She Needs A Break

Men aren't disposable contact lenses, which colour your days but when it expires...you dump them in the trash can. When lenses will only vanish once you've thrown them out the window, men you disposed will always be around. Especially when the world we live in gets smaller and smaller each day.

I dont dispose men, but somehow my actions will lead to such perceptions. I was at the upperside of the club last night. Aiden was having his sessions when i received a text msg from rossa.

Rossa read my episodes of stories and commented on it. He said he was speechless. Anyone who knows who i am would be speechless reading what i've written.

Aiden, who just started being a DJ less than 2 years ago, is really doing well at it. Gigs here and there and even got into the finals of one of the finest DJ competitions in the country. Only 5 got selected and he was one of them.

As a friend and an ex-gf, i'm obligated to give him 120% of support. He started late and wasn't as musically inclined in the days where i was just a dream and he was nobody to me.

...

The whole night, i was on msg mode with rossa thinking he'd be at home the whole time. He doesn't come out anymore now that his album is out and about. I had the urge of inviting him to the event, but somehow, deep inside i thought, this music i'm tapping my right feet to, just isn't his cup of tea.

Me and the council were supposed to go to another club for some RnB stuff to celebrate shopper's last day at work. Secretly, i wanted to see rossa cuz he emcee's there. That's the whole point. But when not talking to him for so long made me a little absent from his happenings. Turns out, he doesnt work there anymore. So thats why we succumb to the same ol' spot.

I went downstairs as the club was closing. To my surprise, i saw rossa's friend whom i knew from rossa a long time ago. Just as we started to spark a conversation, i saw a familiar face, the whole point of coming out..it was rossa.

He said hi and judging from the smell of his breath, i knew he was drunk.

I went back with aiden. He sent me home. Rossa texted me while i was halfway through my McDonalds. I didnt answer, i thought i'd give him a call before i go to sleep. He got upset.

He said so many things, including the unspoken. And as i began to become more and more pissed, he wrote...

“You can't keep doing this to me...not anymore”

And there was, the sweat of guilt running down my temple. I knew i hurt him, but did i hurt him that bad? That he had to hold the grudge and spill it out in the name of alco-talk?

Even if it was so bad...why is he still around?

Does being hurt permits one to hurt back, and to break promises? Does repentance really bring redemption? While these are idealistic questions to ask, and are sometimes reflections of reality... i cant help but wonder...is he the one?

He then apologized as he flew to the land of tsunami the next morning. He wanted to make it up to me. I didnt mind.

So he did, last nite. And it was soooo worth the fight. I'm leaving for the ocean in a matter of minutes. To the land i wish i belong. To the hot men i wish i could call slaves. Its a good break. From the city, the loves and the loathes of my life.

Can i get a break when Lil AND Aiden are both going to be there?

ssx

A letter to Shopper

Hey shopper, i've known you since 2001. it has been nearly 6 years we've known each other. Ups and downs have been apart of us.

Remember the time when you taught me how to drive and i dropped the gear in the middle of the highway and when you asked me why i did that, i said, “i wanted to impress you!”? Hahaha. That was funny.

We have fought the biggest fight of the century and made up a million times in between. We lived together and dated some idiots from the same stupid band. Hahaha. That was such an experience i will never trade for anything in this world for.

Though we hurt each other so badly before, we are still friends till now. I'm glad i met you and that the streaks of coal we managed to highlight on each other's faces, we have learnt a lot from each other.

Now, we are working in the same company and today, in a matter of hours, you will be leaving us. To embark on another journey to success.

Yes, you do annoy me with your weird behavior and beliefs. But please do know that all of us here will miss your shrieky voice, your morning dramas, your silly jokes and of course, you. And many other things you do that could bring a smile to our faces.

Some reminders for you to bring with you into your future,

Always remember where we come from and who we will go back to.

Don't ever put yourself above of what you're crafted. Know what you're made of so however high we fly, we know where to land.

Learn, learn and learn. So we won't spill out unnecessary and false facts.

Believe in yourself, we all know you can do it!

Family comes first.

Just take any turning in life, it might lead you to another great opportunity (or maybe even to a great guy!).

Don't forget us!

Love yourself, you're more than who you see yourself as.

And lastly,

We love you so don't let us down. Go get your dreams, and make it a reality!

....

Sure i'll see you sometime next week at the bar or some other places...but as for now, take care of yourself.

sx

107 Steps

It's time to go back to where i really belong, the real world. Faraway from the absurd life of being the lazy-can't-do-this-and-that supermodel. After touring south for 6 shows and a radio interview, we had some time off to do whatever we want. And what i want is to sing with my band.

We had a show at a tiny bar somewhere far from where i stay. Alongside 2 big names in the groovy area, we agreed to play second that night. The day before the show, as usual, i had to arrange my schedule and stuff. So i called my long lost flame, Rossa.

Rossa is a guy i got close to back about a year plus ago when being jobless pushed me to sell some health products. We met few years prior to the closeness in a club after a show. I'm not too sure of how we actually got to talk to each other. But i remember vaguely of being invited for a dance. And i dont really dance on the dancefloor. I usually just do it in front of the mirror with sweater looking at me with an amazement of how weird i look trying to be sexy.

The dance was great. I remember being held close and he was spinning and we both had fun. Later that night, we head down to a private afterparty. How we got there..did we kiss..did he..uhmm..seriously, i cant remember. This was in 2004!

After that we didnt really talk to each other. We met a couple of times at shows. He raps. We then met when i text-ed everyone in the midst of desperation for extra money to pay off my car..and he was one of the few who replied.

He's a very nice guy who you know, you could trust. So i spilled out so many secrets on the first night we chilled together. At that time, i was with Aiden. The relationship was rocky as hell. I felt as though i needed someone to talk to. And Rossa was there to listen whenever i needed to talk.

We plunged into the unspeakable merely months after the get-together. I was at his place most of the time, i skipped work, i lost my ability to be in control of myself. I was sprung over this tiny guy. And plus, Aiden was in Australia when all this happened. Being with him was so much fun. We could talk about anything. We even use the same brand of deodorant! I introduced him to Sex & The City and he watched it from season 1 – 6! In no time, i felt like i was falling for him so i took a step back. He confessed his feelings towards me, us. It's a good idea of getting together if i was single. Or maybe i was only feeling like that to get back to Aiden? I wasnt sure. Till now, i still find myself being confused about the whole situation.

Maybe the thought of the word 'us' made us weak in the knees, and my unavailability..we stopped contacting each other. I tried to talk to him but he's always busy. Then i stopped. He was in the midst of recording his 2^nd album which will be out early next month.

Rossa lives in a gorgeous townhouse near the bar we were gonna play at. I called him to ask if i could crash his place after soundcheck which was at 4 pm and in between that and the real show which was gonna start at 10 pm, i thought i could take a nap, shower and get dressed there.

He said yes. Despite all the confusion i caused. He has always been that guy who you could call whenever you need help. He once came all the way from his place to my area just to lend me some money to put in some petrol into my car. Yes, i'm that careless. And that broke too!

But the next day, he called saying he was gonna be busy with meetings so i can't crash his place.

Rossa: hey, i dont think you can come and chill at my place today

ssx: ouhhhhhh...errmmm..it's okay, maybe i'll come back to my house and rush back there.

Rossa: tell you what, i have a room at The Royale. You could take a nap there.

Silence

ssx: The Royale? Might as well i just go back to my mom's!

Rossa: do you know where the hotel is?

Ssx: That's in the city, rite?

Rossa: No, hun. It's rite beside the bar!

Ssx: ouhhhhhhhh (blushes)

I went to the bar for a soundcheack and went straight to the hotel room. It was fabulous! Just the kinda place i long to be in at the state of exhaustion i was in. i walked around. Alone. Naked. Nothing to do so i tried to call Rossa. He didnt pickup.

Some friends came up to the room to keep me company so it was better. At 10 pm, i went down to the bar. Many many of my friends were there. From school, work, the clubs..including Aiden and Chinaman....and LIL!!

Lil came while i just started singing our infamous number, which was perfect! From the stage i could see his beautiful eyes. Looking up at me as the crowd hid him once in awhile. The blinding lights didn't make us lose eye contact. I smiled and it just hit me of how much i missed him.

The show went smoothly with the backing vocals of curly. After the show, i had to attend to most of the people there, thanking them for coming. I looked around and lil wasnt there. Was i hallucinating?

Aiden had to leave for the club, Rossa went missing. But chinaman was there buying me drinks. I texte-ed lil..

ssx: i thought i saw you

lil: i'm at the top

as i was looking around with my 2^nd glass of red wine, he called saying he had to rush back to the studio to do some amendments on some tracks he was recording. But he will try to come back to see me.

I was half pass drunk and thought i should go back to the room. I have work the next day. When i went up, Rossa was smoking up joints. And was ready to leave me alone. As he stood up from the bed i was lying in, i said, “hey..”. He came back and kissed me. I felt safe. I'm not alone. I looked at him, he smiled..

i told him, that he cant stay. He cant sleep in the same bed with me. He walked out. And as i tried to fall asleep, i couldnt. I've been living like this, alone in an empty room for so long. I needed him to put me to sleep soundly – in his nook. So i sent one last msg..

“can i sleep in your nook?”

and then i passed out.

When i opened my eyes, he was next to me. And it wasn't as dark as it was, i could finally see how 2 is better than one, how comfort can mean more than affection. I'm still not sure what that was that happened years ago between me and him, but i'm sure there's a strong reaction. Like wine and the colour red, like salt and the ocean.

There's no question to this one. Maybe it's a step away from the answer.

His Royal Arseness

Much not being promised, i was assigned to many shows lately. This is what i've been wanting, isn't it? But now that i have a 9-7 job 5 days a week, friends to chill with and a family i want to be with, it's hard to keep focus when i dont even have time to water my plants, wash my fish tanks.

In the middle of last week, i was invited to sing for the prince's birthday. I have known for a fact that this family we're going to be dealing with are a bunch of party-till-they-die-entertainment-loving kinda people.

I was determined to look my best and be one of those classy woman i've always been. And never to go beyond the limits my family have entrusted me with. The show went well and i was half way through my lychee martini when the prince's people came and with alotta firm manly energy, grabbed my arm and said “the royal highness asked for you personally”. Looking around the confined space of abject blackness, i could see women who were paid by actions by the prince – were all literally throwing themselves at him. Crazily and surprisingly, these are the people the whole country look up to. The people who people kiss their hands and bow when being in front of them and these are also the people who people thought were those who deserve extra respect.

I was clueless. I stood next to the prince and asked to be freed from the arm-grabbing people. My crew was speechless. Nobody could do anything. The prince walked to the empty dancefloor asking me to dance with him, i assume. One said that you could earn more than 20k dollars just to dance with him. Yes, everybody would be tempted to have that much of a money, considering that in my case, are due to alotta bills and parking tickets. But no. i stood by my choice of principles and repeatedly asking for forgiveness from the prince. It depends u know, what constitutes 'dancing' to this royalties? For us, its harmless, no-much-physical-contact kinda swaying to the beats. But for them , when they pay you that much of money, they'd expect to feel every inch of your body.

Okay, he's old. His events of wedding receptions was witnessed loyally by me and my whole damn family. I could not do that to his wife. Of course, he has been doing it with plenty of other stray cats, but i wouldn't want to be one of them.

I couldn't hold on any longer, i released my arm and asked for the last forgiveness and walked away without looking back. I was devastated that the whole entire party saw me being rude to the royal highness, but my pride costs more than just the burning amount of money he or anybody could give.

And at the same time, i was glad...no matter how much i struggle to mend my mistakes, build up a life of being the only child to a single mother, i didnt do what the other girls were doing in the party room. I smiled crookedly to myself.

I wonder, if that's what it takes to climb up the steep ladder of society in the entertainment business, how will the real ones like me who are very much passionate about what i do succeed? And if i made it, will i lose my principles? Will i fly high and will never touch my sole feet onto the ground again? I wonder...

ssx

A Day Called Zero

When being a singer and not much of a supermodel, anymore..you tend to grab every opportunity that passes you by. For me, i grabbed an opportunity which only pass some about once and not more – in a lifetime.

I received a call from my former boss, a known rapper in the country saying that he needs me to sing for his group for a promo tour up north when i suddenly realized that i havent been singing out there, in big shows since years ago. My singing life, like my real life, is full of sessions. I may not know what i want to do, where i want to be. Thus i become that someone who people just call when things go wrong, a replacement.

I replaced many singers for many known groups and bands. And of course at the same time with my own bands which i cant maintain myself.

We started the journey up north with the boys picking me up at Boss' home. Ridin' like the gangstah they arent, we embarked on the memorable journey on a white MPV. The journey took us about 4 hours - though it was supposed to be 6 hours. In the car, i had to memorize 2 songs which are not familiar to my ear – at all!

First show ended. Off we go for another show in another state. This next show was supposed to be aired on national TV – LIVE. The journey felt like it was taking longer than it was supposed to be. My body was aching like mad since i just had a badminton tournament the night before. Yes, the supermodel sweats sometimes. Me and my gorgeous partner ( a male supermodel) won 3 games out of 5. We were determined to prove to everyone that not all supermodels are airheads. We have been called by that name so often that we became 'it' - subconsciously. And no, i'm not in denial.

Since we were the only gorgeous pair who entered such geeky game, everyone was so excited to be there to see us make a fool out of ourselves. They went back with full of disappointment. Hahah!

Back to the endless journey...we arrived at the secluded area of the outdoor event around 1ish in the morning. When we got there, the stage lights have already been turned off. Heard from a distance, a guy with spectacles whom i assumed to be the PR for the event said, “Sound-check is over guys. We continue tomorrow”.

Damn. As we followed the specky guy's car to our hotel, i looked outside the tinted window of our MPV. I was amazed by the scenery...which was...nothing! There werent any lights on the streets and worst of all its an hour away from the venue. I was expecting the hotel to be luxurious and right smack in the middle of the event area. Nope. I was dead wrong. From about 20 metres away from the entrance of the resort i could see a cemetary area at the corner of the T-junction. Since i'm the only female member in the group, i have a strong feeling that i have to stay in a room all by myself. Uh-uh - no way, josé!

The specky guy came to me just as the vehicle we rode in was parked. He was saying that i had to share a room with another female singer. What?!?! Is he crazy? I just nodded saying i will abide by his decision. That small town we're in have this thing about how men and women cant be in the same room together. I totally respect that. Since from the surface, the rooms, which were all wooden country cottages looked extra huge to just have two beds in them, i had the urge to check it out first. So i followed the boys to their rooms...and voila!! there were 2 more rooms in one cottage! I'm safe!

In my world, i'm that independent woman who can sleep wherever and wont be too fussy to shabiness. But in the world of these rappers, i'm the queen! So i get one room all to myself. My PA who was appointed by boss to take care of me, had to sleep with me in my room. Dont get any wrong ideas. I'm not Britney. I dont hire PA's or nannies just so i could sleep with them. This PA of mine, his name is eric. His name would make us think he's a guy. But he's not. I dont know what he is. He's like that guy in 50 first dates. Yerp..Adam Sandler's helper.

We slept well. As i close the windows of my world, i thought to myself..how glad i am to be joining this tour. I needed the vacation anyway. Living the normal life is just not me. Who knows maybe this trip would open me up for more great opportunities.

And to lalaland i ventured.

That morning, i mean...afternoon, we woke up to some delish canned food. Like stray cats hunger for food, we dived into very unhealthy snack or so we called 'breakfast'. We then took our showers and rode the bumpy road on the one hour we had to spare to get to the event. With no extra make-up, i was there to witness many many people sitting down on the grass waiting for the show to start which wont be till the next 5 hours time. Like woodstock, i've never been to. Everyone was so eager to witness one of the first events to be held in that ghost town. We had our soundcheck. Very professional, very efficient. Unlike most local rap groups i've seen, we were going to incorporate live instruments with scratchings of our own dj.

We finished the soundcheck around 6. And we had to be back at the venue at 9 pm! Cuz the show was gonna start at 9.30. Is them loco???

We only had an hour to get ready for the show. So yes, as usual i put on my make up myself, do my hair myself..and off we went back.

The stage was massive. The lights looked so great. No wonder they could pay me more than a month's pay just to sing merely 2 songs. I was nervous. Seeing other singers with their own make-up artists. Looking all fabulous.

Since most of my behaviour could not be disclosed to the public, i ran into the tent for a smoke. The TV station's make-up artist called me saying, “goodness dear, your face is already so oily. You cant come on tv lookin like this! Come. Let me do your hair too”. I looked at eric and eric nodded asking me to go and get it over and done with. So i went. And this is where the whole drama began.

Being so used to carrying around my messy belongings, i took my clutch together with me. Put it on the make up table and started to sms a whole lotta people whom i informed of my live appearance on national TV...that it got cancelled and they postponed till the next day.

Just as i finished doing my make up and hair, some fans, family members of other artists came running and ambushed me offguard. They asked for autographs and pictures with me. The tv people called upon the group and that was when i left my clutch on the table and went on stage to perform.

As usual, after every show..a singer will have to endure the massiveness of people wanting to get photos, shake hands or even just to say hi. Some would even go to the extend of chasing the tour bus! Crazeeee.

Just as the tour bus was leaving the venue, i realized that i only had my phone with me. Shit! The bus turned around and we ran down to look for it. The organizers helped me look for it..even the cops! But the tents were empty. Cleared by the cleaners.

I went back to bus praying to God that i will have the strength to keep smile on my face though my tears are just a blink away from falling. In the bus everybody comforted me. Somehow, i have strong feeling that the person who has my clutch took it accidentally. It does look like a cheap make up bag (thank God i didnt bring any leatherware). The problem is, the name people in the industry call is totally different from my real name. So i guess that person didn't know who to hand it over too. I just hope that he/she report it to the authorities. There wasnt much in there. Hundreds of receipts, 70 dollars, bank cards, license, id and people's namecards!!! From the bottom of my heart, i'm sorry to those famous ones who gave me their namecards, very very sorry.

We then went back to our state, all very tired. I was stressed. But luckily the boys calmed me down by making lotsa weird faces and loud noises to get my mind off the problem. Thanks boys. As now that i'm touring with them...they're the closest i could call family.

Back home, i went to settle everything, from getting my new id and license to reconnecting my bankcards which took me the whole day. Now i have all those back and am proud of how much i have grown since back then. Now i could handle massiveness calmly, with a smile :)

We'd think being famous is Fabulous. But the first week of touring didn't go so well.. will i be able to cope?

sx

Drama-rama, who's the momma?

Another episode of another soap. Have you ever been addicted to some sort of urban hype over some really tacky drama series? I have not, unfortunately. Instead, i have been occupied with some real time drama around me. This supermodel is not just a stick figure with no soul. I crave for some dramas in life too - more than those dramatic ones. Like a gossip you can't stand a second to spill out, like another itch you cant stop scratching. I crave for dramas.

I was one of those who will always be in the middle of a family fight or bottle-head-crushing emotional bitch fights at clubs or even royal family stuff.

Being stuck in the middle or even being the drama. You name it, i've been there. I once threw a super heavy bag to my ex's (not aiden) head once over the slightest misunderstanding. I have once promised 2 guys i was going up the mountain with them separately but end up being with only one of them and little that i know, the other guy's room was right next to mine. And to make things worse, they're friends! I would cry like an annoying baby whenever someone won't do as i say. I was there when a guy almost got killed in a gang fight. I got into so many physical fights – not those hair pulling kinda fights, i'm talking about the real ones with the opposite sex!

Either they were all real or just imaginatively untrue, my being in this world was to create a drama for people to either watch, play along, learn or just ignore. In this city life i live in, it's almost impossible to budge an inch without bumping into those you've slept with, kissed, had a major rude-profane talks with, or those you never wish to see cuz for some reasons you kinda have a feeling you won't see that person anymore, you end up being your true self.

Those were some of the many reasons i stopped being so dramatic, moved to a less city town and just slowed down on stuff.

The cravings started to reach its limit when i found myself sitting at home alone and my life has been so normal. No boyfriend to fight with, no pressures to become insanely depressed about, no unwanted strangers to piss me off.

Since i cant stop partying and going into the city entirely – so quickly, occasional party nights cured my yearning for dramas. I went to an afterparty last two – three weeks. The usuals were there. In my younger days, i dont usually look forward for the major events happening, i would usually look forward for the afterparty – where its more personal, more intimate and that's where you usually get people's names right.

The godfathers of afterparties just got back from abroad when me and aiden bump into them one night. Him (one of them), being one of aiden's close friends, is one of those who are irritatingly wealthy and annoyingly grounded all at the same time. He's one of the King's nephews – nuff said.

We went back to his mansion just to find out many others of his kind were there to celebrate him being back and when he's back, the party's back too. I used to chill with this group more often years ago, when i had the sudden feeling i was attracted to a very unattractive businessman from the circle. We dated for a couple of months, he broke my heart but we're still good friends till now.

At that party, i met my sexually confused male acquaintance. He was one of those i would call my bestfriend at clubs when the lights are unclear and your head was more unclear. He told me one of the most interesting gossips of all. I've learnt that a certain bitch (who once dated businessman) has been dating a dj in the circle secretly. Not so secret anymore since i saw them kissing at the club months prior to the gossip session. She fucked him over by sleeping with his friend, who was her roomie. Wow!

We bitched and bitched till our crossed eyes were too heavy to open to witness each other's expressions.

After that afterparty, i was still longing for more dramas, but none of those happened or told were good enough to keep me going.

Until this week. Lately i realised that some people would use dramas to create a scene, be in the limelight or just to get out of some situations. I wonder, will it ever be safe to be in a drama? If it is, then who's the momma?

The momma of all the dramas are the ones who created the dramas successfully. I have encountered those who would create dramas by laying down some not-so-white-anymore lies. Lies over lies and at the end, momma forgets what she lied about and thats when people know for sure momma's full of shit and is in big big trouble.

Drama momma are those who say things without thinking, say things out of spite. To hurt, to be heard or just to sound important and right. When i was younger and thought i could get away with these things, i did it regardless the exhaustion.

But that was light years ago. We were all cluttered and unfocused. But now? Being in a city borderline tired/stressfull, mommas could still find space for useless dramas.

They talk and talk till nothing gets done. Empty cans? Would make better human beings. If you suffer from one of those symptoms, you have some slight chance to be a momma. So before you be one of those, please stop. We might be able to pull it off once in awhile, for some events where you're surrounded by good looking men and desperately want to look cute or after falling accidentally in public. But at this age?! no..uh-uh, impossible.

My point is ladies and gentlemen, dramas are bad for your mental health. You might end up living a big fat lie the whole of your entire life. So sit at home, stop bullshitting and start thinking. Think deep. Where is your true self?

When making a conclusion might just be for my own thinking and for sure i know everyone is entitled to their own thoughts, sometimes i wonder, how drama IS actually a drama-rama?

ssx