A little girl in the city

A little girl lost isn’t lost after all when she found herself in the love and care of a member of The Strokes. I once was thrilled to know that the girl who was lost was actually a real girl from the movie E.T. she found her way through the blinding lights of Hollywood.

Another lost little girl is yet to know her way in life.

Last last week, a relative who was a little girl came to visit my mother in the city. She was an adopted child of a broken home who was brought by my mother’s brother into our family who got lost when her foster mother (my aunt) passed away when she was young and now had to live with a step-foster-mother.

Her eldest foster brother, who was a year younger than me went to jail twice for marijuana possession and rape respectively. While her second foster brother, Jerod became my adopted brother since few years ago.

Jerod was the only reliable and responsible one in the family. That’s why my mother decided to take care of him before he became like his first brother Jeremy. Jerod had been my mother’s favorite and since few years ago, we were as tight as any real family would be.

I was busy hanging my blinds and trying to keep my new place as beautiful as possible when my mother insisted on me being back home to see Jessica, the little girl.

We once took her to the city when she was 4 and it was odd enough. But now that she’s 12 and know more than 3 words she used to know..I was beginning to dread the ‘let’s meet up with the long lost relative’ thing.

When I got back, I went straight into my room and somehow in the midst of sniffing the aromatic smell of my mother’s pot purée, I smell something weird. As weird as having a smelly sock in your room when you’re no longer wearing socks since years ago because sneakers are weird and the only way you’d wear socks are when you wear sneakers.

Mother: Jessica! Donna’s here. Come!

Out came a very chubby girl from my mother’s studio.

Jessica: sorry, my bag was in your room before I could make some space in the studio.

Ssx: owh. Yeah. Uhuh. No problem. I mean. Yeah.

I was shocked. I know the ultimate ambition for those in the village are not to be size zero, but this girl is more than size 14 at the age of 12!

I looked at my mother and she was nodding.

She pulled me into one room and buzzed as though Jessica wasn’t aware that we were talking about her.

Mother: I think the first thing we should do is cut down on her meal. And then we start on the exercise program. And the clothes! Uuurgghhh! Its like a blind playing dress up in the 80’s departmental store.

Ssx: mom, the 80’s fashion is coming back.

Mother: yea, but not madonna’s

My mother was a true believer that when it doesn’t show your ass, you’re a classy woman. Though she wasn’t as educated as most mothers, she taught me well on how to look good, talk and walk good and for that I’m a better person.

Most people would send their children to camps on school holidays. Science camps, cooking camps.

Many parents send their children to my mother hoping to get their children back poised and cultured in all aspects. I was once mistaken by a royalty for a princess once for my very classy behaviour. Maybe the guy was just stupid.

I bet Jessica’s parents were hoping she’d be like me some day. All trashed up in mesh tops with colourful leggings and my favourite burgundy thick heeled peep-toed nine westers. And while listening to whistling sounds of the unknown tapping my feet away while reading the unphilosophical words of no ones. Walking around naked eating hot fudge and looking out the window of my apartment teasing the guards down at the parking space while pressing my breasts against the window. Ahhhh….the classy girl you see out in the city.

I could see my mother being so determined to change this girl’s life. I could be so much like my mother. I sometimes have the energy of making a diet plan for Sweater and sometimes even make dates on when we were all supposed to start jogging in the morning though none of the listed above were ever been done not for once.

Since Jessica has lived in the village all of her life, I wanted her to see what out lives were all about in the city. First, the group.

The group was having a dinner by the beach show and I was excited to show Jessica. For a girl who overeats, she looked as gloomy as an anorexic model. Nothing seemed to make he happy.

But when we reached the beach and the group started to talk to her, I saw another side of Jessica I thought I’d never see. She looked all smiley and happy through her time being there.

The group took pictures with her and she said her friends would never believe that she was actually having dinner by the beach with us. I was glad that I could make a little girl smile and that’s what matters to us in the group. While being able to be famous and all, we’d want to make some changes. Not much…maybe just a lil.

Jessica knew how to make me angry most of the time. She’d rather rude, she talks like an old nanny, she eats all of the food left for me, she says the wrong things.

I love children, but when I’m not working and I wake up all cranky at 2pm everyday to see such rude girl sitting with her legs far apart from each other wearing big t-shirts and baggy jeans, you’d be a child hater.

Maybe it’s just me now. I have nothing much to do now that our shows are cancelled due to a missing member who went back to his country.

Next week, I feel like taking my mother, Jessica and Jerod to the beach. Jessica has been good lately and I should reward her. At least now she looks like a girl. It’d be nice I think.

ssx

It feels good to be back

Most people moved to the city years ago when job opportunities were the excuse to come out of their boredom of living on trees. I have been raised in the city and have had many experience walking, running, crossing streets of the golden triangle since I was 6.

I always say that the city that never sleeps will be tired eventually. I thought the city was tired of me thus I found that nothing has changed. The laws were still the same. The people are still the same. The jams are still the same but only worse.

I wanted to know how it is like to come out of my normalcy and try on something new, in a new place.

When I was 13, I was begging my mother to send me to a boarding school. Where all the kids are not driven by the fact that they were rich but lived for knowledge and the future. I wasn’t a geek, nor a bad kid. I was fairly sneaky but was smart in some ways. I’m not too sure till now, but what I do know is that I was very lazy.

My mother who only had me didn’t approve me leaving for another school far away from her. I thought she hated me with all her yelling and screaming trying to wake me up in the morning. So why still keep me in this hectic city. At a very young age, I was already tired of the already old city.

At 15, when I scored all A’s and only 1 B in a major examination, I thought this was my chance to go out and go to a boarding school. I forced my mother to pull some strings and made it possible for an elite school student to attend another school which prioritize on the needy. I was already dreaming of going and was so sure that this time I was going out of this city.

When my mother’s efforts came to no success, I had no choice but to still stay in the same school. Most people would die getting into my school. My school was right smack in the middle of the golden triangle. Where the biggest malls were built, where the punks and the skinheads would fight, where vedder wannabe-bands were formed, where the traffic were massive, where it was okay for kids in school uniforms to run around in malls without parents supervision and walk out of 7-eleven with beers in their hands without paying.

The kids in my school were all filthy rich. With shaggy carpets in their limos and Versace shirts for sports day and have I mentioned that this thing has been happening since I was 7?

Everyone was already wearing foundations and light make up in school. me on the other hand was still peeing in my pants till the age of 11. I didn’t know how to control my bladder, sorry.

Everybody had their drivers wait for them in front of the school and from the class window, I could see my driver smoking, waiting for a little girl to come out of school. Some had the privilege of riding the public bus. I wasn’t one of them. From my class window, I could smell the Louis Vuitton leather from the LV Store across our school, that’s how absurdly fashionable our school was.

When my pursuit to leaving the intoxicating life in the city was a failure, I had to be in a class full of losers and geeks. I just took a seat at the back of the class and started writing my poems.

Bitch,

Your arms are torn,

You expect me to help you,

I looked okay outside..

But inside, I’m just dying like you

I’m just dying like you

You believe in angels and so do i

Can’t imagine how angels cry..

You want me to go with you to hell

But I will follow you tomorrow

While thinking that dying was the best way to get out of the city after my moving plan was cancelled, a voice came through my left ear.

Hey…

Shit. Now another geek is trying to be my friend? Great.

What are you writing?

I looked up and a girl with curly hair was trying to look at my notebook. She was plum, with glasses and she pulled her curly hair so tight to the back forming into a bushy ponytail. I looked down to my messy handwriting and said..

Writing. Poems. I write.

She smiled and continued.

Hi, I’m curly. You know my name.

Yes, I knew her through some friends in school. She joined my school at 13 and she was one of the smartest girls in school. I used to think she was a weird child trying to copy my style. When I was madly in love with Damon Albarn, I heard she was too. I’ve always been a girl who wanted to be different and when somebody else liked what I liked, I got mad. When girls were crazy about Hansons and other boy bands, I was already dreaming of my wedding day with Liam Gallagher. People used to think I was a weirdo.

Damon Albarn? Was he a guy from a Thai group? – a girl once asked me when I was 12.

Curly didn’t stop there. She was still eager to know why all the poems?

Curly: why poems?

Ssx: cuz I’d like them to be apart of my lyrics one day.

Curly: You want to sing?

Ssx: Yeah. Been wanting to form a band. But I don’t play any instruments and all I could do is sing.

Curly: This might sound crazy. But a guy named Guitarist was looking for a vocalist for his band. And he invited me. But the thing is, I think it’d be great if you meet him and join us too

Maybe I was taken as a weirdo in school. But I don’t think my presence in the rock scene would make me one. I would become a yuppie. The girl who would go to gigs with her driver waiting at the corner of dodgy and dodgy.

Since that moment, I got involved with music and totally forgot about my moving away plan.

After college, I was enjoying my city life. Everybody knew me as a singer, a model and someone who knows how to party hard.

After awhile, I became sick and tired of the people. The city was angry at me for not doing anything to its good.

When my first moving out of the city a year ago made me think I was on top of the world, I figured everything will be okay. I could go out to the city whenever I liked and had all the silence in my new room to make me feel more than peaceful.

But as time goes by, and only a year and 6 months of the silence, I became depressed. Is there anything that could make me happy?

A year and a half was my duration to happiness and patience. My relationship with Phil ended after a year and a half. So do my first job as a fashion designer. I started become unfaithful to aiden in a year and a half. And now, my most paying job last that long.

Is it going to be like that?

It’s my second week staying in the new house. I loved it. I spent more than 10 years figuring out how to get out of here, but now I’m back here and it felt like home. Midnight snacks are within reach, gigs and fashion shows are just a short cab ride away. Bars and clubs are 5 minutes to home.

And most importantly, my mother is just about 15 minutes away from my place. I got my internet connected today and it’s even easier to get in touch with people.

Then just as I was about to get my fingers to click “Minimalist”…I had a thought.

Why do people want to leave the city? It’s fabulous here. Things are getting serious and I never thought I could ever be in love…but

I think I’m falling in love with my old tired city.

This is dedicated to the noise, the polluted air and the smelly city I call home

ssx

something old, something new, something borrowed and something of Johnny Depp's i wish i blew

In the city, everyone looked like they were too busy to think about the past. As if the only thing they lived for, was the present or the future. As we look around the crowded streets, the subways, the malls we thought we could delete the bitter side of life. Like when we have a bad draft of written thoughts, and somehow it didn't quite turn out the way we wanted it to, we drag the icon into the recycle bin. Poof. It's gone.

But what about our daily lives? Could the past be deleted? Or will it stare in our faces so all we have to do is deal with it day by day? Pretend we learnt something from it so it wouldnt be too hard to swallow? Or do we keep ourselves busy till we forget about it. But what if they come back fresh in our thoughts when we were about to go to sleep at night?

The day after the night at the Gallery, i had a concert show and a club show only an hour away from each other. I was already on my way home in my car and was dreaming of washing the thick make up off my face when Brooke called asking me to join her, Pam and another friend of ours Jamie for Jamie's very belated birthday celebration. I would've passed on to this one if i didn't miss her cake cutting ceremony at Brooke's place.

As usual, whenever things like this happen, i managed to pull off the most fashionable lateness. I didnt do it on purpose of course. A certain group of people suddenly felt it was cool of them to gather around and plan for a riot the next day. Riot's fine. Another way of forming an opinion. But the queen won't be up by then, and even so..the queen was more than a gazillion miles away from hearing your thoughts, so why waste it? Use it wisely or you will look stupid. And no one wants to look stupid, rite?

I could say all these now. But in the massive traffic at 1 o'clock in the morning, i was swearing my fabulous ass off.

Ssx: move, you fuckin idiots! It's fockin saturday for goodness sake! You bloody stupid dumb...arseholes! What you lookin at? Never seen a woman swearin? Keep your eyes on the road, muthafocks!

As i reached home, i could see Brooke's car parked in front of mine. With a hand on the wheels and another one holding a cigarette, she yelled..

Brooke: Move that ass, biatch! We're late! (chuckles)

From the look on her face i could see she was ready to move that fabulous ass and she was looking fiiiiiiine.

We arrived at Sub. Yes, Sub. We were there on the request of the royal highness, Jamie. Jamie picked out the club and she picked up three hot men as well. Jamie was a doctor for the armed force of the country. She brought with her 3 hot officers who looked like they were ready to give us orders and we had to oblige to it.

Sub, known for it's capacity. Known for it's RnB. I knew it wasnt my thing. But it was for Brooke and Jamie. So whats music compared to eternal friendship? The men ordered their bottles and i was still waiting for an order from them asking me to take off my dress.

As Brooke and Jamie went to the dancefloor, i was standing at the terrace looking around. With whiskey coke in my hand, i realized that i spoke of Sub too soon. Maybe i was too quick to judge. At least it wasn't as pretencious and dodgy as Gallery. Suddenly, a friend of mine caught my attention..

Old friend: Ssx! Hey... (waved and was inviting me over to the bar)

I was surprised to see such an old face in quite a new club. I went over and as i was looking up to kiss the old friend, i saw a face i wish i never knew. There he was, all bald of him.

Rossa.

My past which i wish wouldn't be staring at me in the face and sadly when i had no where to run to. I just walked off leaving my old friend wondering. I went to my table and as how much i was trying to look away, he was there in the corner of my eyes. Thats how it is in life. No matter how far back you hide the memories in your brains, it will still be there.

I told Brooke i couldnt bare the whole situation and went downstairs and waited for the girls to be done. All of us including the cute officers. We headed downtown for a drink and a late night supper. While looking for a parking spot, Jamie who passed out at the back of the car woke up and insisted we pull over. She was the only one who didnt drink and only drank soda the whole night. She's a doctor, we couldnt blame her. But just as we pulled over, she opened the door and spit out some saliva and was burping. We thought she was going to puke but she didnt. So we continued talking in the car.

Suddenly, we heard a full force of water-vomit draining by the side of the car. There she was, the doctor who puked out a lot of water. We burst out laughing. How the hell did she do it? With very little soda consumption, she went from beyoncé like sexy doctor – to a chic who couldnt handle her alcohol.

While Jamie was trying so hard to cover the shame at the restaurant later, we were reminiscing the times when we were hardcore partying and was hardcore puking by the side of the streets in the city – long ago. Though it was funny, we still had a wish that we could erase all of that memory.

Then the guy whom i thought was only missing me at his unsober state of mind sent me a text msg..

Lil: How was Sub?

I replied and wasn't too sure of how to react..

Ssx: it was okay. Whats up, homie?

Lil: i was thinking if you were free later, maybe you could drop by at the studio for awhile. We could chill. What say you?

Ssx: i got my girls driving me. So its gonna take me some time to take my car and all.

Lil: bring the girls along. It's only me and Harry.

Suddenly, we saw few vans parked by the side of the restaurant and out came all the riot-planning crew walking straight towards the main road to the city.

Brooke got a call from her father asking us to come back home. Everyone was worried that the riot was going to start that morning, at 5 am. We went back to Brooke's. My mother was not at home and i was worried to stay alone. So i crashed.

Before i went to sleep..

Ssx: i gotta stay home tonight. Those people are starting to gather up all around the city. And i'm scared

Lil: there's nothing to be scared. I fell asleep waiting for you at the studio. Oh well..

Ssx: really sorry. Maybe some other time?

Lil: i hope there wont be another riot or any other excuses for you not to chill with me..

Ssx: dont say that. It's just the time. Just not right. We make it work..i promise

I promised. But will i be able to keep it? Looking back when we were just friends, were the times i wish i could delete from his memory. I was uggg-leh and he was fat. And the times when i was obsessed with him and he was playing hard to get, was the part i wanted to delete from mine.

But at this point, i just wanted to delete my arrogance because just as someone opens up to me, i get scared. Maybe it wasn't the riot. Maybe it was me. Plain chicken shitted me.

The next day, trying not to be a fussy guest, i slept through the day thinking i could avoid having to trouble the host. When i woke up, it was already dark outside.

I had a thought, maybe i enjoy being left in the dark. Like how i refuse to wake up in the morning and face everything in the sunlight. Bright and clear.

Days went by and Curly was already packing to go to India. Somewhere i longed to visit. When a certain people in our lives are leaving us for quite long and by long i mean a week, there wont be anything interesting enough for us to look forward to the next day – especially when you dont have someone special in your life.

I couldn't wake up the morning after i moved manually to my new place. When i finally had the courage to move my ass off the mattress still on the floor, it was 5 pm. And as i looked out my window, i saw the mountains, the village people. And it was lovely. How could that place look so safe and peaceful when its 5 minutes away from the deafening city? I couldn't believe how lucky i was to have that place finally. And never have i experienced smiling 2 minutes after i woke up from sleep.

I went straight to Producer's house to park my car there because we were having a show on an island up north and i thought it would be fabulous. I heard there would be thousands await for our arrival. Fighter, the Dj was there getting ready to drive us up there. Picked up Eric, our PA and off we went.

As we arrived there, as usual, i was told that i will be sharing a room with a famous' band's PR named Kimmy. Huh...kimmy...where have i heard that name? Oh well. Fuck it. I left kimmy hanging and joined the boys in their room.

At around 4am, we were still watching movies and wide awake. At about 5 i realized one by one went down. And at last, me. I was tossing and turning trying to delete the snores harmonizing in that room. It was crazy. Just as i was falling asleep, finally...

She left on a monday ♫♪ she's a siren down the road ♫♪ - my phone was ringing. And as i wanted to pick up the annoying call. The person hung up.

As i looked at the phone, i saw a name i knew who be the only one who could do such annoying thing...Amy.

Amy was a guy i knew a long time ago, while searching for my identity. He was okay. We were quite close as friends till he went to Middlesex to continue his studies. After years of making dates but failing to turn up to every one of them, he started to give me missed calls at 4, 5, 6 o'clock in the morning. And the weird thing was, when i called he didnt pick. So what was it that he wanted?

I text-ed him..

Ssx: what the fuck?

Amy: woah woah...you seem upset. Chill

Ssx: chill? It's fockin 6 in the morning!

Amy: its been so long and i didnt know you turned out to be an asshole over these years

Ssx: I'm not her. Ssx changed her number

Amy: what's her number then?

He had the guts to ask for my number from whoever he didnt know was using my number now.

Ssx: so you could bother her late at night?

Amy: okay dude, i'm sorry youre using her number now. But you gotta chill for a second. I knew ssx since way before you i think. I'm her bestfriend. I didnt know she had an operator aswering to her calls now. Sorry dude

I got so mad and didnt want it to end there..

Ssx: if you were her bestfriend, when you dial her number, you talk. Not hang up after few dial tones. Fuck off. By the way, this is her father

I thought he would run into a toilet bowl and flush his head for such an embarassment. But nope. The guy had more than guts and a thick skin to still send another msg...

Amy: Sorry sir. Tell her i called. How is she doing by the way? And is she working now? Tell her to call me. You have a good day ahead of you sir. Thank you and ...bla bla bla bla.

I looked at my cell thinking what the hell was that guy on that he could be so annoying. Now that was definitely a past i wish i could delete off my memory.

The next day, after the signing session, the radio interview, and all the whatevers we got ready for the real show. I wasn't a big fan of the local pop scene, thus i not know of any pop singers or groups. So as Producer started shaking hands with some of them and started chatting them up, i followed his steps and suddenly, i was shaking hands with a fairly attractive girl.. she said..

Girl: Ssx? Are you ssx?

Wow. Am i that famous now? That people i've never met before could recognize me from tv or magazines?

Ssx: yea.. and you are?

Girl: hi i'm kimmy. You were supposed to be my roommate last night?

Ssx: ouh...erkk (fuck) yea. We went out last night so i went back to the boys'.

Kimmy: ahahaha. Okay

I went straight to the buffet hoping to avoid her in that confined VIP area. While waiting for our turn to hype up the concert, kimmy came by with some of the band members and came to sit with us.

She sat across from me and was approximately 2 meters away from me when she blurted..

Kimmy: youre not ssx, rite? People used to call you donna, rite?

A name i havent heard people calling me since years ago. But yet still stuck to lil's tongue.

Ssx: yea..why?

Kimmy: you used to go out with Phil.

Ssx: sorry. No

......

Actually yes, i have had a relationship with a guy named Phil. A metal drummer of a used-to-be-famous band in the country. Though he was the first, i have deleted him from my memory years ago. Most girls would treasure everything they had with their first real boyfriend. I didnt. Phil was an ugly guy who was a cheating bastard and i went down to his level to be with him. He was 8 years older than me when we met. I was 18 at that time and was in college. Though he was a much older guy, he didnt have not even a bank account, a job, a real toothbrush and worst of all ...underwear. He shared everything with his siblings and yes, he was still staying with his parents. I think till now.

The only thing he was good at in his life was his drumming skills. We started going out because i refuse to judge a book by its cover so i tried. I helped him build his life. From having no money, no car, he had some and was driving my car nearly everyday. I thought why have so much and not share while some people had none.

My mother started sending him alowance money since i told my mom i had to use some of my money to go out with Phil. We bought him some leather goods when we were in china for him to start his new job. We did everything we could.

He had no cell phone, no landline so when he didnt call me for 6 days, i figured he was out of money. I didnt care. But when he drove my car and not for once pump any fuel into it and started putting off his cigarette on the body of my car, i thought there should be a stop to this.

I was driving an o'skoo white charade after nearly a year of riding on his old bike to the city every so often. My friends were surprised of how i could go that low to be with a man who was treating me so badly.

Things got worst when i joined a big band and it was my first big break. I got to sing alongside some big names on some big stages around the city. He, who was the famous one back then couldnt take the challenge. While i was there through thick and thin with him going to gigs with only 2 bucks (and all for the fuel) and painting his face for shows, he didnt even care about my singing.

One day, after my gig, he started throwing tantrums at me in public. He threw my meal at a restaurant in front of everyone. I left crying and called my ex, Boy who was on the island. He played Portishead's Only You on the phone and said everything was going to be okay.

Few months after that, i heard some shocking news from a certain guy saying Phil had been cheating behind my back. Taking out girls with my car. So i put a stop to it. I left him.

Years after that, when he saw and me he actually wanted to get back.

A girl, who was a roommate of my officemate got to know i was having dinner with her roommie and decided to join. She confessed..

“U dated Phil rite?...you found out about him going out with others girls. One of them was me. I'm here because i want you to know how sorry i am. I didnt know he had a girlfriend. But for the record, we didnt do anything. He did wanna do stuff but i didnt like him. He actually stayed over a studio i was chilling at just to wait until i gave in. i thought he was cool and all until he picked me up in this really old car..it was a white charade and it was ugly!!”

I smiled and said, “the calls he made to you, was my money. The phone he called you with, was my phone. The money he took you to dinner, was my money. The ugly car he picked you up with...was my charade.”

Yes, i was that stupid. But he was ugly so i won.

....

Kimmy didnt stop there. She knew it was me but still wanted to hear it from my mouth.

Kimmy: yes! You were donna. I knew you. I had a picture of you with the band back then. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. I can show you, producer!

Ssx: i didnt go out with Phil. I know him. But he wasn't my boyfriend

Kimmy: C'mon, you were wearing knee high socks, with spikey hair and lots of earrings. Thats you.

Ssx: and who are you?

Kimmy: i was Tony (the band's manager)'s girlfriend that time...kimmy, remember?

Ssx: Sorry, maybe you got fat and now i dont realize your face

Kimmy: well at least, i wasnt the one wearing knee high socks! Hahahahahahahahahhaahahahah

Ssx: still rocking it, honeh! (showing my fishnets)

Everyone was listening. Yes, i was that girl before but if i was unfamous and still didnt realize who she was, then she must be really ugly that i didnt realize her. And plus, what was she trying to do saying those things in front of everyone? She couldve pulled me in one corner and say it to my face. As my expression was getting more fake than ever..

Ssx: this shouldnt be discussed here

Kimmy: i wouldnt have discussed this here if you came back to the room last night!

What the fuck! Who does she think she is? She's just a PR for a new band who wasnt even famous just yet. Losers like her should be shot at sight. Not even permitted in a VIP room. Have being an ultimate loser in the past suddenly give you the right to talk like that to some who achieved something now?

I wonder if all the people who have known of my past would see how i've grown or do they still say...”Ahhh..that girl. She used to be a ____” or something. I never regret anything that have happened in my life except for that era. The Phil-ho-fuckit era.

I wonder, how do we know when the past is present? Is there a way for them to stay in the past and not be present?

We reached the city that same night and i was still horrified by that bitch though it was already 2.30 am. I was beginning to forget about the past and moved to my present. I have to let go of what was bitter and be brave to move on to my possible future, Lil. I felt like calling him but was too tired.

At about 3, i felt like looking at my cell when he called..

Lil: yo yo! Yo rapper! Hahaha. Where you at homie?

Ssx: hey baby, i just got here. In the city. Gonna take my car and going back to my mom's. What's up?

Lil: come and see me. I got a place somewhere. I wanna take you there. Call me once youre in this area.

Ssx: aiighhhhhtttttt

I drove into the city, stopped by a petrol station and i freshened up for the big night. When i got to the city, where lil had asked me to wait for him, which was in a dark area, i was impatiently waiting for the time to come so i could be all comfortable with him. Though i had been reserving myself, i've been missing him at the same time too.

15 minutes was the duration lil promised. 30 minutes went by and still he was no where to be seen. I was getting nervous. Looking at my cell, he didnt call. Then i had a thought, why do i keep doing this too myself? Let people push me around, like a puppet with no feelings. But if i had too much pride, how do i let people in?

Just as i was about to give up, lil's mpv stopped next to mine and he lead me to an indian restaurant nearby.

Ssx: hey! How are ya?

Lil: great! Come. I wanna show you something. Do you know that above this restaurant there's a nice hotel?

Ssx: a cheap hotel you mean? (gosh! Why is he bringing me here?)

Lil: it's kinda nice you know. We were out partying last night and was too fucked to go back. So we crashed here. After you (leading me to a staircase)

As we went up, i realized he was right. All that i imagined was wrong. The hotel was clean and not too shabby at all.

As we got into his room, i realized there were pills here and there. He was sweating...again. Saying the food he was eating was too spicy. I just lied next to his knees looking up at him. I thought, i looked fabulous and sexy and was surely feeling the hots for him. He turned on the tv and we were both lying on the bed. Suddenly, a song Curly introduced me to - saying it reminds her of me and lil whenever she hears that song – was playing in my head.

As we were watching tv, lil proposed to something i wasn't sure was too sexy.

Lil: you wanna pop half a pill? I could use a half right now.

I looked at him with an amazement.

Ssx: you sure? I dont think so. You go ahead

In my head, this whole scene feels so much of 5 years ago when you were too nervous being with someone you liked and you had to have something to chew on or be high on. This past is something i thought i would be able to grow out of now. But i guess lil couldnt.

He then lie next to me again and we were talking about one thing we had in common and that one thing was being displayed in front of our eyes, the ocean. We felt comfortable. And at times, we looked at each other.

And just smiled and somehow we knew we liked each other. Suddenly, as we were deep into each other, lil got a phonecall. It was his friend wanting to come over to hand over some stuff and i had a feeling the night was going to be over.

His friend came with a girl whom i presume was one of the girls they were partying with the night before. I fell asleep with my fabulous make up on, waiting for his friend to leave.

And as lil's feet kept rubbing to mine under my sheet, i woke up and to my surprise, the song which was so me and him – according to curly, was playing on tv. I looked at lil with a smile...but he was too high on his life.

I looked at my watch and it was already 7 am.

Ssx: hey, i think i gotta go

Lil: (looking frustrated) so soon?

Ssx: so soon? It's 7. and i think my mom's at home.

Lil walked me out and as i went into the elevator, he stood in front of the door and was hoping for a good-something kiss from me..

Lil: so...

I pressed the close button and the door closed.

Sure i didnt close the door to my heart – just yet. But the thought of him being too slow was something i couldnt handle. Not for now. I'm sure he wanted more than just to be friends in bed. But he had to put all his fears and what he went through in the past..in the past.

And of all the things i thought i learned from my past, i thought i could be more patient. Have we become so cynical that we couldnt sense romance at all?

Once we passed through this, will the romance still lingers? I wonder

ssx

Hand me over my heart

When a gal misses the days when she was out partying hard and having booked all weekend for dates and other engagements, she tries hard to hide it. I was that gal. Remember when i told you i was ready to date new people? Just when i thought being ready could make everything work, all the single men decided to quit on me.

Last Friday, i was determined to take my fabulous ass out and have a little dance to sweat out all the access baggage i have hanging in my rear end (thanks minimalist!). I promised curly that i would pick her up at the upperside club and straight to sleeper's gig at another club further up town. But that night, i had a studio practice and had to stay till 11pm. So as i rushed home and got ready, Fary who was also waiting to see me had already called asking where the hell i was..

Fary: babe, where you at?

Ssx: I'm on my way, hunny

Fary:...u sure?

Ssx: okay okay..I'm about to get into the bathroom to take a quick shower, then find a suitable top to match my skinny jeans and put on some effortless make up and off i go.

Fary: *sighs....sounds like you're already on your way...

Oops! Damn..i always end up being late on nights where i actually want to go out.

As i grabbed my car keys and head for the door i realized i forgot my cell. Went back in and took my cell on the dining table and then i realized i forgot my other set of keys. Shikes! Okay, there's no need to rush. After all, i was already late.

I got to the upperside club at 1.30 am. Curly who was looking fabulous than ever got into the car and told me Hammy, her ex whom she got back together with, was asking if he could get her by then. I said..

Ssx: curls! We just got out..

Curly: YOU just got out. I was here since before 12!

Point taken. But i was really excited to go out i could feel that that night was going to turn out good.

As we walked into the club wearing the finest of what we had left out of the laundry bag, i looked around and there were not many of those who i always see. And even so, the club was not as packed as expected.

We went upstairs and met some lovely people of sleeper's clan. Some updated me with some news and some just came by to say hi. Everything was fine until...

*msg tone

Lil: hey..whatchu up to?

Pandonne moi? Was that who i thought it was? Just as i thought i could get him out of my system. Not for long, but long enough to make get attracted to sleeper again. I lost it with sleeper. He now has an old haggard lady to take care of him and his morning biryanis. I thought i could develop that old feeling again. I've caught monogamous and i got it from curly. Since Lil, i couldn't think about anyone else sexually. Not even thinking of licking a bartender's ears.

I looked around for a reason not to answer to his msg. Then an Indian guy came and talked me up.

Indian guy: hey..why that angry face?

Ssx: I'm not angry

Indian guy: yea you are. You look like Bambi you know. And angry Bambi

That's it. There's nothing there that could top it. So i looked away and replied to Lil..

Ssx: at the village. For sleeper

Lil: how was it?

Ssx: cool. Just cool

Lil: I'm at a nearby club, Sub. For a friend's party. Where you headed later?

Ssx: send the girls and straight home

Lil: Home? Home's boring. Come out and party with us

Ssx: hmmmm

Lil: hmmm? Just call me once you're done

Secretly, i was excited to know he wanted me to be there partying with him. But he said he was at Sub. Only the most pretentious people would be caught dead at that club. Why was Lil there? Has he suddenly become one of those polo wearing-collar popping-rnb listening crowd. Euwwww.

Curly and i walked fary out of the club because her husband was supposed to pick her up in front of a nearby hotel. As we were walking by the side of the road full of the icks and the euws, someone called a name i refuse to answer to since prom...

I walked straight and didn't want to look back. But the voice kept going stronger and louder. I looked back and just as i was about to swear at the man, it was Lil.

Lil: Gallery! Call me.

Gallery. A new place built on my school land. They tore down a historic building for a building which was predictably filled with the pretentious crowd Lil was hanging with – i presume.

As i got there, i was amazed by how a 7 starred building could be invaded by the utmost dodgiest of people anyone could have ever seen. Lil was standing in front of the bar he was planning on having a quick bite and some whiskey.

I was surprised he was actually with the royal arseness' nephew. Lil cant be one of them. He's a down to earth lad who used to hate all these people. He dared not introduced me to any of them and as i know i hold a higher standard than those assholes, i still refuse to be thought of as a leper, whore who would do anything to be seen with that group.

I ordered my glass of wine and insisted to pay for it myself, even though i was only left with 50bucks.

Lil was looking nervous. He looked cute. He didn't know what to say and he was sweating profusely. I was looking at him making him more uncomfortable.

Lil: it's pretty hot here aye

Ssx: nope. It feels fine.

Lil: it's hot...erm...excuse me! Could i get my nachos now please!

Was it really the heat? Or was it me? Do i make him that nervous? If i do..it would be cute but why now? When i finally try to put him off my mind. Maybe it's too late? Or maybe i should take it slow on this one and be more patient.

He looked young, as young as the first time i saw him about 7 years ago. When he had his nipples pierced. Haha.

I looked around and was definitely sure the bar was totally not my scene so i told lil we had to leave. He walked me to my car and as i was just about to start my car lil said..

Lil: wanna go back to mine?

Ssx: what are we going to do there?

Lil: i don't know. Chill.

Ssx: neahhh...its okay. I'm gonna call it a night. You, have fun.

At home, while i was sorting out my wardrobe...i looked at my cell and there it was exchange sides of power and hope. Lil was sending msgs asking me to go over to his place. He called when i didn't reply

Lil: what are you doing?

Ssx: nothing. What are you doing?

Lil: rolling up. Heh...you could come here and chill you know. Your call

Ssx: i just took off my clothes and don't feel like putting them back on

Lil: oh! Ouh...well. I wouldn't wanna trouble you. Talk soon?

Ssx: of course

Before i went to sleep, i had a thought...if he was real, and i think what i felt was real. No cocktails, no club nights, no booty calls...will this work? Out in the broad daylight, will we make this work?

Ssx

A celebration and another goodbye

20^th of November was Sweater's 24^th birthday. She had been telling us and reminding us to not to forget to buy her presents. I have been thinking of throwing a party at my place since i moved out here a year plus ago. But somehow, i just didnt have the time until now that i'm moving out of the place, i thought this is the best time to have a celebration for Sweater, myself, the apartment and the group of people i call family here.

I have been planning the whole thing alone, myself since it was supposed to be a surprise thingy. I figured if i had too many people involved at helping, one mouth might just leak the infos. Sweater who turned to an age i regret turning into, has never been the party type. Many times i've invited her to the home club or upperside for some chilling and she always managed to make an escape.

So a week prior to the party, i called up the chef, who was the DJ of my group. He agreed to cook some fried chicken and some singaporean noodles for the party. With the little budget i have, i managed to get most of the main stuff, like a present for sweater..the alcohol and some decorations.

The invitations were sent out on friday so the invitees could rsvp through the weekend. Since the plan was to surprise her, i had the whole thing happened on the day before her birthday which was on the 19^th.

After work, when everyone left and i was left alone with her..as usual, we started talking like nothing was supposed to happen. I had everything under my belt. I told her the day before that i needed her to help me pack my stuff at my place. And convinced her to actually sleep over my place that night too. We talked about how we were going to celebrate her birthday the next day..

Ssx: babe, as usual, we will buy a cake and pretend to be having a meeting in the pantry and you act all surprised when we take out the cake. So to skip all the drama, i'll just ask you straight up...what cake do you want and when?

Sweater: haha. Nice one ssx. Such a nice friend you are....well, anything. And as for the present...i want a perfume. Christian DOOR

Ssx: Even doors have religions now? Where have i been?

Sweater: -___- i hate you

There it was, the most comfortable conversation at the scariest time of all. I was at the verge of asking her to grab her bag and head back to my place when...

Msg tone..

Curly: Fuck! The people arent here yet! Get her to walk around the block or something. Seriously.

Curly was already at my place giving some final touch on the party and the handling the people coming. But she doesnt do well while entering panic. At that point of time, i could imagine how she'd be running around with her big boobs sweating here and there.

At last, i brought back sweater. With the boxes i made her carry from the office, we rode the elevator and just as it it hit 7^th floor, i was nervous. I could barely breath. Before this, i was thinking even if the plan turned out bad, i would still be happy to have all of them together to party and chill at my place. There are those who have never seen my place at all. Those who stayed so near but never made an effort or time to chill with me.

As i opened the door,

Sweater: Damn! It's too dark in here

Ssx: turn on the lights, babe

At the corner, i could see a bunch of people sitting and waiting in the dark to scream “suprise”, sweater turned to me and shook her head. Her face turned blue.

Ssx: babe, turn on the lights...ourghhh let me..

Click!

SURRPPRIIISEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Sweater: (screams like a bitch)...my goodness guys!! i thought there was a ghost (pointing to our friend - a lady-boy with long black hair and pale face sitting at the corner). So i just turned around cuz i know ssx is more of a chicken than i am! Fuck! Fuck!

It was so funny. She nearly threw the box at the 'ghost'. Then she blew the candles on her cake and thanked everyone.

When the clock striked 8, the infamous DJ Aiden started spinning some tunes and people started drinking. Guitarist was there, Sean and a friend came by, Shopper brought her gang of stylish people with her, and i thought to myself..that was just what i needed. Some bluriness and all of my loved ones around me to celebrate the fact that i'm moving on with my life. At about 3, everyone left except for the birthday girl, curly and guitarist who was already too drunk to go back to the city.

The next morning i woke up with eyebags and a smile...

Though no one knows that i'm leaving this place, this job...and i left them in the dark, they celebrated the fact that life, with or without a job, loved or not loved..has to go on.

And that's all that matters.

This is dedicated to Sweater who was there in my ugly days, who supported all my stupid dreams. Who knew who i am and never ever for once judged me. You have a bright future ahead of you so go catch it, live it and one day...we might just meet in the middle..maybe for a soft launch party for some online brand ;) ♥

Look out! They're everywhere!

Often said that one gal's freak is another gal's boyfriend. When living in a city full of weird people, you can never say you've never been with a freak before. It's not like we become a freak for being with freaks. For men, when they get close to someone and turns out, the girl's a freak (freaks – as in weird. Not freak – as in freaky in bed, cuz that's always good for men).. they won't say it. It's a known fact that they will secretly keep it to themselves or his friends will call him a freak for sleeping with a freak.

Yes, we've heard of those who fuck-and-tell. But they're just boasting. It's another form of telling their friends that they've been with that certain girl.

What he said:

Asshole who gets to fuck: “last night i went back with X and the sex was bad! Fuck man...at one point, i nearly fell asleep. Dont try her. It's a shame since she's so hot”

What he meant:

Man..i scored! You guys didn't get to fuck her, and i'm the first! Surely boosts my ego. So please dont try her, cuz i still wanna have secret sex with her. I'm insecure with my size so i don't want her to be sleeping with you guys and compare.

..

Men don't discuss weird things they experience in bed with someone. All they wanna talk about is how he great their sex lives are.

But women talk.

They would give in to the details on how a guy could be smelling bad, or if the spunk taste funky even if it curves to the side.

Usually they would would meet for coffees and cigarettes. They'd start the conversation with..

Gal 1: sooo....have you and X....you know? (though desperately wanting to know the freaky details, they tend to think saying the word 'fuck' is rude)

Gal 2: yerp yerp (with frustration in her face)

Other gals: owh hunny...what's wrong? TELL US ALLLLLL ABOUT IT.

Women don't want to hear the juicy details to keep them busy alone at night. They just want to know whether they have been with someone freakier. Whether their freaks are really freaks or are they actually normal to others?

How freaky is freaky?

Some say that freaks only roam around places we could never be seen at. Like the library, dark alleys or even at restaurants with their laptops pretending to be writing but was actually reading about serial killers in wikipedia.

I say that freaks are everywhere. I once dated a tall athletic guy who used to be so hot everyone at school drooled over his hot physic. He was the Drum Major in the marching band of an all boys school. Very good looking, such a gentleman. But after getting to know each other, he wanted to take things into the bedroom.

We started off with a kiss. Then he tried to swallow my whole head. Then i tried to push him away. Then he pulled down his pants. And then....there it was, the weirdest most freakiest thing I've ever seen. The shape was one thing. But the size? And it was limpy. Ekkhhh....he looked as though he was already hard so i pulled my head out of his mouth and screamed..

“I can't! I can't! I think you better go”

Though I'm not the type to lie, but in this case...i reached for a white one..

“...it's not you, I'm just not ready for sex”

A year later, i heard that he had a drinking problem and was seen puking here and there in the city.

There was another guy, he was so fucking hot. A DJ who had it all and reminds me so much of Thom Yorke. We had been seeing each other for a few weeks and wanted to see how it was like to sleep with each other. At first, everything was normal. But as things get faster, he bit me! Not the 90's love bite, it was a tee-nee pinch which hurt so bad, i had to the the scream again..

“Ouch! What are you doing?”

He stopped and looked at me as though it was so weird to not like what he was doing..

“you don't like it?!?”

It was so weird that i stopped taking his calls after that.

Next was a guy i met years before i dated him. The sex was great, he was hot but he was a psycho. We were living together and he wasn't working. I was a student and had to do 3 odd jobs to keep us both alive. When he landed on his first real job, i had to send him to work and pick him up later after school. The guy didn't have a car but he parties hard. So at night time, he would ask me to send him to the club and later pick him up around 4 ish in the morning. And between that, I'm not supposed to go anywhere so had to drive all the way out of town to where we were staying. He will ask me to call his cell from a specific pay phone below our condo to make sure i was really home.

After not more than a year of enduring the psychopath, i left the house and him. 7 months after the break up and i was already dating Businessman, the psychopath saw me at the opening of home club. I was standing by the bar when he came over and screamed...

“you fucking whore! No wonder you gave me STD. You're a dirty cow, you hear me?!?”

I was shocked and everyone else was too. As the whole upper level of the home club started to look at me, i walked behind psychopath who was already walking away from the bar. The actual plan was, i wanted to tap his shoulder and gave him a bitch-slap.

But because of the packed club and the fact that my favourite heels were pinching my toes, i accidentally knocked his head instead. He turned around and started punching me and kicking me. I feel onto the floor and the only thing i could see was his feet coming towards my stomach. I got my fabulous ass kicked by a psychopath!

And the freakiest thing was....nobody stopped him! The girls looked at me as though i was cockroach which had to be stepped ob. The guys were just looking with annoyance.

In my heart, i screamed..

“Hello?!?! are u guys blind. Fuck! I'm going to die”

at last, he kicked me down the stairs. I couldn't feel anything anymore. Just as i rolled down the concrete stairs of the home club...the resident Dj and a few bouncers came to get psychopath away from me.

After a few years of not seeing or hearing from psychopath, he found out where i was working and called the office. He asked for his money back. Yes, he actually asked for his money. I thought i was supposed to do so. He said accumulatively, i owe him $4000.

...

Just as we thought that the mental asylum could accommodate all the freaks, there are still millions more at large. This is not to scare everyone here. As i said before..

My freaks might be your prince...

ssx