric agreed with me. He just quit his job and we then both agreed on trying to be more disciplined. I’ve worked for 5 years and I thought this was the time to reconnect myself with me.

Isaac and I went to a gig last Saturday. It was held at an old bungalow and some friends were there performing. Curly only decided to join us when I told her that the vocalist who loved to pull down his pants during gigs was there.

Ssx: Curl, the guy is here. You’re going to miss his ass.

Curly: I’ll be there in half an hour!

Lorna (estrangle-you) was there with lil. Well, they’re bandmates. And they were playing that gig too. He came to say hi when his jealousy acted out on him. I was talking to his bandmate who recently has been contacting me non-stop. He sent me a very jealous text msg on new years eve when he found out I was talking to his bandmate the night before, on the phone.

The band, Estrangle-you, just released their first album. Lil recorded it not knowing that Lorna was just playing him. I heard people saying the album was good so I bought it.

After dinner, I sent Isaac home and I, went home. With Estrangle-you’s melody playing in my head, with their copycat intros and other familiar choruses, I started writing and writing while my fingers were beginning to feel weak.

I stopped and looked at the mirror. I saw a strong woman crying over the fact that she was lost. The woman who looked graceful in the eyes of the public. The woman who once said she would never sweat the small stuff.

I was talking to Isaac while all the tears kept running down my cheeks. I was devastated by the fact that I have been lost along the way. Along the way of trying to find myself, I came to a dead end.

I had to face the fact that I suck being a pop singer. I don’t sing well, I tried too hard, my fashion sense went downhill and my focus was all scattered. I looked at myself in the mirror once again, and I asked myself..

“what do I expect to be? Look at where I was, why am I here? Where have all the passions gone? Could I still see myself beneath all the superficial things I’m dealing with now?”

Maybe I hate Lorna not because she was fat, or the fact she was using everyone around her to get what she wanted or that now she has an album which was her.

Maybe I hated the fact that she got what she wanted, achieved something she was passionate about; music, copying people’s songs and trying to take away people’s happiness. Regardless of the fact that she had to use the people around her, make everyone hate her…she worked hard and she got it all. While me, I was just too lazy to make things happen.

For 9 years of singing, preaching about how some people are just so plastic, doing things just for the sake of money and fame…where am I now? Aren’t I doing what those people are doing?

I looked around for our demo cd recorded the other day and I couldn’t help but to cringe at my own voice everytime I hear it. I stopped the player from torturing me with the sounds of me trying not to be myself in my own music. I walked to my workstation and passed the mirror of stranger.

I dare not look at my own self. I pressed the backspace button till all the angry letter I wrote to myself was gone before me. Took a deep breath and started a new one.

Dear Ssx,

You are an idiot for letting a manipulative bitch make you feel this way. She’s not worth your time and tears. Please come back to your senses and let’s work together in finding yourself again. You have got too much to lose. The group put in a lot of effort and faith to make this work so don’t waste it. This might not be the thing you’ve pictured it to be. You have never wished to be on tv and singing pop tunes, but please be thankful that at least it pays your bills and please think of all the girls who would kill to be in your shoes. Do your best, not just at the things you love, but also the things you might find as another junction in life you had to take for you come to another round-a-bout. Which could open up to 4 or even more options and by then, you’ve got it all. The experience, the journey, the material for the sequel of singingsupermodel and maybe even yourself. Try multitasking but don’t ever lose your track for you will lose yourself again. Let people say anything they want to say. Let them do whatever they want to do. And you will find that those people will let you do what you want to do because that’s you. and no one else except The Almighty and yourself know it better. I will leave you to your own thoughts. Let me know when you’re ready to come back.

Love,

Ssx

I couldn’t go to sleep, tossing and turning and was trying to lose the strangling tune I suddenly remembered the movie Isaac and I was watching at his place recently. The effort of trying to hum the tune loved by me and him, got me tired and I fell asleep.

A tune suddenly woke me from my slumber.

Mmmm mmmm mmmmmmmmm mm mmmm mmmm mmmmmmmmmm mmm

I thought I was dreaming, but I wasn’t and I was humming to the exact tunes of the exact number played in that movie. I took out my phone and recorded my voice. Then I had a thought, maybe I didn’t find myself just yet, but I found the chorus I was more than willing to play in my head forever.

Later that day I spent the whole day going here and there sorting out some stuff for the group, our music videos and some contracts. While waiting on the couch of the production house, I looked into my phone and was trying to find some songs to play when I saw a file saved “Once”.

At that moment I knew I had to go look for the dvd and start singing the song and not just making up words to sound clever.

At home, I turned on my YM and there he was. All of his name appeared and so I said…

Ssx: hey papa.

Isaac: hey

Ssx: guess what?

Isaac: what?

Ssx: I got the dvd.

Isaac: what dvd.

Ssx: Once

Isaac: haha! That’s great!

Ssx: and am singing the song right this very moment.

Isaac: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAEB53-QILA

Ssx: ahhhhhhh

Isaac: beautiful song, yes?

Ssx: as beautiful as the movie. I’m singing.

Isaac: haha.

Ssx: what are we doing?

Isaac: we’re watching the videos of the song we love from the movie we love - on youtube.

Ssx: yes we are. This is nice.

Isaac: :)

After all the things we’ve been through, after all the heartaches, after being lost in a world of lost people, we found ourselves with goosebumps, in front of our laptops listening to a song which made us weak in the knees.

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

I’ve never been a fan of putting up lyrics in my writing, but I believe this one right here, is worth the corniness.

ssx

twothousandeight

2008-01-07T14:36:00.001-08:00

As I am writing right now, it’s already 2:21 am and I’m in the midst of finishing up a few designs for an Italian company. They wanted me to come out few colour combinations for scarves - women tie around their necks, Muslim women wear on their heads or even on their handbags. I met with the boss of the company and he seemed scary. Just now, he texted me..

“have you finished the designs? I need them by tomorrow”

After scouting for many many furnitures at Ikea and few other stores, I came back to my lovely pad and started to find some nice colours to match European women. But since my laptop kept on hanging on me, I decided I should write instead.

It’s been 8 days since we moved to another year. A good year I suppose. 8 has always been an unlucky number for me but somehow I liked being known as one of those who believed that the number 8 brings good luck. Every year end, I would summarize all the things I’ve experienced and felt throughout the year and end it with some hopeful wishes.

Like last year, I wished that in 2007, I will come out of my boredom and step out into the light. I did. I also wished that I will somehow overcome the dreadfulness of finding guys to sleep with, boys to have fun with and men to have a relationship with. I didn’t.

While some Bangladeshi guys were washing my car, I read a newspaper and in there were some hopeful wishes of the leaders of the country, editors of magazines..easy put, successful people at about every field. Often ended by how much money they’re hoping to make. All the ups and ups. Better and wealthier.

One of them was a writer who was hoping that he won’t have the energy to stay in his resolutions lane and just go with the flow. I had a thought, if a person like him could be successful, what chances like an ordinary girl like me have?

On the new years eve, I was feeling excited when Isaac called..

“what are your plans?”

“nothing”

“good. Let’s buy some plants for my apartment”

As interesting as that may sound, I was still doubting the whole scenario. Why does Isaac need an organic thing in his very geometrical life?

For those who didn’t remember Isaac;

Isaac was a guy I met in 2000 (?). We played the same concert when I was singing with a ska band back in 2001 (or 2). What I could remember of him was that he was DJ-ing that night and his ex-wife was pregnant and was drinking in front of me with her son sitting on her lap.

I recalled of his infamous talent as a musician, producer, DJ, art director and more. But somehow, from the way he looked, I knew he was an asshole. I was right.

In 2003, I was madly in love with a vocalist of a band from another country named Dane. The band was one of them big ones that year and often came down for shows. Being a groupie not to his band, but to him I obliged on picking the band up from the bus station and send them to wherever or whichever studio they wanted to crash.

One of the band members, Kevin was heard saying…

“Dane always flock with the superstars, models and all the “cool” people”- giving his annoyed look referring to how the whole band will stay together except Dane who will always chill with the “cool” people such as Isaac and his (now) ex-wife, who was a model. Still is.

In my head, I knew Isaac was an arrogant motherfucker. And not a piece of him makes me want to get to know this guy better. Judgie-wudzy-wuz-a-bear.

Next thing I know we were at the bus station sending the band back to where they belong. I was lighting up a cigarette in the middle of the hectic station when a naïve guy from the band lit up his..

Isaac: you cant smoke here

Naïve guy: but she’s smoking (pointing his index at me)

Isaac: maybe she’s rich

Looking up at him, he was looking up at a sign that said “no smoking. $5000 fine”

What an asshole, I thought.

Years went by, Isaac got a son, divorced then dated a lady rapper (is that what you call them?), broke off and was single for awhile until he met an underage-strappy heel wearing Chinese girl and was in a relationship with her for awhile.

While me, I was aggressively dating some drug addicts, musicians and many other skinny and weird looking guys. And then I met Aiden who became the guy in my life for almost 3 years. And till recently, I was single. Single as in really single. I used to refer being single as going out on multiple dates with unknown mofos to distract myself from my depression. Some people take drugs, I overeat and date guys who can’t drive.

We engaged in a little YM/MSN flirtation over the years of us not being entirely available. But somehow, when I define first dates as the day you find out how the kisses are with the guy, Isaac and I have never even touched each other’s skin.

We talked almost everyday for years. I broke up with Aiden because Aiden thought I was having an affair with Isaac. How stupid. If only Aiden knew what was happening.

And to prove Aiden right, we had a couple of dinners, drinks here and there and often went around driving around his housing area.

So on the last day of 2007, I decided I would want to see how far this could go. Don’t say I’ve never thought or fantasize about Isaac, I have. Plenty of times. But guys like Isaac don’t come often. He is someone you could totally be blunt with. Someone who can be so mean to you and you could just smile and say “he’s mean, but he speaks of the most honest truth”.

He has been through so much at a very young age. And now, at his fresh 30’s he’s someone who can take all the bullshit with a smile while saying “IDGAF” (I don’t give a fuck).

I was waiting for the right time, the right moment. I figured since it was Sweater’s birthday and she had been bitching about the fact that Isaac was so perfect for me, I say..

Ssx: yes…let’s go get some plants

Isaac: sweet. I’ll see you at my place later

Okay I lied a little bit. Just a little bit. I went to see him after Aiden’s event. After I told Terry I was going to sleep. We snuggled, we cuddled. Isaac? A cuddler? As hard it was to imagine it, it was even harder for me to react to him touching me. He knew what he was doing and I was pretty sure he was worried that what we were about to plunge into might somehow jeopardize the friendship we had since years before.

His touch was soft, he voice was like music, his studio apartment felt warm, his tenderness felt foreign. It’s like being with another person. I told him..

“This feels so familiar. It’s like we’ve kissed before”

Maybe we knew each other too well before anything happened. That’s why when the moment arrived, everything felt right. The modern romance gurus tell us to kiss a stranger and if the kisses were great then everything will eventually be great. I’d like to know who started that urban myth, and I‘d gladly to kick her ass till her nose bleeds.

After the firsts, he played his guitar. His song. While talking carelessly with a cigarette between his lips. He was communicating comfortably.

“men like Isaac…they’ve seen it all” – an acquaintance once said to me.

At the plant shop, he was being so sweet. Maybe it was because of the fresh smell of the greens. Maybe it was the sweet lady who attended to us. Maybe Isaac is sweet. Maybe.

He bought two plants. Which he named after…oh well. It doesn’t matter.

We then head back to his place. With no specific plan to end the year, he took out two books from his shelf. Chuck Klosterman – A decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas, Killing Yourself To Live: 85% of a true story.

“you might’ve heard the name somewhere. Or read them in my friend’s blog”

There’s nothing like reading. In an air-conditioned room, dimmed lights, soft music echoing at the back of your ears. I loved reading books. Especially when it’s about nothing. Just words and some made up statistics of the unknown.

Isaac and I spent the new years reading Chuck’s words. Halfway through the book, I was hoping Curly who had to pick up Hammy who just got back from Bali – at the airport to be at a nearby mall. It’s her birthday and it was meant to be celebrated. Every year, I will always tend to miss it because of my endless party nights even though new year meant nothing to me.

I was determined to see her. Isaac, his bandmate and I walked to the mall to check out the fireworks. Walked back to his place after the countdown.

We were rolling around on the bed, he went down to get me a toothbrush and there we were again, in each other’s arms. Comfortable and it felt good.

I was a bit disappointed that I couldn’t be with Curly on her 24^th, but there will be more time to celebrate it with her. Curly, don’t worry. Once I make it big, I will buy you your Polaroid camera.

While I was not in my naked season and was not feeling so hot, I was just lying there waiting for things to be done. With the street lights dawning on on us, with the sounds of vehicles outside the window…something felt wrong.

I wasn’t feeling what I was hoping to be feeling. We didn’t quite connect. It was too fast. Though we communicate along the way, I knew we weren’t on the same page. It was excellent. Rockets flying. But somehow we forgot that one thing we were supposed to do. Slow down and be patient.

I became stiff. I was usually the one being in charged. I was so used to handcuffing guys to the bed and slap them like bitches. Why did I become like this? Why was I so boring? Maybe what Lil said was right.

And here comes the paranoia.

I was so conscious of how I would look in front of him. I was so conscious of how I sound reacting to his penetration. I didn’t let loose. For a man with many opinions, I became paranoid.

This has never happened to me. Why do I care so much? Do I like him? Maybe I do.

And as I looked at my watch and it was already 2008, maybe it’s time I should reconsider my choices. But don’t believe everything you read.

After all, 85% of the content might be true and another 15% might just be you – Klosterman

ssx

Young Men vs. Older Men

2008-01-01T03:33:00.000-08:00

I have been absent from my own thoughts for a few weeks now. It’s not like I don’t have anything to think about, it’s just that I didn’t have time to put in writing and I honestly didn’t know where to start.

Let’s start with why I decided to put all of these in my head and call it what it’s called. Since I was young, I have this thing in my head that I could swear that I won’t be involved with anyone close to my age. Not a year or two older. Not the same age. Definitely not younger.

I remember being an outcast and was falling for a friend’s cousin who was a year younger back when I was 13. Wanting to have a boyfriend so bad, I decided to have a telephone relationship with this guy. I thought that was going to be it. I would get married to him. But of course, as we grew older he met a younger girl and settled with her. I saw him yesterday at my friend (his cousin)’s engagement party and he was looking good. He was the photographer. We’ll get to that if I still remember, aight?

So last week was a shitty week for me. No wait. This whole month. Let me start with how I was kicked out of the company I was working with. I submitted my resignation letter last 30^th November. And I was planning to give the whole office a shock about a week prior to my last day, December 31st, 2007. Turned out I was the one who got shocked. Since leaving the company got me excited than getting The Cure’s double disk edition, I have been waking up late and have been missing from the office so often, they thought I was already gone. Sweater was the only one who knew, I mean besides Curly. Sweater was acting all weird and I was beginning to think it was her. It was actually me. Since she joined us in the company, we got close and were inseparable. As lovely of an idea it may seem, she knew that one day I will leave that hole and come out to the surface to do my thing – once again. She knew who I was and when I will be gone so she was getting ready to lose me.

On Friday, I came in at 1.30 pm with a smile on my face. The president of the company, Harry called me into his office. When I stepped into his office, I saw all the management people in there looking at me and at that moment I knew I was fucked.

Harry: I know you’re leaving in about 2+ weeks time. But since your attendance these days are distracting other people from working, I think it’s best that you leave today. Ssx, your very awaited last day is today. Please clear your desk in an hour. The IT people will be there at your desk to check your pc. We don’t want you to steal any important documents of the company. Oh, and please keep this to yourself. Don’t go around telling cheap stories.

Yes. I was dying to apply what I’ve learnt in typing menus to my singing career. Old men could be cruel even though you treat them like your fathers.

Of all the years I spent there, trying to make things better, I was called a thief on my last day at work.

I cleaned up my pc. Transferred all pictures and the songs we shared into Hammy’s hard disc. The disc crashed. No memories left.

I was sitting in my new room looking at the white walls around me – trying to find the energy to peel my ass off the floor and start painting the room when Shopper called.

Shopper: Tonite, Bungalow!

Ssx: are you actually inviting me to THE Bungalow?

Bungalow, a new club in the city. It was so exclusive even a supermodel like me cant go in without anyone there I’ve fucked.

I have been saying no to partying with Shopper for so long I think it’s the best time to make it up to her. Anyway, I’m jobless and still get paid for this month. Just a broken heart, not a broken spirit.

I wore my new pants, with yellow Marc Jacobs top – totally looking cool and as if I didn’t need a party to get me excited, but actually I was very. Shopper was already drunk when I got there. Around me, I saw many celebrities. From the most untalented actresses to scary, loud models.

Shopper was trying to fix me up with a friend of hers, that’s why she was so keen on me being there. I was trying to get away from the whole thing so I walked outside of the Bungalow and then I saw a familiar face, smiling at me. He was cute. Wearing a pair of Cheap Monday skinnies, black v-neck tee and a lot of beads. He just got there and was walking towards me from the gate when I looked away and wanted to pretend to not see him when..

Cheap Monday guy: hey.. how are you babe. I told you I always see you around this area.

……….

Oh yes. I know him. We had the same show together. Remember the stadium show I had about a month ago? I thought he was charming when he talked to me backstage. He came up to me and said “weren’t you out partying last night at…”. I looked around to see if Producer was there and said “shhhh…”.

Producer knew me too well to let me talk to any beautiful men around me.

I thought the guy looked cute so the next day at the office I asked sweater since she was the only one I knew who knew stuff about the pop world.

Sweater: what’s his name?

Ssx: I don’t know

Sweater: where’s he from?

Ssx: I don’t know

Sweater: do you even remember how he looked like?

Ssx: Cute, I guess

Sweter: urrgghhhhh. Okay now let’s Google the concert you did then we could see the line ups and from there we could Google the line ups one by one.

The ever so supportive one third of me.

After searching and searching, we found him. Thanks, Google.

His name was Terry Zachary. Seemed nice and warm like a terry cloth towel. A singer from a neighboring country who was trying to make it big here. And he’s a year younger than me. Google, you have too much information to offer.

……….

Terry later said he’ll see me inside the club. I walked around alone in the club hoping he would come and see me, and he did. He held my hand and offered me a glass of drink - attentive and polite. He introduced me to his friends and many of them without saying my name - I knew he forgot my name. He asked for my number and asked me to spell my name myself – old trick. We talked about how we both started singing, I could sense that he’s young age has got something to do with it.

I learned that he was a professional football player in his country, he’s really into fashion, he was spotted by a known producer in my country when he was performing at an award show and more of his stuff. I was beginning to feel like we were talking about him, him, him.

By the end of the night, everybody was looking at how we were so comfortable with each other. I was rocking my Naima Mohawk and was holding hands with a pop singer. He walked me to my car and asked if we could hang out again. I smiled and went into my car.

As I reached my mom’s, he called and it felt weird because men in my world stopped calling after they hold your hands. Men in my world have more than a million excuses for not returning your calls for two weeks. Men in my world suck.

We talked and he seemed interesting. Maybe younger men are a new designer drug. In a nicer packaging and came straight from the factory. Fresh and addictive.

The next day, my mom wanted to buy a vacuum cleaner right outside of our apartment area. We could walk there but we didn’t want to carry the heavy vacuum cleaner up the apartment in the middle of a hot day. I was busy typing a text message to the council as I drove out of the security guardhouse

‘T-e-r-y- -w-a-s- -s-o-…’

*crashing sounds of two vehicles

Yes, I got into an accident. I was still in shock when two older men came to my window and were looking like they were ready to kick my ass anytime. I didn’t see anything coming or else I would’ve stopped, I swear.

Older man #1: what the ___! *&^#%# are you blind or something?!

Older man #2: you should’ve stopped! My car was halfway out when you came out.

My car was still in the middle of the street and everybody was looking. I opened my car door said..

Ssx: is this how 2 middle aged men talk to a woman? Huh?!

They asked me to park my car by the side and I was hoping we could discuss as adults. I was wrong. They were still raising their voices at me as if I was the one illegally parking by the side of the mosque.

Ssx: funny how two adults could gang up on a woman trying to fool her

Older man #1: we’re not ganging up on you! Stop saying that. It’s only fair of what I said. You think your car got knocked bad? Did you see my car?

Yes I saw his car. A lousy falling bumper from a 1985 car. The bumper should be falling by now anyways. Mine was a less than 3 years car, with my whole passenger door crushed.

After we reached to an understanding that they will pay for my car ( I don’t know how much), I went into my car and I felt like I should cry. But what for? I was a child who didn’t cry since I was young (we’ll get to that) but as I grew older and they said that crying make us feel better, I started crying after the slightest arguments or any misunderstanding.

But this time, I felt the older men don’t deserve a minute of my time and not a shed of my tear. I was not upset about the accident. After all it was an accident. But I was more upset about how older men could be such assholes.

We still went to buy the vacuum. At least we felt better.

Later that day Terry called and he was sounding as if he cared. The cynical me was telling myself, yeah whatever. Sweater and few others were worried. But only one offered help. And the sexiest one too.

Isaac: was the accident bad?

Ssx: worth about 500 bucks. I guess it’s bad, for me.

Isaac: if you need any help, just let me know.

Ssx: that helps

Apparently the young guy, Terry was so into me he agreed to help me paint my room. That night, I went to his place to get him. His place is just 5 minutes away from mine. He was staying with his producer, his PA and his producer’s daughter.

Terry who seemed so plastic showed me another side of him I never thought I’d see. He was sweet, funny and cute. The only problem was, he was a pop singer.

I’ve been through things like this plenty of times. When a guy looked as if they really wanted to help, they actually wanted something else. But this young guy I’m with, he’s up for anything. He’s full of energy and surprisingly, he painted my wall nicely. With full effort.

While he was busy doing my walls, I was busy doing Facebook. He didn’t mind. Once in awhile, he came over and kiss my head. It felt so comfortable as if we’ve met each other long before the night at The Bungalow.

He was helpful with all the stuff I said I could do. Like my workstation. He put my table together. The table I’m writing on right now. Makes me smile thinking how cute he looked trying to so hard to make it work. He had blisters on his fingers and I thought I should treat him to some beers.

I don’t drink beer, but he does. We stopped by at his friend’s place. They had more than one beer. They were playing the drinking game. They’re young and they didn’t mind their friends puke all over their bathroom floors.

We couldn’t leave the puke fest until we watched a video called ‘Two girls in a cup’ or something. Things like these could actually amuse them. I played along though I felt like a mother picking up a son from a slumber party (do guys have slumber parties?).

I let him stay the night in my room since I saw how sweet he was with me. Though I’m not so used to public affection, holding hands and more, I was willing to overlook all that and move to another level.

We had our first kiss. It was a bit shaky at first but we then had the best times of the night. Let’s just put it this way. By the way he did stuff, we knew he hasn’t been getting a lot of it, but he knew where to put stuff and he knew how to navigate them. Nuff said.

That morning, I sent him back to his place. In my world, we were supposed to pretend what happened the night before didn’t happen and act all cool with it. No kisses on the lips, no physical contacts, no nothing. Maybe the people of the era I was so into were too scared of commitments. We were scared that if we put ourselves out there, things get rough and we will lose all concentration in life. We have too much to think about, responsibilities, families, careers and we think that sex and relationships are a big waste of time. But when we fall for someone, we might jeopardize everything we had. People of his era hold your hand while youre driving. They inhale your hair smell. They kiss you on the lips and tell you how beautiful you are. People like me just smile awkwardly and say “yeah. See you whenever”.

Later that night, Fary was already asking me where I was going because it was Christmas eve. With my car in that condition and I was really tired going here and there trying to get my car fixed so I wasn’t feeling the hots to party.

Fary: you better come out. We’re going to Palette. There’s a float party something something.

Terry called asking where I was going.

Terry: it’s Christmas eve, where are you going? we’re going to the Bungalow, babe. Come!

I would if I didn’t have to pay 100 bucks to go in.

Ssx: neaahhh.. I think I’ll stick to Pallete.

Terry: that indie joint? I don’t think that place is my cup of tea. But please come join us at the Bungalow, alrite?

After discovering Pallete was a total boring place to party for Christmas, me and Fary decided to find another place to party. Somewhere cheap but classy – no such place.

I made some calls and I got a hold on a guy I called my so called brother. His name was Bullet, a big rugby player who used to take care of me since years ago. A very stern guy with a very soft inside.

He said he was at the bungalow. We went there and he got us in.

Ssx: hey big brother, I want you to meet someone. Someone I’m kinda seeing.

Bullet: who is he?

Ssx: a singer. From _______

Bullet: from _______?!?! Why do you always like guys from that country? They’re all self centred assholes..

Ssx: just meet him okay? He’s really nice.

What do I know? All I knew was he was cute and I seriously need to get laid.

After Bullet met him and was so sure he didn’t like Terry, he pulled me to all the places Terry couldn’t reach for me. At the end, I was partying alone at a corner where I could clearly see Aiden’s Indonesian juggy ex-girlfriend and rossa. I was bored and furious at the whole situation. i did shots and the next thing I know, I was being carried by Terry outside of the club.

Terry: what happened to you?

Ssx: fuck

Terry: babe, you alright?

Ssx: fuck

Terry: you wanna go home?

Ssx: fuck

Terry : (trying to find my valet ticket) hold on to me.

Ssx: I wanna go home..

Suddenly out of nowhere, bullet swooped in and pulled me from Terry who was paying for my valet and asked his other big bald friend to drive me home.

The next morning, I woke up to a new place. Fuck, where am I? As I walked outside, I saw bullet and his friends having breakfast.

Everybody: Morning!!!

Ssx: morning guys. What time is it?

Bullet 12.40 in the afternoon

Ssx: shit!

I promised my mother to pick her up at 7 am to go down south to send Jessica home and I was more than 4 hours late! I rushed home, took a shower and went to pick up my mother who was already more than furious with me.

But as usual, the coolness in her brought us back to where we were. While driving listening to Jerod’s work life as a waiter at Pizza Hut, my car went out of control. We pulled over by the side of the highway and guess what? My tire blew and it was really bad. Jerod and I changed the tire and continued our 4 hour journey.

Terry called and he was upset about the whole situation at the Bungalow.

Terry: what’s up with your brother? Is he even your real brother?

Ssx: he was just being protective you know

Terry: yea, but he didn’t have to just pull you away like that.

Ssx: I know. But they’ve known me for so long and they saw what happened to me over and over again when I met a new guy and they didn’t want me to go through the same shit.

Terry: so I’m the shit?

Ssx: no. of course not. I’m the one feeling all shitty now. Last night some guys actually worded ‘he’s not worth your time’ and ‘he’s no use in your life, go find other guys’

Terry: who said that?

Ssx: someone who knows you perhaps? But u know what, I don’t know you that well so it’s pretty soon to tell. Let’s just stay like this.

I was not scared of what I would say about him. I was more scared of what other people might think of him. Cruel and selfish, I know. That’s just how I am. It’s hard for me to be with someone who everybody hates. It’s hard to get around, it’s even harder to be with your friends.

I once dated a rockstar who was hated by everyone because of his arrogance, his rudeness to everyone and I couldn’t even admit to people I was dating him though the whole nation knew we were going out with each other. The rockstar got frustrated with me and slept with an underage girl and impregnated her. They’re now married and are the tackiest couples I’ve ever known (I’ll get to this).

We arrived back in the city and I was eager to ask the guys in my group of their opinions of my new guy. But at the same time, I didn’t want them to know. What if they hate him? I would be the girl who goes out with a guy they hate. What if they like him and suddenly I feel like breaking it up with him and I would be the girl who fucks up with their friend. Either way I’m fucked.

After Googling up his name and Youtubing him almost everynight I don’t see him, I got to know that he was just another American Idol – like pop singer who usually referred to as a whore by my close friends. Someone who only sings for the sake of fame. Someone who doesn’t know where they want to be. Someone who hasn’t discovered what his passions were and was still looking for it. Someone scattered and unfocused. Someone young.

Those things turn me off. I have dealt with a number of guys like that I really don’t mind. But at the end..i found myself being a career advisor to them. At the end, I was just a girl who they could learn from not to be in love with.

Some comments on this matter incude..

Manager: Ssx, guys like women who resembles their mothers. You are a real woman who knows what you want, maybe not in relationships, but life. Career. You’re born passionate and with a vision so they look at you like a goddess. All these while, they’ve been seen out with actresses from some B-grade movie who had the same passion as they had, fame. But when they met you, they found something real.

Eric (my PA): he’s a little bit arrogant and nothing to back it up except for his looks and moves. He’s really doing some PR with everybody. Guess he’s still looking for his ways here. He’s a bit lost I guess.

Fary: just go with the flow. If he doesn’t perform well, dump him. Just have fun. But you know people from that country. They want to be heard as the best but they’re really not.

Sweater: ssx, I know you’re really excited now, but don’t rush into anything you don’t want to deal with later. Have fun, but not too much..if you know what I mean. You said he’s perfect…don’t you think it’s a little bit boring?

Curly: hahahahahahah. What were we talking about again?

Don (the guy from my group who’s staying with me): HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND!

Tell me, if you were in my position, what would you do and what would you think I would do? The reason I asked around was because I’m tired of all the shit. i just wanna know the real deal and if it’s not up to my likings, I’d move on.

While I was dealing with a younger guy who wants to see me everyday, Aiden was having an event. Celebrating the launch of his night at a club across Sub. I was responsible of making the night a success aka the PR. I did the guestlist, the flyer design, the promotions..the works.

That’s just the kind of friend I am. As hard it was to deal with him as his girlfriend, he was just as hard to deal with as a client. I was having headaches until the day of the event.

Earlier that day, I was having a show at the Art Market. It was for some government stuff. As I was waiting for my turn to go up the stage, Isaac texted me saying he was going to a building right at the back of Art Market, where people go for gigs, art exhibition and stuff.

He arrived after my show. He used to date Producer’s sister. So he knew producer and they were talking. After that, Isaac, Curly and I walked over to the back of the building to check out some stuff.

We then head back to Isaac’s place for dinner. His place was even closer to mine. As we were supposed to be the doorbitches for Aiden’s launch night, we had to be at the club early. As we excused ourselves from Isaac, curly blurted..

Curly: Do you guys realize that in a few days, you guys have known each other for almost, what? 5 years? All flirts and nothing happened?

Isaac and I just looked at each other. So much has been said, so little things have been done.

He then texted me on our way to the club.

“your new hair make you more irresistible. Hello Curly”

I smiled when he did that. As if he knew Curly was capable of reading my text msgs for me. I replied..

“so what are we going to do now?”

“come over to my place after your event”

I have to say, after 5 years of foreplay, I don’t think I could stand being near him without trying to rip of his pants and start blowing him. I was still contemplating.

At the event, I wasn’t feeling so good. With 6 text msgs from Terry asking how I was feeling, who was I with, where will I be going…I was starting to feel suffocated. I like feeling special to someone, but in just one week, Terry had become from the guy I thought was cute to resembling a possessive ex-boyfriend.

Terry who was partying at Sub came to see me for a while in front of the club.

Terry: what was it that you wanted to say?

Ssx: Terry, I like you. But you know…there are 2 types of people in the city. Plastic and real people. I don’t know..how you made me feel, I uhmmm…got a little scared

While trying to find the most unprovocative words to a young man who thought he was ‘it’ and trying so hard not to offend him in any ways…

Terry: I didn’t come out of the club at 2.30 am to hear you waste your energy on saying stuff like this you know..i think you should..

Ssx: yea. Chiow (fuck off)

That very moment, I knew I should see Isaac. A man who’s matured enough to have a decent discussion with.

Back at home, while freshening up myself for the big night with Isaac, Terry called…

“I thought about what you said briefly just now. I know you thought I was plastic. Someone who’s clueless. But let me say this. In my country, no one is rich. We didn’t have the luxury of partying. Here, I thought I could have a little bit more fun you know. If I was that person you thought I was, why do you think I moved here? Sleeping in the same bed as my PA? why do you think I was doing PR here and there? To get shows to survive here. I know you’ve been singing and writing since you were young. But I just started and I know that this is what I want to do. You write about people and say things as if you knew what was going on about everybody in this world. But you don’t. yes, you don’t know me and I don’t know you. But please know that until now, I like you. And if this plastic person is bothering you, then ima leave you”

There it was, the matured side of Terry I thought never exists. I couldn’t say much. Maybe I was the phony one. Maybe the plastic one was me. Ever since I joined this hip hop group, I barely know myself anymore.

When a younger man could surprise me with their maturity, could older men surprise me with their childishness?

And after all these while of thinking older men are better, and no chance given to younger men, and somehow got close to a younger man and totally forgot about what i preached, should I go see Isaac?

ssx

A little girl in the city

2007-12-22T03:03:00.000-08:00

A little girl lost isn’t lost after all when she found herself in the love and care of a member of The Strokes. I once was thrilled to know that the girl who was lost was actually a real girl from the movie E.T. she found her way through the blinding lights of Hollywood.

Another lost little girl is yet to know her way in life.

Last last week, a relative who was a little girl came to visit my mother in the city. She was an adopted child of a broken home who was brought by my mother’s brother into our family who got lost when her foster mother (my aunt) passed away when she was young and now had to live with a step-foster-mother.

Her eldest foster brother, who was a year younger than me went to jail twice for marijuana possession and rape respectively. While her second foster brother, Jerod became my adopted brother since few years ago.

Jerod was the only reliable and responsible one in the family. That’s why my mother decided to take care of him before he became like his first brother Jeremy. Jerod had been my mother’s favorite and since few years ago, we were as tight as any real family would be.

I was busy hanging my blinds and trying to keep my new place as beautiful as possible when my mother insisted on me being back home to see Jessica, the little girl.

We once took her to the city when she was 4 and it was odd enough. But now that she’s 12 and know more than 3 words she used to know..I was beginning to dread the ‘let’s meet up with the long lost relative’ thing.

When I got back, I went straight into my room and somehow in the midst of sniffing the aromatic smell of my mother’s pot purée, I smell something weird. As weird as having a smelly sock in your room when you’re no longer wearing socks since years ago because sneakers are weird and the only way you’d wear socks are when you wear sneakers.

Mother: Jessica! Donna’s here. Come!

Out came a very chubby girl from my mother’s studio.

Jessica: sorry, my bag was in your room before I could make some space in the studio.

Ssx: owh. Yeah. Uhuh. No problem. I mean. Yeah.

I was shocked. I know the ultimate ambition for those in the village are not to be size zero, but this girl is more than size 14 at the age of 12!

I looked at my mother and she was nodding.

She pulled me into one room and buzzed as though Jessica wasn’t aware that we were talking about her.

Mother: I think the first thing we should do is cut down on her meal. And then we start on the exercise program. And the clothes! Uuurgghhh! Its like a blind playing dress up in the 80’s departmental store.

Ssx: mom, the 80’s fashion is coming back.

Mother: yea, but not madonna’s

My mother was a true believer that when it doesn’t show your ass, you’re a classy woman. Though she wasn’t as educated as most mothers, she taught me well on how to look good, talk and walk good and for that I’m a better person.

Most people would send their children to camps on school holidays. Science camps, cooking camps.

Many parents send their children to my mother hoping to get their children back poised and cultured in all aspects. I was once mistaken by a royalty for a princess once for my very classy behaviour. Maybe the guy was just stupid.

I bet Jessica’s parents were hoping she’d be like me some day. All trashed up in mesh tops with colourful leggings and my favourite burgundy thick heeled peep-toed nine westers. And while listening to whistling sounds of the unknown tapping my feet away while reading the unphilosophical words of no ones. Walking around naked eating hot fudge and looking out the window of my apartment teasing the guards down at the parking space while pressing my breasts against the window. Ahhhh….the classy girl you see out in the city.

I could see my mother being so determined to change this girl’s life. I could be so much like my mother. I sometimes have the energy of making a diet plan for Sweater and sometimes even make dates on when we were all supposed to start jogging in the morning though none of the listed above were ever been done not for once.

Since Jessica has lived in the village all of her life, I wanted her to see what out lives were all about in the city. First, the group.

The group was having a dinner by the beach show and I was excited to show Jessica. For a girl who overeats, she looked as gloomy as an anorexic model. Nothing seemed to make he happy.

But when we reached the beach and the group started to talk to her, I saw another side of Jessica I thought I’d never see. She looked all smiley and happy through her time being there.

The group took pictures with her and she said her friends would never believe that she was actually having dinner by the beach with us. I was glad that I could make a little girl smile and that’s what matters to us in the group. While being able to be famous and all, we’d want to make some changes. Not much…maybe just a lil.

Jessica knew how to make me angry most of the time. She’d rather rude, she talks like an old nanny, she eats all of the food left for me, she says the wrong things.

I love children, but when I’m not working and I wake up all cranky at 2pm everyday to see such rude girl sitting with her legs far apart from each other wearing big t-shirts and baggy jeans, you’d be a child hater.

Maybe it’s just me now. I have nothing much to do now that our shows are cancelled due to a missing member who went back to his country.

Next week, I feel like taking my mother, Jessica and Jerod to the beach. Jessica has been good lately and I should reward her. At least now she looks like a girl. It’d be nice I think.

ssx

It feels good to be back

2007-12-13T10:48:00.000-08:00

Most people moved to the city years ago when job opportunities were the excuse to come out of their boredom of living on trees. I have been raised in the city and have had many experience walking, running, crossing streets of the golden triangle since I was 6.

I always say that the city that never sleeps will be tired eventually. I thought the city was tired of me thus I found that nothing has changed. The laws were still the same. The people are still the same. The jams are still the same but only worse.

I wanted to know how it is like to come out of my normalcy and try on something new, in a new place.

When I was 13, I was begging my mother to send me to a boarding school. Where all the kids are not driven by the fact that they were rich but lived for knowledge and the future. I wasn’t a geek, nor a bad kid. I was fairly sneaky but was smart in some ways. I’m not too sure till now, but what I do know is that I was very lazy.

My mother who only had me didn’t approve me leaving for another school far away from her. I thought she hated me with all her yelling and screaming trying to wake me up in the morning. So why still keep me in this hectic city. At a very young age, I was already tired of the already old city.

At 15, when I scored all A’s and only 1 B in a major examination, I thought this was my chance to go out and go to a boarding school. I forced my mother to pull some strings and made it possible for an elite school student to attend another school which prioritize on the needy. I was already dreaming of going and was so sure that this time I was going out of this city.

When my mother’s efforts came to no success, I had no choice but to still stay in the same school. Most people would die getting into my school. My school was right smack in the middle of the golden triangle. Where the biggest malls were built, where the punks and the skinheads would fight, where vedder wannabe-bands were formed, where the traffic were massive, where it was okay for kids in school uniforms to run around in malls without parents supervision and walk out of 7-eleven with beers in their hands without paying.

The kids in my school were all filthy rich. With shaggy carpets in their limos and Versace shirts for sports day and have I mentioned that this thing has been happening since I was 7?

Everyone was already wearing foundations and light make up in school. me on the other hand was still peeing in my pants till the age of 11. I didn’t know how to control my bladder, sorry.

Everybody had their drivers wait for them in front of the school and from the class window, I could see my driver smoking, waiting for a little girl to come out of school. Some had the privilege of riding the public bus. I wasn’t one of them. From my class window, I could smell the Louis Vuitton leather from the LV Store across our school, that’s how absurdly fashionable our school was.

When my pursuit to leaving the intoxicating life in the city was a failure, I had to be in a class full of losers and geeks. I just took a seat at the back of the class and started writing my poems.

Bitch,

Your arms are torn,

You expect me to help you,

I looked okay outside..

But inside, I’m just dying like you

I’m just dying like you

You believe in angels and so do i

Can’t imagine how angels cry..

You want me to go with you to hell

But I will follow you tomorrow

While thinking that dying was the best way to get out of the city after my moving plan was cancelled, a voice came through my left ear.

Hey…

Shit. Now another geek is trying to be my friend? Great.

What are you writing?

I looked up and a girl with curly hair was trying to look at my notebook. She was plum, with glasses and she pulled her curly hair so tight to the back forming into a bushy ponytail. I looked down to my messy handwriting and said..

Writing. Poems. I write.

She smiled and continued.

Hi, I’m curly. You know my name.

Yes, I knew her through some friends in school. She joined my school at 13 and she was one of the smartest girls in school. I used to think she was a weird child trying to copy my style. When I was madly in love with Damon Albarn, I heard she was too. I’ve always been a girl who wanted to be different and when somebody else liked what I liked, I got mad. When girls were crazy about Hansons and other boy bands, I was already dreaming of my wedding day with Liam Gallagher. People used to think I was a weirdo.

Damon Albarn? Was he a guy from a Thai group? – a girl once asked me when I was 12.

Curly didn’t stop there. She was still eager to know why all the poems?

Curly: why poems?

Ssx: cuz I’d like them to be apart of my lyrics one day.

Curly: You want to sing?

Ssx: Yeah. Been wanting to form a band. But I don’t play any instruments and all I could do is sing.

Curly: This might sound crazy. But a guy named Guitarist was looking for a vocalist for his band. And he invited me. But the thing is, I think it’d be great if you meet him and join us too

Maybe I was taken as a weirdo in school. But I don’t think my presence in the rock scene would make me one. I would become a yuppie. The girl who would go to gigs with her driver waiting at the corner of dodgy and dodgy.

Since that moment, I got involved with music and totally forgot about my moving away plan.

After college, I was enjoying my city life. Everybody knew me as a singer, a model and someone who knows how to party hard.

After awhile, I became sick and tired of the people. The city was angry at me for not doing anything to its good.

When my first moving out of the city a year ago made me think I was on top of the world, I figured everything will be okay. I could go out to the city whenever I liked and had all the silence in my new room to make me feel more than peaceful.

But as time goes by, and only a year and 6 months of the silence, I became depressed. Is there anything that could make me happy?

A year and a half was my duration to happiness and patience. My relationship with Phil ended after a year and a half. So do my first job as a fashion designer. I started become unfaithful to aiden in a year and a half. And now, my most paying job last that long.

Is it going to be like that?

It’s my second week staying in the new house. I loved it. I spent more than 10 years figuring out how to get out of here, but now I’m back here and it felt like home. Midnight snacks are within reach, gigs and fashion shows are just a short cab ride away. Bars and clubs are 5 minutes to home.

And most importantly, my mother is just about 15 minutes away from my place. I got my internet connected today and it’s even easier to get in touch with people.

Then just as I was about to get my fingers to click “Minimalist”…I had a thought.

Why do people want to leave the city? It’s fabulous here. Things are getting serious and I never thought I could ever be in love…but

I think I’m falling in love with my old tired city.

This is dedicated to the noise, the polluted air and the smelly city I call home

ssx

something old, something new, something borrowed and something of Johnny Depp's i wish i blew

2007-12-06T02:51:00.000-08:00

In the city, everyone looked like they were too busy to think about the past. As if the only thing they lived for, was the present or the future. As we look around the crowded streets, the subways, the malls we thought we could delete the bitter side of life. Like when we have a bad draft of written thoughts, and somehow it didn't quite turn out the way we wanted it to, we drag the icon into the recycle bin. Poof. It's gone.

But what about our daily lives? Could the past be deleted? Or will it stare in our faces so all we have to do is deal with it day by day? Pretend we learnt something from it so it wouldnt be too hard to swallow? Or do we keep ourselves busy till we forget about it. But what if they come back fresh in our thoughts when we were about to go to sleep at night?

The day after the night at the Gallery, i had a concert show and a club show only an hour away from each other. I was already on my way home in my car and was dreaming of washing the thick make up off my face when Brooke called asking me to join her, Pam and another friend of ours Jamie for Jamie's very belated birthday celebration. I would've passed on to this one if i didn't miss her cake cutting ceremony at Brooke's place.

As usual, whenever things like this happen, i managed to pull off the most fashionable lateness. I didnt do it on purpose of course. A certain group of people suddenly felt it was cool of them to gather around and plan for a riot the next day. Riot's fine. Another way of forming an opinion. But the queen won't be up by then, and even so..the queen was more than a gazillion miles away from hearing your thoughts, so why waste it? Use it wisely or you will look stupid. And no one wants to look stupid, rite?

I could say all these now. But in the massive traffic at 1 o'clock in the morning, i was swearing my fabulous ass off.

Ssx: move, you fuckin idiots! It's fockin saturday for goodness sake! You bloody stupid dumb...arseholes! What you lookin at? Never seen a woman swearin? Keep your eyes on the road, muthafocks!

As i reached home, i could see Brooke's car parked in front of mine. With a hand on the wheels and another one holding a cigarette, she yelled..

Brooke: Move that ass, biatch! We're late! (chuckles)

From the look on her face i could see she was ready to move that fabulous ass and she was looking fiiiiiiine.

We arrived at Sub. Yes, Sub. We were there on the request of the royal highness, Jamie. Jamie picked out the club and she picked up three hot men as well. Jamie was a doctor for the armed force of the country. She brought with her 3 hot officers who looked like they were ready to give us orders and we had to oblige to it.

Sub, known for it's capacity. Known for it's RnB. I knew it wasnt my thing. But it was for Brooke and Jamie. So whats music compared to eternal friendship? The men ordered their bottles and i was still waiting for an order from them asking me to take off my dress.

As Brooke and Jamie went to the dancefloor, i was standing at the terrace looking around. With whiskey coke in my hand, i realized that i spoke of Sub too soon. Maybe i was too quick to judge. At least it wasn't as pretencious and dodgy as Gallery. Suddenly, a friend of mine caught my attention..

Old friend: Ssx! Hey... (waved and was inviting me over to the bar)

I was surprised to see such an old face in quite a new club. I went over and as i was looking up to kiss the old friend, i saw a face i wish i never knew. There he was, all bald of him.

Rossa.

My past which i wish wouldn't be staring at me in the face and sadly when i had no where to run to. I just walked off leaving my old friend wondering. I went to my table and as how much i was trying to look away, he was there in the corner of my eyes. Thats how it is in life. No matter how far back you hide the memories in your brains, it will still be there.

I told Brooke i couldnt bare the whole situation and went downstairs and waited for the girls to be done. All of us including the cute officers. We headed downtown for a drink and a late night supper. While looking for a parking spot, Jamie who passed out at the back of the car woke up and insisted we pull over. She was the only one who didnt drink and only drank soda the whole night. She's a doctor, we couldnt blame her. But just as we pulled over, she opened the door and spit out some saliva and was burping. We thought she was going to puke but she didnt. So we continued talking in the car.

Suddenly, we heard a full force of water-vomit draining by the side of the car. There she was, the doctor who puked out a lot of water. We burst out laughing. How the hell did she do it? With very little soda consumption, she went from beyoncé like sexy doctor – to a chic who couldnt handle her alcohol.

While Jamie was trying so hard to cover the shame at the restaurant later, we were reminiscing the times when we were hardcore partying and was hardcore puking by the side of the streets in the city – long ago. Though it was funny, we still had a wish that we could erase all of that memory.

Then the guy whom i thought was only missing me at his unsober state of mind sent me a text msg..

Lil: How was Sub?

I replied and wasn't too sure of how to react..

Ssx: it was okay. Whats up, homie?

Lil: i was thinking if you were free later, maybe you could drop by at the studio for awhile. We could chill. What say you?

Ssx: i got my girls driving me. So its gonna take me some time to take my car and all.

Lil: bring the girls along. It's only me and Harry.

Suddenly, we saw few vans parked by the side of the restaurant and out came all the riot-planning crew walking straight towards the main road to the city.

Brooke got a call from her father asking us to come back home. Everyone was worried that the riot was going to start that morning, at 5 am. We went back to Brooke's. My mother was not at home and i was worried to stay alone. So i crashed.

Before i went to sleep..

Ssx: i gotta stay home tonight. Those people are starting to gather up all around the city. And i'm scared

Lil: there's nothing to be scared. I fell asleep waiting for you at the studio. Oh well..

Ssx: really sorry. Maybe some other time?

Lil: i hope there wont be another riot or any other excuses for you not to chill with me..

Ssx: dont say that. It's just the time. Just not right. We make it work..i promise

I promised. But will i be able to keep it? Looking back when we were just friends, were the times i wish i could delete from his memory. I was uggg-leh and he was fat. And the times when i was obsessed with him and he was playing hard to get, was the part i wanted to delete from mine.

But at this point, i just wanted to delete my arrogance because just as someone opens up to me, i get scared. Maybe it wasn't the riot. Maybe it was me. Plain chicken shitted me.

The next day, trying not to be a fussy guest, i slept through the day thinking i could avoid having to trouble the host. When i woke up, it was already dark outside.

I had a thought, maybe i enjoy being left in the dark. Like how i refuse to wake up in the morning and face everything in the sunlight. Bright and clear.

Days went by and Curly was already packing to go to India. Somewhere i longed to visit. When a certain people in our lives are leaving us for quite long and by long i mean a week, there wont be anything interesting enough for us to look forward to the next day – especially when you dont have someone special in your life.

I couldn't wake up the morning after i moved manually to my new place. When i finally had the courage to move my ass off the mattress still on the floor, it was 5 pm. And as i looked out my window, i saw the mountains, the village people. And it was lovely. How could that place look so safe and peaceful when its 5 minutes away from the deafening city? I couldn't believe how lucky i was to have that place finally. And never have i experienced smiling 2 minutes after i woke up from sleep.

I went straight to Producer's house to park my car there because we were having a show on an island up north and i thought it would be fabulous. I heard there would be thousands await for our arrival. Fighter, the Dj was there getting ready to drive us up there. Picked up Eric, our PA and off we went.

As we arrived there, as usual, i was told that i will be sharing a room with a famous' band's PR named Kimmy. Huh...kimmy...where have i heard that name? Oh well. Fuck it. I left kimmy hanging and joined the boys in their room.

At around 4am, we were still watching movies and wide awake. At about 5 i realized one by one went down. And at last, me. I was tossing and turning trying to delete the snores harmonizing in that room. It was crazy. Just as i was falling asleep, finally...

She left on a monday ♫♪ she's a siren down the road ♫♪ - my phone was ringing. And as i wanted to pick up the annoying call. The person hung up.

As i looked at the phone, i saw a name i knew who be the only one who could do such annoying thing...Amy.

Amy was a guy i knew a long time ago, while searching for my identity. He was okay. We were quite close as friends till he went to Middlesex to continue his studies. After years of making dates but failing to turn up to every one of them, he started to give me missed calls at 4, 5, 6 o'clock in the morning. And the weird thing was, when i called he didnt pick. So what was it that he wanted?

I text-ed him..

Ssx: what the fuck?

Amy: woah woah...you seem upset. Chill

Ssx: chill? It's fockin 6 in the morning!

Amy: its been so long and i didnt know you turned out to be an asshole over these years

Ssx: I'm not her. Ssx changed her number

Amy: what's her number then?

He had the guts to ask for my number from whoever he didnt know was using my number now.

Ssx: so you could bother her late at night?

Amy: okay dude, i'm sorry youre using her number now. But you gotta chill for a second. I knew ssx since way before you i think. I'm her bestfriend. I didnt know she had an operator aswering to her calls now. Sorry dude

I got so mad and didnt want it to end there..

Ssx: if you were her bestfriend, when you dial her number, you talk. Not hang up after few dial tones. Fuck off. By the way, this is her father

I thought he would run into a toilet bowl and flush his head for such an embarassment. But nope. The guy had more than guts and a thick skin to still send another msg...

Amy: Sorry sir. Tell her i called. How is she doing by the way? And is she working now? Tell her to call me. You have a good day ahead of you sir. Thank you and ...bla bla bla bla.

I looked at my cell thinking what the hell was that guy on that he could be so annoying. Now that was definitely a past i wish i could delete off my memory.

The next day, after the signing session, the radio interview, and all the whatevers we got ready for the real show. I wasn't a big fan of the local pop scene, thus i not know of any pop singers or groups. So as Producer started shaking hands with some of them and started chatting them up, i followed his steps and suddenly, i was shaking hands with a fairly attractive girl.. she said..

Girl: Ssx? Are you ssx?

Wow. Am i that famous now? That people i've never met before could recognize me from tv or magazines?

Ssx: yea.. and you are?

Girl: hi i'm kimmy. You were supposed to be my roommate last night?

Ssx: ouh...erkk (fuck) yea. We went out last night so i went back to the boys'.

Kimmy: ahahaha. Okay

I went straight to the buffet hoping to avoid her in that confined VIP area. While waiting for our turn to hype up the concert, kimmy came by with some of the band members and came to sit with us.

She sat across from me and was approximately 2 meters away from me when she blurted..

Kimmy: youre not ssx, rite? People used to call you donna, rite?

A name i havent heard people calling me since years ago. But yet still stuck to lil's tongue.

Ssx: yea..why?

Kimmy: you used to go out with Phil.

Ssx: sorry. No

......

Actually yes, i have had a relationship with a guy named Phil. A metal drummer of a used-to-be-famous band in the country. Though he was the first, i have deleted him from my memory years ago. Most girls would treasure everything they had with their first real boyfriend. I didnt. Phil was an ugly guy who was a cheating bastard and i went down to his level to be with him. He was 8 years older than me when we met. I was 18 at that time and was in college. Though he was a much older guy, he didnt have not even a bank account, a job, a real toothbrush and worst of all ...underwear. He shared everything with his siblings and yes, he was still staying with his parents. I think till now.

The only thing he was good at in his life was his drumming skills. We started going out because i refuse to judge a book by its cover so i tried. I helped him build his life. From having no money, no car, he had some and was driving my car nearly everyday. I thought why have so much and not share while some people had none.

My mother started sending him alowance money since i told my mom i had to use some of my money to go out with Phil. We bought him some leather goods when we were in china for him to start his new job. We did everything we could.

He had no cell phone, no landline so when he didnt call me for 6 days, i figured he was out of money. I didnt care. But when he drove my car and not for once pump any fuel into it and started putting off his cigarette on the body of my car, i thought there should be a stop to this.

I was driving an o'skoo white charade after nearly a year of riding on his old bike to the city every so often. My friends were surprised of how i could go that low to be with a man who was treating me so badly.

Things got worst when i joined a big band and it was my first big break. I got to sing alongside some big names on some big stages around the city. He, who was the famous one back then couldnt take the challenge. While i was there through thick and thin with him going to gigs with only 2 bucks (and all for the fuel) and painting his face for shows, he didnt even care about my singing.

One day, after my gig, he started throwing tantrums at me in public. He threw my meal at a restaurant in front of everyone. I left crying and called my ex, Boy who was on the island. He played Portishead's Only You on the phone and said everything was going to be okay.

Few months after that, i heard some shocking news from a certain guy saying Phil had been cheating behind my back. Taking out girls with my car. So i put a stop to it. I left him.

Years after that, when he saw and me he actually wanted to get back.

A girl, who was a roommate of my officemate got to know i was having dinner with her roommie and decided to join. She confessed..

“U dated Phil rite?...you found out about him going out with others girls. One of them was me. I'm here because i want you to know how sorry i am. I didnt know he had a girlfriend. But for the record, we didnt do anything. He did wanna do stuff but i didnt like him. He actually stayed over a studio i was chilling at just to wait until i gave in. i thought he was cool and all until he picked me up in this really old car..it was a white charade and it was ugly!!”

I smiled and said, “the calls he made to you, was my money. The phone he called you with, was my phone. The money he took you to dinner, was my money. The ugly car he picked you up with...was my charade.”

Yes, i was that stupid. But he was ugly so i won.

....

Kimmy didnt stop there. She knew it was me but still wanted to hear it from my mouth.

Kimmy: yes! You were donna. I knew you. I had a picture of you with the band back then. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. I can show you, producer!

Ssx: i didnt go out with Phil. I know him. But he wasn't my boyfriend

Kimmy: C'mon, you were wearing knee high socks, with spikey hair and lots of earrings. Thats you.

Ssx: and who are you?

Kimmy: i was Tony (the band's manager)'s girlfriend that time...kimmy, remember?

Ssx: Sorry, maybe you got fat and now i dont realize your face

Kimmy: well at least, i wasnt the one wearing knee high socks! Hahahahahahahahahhaahahahah

Ssx: still rocking it, honeh! (showing my fishnets)

Everyone was listening. Yes, i was that girl before but if i was unfamous and still didnt realize who she was, then she must be really ugly that i didnt realize her. And plus, what was she trying to do saying those things in front of everyone? She couldve pulled me in one corner and say it to my face. As my expression was getting more fake than ever..

Ssx: this shouldnt be discussed here

Kimmy: i wouldnt have discussed this here if you came back to the room last night!

What the fuck! Who does she think she is? She's just a PR for a new band who wasnt even famous just yet. Losers like her should be shot at sight. Not even permitted in a VIP room. Have being an ultimate loser in the past suddenly give you the right to talk like that to some who achieved something now?

I wonder if all the people who have known of my past would see how i've grown or do they still say...”Ahhh..that girl. She used to be a ____” or something. I never regret anything that have happened in my life except for that era. The Phil-ho-fuckit era.

I wonder, how do we know when the past is present? Is there a way for them to stay in the past and not be present?

We reached the city that same night and i was still horrified by that bitch though it was already 2.30 am. I was beginning to forget about the past and moved to my present. I have to let go of what was bitter and be brave to move on to my possible future, Lil. I felt like calling him but was too tired.

At about 3, i felt like looking at my cell when he called..

Lil: yo yo! Yo rapper! Hahaha. Where you at homie?

Ssx: hey baby, i just got here. In the city. Gonna take my car and going back to my mom's. What's up?

Lil: come and see me. I got a place somewhere. I wanna take you there. Call me once youre in this area.

Ssx: aiighhhhhtttttt

I drove into the city, stopped by a petrol station and i freshened up for the big night. When i got to the city, where lil had asked me to wait for him, which was in a dark area, i was impatiently waiting for the time to come so i could be all comfortable with him. Though i had been reserving myself, i've been missing him at the same time too.

15 minutes was the duration lil promised. 30 minutes went by and still he was no where to be seen. I was getting nervous. Looking at my cell, he didnt call. Then i had a thought, why do i keep doing this too myself? Let people push me around, like a puppet with no feelings. But if i had too much pride, how do i let people in?

Just as i was about to give up, lil's mpv stopped next to mine and he lead me to an indian restaurant nearby.

Ssx: hey! How are ya?

Lil: great! Come. I wanna show you something. Do you know that above this restaurant there's a nice hotel?

Ssx: a cheap hotel you mean? (gosh! Why is he bringing me here?)

Lil: it's kinda nice you know. We were out partying last night and was too fucked to go back. So we crashed here. After you (leading me to a staircase)

As we went up, i realized he was right. All that i imagined was wrong. The hotel was clean and not too shabby at all.

As we got into his room, i realized there were pills here and there. He was sweating...again. Saying the food he was eating was too spicy. I just lied next to his knees looking up at him. I thought, i looked fabulous and sexy and was surely feeling the hots for him. He turned on the tv and we were both lying on the bed. Suddenly, a song Curly introduced me to - saying it reminds her of me and lil whenever she hears that song – was playing in my head.

As we were watching tv, lil proposed to something i wasn't sure was too sexy.

Lil: you wanna pop half a pill? I could use a half right now.

I looked at him with an amazement.

Ssx: you sure? I dont think so. You go ahead

In my head, this whole scene feels so much of 5 years ago when you were too nervous being with someone you liked and you had to have something to chew on or be high on. This past is something i thought i would be able to grow out of now. But i guess lil couldnt.

He then lie next to me again and we were talking about one thing we had in common and that one thing was being displayed in front of our eyes, the ocean. We felt comfortable. And at times, we looked at each other.

And just smiled and somehow we knew we liked each other. Suddenly, as we were deep into each other, lil got a phonecall. It was his friend wanting to come over to hand over some stuff and i had a feeling the night was going to be over.

His friend came with a girl whom i presume was one of the girls they were partying with the night before. I fell asleep with my fabulous make up on, waiting for his friend to leave.

And as lil's feet kept rubbing to mine under my sheet, i woke up and to my surprise, the song which was so me and him – according to curly, was playing on tv. I looked at lil with a smile...but he was too high on his life.

I looked at my watch and it was already 7 am.

Ssx: hey, i think i gotta go

Lil: (looking frustrated) so soon?

Ssx: so soon? It's 7. and i think my mom's at home.

Lil walked me out and as i went into the elevator, he stood in front of the door and was hoping for a good-something kiss from me..

Lil: so...

I pressed the close button and the door closed.

Sure i didnt close the door to my heart – just yet. But the thought of him being too slow was something i couldnt handle. Not for now. I'm sure he wanted more than just to be friends in bed. But he had to put all his fears and what he went through in the past..in the past.

And of all the things i thought i learned from my past, i thought i could be more patient. Have we become so cynical that we couldnt sense romance at all?

Once we passed through this, will the romance still lingers? I wonder

ssx

Hand me over my heart

2007-12-03T02:57:00.001-08:00

When a gal misses the days when she was out partying hard and having booked all weekend for dates and other engagements, she tries hard to hide it. I was that gal. Remember when i told you i was ready to date new people? Just when i thought being ready could make everything work, all the single men decided to quit on me.

Last Friday, i was determined to take my fabulous ass out and have a little dance to sweat out all the access baggage i have hanging in my rear end (thanks minimalist!). I promised curly that i would pick her up at the upperside club and straight to sleeper's gig at another club further up town. But that night, i had a studio practice and had to stay till 11pm. So as i rushed home and got ready, Fary who was also waiting to see me had already called asking where the hell i was..

Fary: babe, where you at?

Ssx: I'm on my way, hunny

Fary:...u sure?

Ssx: okay okay..I'm about to get into the bathroom to take a quick shower, then find a suitable top to match my skinny jeans and put on some effortless make up and off i go.

Fary: *sighs....sounds like you're already on your way...

Oops! Damn..i always end up being late on nights where i actually want to go out.

As i grabbed my car keys and head for the door i realized i forgot my cell. Went back in and took my cell on the dining table and then i realized i forgot my other set of keys. Shikes! Okay, there's no need to rush. After all, i was already late.

I got to the upperside club at 1.30 am. Curly who was looking fabulous than ever got into the car and told me Hammy, her ex whom she got back together with, was asking if he could get her by then. I said..

Ssx: curls! We just got out..

Curly: YOU just got out. I was here since before 12!

Point taken. But i was really excited to go out i could feel that that night was going to turn out good.

As we walked into the club wearing the finest of what we had left out of the laundry bag, i looked around and there were not many of those who i always see. And even so, the club was not as packed as expected.

We went upstairs and met some lovely people of sleeper's clan. Some updated me with some news and some just came by to say hi. Everything was fine until...

*msg tone

Lil: hey..whatchu up to?

Pandonne moi? Was that who i thought it was? Just as i thought i could get him out of my system. Not for long, but long enough to make get attracted to sleeper again. I lost it with sleeper. He now has an old haggard lady to take care of him and his morning biryanis. I thought i could develop that old feeling again. I've caught monogamous and i got it from curly. Since Lil, i couldn't think about anyone else sexually. Not even thinking of licking a bartender's ears.

I looked around for a reason not to answer to his msg. Then an Indian guy came and talked me up.

Indian guy: hey..why that angry face?

Ssx: I'm not angry

Indian guy: yea you are. You look like Bambi you know. And angry Bambi

That's it. There's nothing there that could top it. So i looked away and replied to Lil..

Ssx: at the village. For sleeper

Lil: how was it?

Ssx: cool. Just cool

Lil: I'm at a nearby club, Sub. For a friend's party. Where you headed later?

Ssx: send the girls and straight home

Lil: Home? Home's boring. Come out and party with us

Ssx: hmmmm

Lil: hmmm? Just call me once you're done

Secretly, i was excited to know he wanted me to be there partying with him. But he said he was at Sub. Only the most pretentious people would be caught dead at that club. Why was Lil there? Has he suddenly become one of those polo wearing-collar popping-rnb listening crowd. Euwwww.

Curly and i walked fary out of the club because her husband was supposed to pick her up in front of a nearby hotel. As we were walking by the side of the road full of the icks and the euws, someone called a name i refuse to answer to since prom...

I walked straight and didn't want to look back. But the voice kept going stronger and louder. I looked back and just as i was about to swear at the man, it was Lil.

Lil: Gallery! Call me.

Gallery. A new place built on my school land. They tore down a historic building for a building which was predictably filled with the pretentious crowd Lil was hanging with – i presume.

As i got there, i was amazed by how a 7 starred building could be invaded by the utmost dodgiest of people anyone could have ever seen. Lil was standing in front of the bar he was planning on having a quick bite and some whiskey.

I was surprised he was actually with the royal arseness' nephew. Lil cant be one of them. He's a down to earth lad who used to hate all these people. He dared not introduced me to any of them and as i know i hold a higher standard than those assholes, i still refuse to be thought of as a leper, whore who would do anything to be seen with that group.

I ordered my glass of wine and insisted to pay for it myself, even though i was only left with 50bucks.

Lil was looking nervous. He looked cute. He didn't know what to say and he was sweating profusely. I was looking at him making him more uncomfortable.

Lil: it's pretty hot here aye

Ssx: nope. It feels fine.

Lil: it's hot...erm...excuse me! Could i get my nachos now please!

Was it really the heat? Or was it me? Do i make him that nervous? If i do..it would be cute but why now? When i finally try to put him off my mind. Maybe it's too late? Or maybe i should take it slow on this one and be more patient.

He looked young, as young as the first time i saw him about 7 years ago. When he had his nipples pierced. Haha.

I looked around and was definitely sure the bar was totally not my scene so i told lil we had to leave. He walked me to my car and as i was just about to start my car lil said..

Lil: wanna go back to mine?

Ssx: what are we going to do there?

Lil: i don't know. Chill.

Ssx: neahhh...its okay. I'm gonna call it a night. You, have fun.

At home, while i was sorting out my wardrobe...i looked at my cell and there it was exchange sides of power and hope. Lil was sending msgs asking me to go over to his place. He called when i didn't reply

Lil: what are you doing?

Ssx: nothing. What are you doing?

Lil: rolling up. Heh...you could come here and chill you know. Your call

Ssx: i just took off my clothes and don't feel like putting them back on

Lil: oh! Ouh...well. I wouldn't wanna trouble you. Talk soon?

Ssx: of course

Before i went to sleep, i had a thought...if he was real, and i think what i felt was real. No cocktails, no club nights, no booty calls...will this work? Out in the broad daylight, will we make this work?

Ssx

A celebration and another goodbye

2007-11-29T01:47:00.000-08:00

20^th of November was Sweater's 24^th birthday. She had been telling us and reminding us to not to forget to buy her presents. I have been thinking of throwing a party at my place since i moved out here a year plus ago. But somehow, i just didnt have the time until now that i'm moving out of the place, i thought this is the best time to have a celebration for Sweater, myself, the apartment and the group of people i call family here.

I have been planning the whole thing alone, myself since it was supposed to be a surprise thingy. I figured if i had too many people involved at helping, one mouth might just leak the infos. Sweater who turned to an age i regret turning into, has never been the party type. Many times i've invited her to the home club or upperside for some chilling and she always managed to make an escape.

So a week prior to the party, i called up the chef, who was the DJ of my group. He agreed to cook some fried chicken and some singaporean noodles for the party. With the little budget i have, i managed to get most of the main stuff, like a present for sweater..the alcohol and some decorations.

The invitations were sent out on friday so the invitees could rsvp through the weekend. Since the plan was to surprise her, i had the whole thing happened on the day before her birthday which was on the 19^th.

After work, when everyone left and i was left alone with her..as usual, we started talking like nothing was supposed to happen. I had everything under my belt. I told her the day before that i needed her to help me pack my stuff at my place. And convinced her to actually sleep over my place that night too. We talked about how we were going to celebrate her birthday the next day..

Ssx: babe, as usual, we will buy a cake and pretend to be having a meeting in the pantry and you act all surprised when we take out the cake. So to skip all the drama, i'll just ask you straight up...what cake do you want and when?

Sweater: haha. Nice one ssx. Such a nice friend you are....well, anything. And as for the present...i want a perfume. Christian DOOR

Ssx: Even doors have religions now? Where have i been?

Sweater: -___- i hate you

There it was, the most comfortable conversation at the scariest time of all. I was at the verge of asking her to grab her bag and head back to my place when...

Msg tone..

Curly: Fuck! The people arent here yet! Get her to walk around the block or something. Seriously.

Curly was already at my place giving some final touch on the party and the handling the people coming. But she doesnt do well while entering panic. At that point of time, i could imagine how she'd be running around with her big boobs sweating here and there.

At last, i brought back sweater. With the boxes i made her carry from the office, we rode the elevator and just as it it hit 7^th floor, i was nervous. I could barely breath. Before this, i was thinking even if the plan turned out bad, i would still be happy to have all of them together to party and chill at my place. There are those who have never seen my place at all. Those who stayed so near but never made an effort or time to chill with me.

As i opened the door,

Sweater: Damn! It's too dark in here

Ssx: turn on the lights, babe

At the corner, i could see a bunch of people sitting and waiting in the dark to scream “suprise”, sweater turned to me and shook her head. Her face turned blue.

Ssx: babe, turn on the lights...ourghhh let me..

Click!

SURRPPRIIISEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Sweater: (screams like a bitch)...my goodness guys!! i thought there was a ghost (pointing to our friend - a lady-boy with long black hair and pale face sitting at the corner). So i just turned around cuz i know ssx is more of a chicken than i am! Fuck! Fuck!

It was so funny. She nearly threw the box at the 'ghost'. Then she blew the candles on her cake and thanked everyone.

When the clock striked 8, the infamous DJ Aiden started spinning some tunes and people started drinking. Guitarist was there, Sean and a friend came by, Shopper brought her gang of stylish people with her, and i thought to myself..that was just what i needed. Some bluriness and all of my loved ones around me to celebrate the fact that i'm moving on with my life. At about 3, everyone left except for the birthday girl, curly and guitarist who was already too drunk to go back to the city.

The next morning i woke up with eyebags and a smile...

Though no one knows that i'm leaving this place, this job...and i left them in the dark, they celebrated the fact that life, with or without a job, loved or not loved..has to go on.

And that's all that matters.

This is dedicated to Sweater who was there in my ugly days, who supported all my stupid dreams. Who knew who i am and never ever for once judged me. You have a bright future ahead of you so go catch it, live it and one day...we might just meet in the middle..maybe for a soft launch party for some online brand ;) ♥

Look out! They're everywhere!

2007-11-27T03:29:00.000-08:00

Often said that one gal's freak is another gal's boyfriend. When living in a city full of weird people, you can never say you've never been with a freak before. It's not like we become a freak for being with freaks. For men, when they get close to someone and turns out, the girl's a freak (freaks – as in weird. Not freak – as in freaky in bed, cuz that's always good for men).. they won't say it. It's a known fact that they will secretly keep it to themselves or his friends will call him a freak for sleeping with a freak.

Yes, we've heard of those who fuck-and-tell. But they're just boasting. It's another form of telling their friends that they've been with that certain girl.

What he said:

Asshole who gets to fuck: “last night i went back with X and the sex was bad! Fuck man...at one point, i nearly fell asleep. Dont try her. It's a shame since she's so hot”

What he meant:

Man..i scored! You guys didn't get to fuck her, and i'm the first! Surely boosts my ego. So please dont try her, cuz i still wanna have secret sex with her. I'm insecure with my size so i don't want her to be sleeping with you guys and compare.

Men don't discuss weird things they experience in bed with someone. All they wanna talk about is how he great their sex lives are.

But women talk.

They would give in to the details on how a guy could be smelling bad, or if the spunk taste funky even if it curves to the side.

Usually they would would meet for coffees and cigarettes. They'd start the conversation with..

Gal 1: sooo....have you and X....you know? (though desperately wanting to know the freaky details, they tend to think saying the word 'fuck' is rude)

Gal 2: yerp yerp (with frustration in her face)

Other gals: owh hunny...what's wrong? TELL US ALLLLLL ABOUT IT.

Women don't want to hear the juicy details to keep them busy alone at night. They just want to know whether they have been with someone freakier. Whether their freaks are really freaks or are they actually normal to others?

How freaky is freaky?

Some say that freaks only roam around places we could never be seen at. Like the library, dark alleys or even at restaurants with their laptops pretending to be writing but was actually reading about serial killers in wikipedia.

I say that freaks are everywhere. I once dated a tall athletic guy who used to be so hot everyone at school drooled over his hot physic. He was the Drum Major in the marching band of an all boys school. Very good looking, such a gentleman. But after getting to know each other, he wanted to take things into the bedroom.

We started off with a kiss. Then he tried to swallow my whole head. Then i tried to push him away. Then he pulled down his pants. And then....there it was, the weirdest most freakiest thing I've ever seen. The shape was one thing. But the size? And it was limpy. Ekkhhh....he looked as though he was already hard so i pulled my head out of his mouth and screamed..

“I can't! I can't! I think you better go”

Though I'm not the type to lie, but in this case...i reached for a white one..

“...it's not you, I'm just not ready for sex”

A year later, i heard that he had a drinking problem and was seen puking here and there in the city.

There was another guy, he was so fucking hot. A DJ who had it all and reminds me so much of Thom Yorke. We had been seeing each other for a few weeks and wanted to see how it was like to sleep with each other. At first, everything was normal. But as things get faster, he bit me! Not the 90's love bite, it was a tee-nee pinch which hurt so bad, i had to the the scream again..

“Ouch! What are you doing?”

He stopped and looked at me as though it was so weird to not like what he was doing..

“you don't like it?!?”

It was so weird that i stopped taking his calls after that.

Next was a guy i met years before i dated him. The sex was great, he was hot but he was a psycho. We were living together and he wasn't working. I was a student and had to do 3 odd jobs to keep us both alive. When he landed on his first real job, i had to send him to work and pick him up later after school. The guy didn't have a car but he parties hard. So at night time, he would ask me to send him to the club and later pick him up around 4 ish in the morning. And between that, I'm not supposed to go anywhere so had to drive all the way out of town to where we were staying. He will ask me to call his cell from a specific pay phone below our condo to make sure i was really home.

After not more than a year of enduring the psychopath, i left the house and him. 7 months after the break up and i was already dating Businessman, the psychopath saw me at the opening of home club. I was standing by the bar when he came over and screamed...

“you fucking whore! No wonder you gave me STD. You're a dirty cow, you hear me?!?”

I was shocked and everyone else was too. As the whole upper level of the home club started to look at me, i walked behind psychopath who was already walking away from the bar. The actual plan was, i wanted to tap his shoulder and gave him a bitch-slap.

But because of the packed club and the fact that my favourite heels were pinching my toes, i accidentally knocked his head instead. He turned around and started punching me and kicking me. I feel onto the floor and the only thing i could see was his feet coming towards my stomach. I got my fabulous ass kicked by a psychopath!

And the freakiest thing was....nobody stopped him! The girls looked at me as though i was cockroach which had to be stepped ob. The guys were just looking with annoyance.

In my heart, i screamed..

“Hello?!?! are u guys blind. Fuck! I'm going to die”

at last, he kicked me down the stairs. I couldn't feel anything anymore. Just as i rolled down the concrete stairs of the home club...the resident Dj and a few bouncers came to get psychopath away from me.

After a few years of not seeing or hearing from psychopath, he found out where i was working and called the office. He asked for his money back. Yes, he actually asked for his money. I thought i was supposed to do so. He said accumulatively, i owe him $4000.

...

Just as we thought that the mental asylum could accommodate all the freaks, there are still millions more at large. This is not to scare everyone here. As i said before..

My freaks might be your prince...

ssx

Passion vs. Stability

2007-11-25T21:36:00.000-08:00

Life is about pairs. Everything comes in twos. The twin towers, men & women, coke & pepsi. When one is fine being by themselves, they are perfect if they have another person to grow old with them. It's all about choices and each has it's own pros and cons.

You either choose to stay home on a saturday nite or dress up and go on perfect dates. You either have the best jobs or you could settle for convenience and have a happy relationship. You could have the most perfect boyfriend or you could have the best girlfriends anyone could ever have.

Like Brooke, who chose to be trapped in a world she calls her love life. She met Kay, a bouncer 3 years ago in front of the home club while trying to get in and Kay joked of how fantastic it would be if she gave her number to him. Being so conscious about her looks and her weight, br0oke decided to take it as a mean joke from a hot guy who was just trying to make her feel fatter.

But as she went in and out of the club looking for her friends, the guy looked more keen and introduced himself.

Kay: hello..i'm kay. What's your name?

Brooke: Brooke (smiles foolishly)

Kay: you know, i feel like calling you sometimes, could i?

Brooke: ...my number? Ermmmm...well usually i dont give out my number...

Considering the fact that she had broken up with her ex-boyfriend who was a total jerk and she was secretly hoping to get laid that nite.

Brooke: ...but i'll make this an exception.

The next night, i was at Brooke's (used to be) apartment with Pam, Brooke's little sister. I was sleeping in brooke's room when brooke decided to go to the club and see Kay. I continued sleeping. The next thing i know, brooke woke me up and a tall, really dark man was standing in the dark with her.

Brooke: ssx...could you sleep outside? I have a ...ehmmm..you know

Yup, that was the infamous “sleep together on the first date” story we've heard over the years afetr being single and horny for quite sometime. In Brooke's case, it wasn't even the first date. It was the first time she ever drove an hour into the city at 4 am to get a hot guy.

She told me the next day of how it was all so perfect. The drive, the man...the works. She told me that Kay told her he was the son of a politician, damn rich parents and he wouldve driven his sports car if it didnt break down and he had to send it to the mechanics.

Rule no 1:

When a guy tells you so much on the first date, like where he lives, what car he's driving and who their parents are...

it could only mean two things. First, he could be a very boring guy who had nothing else about themselves to talk about so he started talking about the things around him..

Or, most probably he's just lying.

As Brooke went on and on about the night which made her smile foolishly for more than a week, i thought to myself...maybe this is just a phase.. she's going through her post Big BU. But it didnt end there. Her driving in and out to town at 4 o'clock in the morning everynight to pick Kay, send him to work at 7 pm every night and sometimes even drive up further to the otherside of town to send him to his real parents. Yes, the policitian parents he talked about was actually his ex's parents. Strike one. The car was not true either. Strike two.

After awhile of dating Kay, i realized that Brooke hasnt been picking up my calls, or replying to my msgs. I found out that Kay has been keeping her at home, she cant go out and she cant see anyone especially me because apparently i was a bad influence. That shook me to my core.

But now, Kay is a much reasonable man. Still not my favourite, and if i could i would tell her to go out and look for more experience. Live life to the fullest and one day she might find someone better than Kay.

That's her choice. To live in uncertainty and trapped in her own choices. While she chose passion over stability, she seemed happy and fine and i'm happy when she's happy.

While me, i was still on the fence. I didn't know what i want. I do know that i dont think i'm a working kinda gal. But everyone thinks that way so it's unfair.

Pam on the other hand, didnt choose between passion and stability. She chose convenience. Stay at home, not work and no intentions of learning. I was at their place the whole weekend, and she confessed about her, her boyfriend Kyle and her life being an unemployed woman.

Pam: ssx, since i quit my job as a flight attendant, i feel useless staying at home all the time. And dating Kyle isn't helping. He controls where i go, what i do, where i work and more. Honestly, i cant stand it. I feel like i'm going stupid.

I told her to take the first step, that is to work. Regardless of what and where but she needs to leave home and start being indipendent. Me myself, i hate those who stay at home and wait for their prince charming with ferraris to come by and propose and after being married for a couple of years and the prince became not so charming anymore cuz he has started to cheat with another unemployed woman, they start to bitch about men and start the rumours that men are all the same.

Men are not all the same. I believe my real father was a good man, he just didnt have balls. My other father was a real man with balls but not enough bullets to have more children. Aiden was also a good man but he's just scared of commitment. So are they all the same?

No.

Pam and Brooke have been raised to know that all men are the same. That is, they cheat and they will cheat again. So they set that in their minds so now that they're out in the dating world, they include the cheating, drinking excessively and gambling factors into men. In that way, they became women who could take all the bullshits in the world.

So it made me think...are they compromising or just plain ignorant?

So all men will cheat eventually..but it's either they're rich or poor. I guess that's why they wait for their prince charming at home.

I told Pam to be her own man. Make monies, get rich and have a fabulous life. So instead of having a man to support us, give us what we dont have...we just make men as accessories. Something to have fun with. So when they're not around, we still have ourselves.

There goes the choices in life again. I believe that if we choose to be standing still...those who wanna run fast will pass us by without even looking back and only those who don't want to succeed will realize you're alive.

Maybe i dont know the meaning of love thus i never knew what compromise is. But right now, i want my girls to be fabulous. Come out of the dark corner and say “i'm a woman and i can take over the world!” - until PMS hits of course.

...

My passion awaits my on the other side of the door. Am i willing to open it and greet it gracefully? Or do i wanna stay on this side so that i wont have to think too much about struggling? My Boss is begging me to stay another 6 months and have been offering some great deals. But i'm moving to the city and by moving, i meant..have a new life. Life without stress and stupid new junior staff to throw their fat ass at me.

But sometimes i wonder....

Can we live in stability by living our passions?

ssx

Blue Lagoon of Music

2007-11-14T03:04:00.000-08:00

Some say that life is like a box full of chocolate, some say life is like a piece of cake, well in my understanding, life right now is full of shit. While trying my best to look my most amazing self on the day i was going to the concert Lil was organizing, i couldn't take my mind off the fact that i get outed at about anything and everything.

I went there with Sean and Danny. Danny was Sean's roommie and though i only knew him by his infamous drug trafficking behaviour, we were already comfortable enough to have the lick-his-tattoos-intimate jokes. We picked up a workmate of mine, Sam who was really excited about checking out the home club, the only club big enough to accommodate the whole concert.

As we got there, there were so so many kids under the legal drinking age. Most were still rocking the classic black tee, sneakers with white socks, up to waistline stone washed jeans and even the 1999's sling bag which looked like the bags they brought to school.

As i was looking for my I'm-bored-Marlboros, i saw Boy...an ex boyfriend of mine who was responsible of my addiction to Lil and to the island. I dated him when i was 17 and he was one of those cool junkie band guys you'd want to have a taste of and just leave. He came over and said hi. Introduced me to his spiritual wife for the 100^th time, he asked me if i have seen Lil today. Of course i did. But he was too busy running around doing stuff.

The line of people queueing up to get the tickets got longer and thicker. We refused to be in the middle of those sweaty kids pushing each other as though the first hundred to go in would get to go upstairs to the VIP section. Wait a minute. I forgot that this whole scene has this equality stuff going on. So we waited by the side of the club as rain poured down on us. Sean asked...

Sean: sure we don't get to go in as one of the band guys, but we should get some acknowledgment for still being here to support the bands..since yearrrrsss ago

Sam: yea babe...i mean..you are kinda dating Lil

Ssx: guys, if i were Lil's girlfriend right now, you think we'd be standing here smoking our damped fags?

Sean: man..this sucks. I hope there's like a VIP area we could chill and have some drinks

Sam: Hun, it's open to all ages today. So i don't think the bar will be open

Ssx: what?!?! (lighting up another fag) huuuuuuu....what kinda concert is this? Now everyone's gonna be sober. Great! Just great!

As we walked in, i realized how Sam was being such a good friend. She doesn't drink and doesn't smoke but she was still trying her best to make us smile.

We reached the counter. I was looking into my purse for monies when suddenly..

Lorna: hey babe! How many tickets would you like to purchase?

Lorna? What is she doing in the ticket counter? In my heart i wanted to just leave the venue. But as i looked at Sam who didn't know what was happening and to see how excited her face was to go into the concert..

Ssx: 5 please. 3 going in now and 2 coming later.

Lorna: okay..enjoy the concert!

I had a thought, when did she become sooo important to Lil that she was invited to be one of the crew? And she was sitting in the glass window with Lil's mother and his elder brother. Have they suddenly become a family? I felt outed. But what am i expecting for? We haven't even had a proper dinner together and already I'm asking for a higher caste?

The concert was loud and really had the whole crowd going crazy. Since we were the last few who got in, we found ourselves standing near the bar. The bar which only served sodas. We couldn't see a thing from where we were standing so you could imagine how un-important we felt. From the backstage's gate i could see band guys, their girlfriends or just their good friends coming in and out of it.

I knew all of them but somehow very few said hi. Maybe because I'm not 'it' anymore or maybe because i got outed again. I've never felt more invisible in my life. Later, as we were bored sipping our sodas, Lil came over and kissed me and just started talking to Sean about how he was also frustrated that the bar was closed. He didn't even acknowledge my presence.

I took a deep breath and sent a msg to curly who was supposed to be at the concert hours ago. And then i thought...there are so many things playing in my mind. First, its the new job, second..moving to my new home....wait a minute! It's already the 11^th of November. How come Rossa hasn't called me? We were supposed to move into the new place on the 15^th.

Moving into a new home was the only thing that i could think about since few months ago. I was actually very excited and have sketched how my room was going to be like. Gathered some ideas and have been looking at Ikea for new furnitures.

So i wrote..“are we moving to the new place. Yes/no”

I waited for more than an hour for him to reply.

And he replied..”no”

What the fuck. I was so pissed its unbelievable. How could he do this to me? There had to be a reason why he did this to me. And i wanted to ask, but i guess it was so clear.

When he agreed that we were going to be living right next to each other, we were quite close. But as time goes by and he probably realized i wasn't into him as how he was into me...he scrapped it. It's amazing how a grown man could be so fucking childish. I warned him about how we might not going to end up with each other and how i might be seen with other men, and he sounded as if he was totally okay with it.

I thought of all the things we had with each other..as friends, there would be something i could cherish. I was wrong because now all the things he has ever done for me makes me feel like he was not really sincere and that he has always had some other intentions. I could smell it a mile away of sometimes, he was trying too hard. For me it's simple. It's either you're my kind, or you're not. There's no need to try.

For instance, a new guy at work said he was going to the concert. But when i told him i was interested in the organizer, he suddenly came down with a cold and couldn't make it.

It's getting scarier that now 70% of the male population has gone gay or bisexual, and the other 30 are just plain childish.

If Rossa was a good guy, he would've told me earlier. If Rossa really cared, he would've asked me if i was doing okay. If Rossa was a sincere guy, he wouldn't have waited till i ask - to tell me he wasn't moving. I was crushed. All these things need monies and planning. And now i have no where to go. I was thinking if i had to stay with my mom, then i had to sell off my furnitures and that takes time.

...

Suddenly i felt like going out of the club to get some fresh air. As we walked outside, i saw some t-shirts being sold. It says of Lil's company's name. I bought one.

Sean discovered that the terrace bar was open for dinner and alcohol was purchasable. All of us sat there and drank. While still pissed i decided to go in for the last time before i head back to my mom's. Lil's band was playing. It's so funny how he looked playing the percussions. Like a blind uncle with his black tinted sunglasses.

Then i walked out after less than 10 minutes of checking the band out. Why acknowledge him when he doesnt acknowledge me?

...

When i got home, i sent him a text msg..

“Great show. Great event. Proud of u :) ”

As usual, he didnt reply. Why would he? He has Lorna Es-strangle-u to talk to.

...

After two days of not being able to wake up for work, i went for an audition for a music tv host. I was supposed to go with Isaac but he had to cancel last minute due to some work stuff.

As i was getting ready, i cant help but to think about a dream i had the night before. It was so disturbing.

In the dream,

there was Dan, lil, Isaac, sweater, curly and i. We were all on the island and had just got out of the water. Dan looked so hot with no shirts on. I could see all 6 of his tattooes clearly. Then we got onto a van and Dan was sitting in front of me. He asked me to give him a massage. And so i did. Lil was so pissed.

When i woke up, i had a huge question mark on my head. What was that all about? I should say that i still believe in dreams and stuff like that.

...

It was confusing and it felt so wrong. Suddenly, i received a text message..

Dan: “Whatchu doing sexy?”

Ssx: “Nothing. Just thought about you. I dreamt that i was giving you a masage”

Dan: “Kinky. ”

Ssx: “it's disturbing me”

Dan: “We could talk about it if you want”

How many men have we ever come across, who really wanna talk? After that, i only could summarize something in mind. Lil has a thing for me, but was afraid i would break him. Dan is just an attraction and was distracting from my target. So now all i have to do is just go straight to Lil without any games or any beautiful men to distract me.

So i sent him my 100^th “what are you doing?”.

He replied...

Lil: “sending a friend back to the bus station. Whats up?”

Ssx: “havent heard from you since the concert”

While i was looking for a suitable bra to put on for the audition, he called..

Ssx: hey

Lil: hey whatchu doing?! (sounding excited)

Ssx: sorry i didnt have the courage to talk to you at the concert. You looked so stressed out and scary.

Lil: haha. Was i? Yea i was kinda busy. Sorry about that.

After a long conversation...he popped the question..

Lil: Why all of the sudden you text me?

Ssx: i wanted to ask you out. Its been so long. I kinda miss....

Lil: can i ask you something?

Ssx: yes.

Lil: If ever i'm free...ermm...could i...erm... call you?

There it was, the guy who's so damn shy, he had to take a minute to say one sentence.

Ssx: .....yea sure.

....

Yerp. For other guys, it wouldnt be so great. But for a guy like lil...its like he's proposing. I smiled and thought to myself, why have i felt so outed? The guy who i really like has had me in him for quite awhile. And thats all that matters.

I put on the t-shirt i bought at the concert. And the cheeky me texted him...

“by the way, i'm wearing your t-shirt”

He didnt reply of course, not because he was not interested. He doesnt like replying to msgs...that's just him.

I regret feeling low and having my emotions take over my sanity. About rossa, the concert, chinaman, the new job...

I'm moving to a new place next month. And i just proved to myself that i dont need any men to save me from sinking. I cant wait to move away and have a new life in the city.

And Rossa, dont worry. Hot girl's back.

Ssx

O-U-T

2007-11-12T02:53:00.001-08:00

This morning, i woke up restless. Last night i couldn't put my eyes to sleep. Have i suddenly caught it again? I used to have the worst sleep disorder and the doctors told me i had too much to think. What is it with the world that i had to think about? I wasnt so sure until last week, when i was hit with an emotional tsunami of my own.

Thursday,

was the day i didnt have to work. So like other girls, i went back to my mom's and was actively doing chores around the house. I only wake up in the morning and suddenly become so diligent when i knew later that day i will have something interesting to do. The night before, curly called up saying

curly: whatchu doin?

Ssx: nothing. Not planning on going anywhere. And i'm trying to save up for some stuff so i purposely left my make up bag at my place. Wussup?

Curly: Lorna's playing at the bar tonite. Bet lil's gonna be there. What say you?

We're going.

Lorna. Where shall i start with her. When i started seeing lil few months ago, i realized there was a girl renting one of his rooms in his studio home. And it was lorna. Lorna was a girl who didnt have anything until she had multiple scandals here and there. I should say that my instincts are usually right. And my instincts are saying...she's trying to use lil. I used to play in the same gig with her band, which only consists of her and her annoying basisst. She plays the guitar. She looked like a girl who you would be cursing for looking so dumb. Yes, she's sweet and dumb-looking. Curly and i used to adore her until my guitarist, who was unlucky enough to let her into his pants and led him on for a long period of time and at last dumped him cold, told us that she was a bitch wearing a pussy's mask. We didnt really quite believe him until we saw her moving from one influential name to the other.

For a girl her age and very few friends, she has been the 'it' girl this season. Shows here and there, and she has been seen chillin with lil's crew, of course, she was staying with lil. I somehow wonder, where does she want herself to be?

I was very emotional knowing lil must've been so close to her like how i could never be with him. Looking at her pictures being close to him made me wonder.. why cant i be like that to him? Why cant we be comfortable like that? I met my guitarist for a brief session of new track listening in the car and he confirmed what has been playing in my mind.

Guitarist: yerp. She's sleeping with him

Ssx: noooooo...i dont think so. I was at lil's place all the time. And we were canoodling, making out on the couch and she was there.

Guitarist: ssx, look...i've been with many girls. And when i say many... i meant many. But of all the girls i've been with, Lorna is the most manipulative and she still got me u know. I had to run away from her or i'll fall in love with her all over again.

Poor guitarist. From the look in his face, i could see he was devastated by the fact that he got played by someone who looked pink. But on my side, i was worried. What if she's that good and had lil sprung over her fucking sweetness to just use him for her convenience. C'mon, i gotta give it to her. In merely 2 years, she had gone from a fat girl at open mic nites to slim figured guitar playing – rockstar chillin – orchestra backed up - 'it' band. Who the hell could do that?

....

Back to thursday, i knew my project band was playing that nite too, so while i was getting ready for the bar, i texted them saying i'm back and i wanna sing with them that nite. Since i've been absent for 2 months, i was ready to rock the stage. All i got was..

band: sorry, ssx! We found a new vocalist. We'd invite you to sing, but we're scared the others would be pissed

What? Pissed? I should be pissed here. I went to the bar at 9 and already started to drink by then. I needed some blurriness in my head to get me off this.

While curly arrived and we both sat by the bar, Lorna's band began to play. And to my surprise, she had a 5 piece set backing her up. And thats not the best part! Lil was the drummer!! arrghhhhh. And the other band members were from some old bands and i was thinking...

How did she do it? Lorna landed herself in a great band and i got outed!

She came down from the stage looking all proud and started saying hi to everybody. I ran to a table outside. With my second glass finishing, i said hi to lil. He was looking skinnier and i was looking tiny and flushed. We chilled for awhile and i told her how the band that was playing on the stage got me outed and i was really frustrated. With a scotch in his hand he asked me to chill. Suddenly, an old friend of mine whome i havent seen in a very long time joined us and said..

old friend: oh my god, ssx! Its been so long

ssx: yerp.

Old friend: i could barely recognize you without that spikey hair and the fishnet stockings! Haha

ssx: you too! You used to be a skinhead remember? And look at lil! He's skinny, yes?

Old friend: yea...everyone's changing and so are you. (looking at lil and pointing at me) she's getting fatter, dont you think?

I looked at lil and was laughing so hard. I didnt know whether it was because of the wine or was it because of the fact that i was trying so hard to cover the ongoing humiliation. But lil looked like he was trying hard not to make it worst. He just smiled and looked down to his glass.

We then head our separate ways that night. I had to leave before its too late. I was already planning on hugging him so tight and not to let go. And as usual, before i sleep...i sent him some words. Words i knew i would flick my owned forehead the next morning for being so stupid for sending them to him.

Saturday.

On Saturday, i was invited by Isaac, another notorious musician to an event for a hip music magazine he's working with. Since i was desperately looking for a new job, and somehow asked him if there was an opening at his company, he wanted to show me what the magazine was all about.

The magazine which became so popular since a year ago got to many's attention, including mine. And Isaac was the one responsible for the whole hype.

Aside from being the Art Director of the magazine, Isaac was also a dj, producer, guitarist, artist who had dated and married one of the top supermodels in the country. For someone who sets the trends, determines what's hot and what's not...isaac was not to be corrected. Though dealing with his post-big-BU he started to wander around the city looking for underaged girls to please him at his lonesome studio apartment.

We met light years ago and have been thinking of getting together as a couple but we both know that our patterns were very similar and how we both have so much in common on dealing with relationships, we thought we should wait some more. While waiting for the time to come, we kept contacting each other though nothing happened in between.

While being at the fabulous event, Sean who came with me was clearly having fun. As i was feeling lost and not so hot, i looked around and realized that i could never be able to be who i was. I lost my touch with the society. I doubt i could do a good job for the magazine. I dont want to chicken out because the challenge was something i yearned for almost 2 years already. I thought to myself, if things happen for a reason, then this would be for my bestfriend to get drunk and not to make me feel better at all.

But i was being a good support and stayed till the end. And somehow, curly was still not there yet. She was officially fashionably late. When Dan texted me saying he was going to stay home with his boxer briefs – to watch Heroes, i told Sean this wasn't my night. When Curly finally arrived, we went to the upperside and attended the most disturbing event of all. It was dedicated to those who sacrificed their souls to skinny jeans. I wasn't rocking the norms, i had my twiggy inspired silk dress with black pantyhose. The dress Dan was hoping to see me in. Too bad.

A jug of long island tea later, Sean went missing and in the packed club we figured he mustve been in the toilet waiting in a long line. Suddenly, while i was dancing along the music, someone came up to my face and started putting his arms around me.

Who the...owh...it was chinaman, a face i was trying to erase from my mind.

Chinaman: Hey darling! Miss me?

Trying to avoid the eye contact, and still in his arms i answered...

Ssx: yeah..kinda?

Chinaman: wait right here, i'm buying you another jug.

Sean came back and he looked weird.

Sean: hey...let's go back.

Ssx: whhh?!? chinaman just went to the packed bar to buy us another jug. We cant leave him like that!

Sean: but ssx...we really have to go.

With his small face and his big ears sitting on the big couch looking guilty like he had stolen another child's candy in the park.

Ssx: seannnnn...what did you do? Seannnnn

Sean: okay okay. I punched someone in the toilet!

Ssx: Sean!!!!

Sean: i was aiming and he purposely just pushed me to the wall. I got piss all over my palm so i got pissed and punched him.

Shit. Apparently sean was a kid who had stolen someone's candy and now he feels bad or maybe he's just scared that the guy will come back and kick his ass. Either way, i felt like that was my validation that nite.

When chinaman came back, i told him about what happened and that we had to leave. Him, being emotional and wanting to show his strength in front of girls, offered to give the guy another piece. But we just stopped him and insisted we leave the club before anything happened. While i was leaving..chinaman pulled me again and asked for a kiss. As usual, i gave a face and was trying as hard as possible to avoid my lips touching his. He just doesnt get it!

And at last he pulled me closer till i cant move and with my lips sealed tightly, i saw curly's disgusted face at the corner of my eyes. There it was...

THE WORST FIRST KISS EVERRRRRRRR

i pulled myself away from him and ran downstairs. Yuck! Yuck! It's not him...but how he pulled me so hard, it's wrong! Wrong!

There i am, that night..not just that night, this season. Doesnt seem to be mine. I get outed at the most disgraceful situations. Even the club outed us.

As i lay on my bed that night...i thought to myself, it's a big day for me tomorrow. And for Lil as well. Will i get outed again? And if i do... when will it stop?

Ssx

Lost In Both Worlds

2007-11-09T03:31:00.000-08:00

They say that life in the city is way more fabulous than in other places. They were right. When i just got back from south partying my heart out last week, i came down with a major migraine. Very rare because of all the drugs i took, it should be more than cured by now. I was lying on my bed one night when i had the sudden urge to call someone. Anyone, no actually...Dan.

I totally forgot that i dont have his number. So i texted an aquaintance to ask for it. When a single gal wants to have fun, she doesnt care of what anyone would say.

The sms-es were cool and sexy. And we were really hitting it off.

Ssx: i forgot to tell you something the other day, you're so hot its making me uncomfortable thinking about you at night..

Dan: Can i make you more uncomfortable?

There it was, the most uncomfotably cute sms sent by someone i like. Dan always replies to my msgs, loves to know how i'm doing and definitely sweet. As usual, making him my latest object of obsession, i tend to send him text msgs everyday.

The next day, while getting ready for a halloween party i was obligated to attend and was a committee too, i told sweater who was in my room getting ready as well..

ssx: i'm going out with Dan tonite. I'm so excited!

Sweater: has he actually asked you out?

Ssx: no...but i'm sure he will soon.

Sweater: okay...whatever you say..

At the party, i was impressed with the turn out. Everybody was in their best costumes and they looked happy. I was supposed to be the photographer for the evening. I didnt know how to operate the camera so i end up being the model in everyone's photos and while some strangers took the pictures for us.

Rocking a blonde storm-like wig, i was get'n wiggy wid it and while my hair was fake, i wasnt faking my excitement to be there, even when i was there alone. After the party, i decided to join my married friend, Fary at a club in the city.

She invited me after we both realized that we haven't been out as often and the gossips were just about to explode if we waited another weekend to update each other. Fary was a girl who's just about another ordinary girl who found love at a very young age. I knew her through a bunch of friends Aiden made me chill with. At first, i thought she looked quite matured as the way she spoke to me. She has this one look that one day she just might be the wife of a rich lord o' something.

She looked as though she had it all. At that point of time, the city was suddenly flooded with wavy-haired-cock-sucking-freeloaders who were obviously not from the city. I thought she was one of them. I was wrong. Dead wrong.

She's not what i thought she was. She's just a gal who knew how to have fun and knew how to manage her bank account that she could kick in some nice coutures while doing it – despite being a student.

A friend of ours, a handsome 34 year old farmer was looking for a life partner and without any doubt, we introduced him to Fary. 3 months and a Bali trip later, they tied the knot. Fary, being the 22 year old girl still had the temptation of going out to clubs or just for gossip-coffees with her girls just like any other 20 somethings would do.

So i walked up the exclusive club with the dress i wore for the album cover, nice make up and i was ready to party. Fary, looking all gorgeous brought me straight to the bar as if we were running out of time. She then blurted,

Fary: okay...Aiden's spinning tonight

I looked around and there he was, in the console. He saw me and came by to say hi. It was all very clear at that very moment that we are really really single and meeting each other up accidentally was the best way to keep it that way.

Fary introduced me to the birthday boys who turned out to be one of my cousin's friends' ex-girlfriend. That's how it works nowadays – you can't swing a Fendi purse without hitting one of anyone's exes.

The birthday boys took the liberty of ordering few bottles of champagne. While trying to be friendly at a party i wasn't exactly been invited to, some really good looking men passed us by. Some sat with us, some were already too drunk to realize we were there. Looking at all the beautiful people around us, i thought - some might think this is the best crowd to party with. Everyone was either extremely successful at a very young age – their 30 somethings, or maybe inherited some very seemed to be unfair load of money or just plain gorgeous and somehow would make us predict that they will succeed one day. They were the perfect bachelors.

As the champagne bottles emptied one by one, i learnt that most would spark a conversation with..

“Fary! I cant believe you got married!”

“I just got divorced...”

“My wife is at home cuz we just had a baby”

“This is my wife..”

I was officially the only single gal there in a party full of marrieds. But then i had a thought..

What constitutes marriage these days? Isnt it supposed to be the end of your party life? If we get to go out as how we did when we were single, what's the difference?

Some say that when you're married, it's time you concentrate more on your marriage, means stay home, cook, do dishes, laundry and everything we thought we never had the time to do.

Some say that when you're married, and if your better half is cool enough, you get to party together and it'd be safer knowing both will go back with the same person.

Some, i can see...have their better halves at home watching tv or play the PS3. Very often these days that i always get to party with married couples and they seemed fine.

I stepped out of the club when i realized it was already 3 am. Aiden left with a dj friend. And i was looking for Fary. Somehow, a married gal is more to be taken care of rather than a single one. I had to, just in case some forgets their married status.

When i found her, she was asking if she could get a ride with me. I was going east and she was to go west. And as mush as i wanted to, it was already so late and i hate driving at night – alone.

We called aiden to know whether he was still in the area and luckily he was. He was having supper at a nearby restaurant. We stopped by to plan on how Fary was gonna go back. I'm never a fan of a late night supper after a club nite. It just feels so wrong. While your thick make up feels gorgeous in the darkness of the club, it wouldnt look so nice in the bright lights of a restaurant. And people will look at you - up and down with your breath smells strongly of alcohol. It's just ick.

Since i guess Dan was already drunk somewhere in someone elses car (with the way he didnt reply to my msg), I had to be there for Fary since i kinda know how it feels like to be alone and nowhere to go. She doesnt drive so its even worst.

After supper, she called a male friend to pick her up there. So it goes back to the question raised...what constitutes marriage?

...

On Saturday, i was all dressed up to attend to a dinner party a cousin invited me to. I wore a black poofy dress with stones and a rather huge diamond ring – fake one of course. I was planning to make a joke about how i dont have a date and just say that “i'm engaged! - to myself”. Before anyone could ever start asking “where's aiden?” or “why didnt you invite aiden?”

I left the dinner party feeling like i needed to party more. So on my way back, i was hoping to get to see Dan, so i texted him... he replied funny. Or so i thought.

I tried to call just about everyone, but everyone was not free. With my make up still fresh, i went home to my comfy bed, took off my clothes and just lie there. This is what happens when you put yourself out there.

...

The next day i went to a friend's place. Her name is Brooke. Brooke was my bestfriend since school. Like curly and i, we were inseparable. My relationship with Brooke was very different from my relationship with curly. Brooke is a not-so single girl who has not left her parents place since high school. I used to go to her place which was near to mine after school. She was absent at about 60% of the days throughout the whole year. Since i couldnt skip school or my dad's driver will tell on me, so i had no chance but to see her after school.

When the whole school decided to go to college except for Brooke, who wanted to extend another year in school, we didnt get to see each other as much. But when i was 19 and was desperately trying to look for help with my intoxications, i ran to her parents place – it's time for rehab!

Being young and was desperately trying to lose the bad habit, i got hooked on alcohol. I remember sneaking into her house at about 6 am and fell tumbling down her stairs and woke everyone up. Haha.

So now that we've grown but she's still there and still the same, i couldnt help but to still want to know how she's doing. We had a talk about the men in my life. In her life, there's only two..Kay and her father (i'll get to this, promise). Her loyalness to Kay is never to speak of.

After realizing brooke was not fond of the description i gave about Dan, she then asked me...

Brooke: do you wanna be with a guy like this, ssx?

Ssx: yea..he's really nice!

Brooke: He has tattoes all over his body, c'mon ssx...these kinda guys can never be the guy we could marry

On a second thought, it's not really about the tattoo. It's because of the pain he's bound to cause me which made it looked interesting and worth trying.

So i sent him a text msg..

Ssx: Excuse me dear sir, when are you bringing me out?

Dan: i gotta be honest to you kid, i dont feel comfortable bringing a friend's ex out. I'm that kinda guy.

WOW! Wouldnt it be easier if all the men in this world could just say it.

“I'M JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU”

6 words which could spare us all the thinking, the time and energy and the confusion. When i told Brooke of what he said, Brooke said ..

Brooke: see, he's an asshole, hunny. Forget about him..let's find you a nice conservative guy.

He's not asshole. He had just been the world's gutsiest man on earth. I smiled and thought to myself. Married, single, happy, lonely or whatever we are...we're just the same. We will resort to feeling like each of us once in awhile.

Just that at the end of the day...which title are you willing carry?

And when it comes to not being in a relationship, can we be single but still have sex actively like those in a relationship?

ssx

One life ends and another plans a suicide

2007-10-31T02:48:00.001-07:00

Few weeks and a lot has happened. I haven't been at my best state of mind so i refuse to think i would write nice things while being so depressed. Few drafts went missing in my pc and a few more couldnt find its way to the real posting window, i managed to pull myself together to write a sane one with no weird emotions to distract me.

I got back to the city after spending about 4 days down south with my extended family when i realized i havent been in touch with my so called enemy, 'The Tech'. Without it i could be happier but i could also be the only one on the planet who doesnt get in touch with anyone via it. It's hard when we know everyone and what theyre doing and it's just plain evil when you find yourself disliking somebody and started stalking them by googling up their surnames or telephone numbers. Urghh...i've been to the darker side of a supermodel and it aint pretty.

But one of the things i enjoyed being in the tangled world wide web is that somehow, the things you'd only know at the slightest hint of getting to know more about that person you adore at like what - 3^rd or even 4^th date? Nobody could wait that long to know somone's birthday or age or theyre too lazy to be going through the interviewing process of getting to know each other more, they registered everything, from A-Z in their own public diaries, Friendster. Sure there are a lot of other networking sites but friendster has been my favourite when it comes to giving updates.

Right before i said goodbye to the internet last few weeks, i received an update reminding me lil's birthday was just around the corner. I figured it could fall on one of those days while i was totally disconnected from the so called real world.

Yes it was. On the 18^th, when i finally got my hands on my pc i checked for the final update and his birthday falls on the 15^th of october. I missed it. Ahhh...so what. He didnt know when mine was and i have friendster too! Hence the updates and vise versa.

I was on my way home when i decided to give him a call. He had his cell turned off and so i thought maybe i could call him back later when i finish my studio time that nite. I went back to my old apartment feeling excited to see my giant catfish, Bon. Bon has been living as my soulmate in my room for nearly a year and i have literally seen him grow before my eyes.

He has been there no matter what. I always tell him of how i thought we were quite similar at living our lives. We were both living in a small box and somehow are trapped in our own doings.

But our lives began to look totally different from each others when i found him floating lifeless in the tank. He died. All the things i was going through and was acting flawlessly to look okay on the surface just went down the drain and brokedown and just cried. I was devastated by the fact that Bon wouldve suvived the suffocating life of being in the box if he could just wait for a little while longer. I was already planning to buy a much bigger tank once i move to the new place.

Guess it was too late.

I cleaned his tank, wrapped him neatly and drove to the studio. I was lucky to get through lil's line and he totally made things better.

I texted everyone who knew and loved Bon..

Friends and family,

My beloved catfish, Bon passed on earlier today..

ssx

....

Some replied with condolences and some just straight asked, “the catfish?”. Duh. Rossa replied with the most meaningful words i've ever heard from him. Mummy called and cried frantically with me. Not helping. And curly said something that made me still have faith in the most cynical minds in the world could still say the sweetest things.

As i talked to lil on the phone, he managed to make me laugh a lil, smile a lil and miss him a lot. I let my guard down and told him of how much i wanted to see him. He said he wanted to see me as well. But he's busy and i was too so it was hard..

....

After a series of what i called ranked second after the Big BU, i decided to party hard to sweat off the sadness. One of the most anticipated events of the year was about to happen the following weekend.

The initial plan was, i would drive down with curly and her sister in her car and meet up with aiden and the rest of our friends there. But about 3 dyas before we planned on shooting out there, curly decided it was too risky to go there considering the fact that i needed more than 4 days in a row to party and she didnt wanna be the one to wait for me to say, “okay, i'm exhausted. Let's go back to the city”.

She blew off the plan, so i had no choice but to go with aiden, whom i wasnt talking to. When riding shotgun in his car for 2 hours wasnt uncomfortable enough, he actually invited a dj friend and his dj grilfriend to ride with us.

Sleeper, being in the gang (and i never used that word) with the rest would be there since he would be the highlight of the event. I was partly excited, reminiscing what happened between us there, the same place, quite the same time of the year.

When we reached the 2 villas we booked, i was so glad to see Nat, a very familiar face from circa 2005 whom i used to think as the coolest girl in the party scene. She brought the latest accessory she found on the display of Ministry of Sound, singapore...the sound engineer, mike. They looked cute together and they are the sweetest.

Me and aiden had to share one bedroom which was right next to the DJ console.

We made our way to the event itself at around 7. it was massive, the stages were huge. The people were beautiful, the area was filled with sexually confused boys with different types of styles to show which stage of genre they belonged to.

And the very unpredicted...mud. The whole area was flooded with mud and looking down at my very new and cheap skinny jeans with my effortless jelly shoes, it was almost impossible to walk around ankle deep in the dirt.

But all of us had fun. Until...

Jack, another gay yet very special friend of mine spotted me among thousands of dancing zombies. We hugged, chatted and took lots of pictures. I turned to see where aiden was and then i saw him chatting up our friend's girlfriend. I couldnt help but to be curious about what they were talking about. Just so you know, aiden was never the type to flirt, i mean, not in front of me at least.

I walked up next to him. Just wanna see if he would turn around and introduce me to the bitch. But he pretended not to see me. Like i wasnt there to witness it myself. I walked back to jack who was already lost by then. I shook jack's shoulders trying to make sure he was watching all along but i guess he wasnt.

I walked around alone watching people having fun with the ones they love. I smiled and at that point of time, the drugs i planned on not taking gave me a big slap in the brains and i realized i was too high to walk. I sat with my jeans filthed by the mud on a platform where it was far enough from the f**cked up sights but close enough to spot some gorgeous male models dancing their way through the rocking sets.

While i was sitting down by myself, aiden sent me a text message..

Where are you? Sleeper is with us!!

Stretch my neck a little bit longer and there he was, with his black tee and jeans looking like he just stepped out of shower. Fresh and so him. This time, it was weird. I didnt feel the same excitement i felt everytime i saw him before. I recalled our conversation the day before the rave.

Sleeper: hey babe, come over. I feel like shit today. My event got cancelled for some trademark reasons.

Ssx: really. Oh poor baby. But baby i cant.

Sleeper: why?

Ssx: i just cant. I'm sorry. But i'll see you down south anyway, right?

Silence..

Ssx: right?

Sleeper: ....yeah. Yeah. But just get out of work and put on your illest and we have dinner. Right love?

In the phone conversation sleeper did ask another awkward question..

Sleeper: hey are you going out with chinaman?

Another name i wish not to hear again, at least these few months.

Ssx: why would you think that?

Sleeper: i saw you holding hands the other day

Ssx: friends hold hands. But still, does it matter?

Sleeper: I was curious. Anyone would be.

....

Suddenly i heard people cheering and as i looked up, there were fireworks. I was so used to having aiden next to me when stuff like that happened, i tend to still look for him this time around.

When i saw him, the bitch was already leaning on her back...on aiden's chest. Where i usually find comfort. Where i usually sleep on. His hands werent around her, but i heard her saying..

fucking bitch: hug me! Hug me! No one's here to hug me! Hug me aiden! Hug me! C'mon aiden

I stood where i knew he would see me and just looked. The sight sobered my confused head right that moment. As aiden raised his hands to reach the bitch's waist, i dared not look anymore. I turned around and to my surprise, my gay friends were looking with pity written on their foreheads. I smiled and took a few slow steps back telling them i knew what was going on and wanted to give him space for him and his new “firework-tramp-friend”.

Jack came up to me and just hugged me so tight i knew he knew what i was feeling. He just screamed in my ears...

HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR, you gorgeous supermodel!!!

Sure it wasnt the end of 2007, but in my head...i was glad. This is a new start in my life where i could just let lose and for the first time...not give a fuck of what's gonna happen. As my 'nu year' just started, i felt the adrenaline rush and i looked to my right, sleeper was trying to get me to look at him.

So i walked straight at him.

Ssx: hey

Sleeper: hey

Just that moment, i regretted saying NO to sleeper. As we talked, i knew people were looking and somehow i knew they thought i would do the same mistake i did last year...but for me, nothing could stop me. Not even that acned-tramp-firework-bitch!

While i was having fun, sleeper invited me over to the foambar where he was spinning for the finalé. Everyone walked over including aiden and that ATFB (not ATB, but acned-tramp-firework-bitch). They were all soaked in the brown foam pushing each other, having fun. Suddenly, a girl who was dancing behind me tapped my shoulder and as i looked back... she said “you look hot!”

ssx: thanks (i looked around, stared at the console where millions of girls trying to get sleeper's attention) but i'm not feeling so hot tonite. Chiow!

Though my nu year was just beginning, i thought i should just call it a night and walked down from the terrace. I played with my new purple hair. Gorgeous, i thought. But for those who couldnt appreciate that, i feel sorry for them.

....

As we arrived at the villa, i couldnt control my expression and asked aiden tomeet me in the room. We then talked about what was happening, what went wrong and where exactly do we stand. A tear and a cigarette later, we came to a conclusion. We could do anything we want and aiden should leave the villa before i become a monster and start a drama right then and there. (*under the dangerous influence of what we call the fucked up pills)

I walked out of the room feeling tired and i just wanted to lie down. Nat came and told me all the things a girl wanted to hear from her girlfriends. The ATFB was there and too bad. While being there uninvited, she got a face, a new name and a new rep.

We partied till the sun came up, came down and i was feeling a bit too fucked in the head. I went into my room hoping to get some space from the music, the people and the smoke.

When i walked into my room, i saw Dan lying on my bed. He looked up and tapped the empty space right next to him. I looked around the room and saw Andy, a geeky guy sleeping in aiden's bed. Which bed do i dive into now?

Dan is a guy i knew a few years ago. He's dark, handsome and sexy. Tattooed all over his body and he has that look where you just wanna rip off his shirt and lick his chest. He first talked to me when i was sitting on the stairs of the club, drunk and my legs were far apart from one another. Being a gentleman he is, he asked me to put my legs together because my panties were showing. Thats how we first met.

I dove into the open arms of Dan. I believe i did that not because he was almost too good looking, but because i was more afraid of the geeky guy in the next bed. Geeks are horny. Nuff said.

Dan slept gorgeously. I looked at him with full of admiration. I put my thigh on his, my arms on his chest then suddenly....

KROOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Andy started snoring. Dan woke up and laughed. Aiden, who was gone the whole day came in and joined us all and somehow what we talked about earlier just vanished into the air.

Aiden lie down next to andy and asked me to lie next to him. As much as i wanted to be alone and not be with him anymore, i still love him and wouldnt want to see him sad. So i moved to his bed and curled in his nook. The most comfortable place in this whole wide world.

...

Next thing i know, i woke up next to nothing. With my hair spiked up in the air and my make up was all over the white pillows, i looked outside. And it was already dark. I guess i missed most of the party.

Aiden walked in and said..

aiden: morning, princess. You missed sleeper. He was here just now. And he saw you sleeping.

In my heart..

NOOOooooooOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOoooooo

I took my phone and went outside to the garage and called sweater. I told her everything and she just laughed. I then called sleeper. He didnt pick up. Guess he was still partying...somewhere.

I texted him, “please come back to my villa. I didnt get to party with you”.

*big sigh... (and i never sigh!)

I walked back in to the free-loading strangers partying hard in my villa. Since we were not going back till the next morning and the prospect of sleeper coming back there was no longer an option, i popped another pill. Sat in one corner and listened to the waves of music coming in through my ears.

The room was dark. So dark that no one could see anything. Suddenly the main door opened and sleeper came in. I wanted to call him. I wanted to walk right up to him and kiss him. But i couldnt even move. There i was, overdosed.

My sights were blurry. And the next thing i know, it was already sunrise, and everybody was ready to go back. I knew i will never see sleeper. Packed up my bags and i was ready to get out of there, see curly and the rest in the city. As i was walking to the car...sleeper came out of the next villa looking like the party was held in him! He was in the next villa all along? I thought. Nobody said anything!

I got into the car and he just walked passed me without even looking. I knew he was pissed. I promised him too many times. And i broke all of them thinking he's just another heartless DJ who doesnt have any feelings of a real human being. He has feelings and it was obvious. I was just too fucked up to realize it. So who's worst?

When i got back to the city with my head still buzzing, i called sleeper. Maybe he would want to see me. Maybe i could explain myself to him. But he didnt answer. He kept silenced and i know it was all my fault.

Chinaman? I found out he has been doing the same shit-treat to just about anything thats moves in a skirt. So fuck him.

Lil? I cant be holding on to something (yes, he's a thing) that has no feelings towards anything. I cant let him think i'll be here no matter what. I need to move on and by move on i mean....start to forget about him.

Aiden? Yes, i will miss him eventually and still see him spinning his records around the city, but i'd have to stay strong – as what my dear girl, Fary told me. I love him, but i dont think i love him more than my freedom of thoughts.

Rossa? He's a friend and doesnt fall into this category but yea...i'm fed up with his cookie like behaviour. He comes and goes. And i dont appreciate that. Especially when my rent is due next week and i'm still not sure if i'm moving to the new place.

....

I'm feeling sexy and i want to go on a date this week. Wonder who it'll be?

ssx

Insanity is another break up away

2007-10-22T04:45:00.000-07:00

When a certain man and a slightly less certain woman have constant fights with each other, for no specific reason, we take such situations as fatal incompatibility.

I have yet encountered many of these, but have been intrigued by the fact that they actually keep on doing this for years. My long lost bestfriend, whom i'm back attached to these days, Sean say that some are just suckers for relationship punishments.

It's common these days that women look for that in a relationship to feel like they're in a real relationship. The need to feel cared for and loved. Weird i must say.

Lately i've been seeing Sean. Very often indeed that some might think we're married at some point. We've known each other for years. About 1 year b.a (before aiden). We met briefly at a club when i got bored while my then roomie (aiden) was busy checking out some fake melon sized breasted women walking pass him and his friends at the bar. Sean was a sweet guy with shoulder length curly hair with a much too initiated fedora hat, a thick thick o'skoo glasses with a mouth full of braces. He invited me for a drink at another bar in the club. We talked and i thought, he's funny and sweet and far too charming...he must be gay.

Gay enough that made me feel so comfortable with him that i decided to leave aiden to his drooling and went back with Sean after knowing his place was right in front of mine, coincidently.

After being so close for so long, i finally knew he was in love with me. I was also very much in love with him, but maybe in a slightly different way. I loved him as a friend. We used to enjoy drugs so much, every weekend of the month, everyday of the week...u name it, we've done it.

From drugs galore to almost got rape situations to emotional breakdowns to face meltdown and finally, we set our separate ways. It was then when Sean started becoming worse and i, became less of an addict as i was starting to date the then-angel, aiden.

Sean was a big big addict who did just about anything that could make him fly high. When i met him, he was more of an alcoholic. When not being with me, Sean started to be who he was. He joined a younger group of kids to party and usually had to be the one to pay for their hardcore partying activities. I thought it was all bullshit and dodgy thus i couldnt take it.

Since at that point of time Sean was organizing some big big parties happening everywhere in the city and became so successful in what he was doing, i just looked from afar and didnt for once wanted to join in the flood of underaged kids who worshipped him in the name of drugs.

After i moved here, where i live now, and haven't seen those who would drag me back into the deep shithole, i kept my hands clean from what i called soulmate. Not even weedsmoke inhaled...and just that, i became the most boring person on the planet. When Sean called about almost a year ago to somehow chill with me, i figured he already came to his senses. Back to where he belonged, me.

When he came to my apartment, my roomie, joanne who's also a stick-figured-model junkie was doing her own version of bong therapy. It was a big big mistake. Sean came and joined her instead.

We were back to square one. We stopped talking till end of last year, i got a call from sean asking for forgiveness and to my surprise, the ever unsober man i've loved cried on the telephone.

I took him back but still, we werent as close as we were. Now that we have been talking to each other almost everyday, i learnt that he had gone through the worst time of his life. He lost his job, his event company, his car, his so-called friends and his dignity. He was in debt for about almost 20k. And at this point, no one, not even those who worshipped him came to help and thats when he realized he had to come back to where he was. Earth.

Sean and i have the most dysfunctional love of all. We went through thick and thin and i'd have to say that he's no angel but i love him still. He has this thing about being bad. When the word bad comes to mind, he still knows how to come back. And he faces reality...that's what makes it priceless.

...

Aiden and i have been trying to set our boundaries. Now that we're no longer together, we have to find a way to know what to do and what not. It's hard of course, because we still love each other and are so comfortable with each other which makes it even harder.

Maybe we were meant to be with each other, who knows?

I invited him to the theatre, as my date. Sweater and another friend were there too. All yuppied up as how he does best, we walked into the theatre with smiles and we were all very excited.

But at the end of the night, while we were in the car, aiden gave me a look like i ran over his dog. So i asked him what was wrong...what could possibly be wrong that wonderful night. He refused to answer and only blamed it on his exhaustion.

It was very clear that we weren't on the same page anymore. I used to understand each and everything he does.

The anger is mounting. I couldnt hold it in any longer. I burst out saying things i've said for millions of times and surprisingly, it still had to be said.

He could never change. He will never understand. There's this thing i have within me that always comes out as rage whenever i'm dealing with aiden. He brings out the worst in me.

“Face the fucking reality, aiden! There's a giraffe in this room and you pretend to not see it!”

Or didnt he?

The problems we had, never once being laid in front of us. It was always hidden and never to be discussed. In aiden's world, thats how you deal with problems, by sleeping on it – so soon it will be okay.

Confrontations are fights, opinions are insults.

I couldnt help but wonder..

ssx: What do you want from me, aiden?

Aiden who kept silenced in my teary screams replied

aiden: NOTHING!!

There it was. Right from the horses mouth. I knew it, there was nothing i could possibly give to someone who doesnt want me in his future.

So why fight it? Sean saw it all along, but i guess he respected aiden and our relationship too much to say it. I guess i saw it too and probably too chickened shit to face reality, just like aiden.

All this while i have been devoting my life for Aiden. I shared my dreams, my passions and i shared my life with him. Little that i know that he didnt have the slightest intentions of keeping me for long.

This is exactly why everything is so fucked up. When a gal finally opens up and let everything through, she gets this. A whole lotta crap.

And as i reached my mom's that night, i knew...we're not meant to be.

You can have the dirtiest past but still have the will to change for good. Or you could just be good and have no idea where to go from there.

Which do you want to be?

ssx

Red Carpet of Disaster

2007-10-18T04:35:00.000-07:00

Last week was the most hectic week this year. So many things had to be sorted and at last, i celebrated this year's festive event with a major migraine. Something i thought i never had to experience. Being the only child to a single mother is one thing, but being the only responsible one amongst most is another.

From handling what's running in my car engines to what's hanging on my windows to what's left in my already half empty pocket. This is not me whining, this is me smiling proudly after making it through hell and is still, smokingly alive.

I saw some very interesting yet disturbing situations around me. And the one that made it to the peak of the list, would be the situation of being in between a torn family.

People used to think being married, have children and then get divorced is one helluva massive news to read. Nowadays, it's happening everywhere. To the person sitting in the next cubicle in your office, to those little children walking home with their maids from kindergarten, to the first lady of a world class organization and more.

I am a child of a broken family.

It didnt mtter much to me when i was younger thinking why are all these teenagers blaming their parents on what they've become? Why are they hating their parents so much? Why does getting busted for smoking in the school toilet become the parents' fault? My father wasn't around and still is, and i'm doing fine. I didnt need a strong male figure in my life for me to still have my ways in the right direction.

But now that i'm old enough to think and to have my friends go though divorce and such, i'm starting to understand why breaking a family up is one of the most bizzare things that could happen in ones life. And how it could effect the whole extended family for generations to come.

My mother was forced to marry a distant cousin of hers when my late grandfather realized my mother wasnt doing well with her personal love life. After just 5 months of being married, they called it quits and until now, i've never ever seen my real father. Sad, one must think, even worst for me, who's going through it. Life goes on, and so did my mother and i.

This is different from those who grew up to having both parents in the same house, in the same circle of trust and at the end, the parents split. What happens to the children? Where do they go? Who do they trust now?

I was raised knowing i could only trust my mother. I dont know who my father is, so why trust him?

I have friends, cousins who are going through some hard times trying to figure out what was going on in their family lives. I went though it when i was young and am still recovering from it. Children who suffers this problem, usually create their own worlds.

I remember telling my friends that my father was a criminal, who hits my mom so badly, my mother threw him out of the house. Sometimes, i told my friends, my father was an angel who flew away as an invisible bubble. Sometimes, i said that my foster father was my real father and he and my mother got married secretly.

Pathetic and lost. I was.

That was a child going though it since she could even remember. How about those who are going through it now? At a teen age or even an adult age?

This festive season is made for families to get together, be together after spending a whole year being busy with work and school. This is the time when everyone should be happy...together.

I have cousins and friends having troubles thinking of which side to be with this year. If they go with their father, who will be there to pick up their mother? If they go with their mother, who's going to cook for their father?

Torn in between what's left of their parent's dark history.

Now that i'm old enough to go out and look for my own life-partner, i experience things. Weird things.

I've always been THE GUY of the family, who takes care of my mom, who purchase her own belongings, who never quits, who wants to be in charged of everything because she's always in charge. When a guy wants to step into my life and be the guy who wants to take care of me, i take a step back thinking the guy is underestimating me capabilities of surviving this awful world.

Aiden once said:

If you need help, ask and dont give hatred in return. You deserve good things. Love yourself and you will open up to be loved.

Lil said:

You dont have to so macho all the time, you know.

Lately i've been having some thoughts. Of how in the world do i let my ego down and for once let those who love me, in.

This is post is not meant to say fathers should be blamed for what they have left and for what their children had to suffer now. This is for all of us, for not repeating the same mistakes anyone could've caused. History should taught us something, if it doesn't...then what good is sacrifice?

Ssx

This is dedicated...

to my mother, who was there when i needed someone. Who stood up for my rights to be loved and be taken care of. Regardless of whether she could or not, at that very crucial time of her life. Who didnt think of anything else, any excuses for not having me, but to still stick around and be gutsy enough to call me her daughter.

To the children of a broken family. I salute you for still standing. To always have faith in no one but God and yourselves. You guys are the most of the most fabulous of all.

Empty Space

2007-10-10T02:50:00.000-07:00

Moving Mode turned on.

Left and right i see walls are falling down on me. I need new air to breath. New room to live in. It has not been confirmed yet, but i might be moving soon.

The initial plan was:

The group will move to this flat on top of a hill, where there's actual peace and privacy. I will move into another unit, in the same block with our PA, eric. So when there're missions to be accomplished, it'd be easy for us to go together and stuff. The flat is way cheaper then the place i'm staying in now and plus, i'll only be paying half. The only setback to this would be the long journey to work and forth. And that eric has a cat.

At the album cover photoshoot, eric announced, “i dont think i wanna move”.

Great, just great. Rossa was looking at moving into the building too. And was thinking of getting two units. One for him and one as storage area. I asked him if he could rent out one room for me. After all, he will be renting it no matter what.

He agreed and i am very excited. His unit will be across mine, my group mate's unit will be below mine. And i get the whole area to my nudist self.

(note: plans not confirmed yet)

I'm a natural born decorator/artist. So i couldnt help but to already imagine what the place would look like. I only have 3 pieces of very basic furniture. Am planning to get more, but not too much, since i wanna make way for rossa's stuff.

My room:

I'm looking at Carrie's room, cozy and comfortable. Wont scream cold, single bitch.

The living room:

Inspired by some excessive German influence lately, i'd go with the DJs' taste.

DJ Hell's very spacious apartment

Sven Vath's workstation

I dont care if i dont have the money and energy to decorate the place but bottom line, i'm excited to move away from the norms of a working class girl.

(Note again: it hasnt been confirmed yet. however, rossa has been planning to move sooner or later...but i'm hoping it would be before end of this year)

ssx