Delicious Demon

When a 20-something single woman comes down with nothing to do or simply just too lazy to think of going out at the end of the week...there must be something wrong with her. That was me last friday. Nothing and absolutely no one could talk me out of my laziness. Curly, being the clubber these days, informed me of her appearance at the club that night.

Honestly, i was dying to go out. Just to be with myself. Have fun for myself. That paranoia i had last week still lingers. What ever happened to those days when that single gal of the city could just go out and have hassle-free endless party nights? When did it all become so scary? Remember how sneaking out of your friend's place to a dodgy underage party was cool and memorable? Even jumping down from the 2^nd floor wasn't scary. It was for curly though..when she landed flat on her back and thought a patch of dirt on her knee was blood. Ahhh the good old days.

Here i am, in front of the PC, having trouble trying to put everything i felt into words.

Last friday sweater and i went back to my place after my quick appearance in a not so fabulous event. I have been invited to feature in an experimental band. If i haven't known the guitarist and if he didn't invite me to write for the band's 2^nd album, i would've been their no. 1 fan.

Unlike my other band, this one is very cool with whatever. This is the advantage of just making some fashionable appearances in someone's life. No commitment, no strings attached. Despite having not to show up at – at least 3 shows in a row, the band could still play without me. They used to play instrumental before i came along. My job was to look good, come to the studio and shows on time and be a little bit more expressive than usual.

That's how it is in life too. When you're not that significant in anyone's lives, you tend to look like the best of you. Nothing is a problem.

When sitting in my old couch wearing nothing but my bra and my stretchy pants feeling all 90's, is one of the highlights that nite, sweater and i settled for a short course of french language class. I was the ultimate kinky teacher and she was the short-tongued student. We laughed our tears out knowing that none of us have any idea of the right pronunciation. Not even when the french came from the crossed G's dress' care label i had in posession.

While laughing, i have had my mind work overtime over the fact that i'm single, lonely, reading what i thought was french from the back of my dress and desperately broke. I only have one person in mind to see and that is mr CHINAMAN.

He called and told me he had to work at another club – not the one i call home. He said i could swing by if i like. Swing? I could barely handle multiple flings! As i thought deeper, sweater asked me to just get ready for whatever. So i did.

I had two options in hand. To go to upperside of my home-club and see curly and all the fabulous sexually confused boys in the city. Or, i could just settle for a less expensive ride with my roller-coaster chinaman. On the freeway, i made up my mind and for sure, i think seeing chinaman is worth the one hour journey.

Just as i parked my car right in front of the club, i took off my disguise jacket and wanted to get ready for my weekend act, when chinaman gave me the shock of my life and open the door for me. He looked more street that i have seen him before. Being shorter than i am in a few inches, he does not look insecure and self-conscious as other men would always be towards my supermodel height.

He took my hand like a gentleman always do and walked me towards the entrance. There were a lot of people standing out side the club, either drunk or high on substances as i could see the way they walk and shout at each other. But as i approached the curb, the crowd parted and there he was, looking all gorgeous, a bit skinnier than the skinny him i last saw....yes, my Jude Law...my sleeper. He looked at me with an amazement. Like i wasn't supposed to be there. Or like i wasn't supposed to be holding hands with his friend whom HE introduced me to in the first place.

All that flashed through my mind as i felt my knees started to shake. I didn't know whether it was because as how much i keep telling myself i am over him, i still miss him and sure was glad that his sight was fulfilling enough to make me fall for him all over again. Or was it because chinaman was holding my hand and was walking towards him.

Chinaman greeted sleeper while sleeper's eyes were still glued to mine.

Chinaman: hey sleeper...you remember ssx, don't you?

Sleeper: hey ssx, how are you?

I smiled calmly while my throat was longing to gulp another big flow of saliva. I replied,

ssx: i'm good, ermm...ehhhh...how are ya?

He just smiled. I'm not sure whether chinaman still remember how we were first introduced to each other by sleeper. Or did he do that on purpose? Sleeper looked awkward and excused himself saying he was going to another club nearby. As he walked off, i could feel a head-rush as though i was supposed to explain myself to him...but i just stood there. Everything around me silenced and i saw him walk away...with his friends who had no idea what was going on in our heads. He looked back and smile and made that “call me” sign.

We then sat outside the club at a table which was the only table left occupied. Since it was already 2.30 am, i wonder who were all these men sitting like its their club. Obviously the waiters were already clearing up the venue to do a closing 3. i was wrong, they were actually the owners. From the looks of it, they own the scene here in the city. Looking notoriously dangerous. Like the honky mafias we see on TV. They were very nice though, very attentive at pouring me glasses of their latest Bacardi design.

But in my mind, i was still blurred by sleeper's look on his face. Chinaman and the rest of the literal chinamen were all talking in their language when i suddenly remember the first time i went to see sleeper all by myself. I wore a black dress with black leggings. It was on a wednesday night. He was doing one of his minimal nights at the upperside club - me and curly are permanently glued to now. When i arrived, he brought me in and as we were going up the stairs, he said i looked nice. And when it came from someone that hot, its almost impossible not to have a big head.

The club was empty. Except for a table at the corner of my eye. I dared not look. For i was aiden's gf at that time. As sleeper goes back to back with sifu – aiden's dj teacher, he never failed to sit right next to me at my empty table across the more occupied one – whenever he gets the chance to. I realised the people from that table kept looking at mine whenever me and sleeper put our hands around each other. After awhile, when pretending to text curly was not pretentious enough, i succumbed to sleeper's invitation to join the other table. The men there were all very respectable. Names i only hear at a distance of the impossible. Faces i only thought to see at large events and never would have thought to sit intimately and being introduced to them.

First, sleeper introduced me to sifu. Sifu looked awkward. Maybe because he knew i was aiden's gf. Then it was chinaman, whom me and curly thought was japanese. Funny.

Sleeper: ssx, this is chinaman.

Ssx: yea, i know chinaman.

Sleeper: u know chinaman?!?!

Ssx: not know-know him. I just know off him..

When sleeper left me to go up the console, chinaman started to talk to me. He was that typical chinaman who looked so cool with his squint-y eyes. We exchanged numbers and thats how it all started.

...

My thoughts came to a halt when i realised chinaman left the table to help the crew clean up the venue and i was left at the table by myself. Waiters came to shoo me and i stood by the working men putting the anniversary balloons in boxes. And again, i pretended to try to send someone a text msg.

Chinaman invited me over to his place after that. I was kinda hoping that sleeper would call me up, but i guess, what the hell. His place is very near to my mom's. But in another area which is so foreign to me. The area he lives in, is one of those you would cry frantically if you get lost in the middle of it. I once took a wrong turn and end up being there late at night, i had tears waiting to roll down my cheek and no, i'm not that dramatic usually.

We often talk on the phone and he always tells me how he's from a poor family...with dogs around the house. Driving into his neighborhood was hell. But when we arrived there, i was so surprised that his house was huge! Its split into two levels and the whole of the upper level is his. All his.

I toured the whole entire place. Nice, very clean, organized. I could see myself crash that place after a night of hardcore partying. There's no bed, but a queen-sized mattress on the floor in one of the many rooms. Kinda reminded me of dj hell's room. Not that i've been there, but i have seen it on the internet. Very minimal. Nothing screams scary bachelor, not even the skin care products by the side of his bed. There were some large iconic figurines, and i guess they were expensive. What caught my eyes were his collection of records. All sorts. I was tempted to look, and he even asked me to choose any one to play but i didn't. He was testing me on my musical skills, knowledge. I like guys who like girls who think, opinionated. He asked me all sorts of questions while he rolls up some joints. I was comfortable, smiling at him is one of the things i enjoy doing.

2 joints and a bottle of plain water later, i discovered that he has 2 elder brothers, none married, his father was a gangster whom his mother threw out years ago, his mother was also a sort-of gangster, and his dog, has lived for more than 15 years. Some weird stuff i learned that night. We took our lazy asses, swollen eyes and our intellectual conversation to the bedroom which overlooks the fair view of the tallest towers in the world. It was lovely. If it weren't for the fact that both of us were stoned to the bones and the fact that i knew at some point he wanted to initiate a kiss, i would've lied on the comfy setting.

He asked me to lie down if i wanted to. To my surprise, he's not one of those typical dj's i always encounter. You know, the narratively sexual type. He lied down on the floor asking me questions, smart questions i myself need to think twice before answering.

He sent me to my car hoping to get a taste of what's burning in my mouth. But i avoided it like how i always do ..everytime such gestures being laid down in front of me by him. The thought of me being lonely and wanting some closeness once in awhile could easily make me weak and give in. But the thought of me kissing mr lil at the same time? It wouldn't be fair. I did tell him that there are other men in my life. And he asked if he was any different than any of them...i said,

ssx: of all the men who tried to gain a piece of my heart and even those who tried to get into my pants, i think you're the most attentive :)

When i left his place, i wondered why in the world cant a girl like me kiss a good guy like him? Have i lost my trust so much in good men that i have to give in to the bad ones? At least the thought, the possibility of a bad guy treating you bad isn't as surprising.

Of all the shit i've been through...will i be able to trust again?

ssx

Bachelorette

Friday is a day i would look forward to in a week. Since the ever unforgettable Big BU, i couldnt keep my feet off the grounds of my favorite club. The usuals whom i meet there often, curly - has been reminding me of the date. 20^th July. Curly is not a friend. She's more of a lover. We used to go to the same school, we used to sing with the same band, used to do so many many weird things together. But yet have never ever fought for the same male attraction. Not that we tried not to. We somehow have very similar taste in men but very different perception towards them.

When the awaited arrived, like a prince we know would sweep our feet off the ground to take us far far away from our kingdom. So i let my prince, The Friday take me on that journey. The journey was supposed to take me to a kingdom of that special music-maker, called Sleeper. Sleeper was the guy i drooled over everyday. Waiting for the day he would turn to me and say “can i be yours forever?”. But it didnt happen. Of course. Somehow, the feeling of being with him is so foreign, makes me yearn for more.

It all started when i fooled around with him while Aiden, my latest ex was spinning. Me and Aiden was already having problems when i found out he wasn't telling the truth. I went out of control and grabbed the next gorgeous person i saw, which was sleeper. Me and sleeper have been seeing each other since. Though the affair only constitutes feeling-less bedroom sessions – at his place. It didnt matter. As much as i thought i would be cool to be just “that” to him, i knew the good side of me is telling me it wasn't right. So many months after the first encounter with the foreign feeling, i left it linger only in my dreams. Sleeper's messages weren't replied. His gigs passed me by without any stressful temptation.

Somehow, i felt that that night, i wanted to just let go and see Sleeper. Aiden however, a dance music enthusiast will of course be there. Curly cursed the night by saying, “what if, they were all there at the same place, in the same room?”. I left the paranoia behind, regardless the fact that they might all be there. Sleeper, of course cuz he was spinning, Aiden, who never fails to attend such events, Chinaman, another notoriously talented musician....and....my version of Mr Big, total dreamboat....Mr Lil.

I will get to Chinaman soon, i promise.

I walked into the club feeling great. I saw Aiden and chilled with him most of the time. Being a loner he is, he looked excited to be in the smoked room. We just broke up 2 ½ months ago. We are still good friends. And despite the fact i am still in love with him, i was still hoping the night would end with Sleeper being beside me.

Curly who was with her ex as well, went to another part of the club, upstairs. Texted me saying she saw Mr Lil. Shite. And in the midst of the pumping sounds of Sleeper, i got another text message, from chinaman. I ignored it and told myself. Okay, supermodel...leave them all alone now. It's time to give them all up. You're beginning to look like an asshole.

I told Aiden, the sober me needs her beauty sleep for a wedding show the next day. We left the club. Him in his gorgeous ride...me in mine. On my way back, i called Mr Lil. Told him i was already out of the club. He knew i was there since he saw the sight of Curly's gorgeous physic passed him by without saying hi. He invited me over later that night (morning).

His place. That's another story. His place – cum studio is a very nice place. Near my neighborhood. He has been my friend since i was 18, still hooked to under eye concealer and my night-time-friend. I used to have a lil monkey love with his very good friend. After awhile of not seeing him around, i heard he just broke up with some gorgeous women. He was single, i was still going through my post-BU syndrome, we met at a bar. Single us mingled, flirted via text messages very often. Honestly, he didnt have anything i would want in a guy. Never thought i'd be attracted to him, but somehow, i did. He reminds me of Paul McCartney. Lazy eyes, lazy hair. And i know people would say i'm BS-ing about this, but i think this is the first time i'm genuinely attracted to guy. Not because of their talent or fame or even their special tools.

He is a very shy guy. Never the type who would step up to the stage and be in the limelight despite being a known drummer. He often hangs out with his good friends at his place. I did join them a couple of times. But it was awkward. Everybody knew what was going on between us, but somehow didnt want to leave us alone so we could chat privately.

We kissed once, a very perfect first kiss. Under the moonlight below the shady hundred-year-old trees at dawn. We did not quite talk after the kiss. Because less than a hour after the lovely moment, he mentioned he couldnt commit to anything after - HIS version of the BIG BU.

I didnt mind it. So what if he doesnt want to commit? It's not like i would want to at this point of my life.

He mentioned that it wasnt the studio-home he was expecting me to see him at. It was another place. An expensive condo i always wish i'd stay in - in the future everytime i drive by it. A new one very very near to my mom's – where i would chill every weekend. My parents went out of town that weekend, which means i could do anything i want come back whatever time i want. I told him i wanted to freshen up first. He said he would be alone waiting for me. I went back, showered and got ready. The fact that a gorgeous guy is waiting for me to 'come' made me nervous to my bones.

So i got to his place around 5 am. To my surprise, his model brother brought half of the club back. I wouldnt be surprised if he brought back the bars and bartenders with him too. Lil said he didnt know it was gonna be like that.

We chilled in his room after most of the people chiowed. It was very funny. Both of us knew what was gonna happen if we plunged into another unspeakable act of THE SECOND KISS. So we were both putting up acts. I was being the cool-nice-girl while him, he was uncomfortably scrolling up and down the cursor on his mac. We were 6 feet away from each other. A baby elephant could sit comfortably in between us. It could even roll around, and even that wasnt impossible. He came closer, pulling me in between his thighs. It was so awkward and was hurting my ass.

He smiled. He was so calm and his calmness turned me on that very second. We then were lying down next to each other talking about things which arent very important to the situation. It felt like when i was in high school, when lying next to a gorgeous guy was orgasmic enough. He moved closer to make his way to my tiny lips. We held each other so close, like we havent seen each other for years and that, this thing we were doing, we supposed to happen light years ago. The pleasures of waiting and patience.

In my head, i felt like i was gonna burst. He opened his eyes once in awhile to see whether i was okay, whether he wasnt pressing too hard. How do i know? I kinda left my eyes opened a lil bit. Just curious to see how pleasured his expressions were. Haha.

He took his time, he pleased me. He was nothing like who i'd imagine he would be. Not as foreign or adventurous as Sleeper, but he was good at what he was doing. Calm...inhaling the scent of my hair. Touching my face, kissing my stomach. He took 2 hours of his life to do that to me. I was flattered. Cuz i gave up on men around the world and just take them as being so damn busy that they had to jump right into it and left the crime scene 20 minutes later without going down south.

We then went to sleep. He slid over to snore right next to my ear. That wasnt a problem to my hearing, but the sound of text messages...urgghh i can never stand. It was 11.30 am the moment my guitarist called saying we had to be at the show venue in an hour time.

The wedding reception was my producer's. A big garden wedding which opened up to public - to see and witness celebrities eat their way to bloatness. Rain poured leaving us as wet as i was hours prior to the celebration. Amps were switched off to avoid any fatal injury to the upcoming bands playing. Since my guitarist had to run to another state, to be at another wedding, we left the venue without playing.

I spent the whole weekend sleeping away. I'm at my very lazy mode, and till it gets switched off, i will not hesitate on coming to work late or sleep my way through sundays. But that sunday, i had studio time. 2 whole hours. It went well..until i had the urge to send another long, nervous text message to Lil.

I knew i would say stupid things, so i called upon the council. Sweater, shopper, curly. 2 answered i should text him despite the fact he has not left, not even a message on me since the goodbye kiss. And another one, being the cynical she is, said NO.

i went with the popular vote and my own temptation. I texted him casual and breezy. He somehow hinted(more than once) that it was just something we do sometime. He actually worded: “Don't take me seriously cuz i'm not” and “That's my purpose...to have fun”. I wasn't very bugged by the bubbles burst. But the fact that he kept reminding me it was nothing. Do i look that dumb?

I left it hanging. Yes, i am - that very cool singing supermodel you see at clubs, gigs, with such cool musician friends. But that doesn't mean i could do this to myself. Disrespect myself just to be accepted. I take myself as a reasonable, sane human being. Cool. But actually i'm not. I'm still that little girl with braces, conservative, who wants her future husband to be a lucky guy to have her for the rest of his life. Can't a supermodel settle for being nice and preppy? Without the perceptions that she's an addict or sleeping with rockstars? Being reduced to a cultural cliché...that's just what i need. Heh.

I wonder sometimes..am i living the dreams of onlookers on the streets, hoping to have a taste of my life, experience the intoxications of getting things with a blink of an eye? Or am i living the dreams of the singing supermodel?

ssx

the beginning - the army of me

it's the life of a singing supermodel you're about to encounter, read and maybe feel. life for me ain't like what people usually picture it on the stupid box. it's more complicated than that. but in this life of a multi-tasker like me, it's even more complicated...

after a big mishap that happened to me not long ago which leads to a trail of unforgivable sins, which i would call “The Big BU”- i've always thought that life would be simpler now that i'm alone and free.

no. its not.

for the little leggy me, i take myself as a very reasonable person. i can take a load of crap from someone and still smile. but of all the things i could endure...only one thing i cant take from anyone...not even my mom..is judgment.

i have made my peace to everyone. everyday of my life. trying to make time and happiness to people. because somehow or another things are latched to my back and i would call them “my responsibility” though sometimes its not. but day by day i get tired. of being put at risk. if i do this...i will get tired...if i don't...i will look like an asshole. i just tried my luck yesterday. i went back and sleep. i left 5 major setbacks.

why cant i leave a situation hanging without affecting anything, anyone? why do people put me at a certain stage where i'd be slavering myself to make people happy. It's like a show to them. A stand up silly joker trying to make her way out of her little box.

..

the band was pissed. have they ever thought of the journey in and out of where i live? at night? in the heavy rain? and the fact that it annoys me when i'm being pushed around – go here, go there, send this, shh.

we were supposed to go for an audition for this one show. which is good. but about 2 pm, they called asking in a very option-less manner “hey, we're seeing you tonite at the studio rite? the boys have all agreed. so it's your call”. like hello! am i supposed to answer that – taken as a question? or take it as a statement saying – YOU HAVE TO BE THERE OR YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.

i was left speechless. it's not like i'm such a princess that i can't go out for a little bit but i promised a certain group of people that i would go sweat out the office stress at 10 pm.

so i said yes. i will be at the studio. oops. yes, i always do that. you know how some people have sinus, asthma, eczema? i have a syndrome called the-i-cant-say-no . i have this certain urge to please everyone. maybe you suffer from it too. just that i'm a bit luckier than most, i have all of the above. yes. yes. yes. bad skin, health and brain.

so now that i agreed on going to the studio in short notice, i feel obligated to go. i went back with a friend, shopper. we sat, chat and planned on leaving home for the studio at 9 pm since i have to be there by 930 pm. shopper went straight into the bedroom and took a nap. i followed in soon after her.

i had trouble putting my eyes to rest. tossing and turning, i found that many are trying to plot me on the map. like when i'm not around, the world just dont spin. first its momma. then its the sweaters. then i realized..it's time to put my mobile on silent PLUS in non-vibrate mode and doze off!

sure there will be tears, dramas, long faces and obviously judgments the next day. but hey, at least my shoulders feel a little lighter it seems.

and fyi, the band made it through..even without the supermodel around ;)

ssx