We travel time when we have nothing to do. Sitting by the window with a cup of coffee in our hand and when the coffee gets cold, we find ourselves in the past, thinking of how it could lead to this, here, now.
I am, here for a reason. When I last had the chance to travel time late last night, I reminisced the good times I had when I was in my mid 20's. Travelling through parallel universe in total intoxication. I met so many rockstars in the outerspace. Those days were really fun.
These days, I don't party at all, or at least as hard. I heard from Curly of how vicious and cruel party girls are when I retired as the reigning queen of the party scene. They scare me. Super thick make up with fake eye lashes, hair so shiny - a bug might've died by just sniffing through the chemical spray across the strands.
Never have I ever imagined the party scene to be so fake. Curly mentioned on how she was elbowed by a short shiny girl on her way to homeclub's ladies room. Who does that? Though I was never really in the new era scene, I was always there to listen to Curly's interesting stories while we sip on some coffee and by the end of the session, we'd be wrinkled trying to figure out why the scene is filled with so much hatred and negativity.
Let's travel to the time when partying was fun,when there were no politics. Maybe there were but I was just too drugged up that I couldn't remember it. I remember going to a certain club to just find peace after a long hectic week. The club, the music, the girls were all crazy fun and not for once would we be fighting with each other over stupid stuff like "you took pictures with my boyfriend so die bitch".
But time has traveled itself to a darker side. Mean girls reign and good unclean fun wasn't in their dictionary. I guess people don't go to clubs for the music anymore. They just go for the sake of showing off what they got on online stores and sadly, they would all look the same. Sad.
I admit, I judged. And then God said "you judged so I give you a lil something". He gave me something alright.
June last year, I was obligated to join a bachelorette party organized by my very good friend Annie for another good friend. That wasn't the highlight though. After we were finished with dancing, I walked over to a club nearby club to join Curly who was there. My goal was to find my ex boyfriend who was a regular at that hipster hub. What I wanted to do to him...wasn't pretty. Let's close that chapter already.
So we continued to party at that club. Hipsters everywhere like urghhh. But I stayed since I needed Curly to drive me home. The DJ who was spinning had a lady emcee and they were both doing their thing but they were not the ones who entertained our corner that night. Another girl, who was imitating the emcee was. She really hated the emcee. So does everyone else. But what was more dramatic than that that night was when a girl got into a fight with another girl and one of them broke into tears and so the party was about them. Not about the weekend and the great music that was playing.
I then had to jump once again onto my time travel machine to try to remember how I was back then when I was partying. There were dramas. I was always in them. But the parties were definitely NOT about me. The party went on without people noticing anything dramatic just took place in that room.
Ladies talk. Not elbow each other.
Maybe I'm ol'skool. Maybe I'm not as cool. So I judged. Didn't mean to.
About a month later, I was forced by Curly to join her at this club called Bedroom. Same DJ, same emcee, same set of faces and dance moves. I just finished filming a music video and I was oily and I wasn't really feeling it, but for Curly, I'd do anything. Literally.
When we got there, I was already sleepy and what I did...I took a nap on one of the beds. It is called Bedroom, isn't it? So why not? And as I was dozing off into my secret garden, I felt like someone was looking at me. Halfway into my secret garden, I stepped out into reality and slowly opened one of my eye and there he was.
A mysterious figure in the dark. Just sitting on the table in front of me and I could sense his eyes going up and down my legs. In the dark, I could only see his grey fleece, cap and possibly some interesting kicks.
I closed my eye and went back to my secret garden. I left the club few hours later feeling all fresh and was secretly thinking of this mysterious man I call Mr. Grey.
Mr. Grey quickly became a fantasy of mine and I thought, how I love to solve mysteries in my fantasies. But will I solve this one? I couldn't help but to think, is this the way God is trying to say "you judge that scene so much, here...I give you a mystery to solve."
My life was full of ons and offs that year. So eventually I will put Mr. Grey out of my mind. After all, who wants to be back in that darkened scene voluntarily right?
With thoughts of Mr. Grey still lingering in my head, I wonder. Why be back in the game if I wasn't sure?
ssx
I have been below the radar for 4 years now and probably is the smartest thing I have ever done in the last 5 years. I am writing this on my desk, from my 1 day old laptop which was given to me out out of surprise so I thought, why not make a full use of it? My day 3 at this new office has been great. New faces we don't know ever exist, new sounds which make me laugh hysterically and people will simply pass a judging look knowing I was listening the whole time.
My days in my old office were great too. I'm already missing the old environment when it has only been less than a week. We, the old company and I were only an item for almost 3 years. That's how it is with me, when leaving the comfort zone made me yearn more of the old cube, I will always say "I'll be back". Secretly I was hoping that the old place would fight for me and maybe eventually I will be drawn back to it and would've stayed and everything will be....comfortable.
I was engaged to a man who I've never mentioned in here. The relationship lasted around the same time as my relationship with my previous company. Started off as passionate as a painter and his canvas. Crazy in love and nothing else mattered.
But Something happened and yes, it mattered.
My father passed on into the arms of his Creator. He whom loves him million times more than I do. I got this urge and was feeling lost, so I seek comfort from this man I call John. Like Mr. Big, John was a successful man who drives sports cars... living the life. That wasn't really the thing that drives.
I was drawn to him out of my own passion of finding a man, any man to be with and the least of quality I acquire was for him to just want to be with me. He was there, he cared, he listened.
Day by day, night by night, I was crying to just one song and one song only. Barcelona - Please Don't Go. I was so crushed on the fact that the only man I could trust has left this world. It was bad enough that my real father was never to be found and never tried to find me. John was there to protect my feelings.
Little did I know he never really wanted what I wanted. I gotta say that I'm pretty lucky to have not married him as both of us were living in a huge lie. A lie as big as an elephant and we thought the elephant was a furniture in our home.
Looking back at the way we decided on getting married. Let's see... One night, my cousin, Sasha, came over to pick me up for a drink at a nearby restaurant. John didn't join us as he was watching a game on TV.
Sasha: So...what's going on with the two of you?
Ssx: What? We're having a very good time. You know he doesn't let me work right? As in office work. Now I just sing and he's fine with settling all the bills for me.
Sasha: All?
Ssx: Not all! I pay for the studio, the car, everything actually. (confused)
Sasha: Okkkay. You guys look serious *rubbing her hands together trying to scoop out the juice
Ssx: Well, we've been going out for 5 months and we like it like this.
Sasha: If you guys are getting married, I should be the first to know okay!
Ssx: Marriage? NOOOOOO!!!
4 drinks later....
Sasha: OMG!! You're getting married!
Ssx: We soooo have to discuss on the colours, theme, concept..the works!
After we got married in our minds, Sasha sent me home and there he was. The groom, in his boxers.
John: What's up?
Sasha: I'm gonna leave you lovebirds alone okay. Tehee!
And Sasha left. Leaving me the chance to discuss the wedding day with him. I was so excited planning it and yapping all the way to the details, I never realized he was just smiling and he didn't say not one word to me.
I never realized it back then and when hell freezes over, he said it. He said the unspoken and it cleared it all. Why we were always fighting violently, why we weren't happy the final year we were together. Why WE didnt happen.
"I only proposed because I didn't want you to leave. I knew how much you wanted to get married."
That was it.
But right after I left him, I yearned how I felt when I was with him. Having so much faith that one day we will make it together. Totally oblivious of the fact that both couldn't breathe when being with each other. He was taking the air right out of my lungs when we're near.
When we broke up, I tried to become a friend. That person who he could talk to. Maybe that part of me wanted to just do it out of guilt. I felt guilty of not trying hard enough to make it work and bailed on the relationship I swore to myself to keep no matter how hard it would be.
Again, I was wrong. The heart was not there anymore. That's how it is with me, I will try my very best to convince everyone there are in the wrong. They told me John wasn't for me. I never listened.
So there it was, another breakup and he was left in the museum of SSX's ex lovers.
I am happily engaged to a new man whom I will never have to try to be happy with because he plainly makes me happy. Natural love, effortless. It just fell into place.
He could hurt me so bad, or I could have faith in him and let it go with the current.
Moving on from a company or even from a person does not mean anything unless you really are happy at where you are, who you're with and not for a second you ever wish to be back there.
So here I am, at my new old desk, new laptop and loving every part of it and no matter how hard, I will make it work...because it's not only about me and the company. It's about everything else too.
:)
ssx
