Where she traveled time

We travel time when we have nothing to do. Sitting by the window with a cup of coffee in our hand and when the coffee gets cold, we find ourselves in the past, thinking of how it could lead to this, here, now.

I am, here for a reason. When I last had the chance to travel time late last night, I reminisced the good times I had when I was in my mid 20's. Travelling through parallel universe in total intoxication. I met so many rockstars in the outerspace.  Those days were really fun. 

These days, I don't party at all, or at least as hard. I heard from Curly of how vicious and cruel party girls are when I retired as the reigning queen of the party scene. They scare me. Super thick make up with fake eye lashes, hair so shiny - a bug might've died by just sniffing through the chemical spray across the strands.

Never have I ever imagined the party scene to be so fake. Curly mentioned on how she was elbowed by a short shiny girl on her way to homeclub's ladies room. Who does that? Though I was never really in the new era scene, I was always there to listen to Curly's interesting stories while we sip on some coffee and by the end of the session, we'd be wrinkled trying to figure out why the scene is filled with so much hatred and negativity.

Let's travel to the time when partying was fun,when there were no politics. Maybe there were but I was just too drugged up that I couldn't remember it. I remember going to a certain club to just find peace after a long hectic week. The club, the music, the girls were all crazy fun and not for once would we be fighting with each other over stupid stuff like "you took pictures with my boyfriend so die bitch".

But time has traveled itself to a darker side. Mean girls reign and good unclean fun wasn't in their dictionary. I guess people don't go to clubs for the music anymore. They just go for the sake of showing off what they got on online stores and sadly, they would all look the same. Sad.

I admit, I judged. And then God said "you judged so I give you a lil something". He gave me something alright.

June last year, I was obligated to join a bachelorette party organized by my very good friend Annie for another good friend. That wasn't the highlight though. After we were finished with dancing, I walked over to a club nearby club to join Curly who was there. My goal was to find my ex boyfriend who was a regular at that hipster hub. What I wanted to do to him...wasn't pretty. Let's close that chapter already.

So we continued to party at that club. Hipsters everywhere like urghhh. But I stayed since I needed Curly to drive me home. The DJ who was spinning had a lady emcee and they were both doing their thing but they were not the ones who entertained our corner that night. Another girl, who was imitating the emcee was. She really hated the emcee. So does everyone else. But what was more dramatic than that that night was when a girl got into a fight with another girl and one of them broke into tears and so the party was about them. Not about the weekend and the great music that was playing.

I then had to jump once again onto my time travel machine to try to remember how I was back then when I was partying. There were dramas. I was always in them. But the parties were definitely NOT about me. The party went on without people noticing anything dramatic just took place in that room.

Ladies talk. Not elbow each other.

Maybe I'm ol'skool. Maybe I'm not as cool. So I judged. Didn't mean to.

About a month later, I was forced by Curly to join her at this club called Bedroom. Same DJ, same emcee, same set of faces and dance moves. I just finished filming a music video and I was oily and I wasn't really feeling it, but for Curly, I'd do anything. Literally.

When we got there, I was already sleepy and what I did...I took a nap on one of the beds. It is called Bedroom, isn't it? So why not? And as I was dozing off into my secret garden, I felt like someone was looking at me. Halfway into my secret garden, I stepped out into reality and slowly opened one of my eye and there he was.

A mysterious figure in the dark. Just sitting on the table in front of me and I could sense his eyes going up and down my legs. In the dark, I could only see his grey fleece, cap and possibly some interesting kicks.

I closed my eye and went back to my secret garden. I left the club few hours later feeling all fresh and was secretly thinking of this mysterious man I call Mr. Grey.

Mr. Grey quickly became a fantasy of mine and I thought, how I love to solve mysteries in my fantasies. But will I solve this one? I couldn't help but to think, is this the way God is trying to say "you judge that scene so much, here...I give you a mystery to solve."

My life was full of ons and offs that year. So eventually I will put Mr. Grey out of my mind. After all, who wants to be back in that darkened scene voluntarily right?

With thoughts of Mr. Grey still lingering in my head, I wonder. Why be back in the game if I wasn't sure?

ssx

Back from the dead

I have been below the radar for 4 years now and probably is the smartest thing I have ever done in the last 5 years. I am writing this on my desk, from my 1 day old laptop which was given to me out out of surprise so I thought, why not make a full use of it? My day 3 at this new office has been great. New faces we don't know ever exist, new sounds which make me laugh hysterically and people will simply pass a judging look knowing I was listening the whole time.

My days in my old office were great too. I'm already missing the old environment when it has only been less than a week. We, the old company and I were only an item for almost 3 years. That's how it is with me, when leaving the comfort zone made me yearn more of the old cube, I will always say "I'll be back". Secretly I was hoping that the old place would fight for me and maybe eventually I will be drawn back to it and would've stayed and everything will be....comfortable.

I was engaged to a man who I've never mentioned in here. The relationship lasted around the same time as my relationship with my previous company. Started off as passionate as a painter and his canvas. Crazy in love and nothing else mattered.

But Something happened and yes, it mattered.

My father passed on into the arms of his Creator. He whom loves him million times more than I do. I got this urge and was feeling lost, so I seek comfort from this man I call John. Like Mr. Big, John was a successful man who drives sports cars... living the life. That wasn't really the thing that drives.

I was drawn to him out of my own passion of finding a man, any man to be with and the least of quality I acquire was for him to just want to be with me. He was there, he cared, he listened.

Day by day, night by night, I was crying to just one song and one song only. Barcelona - Please Don't Go. I was so crushed on the fact that the only man I could trust has left this world. It was bad enough that my real father was never to be found and never tried to find me. John was there to protect my feelings.

Little did I know he never really wanted what I wanted. I gotta say that I'm pretty lucky to have not married him as both of us were living in a huge lie. A lie as big as an elephant and we thought the elephant was a furniture in our home.

Looking back at the way we decided on getting married. Let's see... One night, my cousin, Sasha, came over to pick me up for a drink at a nearby restaurant. John didn't join us as he was watching a game on TV.

Sasha: So...what's going on with the two of you?

Ssx: What? We're having a very good time. You know he doesn't let me work right? As in office work. Now I just sing and he's fine with settling all the bills for me.

Sasha: All?

Ssx: Not all! I pay for the studio, the car, everything actually. (confused)

Sasha: Okkkay. You guys look serious *rubbing her hands together trying to scoop out the juice

Ssx: Well, we've been going out for 5 months and we like it like this.

Sasha: If you guys are getting married, I should be the first to know okay!

Ssx: Marriage? NOOOOOO!!!

4 drinks later....

Sasha: OMG!! You're getting married!

Ssx: We soooo have to discuss on the colours, theme, concept..the works!


After we got married in our minds, Sasha sent me home and there he was. The groom, in his boxers.

John: What's up?

Sasha: I'm gonna leave you lovebirds alone okay. Tehee!

And Sasha left. Leaving me the chance to discuss the wedding day with him. I was so excited planning it and yapping all the way to the details, I never realized he was just smiling and he didn't say not one word to me.

I never realized it back then and when hell freezes over, he said it. He said the unspoken and it cleared it all. Why we were always fighting violently, why we weren't happy the final year we were together. Why WE didnt happen.

"I only proposed because I didn't want you to leave. I knew how much you wanted to get married."

That was it.

But right after I left him, I yearned how I felt when I was with him. Having so much faith that one day we will make it together. Totally oblivious of the fact that both couldn't breathe when being with each other. He was taking the air right out of my lungs when we're near.

When we broke up, I tried to become a friend. That person who he could talk to. Maybe that part of me wanted to just do it out of guilt. I felt guilty of not trying hard enough to make it work and bailed on the relationship I swore to myself to keep no matter how hard it would be.

Again, I was wrong. The heart was not there anymore. That's how it is with me, I will try my very best to convince everyone there are in the wrong. They told me John wasn't for me. I never listened.

So there it was, another breakup and he was left in the museum of SSX's ex lovers.

I am happily engaged to a new man whom I will never have to try to be happy with because he plainly makes me happy. Natural love, effortless. It just fell into place.

He could hurt me so bad, or I could have faith in him and let it go with the current.

Moving on from a company or even from a person does not mean anything unless you really are happy at where you are, who you're with and not for a second you ever wish to be back there.

So here I am, at my new old desk, new laptop and loving every part of it and no matter how hard, I will make it work...because it's not only about me and the company. It's about everything else too.

:)

ssx

The absence will surely be missed

How many of us could stay on top forever? How many of us could reign the world without a single mistake made? Well i could say no one is perfect. We're just human.

But those are the words of cowards. Only those who are scared to face the awful truth would say such things. The cynical side of me is telling me that he was just another asshole who liked to be around smelly k snorting scary looking bitches.

But my optimism is saying, for the times he will not be around, for the times his abbreaviated names were not spoken of, for the times his terms were not used in daily basis, are the times that I, ssx will be thinking fondly of him.

What are we fighting for?

I just got back from a karaoke session with a bunch of business partners I made about 2 days ago. Yes, since 2 days ago, I have become a self employed businesswoman. It sounded cool and I loved the idea of me learning new things, meeting new people, having new friends.

Lately, it seemed that everything around me was working against my effort of trying to be positive. All the men who got close are now astray and all the things I hoped for – went out of the window.

Remember the times when we were younger and all we ever worry about was trying not to pick a fight with a classmate, a teacher, siblings or even our parents? Now that we are older, it’s all about fighting what’s within us.

Since Terry came back, I felt like I was being outed. It’s not like i have feelings for him, but when a man gave his best at the initial part of a particular relationship, women will have a certain expectation throughout the journey. And when they don’t perform as they should, women will become paranoid and disappointed. Some women might say they don’t feel that way and they could really be okay with it, but 2% of their hearts will soar eventually.

Terry started of with full of energy and passion towards me and I was beginning to feel comfortable in that zone. Meaning I will always know he will always be around me. Physically or emotionally. But when he started his shoot being the co-producer for the series, he became..cold. I became a needy chick whom I was not and started to pester him since he didn’t see me for over a week. This should not be good. At the very early stage of getting to know each other, we have become one of those couples who fights over the phone at night and usually ended with one of the party slamming down the poor old phone.

Why does this happen? Number one, when starting off a relationship regardless of whether it was a real commitment to romance or just sex or even between 2 new made friends, it is advisable that both parties should give in just a moderate amount of everything.

Example, when you meet a guy, DO NOT let him know that you really like him. That is of course, if you do. Play the guessing game and you will find that the duration would last longer than a one night stand.

Second, DO NOT sleep with him too soon. When someone has seen not only your naked body but also has tasted more than just your lips, they have the license of imagining you in that situation whenever they like. There will be no more surprises, no more excitements to look forward to. Yes, I know that it will be difficult for you not to do stuff on a guy you just met at a bar who looked like Wentworth Miller, but whether you only want him for the night or forever, you have to restraint yourself from the temptation.

Third, NEVER EVER reveal too much too soon. From your sex life to your exes to your Keep it to yourself and you will find that when it reached the 5^th month of knowing that person, you still have things to talk about.

Of course, I didn’t do the things listed above. I went straight into their pants and play the ‘oops-I-slept-with-him-too-soon-because-I-thought-he-was-worth-it’ card. As they said, if you want to buy a car, you should take it for a test drive. And sadly, the cars usually don’t perform well.

That was the main mistake I made in most of the relationships I had. Terry was the latest addition. When he finally got back into my room, the air became suffocating. We used to joke around about things, watch movies and fall asleep in each other’s arms. Spend hours talking about fashion and again, fall asleep. But this time around it was different. The internet got cut off, there were no interesting movies to watch together and he became one big asshole.

The finger situation. Some homes are flooded with physical stuff, while others have to drain the emotional flood. One night, after a long day with the council, I picked up Terry from his place because he said ,”I wanna come home tonight”. While doing my nails in front of this very laptop which was playing SATC (the episode where SJP was dating Aiden Shaw). Terry was lying on the bed when..

“Babe! Check out SJP’s tits! They’re awesome”

“excuse me?”, looking at him with full of exclamation marks on my forehead instead of questions.

“rewind it! I wanna show you her tits”

“No!”

“why not?!”

“because I watch this episode every fucking night. I could know Chris Noth’s dick size if I wanted to”

I went into the bathroom and slammed the door. The truth was, I couldn’t handle the disrespectful words which came out of his mouth. With my expressions so obvious, I thought he would be clever enough to cover his mistaken words. Yes, SJP’s tits are amazing and even Mylo knew that but when the guy you’re sort of seeing says that in your face at exactly 4.23 am, you’d be mad for sure.

I came out with anger. I tried to look at the positive side. At least this could be the most perfect time for me to dump him. Or this could also be the time to prove to him and myself that all the things I overlooked all this while even when most of the people have already warned me, are true eventually. But instead, I did the SSX way.

“it could be me, but this is not working for me. I sometimes, I repeat – SOMETIMES feel that you don’t respect me, as a woman. I could be the coolest girl you’ve ever met who could talk about anything at all with my guy friends, but that’s between my friends and I. But when a guy I’m seeing talks to me like I’m one of the boys, it’s weird and wrong. Like the other night, when I asked you whether it was okay for me to take pills with coke jokingly and you gave me a fucking finger in my face…what did you expect me to feel? Yes, I do realize that this thing we’re having isn’t exclusive and I don’t want it to be anyway but please, if you can’t respect me as much, at least acknowledge me as a girl you just met and that fingers are definitely not permitted in their faces.”

I was expecting him to respond maturely but instead he said..

“I want to go home”

He stood up and started to pack his stuff. At that point it was already 5 am and if he wanted to go home, I would have to drive him. I thought, if I take him as an adult, as I always do, it could end with such a mess. I could be screaming trying to make him admit that he was wrong as how an adult shouldn’t be acting. But at that very moment, I just realized that I’m dealing with someone younger, someone who would never understand what respect is all about. What’s arguing and what’s debating. What’s a fight and what’s problem solving.

So what was I fighting for? My pride?

“I’m sorry Terry, but you were so sweet when we met and I never expected you to be this rude now. Remember how you were when we first met? You were sexy, smart and respectful ”

And just as I thought I was making my point and that I was on the very accurate side of the wall…

“do you remember how YOU were when we first met?”

I was left speechless. What happened to me? Why have I become so paranoid, so needy and so so so not like the singing supermodel I was? I went into the bathroom. Leaving the tap water running as I sat on the toilet seat smoking my Marlboros. That was my very favourite thing to do whenever I had fights with Aiden when we were together.

When I came out, and as I was crawling into bed, Terry opened his arms and took me back into his nook. Where it felt nice and safe. He then kissed my head and said softly, “I’m sorry”.

I knew he was but I always believed that when men say they understand, they don’t. They just want to cut the fight short and go to sleep. Because even when they say they will try to understand, there is no such thing as trying. It’s either they do or they don’t. In Terry’s case, he didn’t I assumed but I knew he was trying his best to make me feel better. We made up and it felt as though we have reached the next level of communicating…in bed at least.

I sometimes wonder, why do most people say that make-up-sex is the best. Why cant sex after a lovely dinner be just as fastastic? Have fights suddenly become the next best foreplay? My best encounters in sex would be with the worst boyfriends. The ones who treated me badly. The ones who didn’t make me happy. The ones similar to Terry.

The one person who could hide her feelings the best, Curly was fighting her way through trying not to break up with Hammy. She kept on sending me text messages saying she loved Hammy so bad but where could her dysfunctional (in her words) relationship go? I, on the other hand fought the urges of replying to the messages to avoid being the accomplice in her personal life. And plus, I was broke that I couldn’t make any calls or send text messages.

One night when Terry was out partying with his celeb friends, Aiden called. He told me something I never thought I’d hear from him. He’s now seeing a new girl. Yea, yea. I have been with more than 3 guys after him but I was still selfish and I cant take him having anew person in his life. I couldn’t fight the feeling. The feeling which could bring us back to where we were. A complete mess. As much as I thought I could fight the negative side of me, I couldn’t. I could fight with a girl over a tutu skirt at a Topshop in Singapore but this, I couldn’t handle.

As I flip through the glued pages of my past, I couldn’t help but wonder, could a relationship survive without fights? Could we fight the feelings we have in us?

And further more, when it comes to relationships, what are we fighting for?

ssx

Right this very moment

Right this very moment, Shopper, her friends and I are sitting at Starbucks with only one drink . One drink for me and the others didn’t dare to buy coffee since we just had an expensive Italian dinner earlier. I didn’t pay.

Why am I here? Because I don’t have internet connection at home anymore. My nextdoor neighbour decided to put password on their wireless connection.

Starbucks, any Starbucks always make me nervous. I don’t know why. When asking for drinks, I’m scared I would say the wrong things, spill the coffee or even trip on my imaginary Manolo’s.

Why do people need to drink fancy named coffee’s anyway? I thought. But then again, why do I like drinking fancy named cocktails? Even if it tastes like shit, I would still order because the names sound so tempting. Sex on the beach. Who wouldn’t want it?

It’s something about me and drinks. I don’t drink while I eat but I still order because everyone has a drink and I tend to order eventhough I will only drink it when the ice has melted.

I don’t know much about alcohol. I loved them, still do. But I was not brought up in a house where drinking alcohol over dinner was normal. All I know is that I love my Cosmopolitan, Lychee Martini and Long Island Tea. Maybe those are the only drinks I knew or maybe because Sex and The City portrays how posh and glamorous it looks drinking martinis.

Curly is at Pallate partying soberly like she always is. She invited me but I just got my period and I’m having the worst cramps ever. Plus, I’m running of cash, it’s scary.

Terry arrived in the city this morning.

Ssx: I registered your name for tonight’s private party at Pallate.

Terry: ick. I don’t think I wanna go.

Ssx: Okay then.

Terry: Are you going?

Ssx: yes.

Terry: don’t go.

What? Now he’s telling me what to do? No way! I’m not just running out of cash. I’m running out on ideas to write. See? Read again from the top and you can see how period cramps can make me so boring. Isaac has been quiet. Aiden came over the other day to visit Mylo. He was injured while doing a flip from a cliff down to a waterfall. Clever. What was a 28 year old DJ and an IT manager doing at the waterfall and was jumping off cliffs? He hit rock bottom literally.

Last few nights, while I was on the intoxicating world wide web, Curly texted me asking me to join her and Guitarist at Guitarist’s place for some soppy love movies. Without thinking I replied..

“sure I’ll be there”

Guitarist’s place is about 6 minutes away, so I thought I could drop by. Shopper came by with some problems to talk about with me when Lil texted me asking me to come over Raggae Bar.

Lil (sigh). And I never sigh! He has been texting me at 6 am saying “go to sleep”. He knew me too well. And he knew exactly how to make me smile. I have been sleeping at 8 am everyday. My world has turned upside down.

At Raggae Bar, Curly called..

Curly: Where are you?!

Ssx: Shit! I forgot about the movie, babe. I’m sorry.

Curly: where are you going?

Ssx: I’m with shopper. Going to Raggae Bar.

I didn’t have the guts to tell her Lil was the one who invited us. She would kill me!

Curly: I’ll see you there. Guitarist is coming. He insisted on us going for a ride in his new vintage BMW anyway.

At the bar, Lil was already drunk. Putting his arms around me…I mean my ass. He asked me to sit on his lap and more. His friend who was at the hotel when I joined Lil last few weeks, was there too.

Lil’s friend: why is Lil so excited? He wasn’t like this just now! Maybe he’s excited to see you ssx.

Maybe, I thought. Or maybe he was too drunk he couldn’t remember who I was. When Curly got there with guitarist, we both screamed..

Curly and I: Fuuuuuuck!!!!!

Guess what? We were wearing the same t-shirt, the t-shirts we bought few weeks at the Art Market. Curly was swearing when I insisted we wore the t-shirts together, and now we did it without planning it. We even wore the same beanies, beads and grey skinny jeans.

After a drink, we walked outside and Lil was trying to convince Shopper and the others to go to his place to drink more. What he meant was, he wanted me to go back to his place. Because if the others weren’t going, I wouldn’t go.

We decided to go home anyways. At home, Lil called..

Ssx: I’m lying on my bed

Lil: That sounds tempting

Ssx: come over

Lil: I’ll bring some vodka. But shit! I cant even stand up.

Ssx: if it’s too dangerous, don’t come. But if you wanna have fun, come. Come.

Lil: who will be there?

Ssx: no one.

What does he want? I mean, of course it’s clear what he really wants. But what does he want out of this relationship? That night, I want..him. So bad. Why does he have to come and go? Why can’t he just stay? And why can’t I stay mad at him for more than a week? Why is it that every time I see him, I will fall back to my old spot and be so tempted to repeat the whole thing? Estrangle-you is nominated in some categories for an award, and so is my group…and it left me mad. But why am I still thinking about him? Why is he in my thoughts every night? After that night, he kept contacting me… every night. Please leave me alone! LEAVE ME ALONE!!

PMS is a bitch. So I’m bitchy now. Sorry.

In The Closet

Normally, when a girl moved to her new apartment, she will dream of the good times she will have bringing back guys, thinking about how the guys in her life would react when they see their new place and what not.

I - on the other hand, was excited to know that no guys wanted to come by and I had the house all to my lonesome self. But as time goes by, I realized I needed someone to organize my stuff lying all over the floor of my living area.

Terry who went back to his country and had nowhere to put his stuff, dumped 30 pairs of his shoes from Gucci to some other designer pointies, many many clothes and more stuff at my place.

So I took the high road and ordered myself a wardrobe. A nice tall and very spacious wardrobe I would love to death for it’s the only thing that could get me out death right now for being so unorganized.

And the wardrobe arrived. I was busy putting stuff in the new wardrobe when I had the urge of buying more stuff for the room. I have to admit, with my bank account draining faster than I expected, I should be more careful and cautious. But I couldn’t help it, this room is my new heaven and I’m going to accommodate as many beautiful things in it as I could.

Last few months, in an attempt to replace the irreplaceable catfish I had about a year ago, I have been asking around if anyone around me was going to give out cats for adoptions. Yes, cats. Yea, the miow miow ones.

As hard was it to believe I was ready to adopt, it was even harder for my friends to believe I actually wanted a jumpy animal around this fussy ssx. I’ve had many experiences with cats. Have had some since 11 and often ended in a tragedy.

My first one was a black cat (with white socks) which I called Blacky. It was injured when it came to my doorstep asking for some food. We kept it till one day it started going to a Chinese neighbour’s house for food when it found a more delicious and fattening food being served there. One day my father was doing some gardening when he saw the Chinese neighbour walking pass our house. My father stopped him and wanted to apologize for our cat’s behaviour.

Father: Hello Mr. Chong, I’m sorry about my cat going to your place to get food. It stopped coming back and that’s when we realized it’s been eating at yours.

Mr Chong: No worries, Elias. It was a good cat. Guess it loved my cook’s cooking.

Fheww, thank God Mr Ching didn’t mind.

Mr Chong: I think you should feed it with pork. The cat loved pork!

Ick. My family and I don’t eat pork. And we sure take Blacky as a family as well. From that day, Blacky looked sick and sicker by the day. Few months later it was found dead behind the neighbour’s house. Pork overdosed.

The next generations of Blacky, which were all black and were called Blacky Jr, Blacky Jr III and so on were all either dead or lost.

After I told people I was ready to adopt, some said:

Sweater: it’s great, hun. But you do know that cats need a lot of attention. Youre touring, would you have the time to take care of it?

Mom: You’re allergic! And you have asthma!

Shopper: if the cat dies, you’re going to get it from me.

Isaac: euw. Your house will smell of cats!

Aiden: that’s great! I will help you take care of the cat if you’re away.

Curly: Fuck. I lost my cat and now you’re gonna make me miss my cat more.

What most people don’t know is that, I’m a very loving person. I may appear like a bitch but I could also be the most loving parent ever. I love kids and I think cats could be so much like kids. They eat expensive food and they’re somewhat a pooping machine at the same time. When I love someone or something, I give them my 100%.

What people also don’t know is that whatever I keep or plant or whatever..will die eventually. People say I’m cursed. I don’t believe so eventhough the capsicum plant I just bought at Ikea few days ago is dying dramatically by the side of my study as I’m writing now. Maybe cats are different. I believe cats could lower my stress level at 50% per sight.

I was kinda nervous knowing a friend was going to give out her pregnant British shorthair’s babies once they’ve been delivered. And I pre-booked one of them. I was already imagining what it would look like.

One problem though, my mother was right. I’m terribly allergic to fur, especially cat fur. I once was at Lil’s place which had more than 20 cats - the whole night and got sick the entire following week. It was bad.

The babies were supposed to be seeing the world right about last week when Curly called saying..

“The British Shorthair gave birth to 3 kittens. One died and I don’t think the owner would want to give out the other two. She was pretty upset about the death”

Then I had a thought, maybe it was fated that I’m not a cat person. Most modern people consider being single and having cats are the new pathetic singles who loved aromatherapy.

Maybe I am a modern woman who could do internet all day in substitute of having loved ones. Have coffees instead of friends to talk to. Have phonesex with strangers instead of someone we love to cuddle with in bed on Saturday nights.

But on the 13^th of January 2008, a specific place and time changed my life. My mother who was at my aunt’s called asking me to pick her up because she was really mad knowing some kittens pooped all over the front of her apartment in her obsessively loved plants.

She insisted on me picking her that very moment and by the way she sounded, I knew she would kick the kittens’ asses once she got a hold of them.

I picked her up and she wasn’t not in the mood to talk at all in the car. Once we reached her place, I saw all the shits were all over the floor and she just asked me to leave because she didn’t want me to be around to see her be so mad and I’d be the closest target.

Just as I walked out of the elevator at the ground floor, I saw two identical twins looking up at me and this time they weren’t Curly’s boobs. Their eyes were bright blue and they were Siamese. I went to the car to tell my housemate to come and see them.

When we got back there, there were three! I was thinking these were the pooping culprits which got me into a lot of trouble with my mother. I tried to pick one up when two ran away so quickly we couldn’t see them the next second. But one just stood there looking up at me still. I picked it up and it went straight to my nook. Smelling my body and was purring lightly.

“can I keep it?”

“what about the other siblings?”

“we take them too!”

“uh uh I don’t think so”

“but what if I only take one?”

“then the siblings could die you know”

It was love at first sight. I knew that was mine and I didn’t care. I picked up my phone and called the cat expert, Shopper.

“Babe. If I take a sibling out of three from the others, would they die?”

“noooo. They wont!”

After I convinced my housemate, we went into the car and drove off to my place. But on our way there, the cat got scared and flipped.

“Ssx, I think it missed it’s brothers. Let’s just take him back. Please, look at it. It’s really scared”

My heart was crushed but I didn’t want to be the one breaking up a family as they were the only family left for this little baby. We drove back to my mother’s place and as I opened the car door, I let it free. I thought it would be running back to it’s brothers. But it just stood there on the road, looking up at me.

“go! Go to your brothers!”

It just stood there still. Looking up at me with eyes that screamed, take me out out here. Take me with you.

“ssx, I think it likes you. let’s take it back home”

It totally put a smile on my face. In the car, the kitten was looking out the window and purring at the sight of cars and street lights. I have not had a wedding yet, but I’m pretty sure the feeling was just as good as how I would feel on my wedding day. I was in love.

When we reached home, I left it on the floor and it was walking around smelling each corner of the house. And at times it would look at me and purr.

“what would you call it?”

I smiled and I said..

“Mylo.”

The next day I went shopping for Mylo. IAMS, litter sand, litter box, flea spray, shampoo and more. There goes my DVD player out the window.

Mylo has been the bestfriend I’ve never had. It’s been so good and as I thought it would be a bitch to potty-train it, it wasn’t at all. After I gave it food to eat, I put it in the litter box once and Mylo did it’s business in the potty ever since.

Right this moment, it’s sleeping on my bed with Curly. Both beautiful creatures of The Almighty sleeping soundly with me staring at them lovingly.

And best of all, I’m not allergic at all with the fur. God has finally given me a chance to pour all my love to a cat.

Isaac has registered to be godfather and I’m sure he will be a good one. Sweater came tonight to visit the new born. Eric will be coming tomorrow. Shopper was the most supportive one among all. She sent me some extra cat food, litter sand and more. Terry who is coming back tomorrow has been so eager to see Mylo. My housemate who was scared of cats was so surprised at how cute Mylo could be going into his room, rubbing it’s face against his feet. He faced his fears and now couldn’t get enough of kissing Mylo. Sweater was excited to know that I finally get a cat. And my mother, she still doesn’t know the culprit is now sleeping on my bed.

Over all, 2008 is looking very promising for me and I cant wait to spend the rest of the year and the years to come with Mylo.

ssx

Lost In Translation

Weeks went by and I just realized that since I quit my job, nothing productive has been done. I get up late everyday. My PA Eric agreed with me. He just quit his job and we then both agreed on trying to be more disciplined. I’ve worked for 5 years and I thought this was the time to reconnect myself with me.

Isaac and I went to a gig last Saturday. It was held at an old bungalow and some friends were there performing. Curly only decided to join us when I told her that the vocalist who loved to pull down his pants during gigs was there.

Ssx: Curl, the guy is here. You’re going to miss his ass.

Curly: I’ll be there in half an hour!

Lorna (estrangle-you) was there with lil. Well, they’re bandmates. And they were playing that gig too. He came to say hi when his jealousy acted out on him. I was talking to his bandmate who recently has been contacting me non-stop. He sent me a very jealous text msg on new years eve when he found out I was talking to his bandmate the night before, on the phone.

The band, Estrangle-you, just released their first album. Lil recorded it not knowing that Lorna was just playing him. I heard people saying the album was good so I bought it.

After dinner, I sent Isaac home and I, went home. With Estrangle-you’s melody playing in my head, with their copycat intros and other familiar choruses, I started writing and writing while my fingers were beginning to feel weak.

I stopped and looked at the mirror. I saw a strong woman crying over the fact that she was lost. The woman who looked graceful in the eyes of the public. The woman who once said she would never sweat the small stuff.

I was talking to Isaac while all the tears kept running down my cheeks. I was devastated by the fact that I have been lost along the way. Along the way of trying to find myself, I came to a dead end.

I had to face the fact that I suck being a pop singer. I don’t sing well, I tried too hard, my fashion sense went downhill and my focus was all scattered. I looked at myself in the mirror once again, and I asked myself..

“what do I expect to be? Look at where I was, why am I here? Where have all the passions gone? Could I still see myself beneath all the superficial things I’m dealing with now?”

Maybe I hate Lorna not because she was fat, or the fact she was using everyone around her to get what she wanted or that now she has an album which was her.

Maybe I hated the fact that she got what she wanted, achieved something she was passionate about; music, copying people’s songs and trying to take away people’s happiness. Regardless of the fact that she had to use the people around her, make everyone hate her…she worked hard and she got it all. While me, I was just too lazy to make things happen.

For 9 years of singing, preaching about how some people are just so plastic, doing things just for the sake of money and fame…where am I now? Aren’t I doing what those people are doing?

I looked around for our demo cd recorded the other day and I couldn’t help but to cringe at my own voice everytime I hear it. I stopped the player from torturing me with the sounds of me trying not to be myself in my own music. I walked to my workstation and passed the mirror of stranger.

I dare not look at my own self. I pressed the backspace button till all the angry letter I wrote to myself was gone before me. Took a deep breath and started a new one.

Dear Ssx,

You are an idiot for letting a manipulative bitch make you feel this way. She’s not worth your time and tears. Please come back to your senses and let’s work together in finding yourself again. You have got too much to lose. The group put in a lot of effort and faith to make this work so don’t waste it. This might not be the thing you’ve pictured it to be. You have never wished to be on tv and singing pop tunes, but please be thankful that at least it pays your bills and please think of all the girls who would kill to be in your shoes. Do your best, not just at the things you love, but also the things you might find as another junction in life you had to take for you come to another round-a-bout. Which could open up to 4 or even more options and by then, you’ve got it all. The experience, the journey, the material for the sequel of singingsupermodel and maybe even yourself. Try multitasking but don’t ever lose your track for you will lose yourself again. Let people say anything they want to say. Let them do whatever they want to do. And you will find that those people will let you do what you want to do because that’s you. and no one else except The Almighty and yourself know it better. I will leave you to your own thoughts. Let me know when you’re ready to come back.

Love,

Ssx

I couldn’t go to sleep, tossing and turning and was trying to lose the strangling tune I suddenly remembered the movie Isaac and I was watching at his place recently. The effort of trying to hum the tune loved by me and him, got me tired and I fell asleep.

A tune suddenly woke me from my slumber.

Mmmm mmmm mmmmmmmmm mm mmmm mmmm mmmmmmmmmm mmm

I thought I was dreaming, but I wasn’t and I was humming to the exact tunes of the exact number played in that movie. I took out my phone and recorded my voice. Then I had a thought, maybe I didn’t find myself just yet, but I found the chorus I was more than willing to play in my head forever.

Later that day I spent the whole day going here and there sorting out some stuff for the group, our music videos and some contracts. While waiting on the couch of the production house, I looked into my phone and was trying to find some songs to play when I saw a file saved “Once”.

At that moment I knew I had to go look for the dvd and start singing the song and not just making up words to sound clever.

At home, I turned on my YM and there he was. All of his name appeared and so I said…

Ssx: hey papa.

Isaac: hey

Ssx: guess what?

Isaac: what?

Ssx: I got the dvd.

Isaac: what dvd.

Ssx: Once

Isaac: haha! That’s great!

Ssx: and am singing the song right this very moment.

Isaac: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAEB53-QILA

Ssx: ahhhhhhh

Isaac: beautiful song, yes?

Ssx: as beautiful as the movie. I’m singing.

Isaac: haha.

Ssx: what are we doing?

Isaac: we’re watching the videos of the song we love from the movie we love - on youtube.

Ssx: yes we are. This is nice.

Isaac: :)

After all the things we’ve been through, after all the heartaches, after being lost in a world of lost people, we found ourselves with goosebumps, in front of our laptops listening to a song which made us weak in the knees.

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

I’ve never been a fan of putting up lyrics in my writing, but I believe this one right here, is worth the corniness.

ssx