The wedding day

Lately I've been thinking about marriage. An eternal life of imprisonment. I was intrigued by the fact that married people have more fun than those who only engage in periodical unserious relationships. These few days of not having anything to do have made me strangely calm and even more imaginative than usual.

At one glance, seeing those who have been married for years and while walking around with their baby in the stroller looking all happy, somehow will make any cynical mind to envious relief.

Behind closed doors, none of us will feel how they feel being married and of course they will never know how we feel coming back to an empty studio apartment listening to the vacant sound of the contemporary style we managed to pull without having to worry about child safety and what not.

Yes, life is fabulous when you're alone sitting in a fashionable restaurant sipping on your petrol-like wine. And as people look through the tinted glass, they will wonder how on earth could we afford such extravagant lifestyle. Of course we can. We earn an X amount of money and all we do is pay the bills and save some for some emergency cases like when your tires go flat and stuff, and the rest...you invest on some leather goods which you choose to believe is a good investment in the years to come.

On men in my life, having none in possession but plenty to look after, i cant imagine with one of them all to myself the whole entire day together. I could barely keep a straight face and pretend how i was still enjoying the conversation after just 4 hours of being with a guy.

I get bored easily so to be around me, you either have to be extremely hot or you'd have to be really interesting. If not, I'd rather have a long stare at those hot pink Stella McCartney pumps i wish were mine.

Back to marriage, i imagine my husband to be hot of course. With a very cool look, meaning not trying too hard fashionably. He has to have a promising career which has to be realistically ambitious. When i say career, i don't mean those office jobs where you sit in a room and result to heart attack after being in there for 20 years. Some interesting ones like...an underwater cameraman for discovery channel..or maybe a large scale fisherman..a master diver! Hmmmm...a music producer or a drummer. If only we could go into a hubby market and go by departments and pick them out from their designated aisles.

I would categorize mine as Hot-musically inclined-talented-appreciative-nature lover. “Aisle #44632, miss. And good luck to you! Hubbies are refundable if you must know.”

Do i really care of how my husband is going to be or just how he would look walking around with me covering our eyes with huge Loewe™ aviators running away from paparazzi?

As i realize how much strong of a character i am, I'd need a stronger man in my life who can say things that will make me go “whoa..”. Someone who can guide me to be a better person. He has to be everything that I'm not.

I'm bad at time keeping and have been in big big troubles before, so i need someone to yank me out of my dreams and get real.

....

Back to my husband, we would spend our weekends lying on the hammock reading books. He would enjoy the koi pond we have in our garden. On holidays, we would go east to where the dolphins and the whales are and go dive with them.

At times when he's too busy recording some bands, he would sleep in the studio and i will always come down to keep him company. His parents are so cool that they would always come by to hang out with us and i, a person who is sooo bad with people parents, would be so cool with it.

He must be more religious than i am. He has to be a good leader of the family, thus a good father of my future children. I want my husband who might work in the creative industry to still be grounded, rooted.

My children, Mylo and Allegra (hahaha. I know you're rolling your eyes, curly) will be loved and they will get the love of a father I never had. They will be so close to their pops that I'd be jealous sometimes.

....

The wedding. I mean THE wedding. Will be a simple one by the beach. Only 100 – 200 guests wearing all sorts of colorful dresses and retro suits. Dancing around to the beats of my wedding song, Ceremony by New Order.

Or...

It could be in an old castle! With guests wearing black and i, the only one wearing Vivienne Westwood's white gown with a gradient of rose red. Good food, good music. Industrial setting. Booka Shade, Aril Brikha with a hint of Mr Decay. With many many musician friends to flood the marble floors of the castle with trailing great coutures.

Ahhhhh. In my dreams.

Today i might be thinking of weddings and what to name my 3^rd child with Lil or even how i''d cope with sleeper's European lifestyle. Tomorrow, next week i could be stressing over the fact that i just want to be alone.

But there's no harm in imagining, yes?

ssx

Life as dauphine

Marie,

You were young and beautiful. Given the biggest responsibility any young woman could ever be held for. Sacrificing a whole lot of motherland fashion, family and friends..you abide by the very strict rules of the unfamiliar. Disguising your yearnings with extravagant lifestyle you chose, you were not happy with the man you were destined to be with. You refused to give in and walk away from what you've been blessed or was it cursed..? and after all you've done, sacrificed..you were killed by those you sacrified your whole life for. How unfair.

It's different between you and i, in this matter. I was hoping that my mother would say "Farewell, my dearest. Do so much good to the French people that they can say that I have sent them an angel." I would be more than glad to be taken far far away especially when that place is France. Why were you unhappy, marie?

Being the most beautiful woman in the country, you earned a certain respect. A respect that i, as a person as cynical as i am, think - only bestowed upon those who deserve it least.

You were expected to do so much in so little time. The man you thought you love couldnt satisfy your needs. He could not please you for it was not just for plain satisfaction. It was a promise to your new land. You both did not communicate unless it was in public where both of you were supposed to be role-models of the century.

I dont blame you, marie. I really do know how you feel. Really. Those time and fun you had with your secret lover cured the little time you were hurt with such plenty more to be mended. Your heart was the most loyal of hearts that have ever been stabbed. You stayed with the one you vowed to be with forever.

This whole life of yours is quite similar to mine. Except that my life was still going on even after those who i sacrificed for.......killed me.

Love,

ssx

Sour Times™

After locking myself in this concrete walls of what i call the peaceful side of the world for a year, i miss my city life. Not entirely disconnected from the civilization, i have come to a point where life being alone is just not me anymore. I am comfortable with being with myself, dont get me wrong. But as you grow older you can't help but to realize that this world we live in doesnt only evolve around us.

A guy i met last night after a short hour in the studio, while waiting for my local burger to be made by an obviously non-local lad, said some wise words to me. He chatted me up for abit and i got interested in what he had to chat about.

His name was Francis, an African dude who looked decent form my view. I decided to lend an ear after seeing how he somehow knows what's going through my mind.

A man who is man who has no friend. Is a fool. And that man lives in a mortuary. He said.

What does that mean? A man who works tilll he dies? A foolish man who works as a morgue keeper?

One thing went through my mind immediately. That man is dead. Because he has no friends.

Going back to the days when i was in school. I was always one of the very few who didnt like to socialize. Coming from a school where all the people in the city would consider as the Elite school, i was very much different from everyone else. Even to curly. Curly was a weird one, still is, but many would still want to be her friends. While me...i was a loner.

In college, guys who didnt have the priviledge of being close to me would either say i've slept with them or i'm a stuck-up whore (<--there's no such thing as this, seriously). Girls would say i think i'm too good to be friends with them. One question i had for them that until now they couldnt answer...have they ever been a friend or at least try to get to know me?

Right now, i'm working in an organization where europeans rule and asians slave. It's a known fact that they somehow feel that they have the power, the upperhand to treat people like shit.

Let's not go into detail on that.

After months of thinking it though, i've made my choice(s).

1. Move, bitch!

i need to move back to the city. Maybe not right smack in the awful suffocating heart of the city, but closer. Close enough to smell the desperation of people chasing their way to wealth and fame. But not close enough to hear them screech their expensive tires on the wide wide one way streets.

2. Back to School

i'm going to join 17 year olds back to school. I will get into this once everything's sorted. I dont want to jinx it.

3. Join the group permanently

i'm the official female singer of the group. So i'd have to get ready for the whole make-up drama which is about to happen soon. Very soon. Next week is already the photoshoot for the next album cover. Panic! Panic!

4. Stay in the water

stay in the water, below the global radar of the so-called 'real people of the city'.

.....

I havent finalized my ways of completing the missions, but i wish i could get everything sorted before the end of this year. Fingers crossed.

ssx

Sick For Toys

Midnight striked as i held to my new cell with no msg tones. It's official...those who knew, totally forgot about it. Those who didnt, still didnt know about it. This obsession is definitely a very unhealthy thing for me. And over all the things i could possibly be neurotically obsessed about...i was still obsessed about my birthday. Just as i thought i could be cool about it...i wasnt.

I knew Lil didnt know about that day so i called upon the reigning queen of hearts from the kingdom of boobies, curly. The highness herself has a newly found object of obsession, a minor. No wait! A sexy minor. He was a guy curly met and corversate briefly in an event of another upperside gig nite. She told him he was hot and he smiled as though he knew he was THAT hot that made curly feel hotter that she just walked away not knowing what else to say.

She has been in denial saying things like, she would be soooo over his hotness once he made a move. I doubt it. At the rate she's going now...even sweater was lost with her words when listening to curly talking about this guy we would call coke. As addictive as it, as fine and as hard to get as possible.

He's her designer drug. Period. After a few more intentional-accidental-bumping into each other, they were practically dating already since the people they both knew, knew each other. One day me and the girls were having a very unfashionable lunch, coke called curly...she looked nervous and spitted out some wrong wrong things but somehow, with charm and wit...that will certainly leave coke weak in the knees.

I thought to myself, what if all the men whom i thought i wanted, will only call me out of surprise and make me smile foolishly like how curly is doing. Wouldnt it be fabulous? I realized i'm always stucked to the ones who reserve themselves too much. Phonecalls are like buying an island. Phone msgs are like shooting off to the moon and stick a banner that says...”i'm thinking about you”. Seeing each other is like accidentally running into a beautiful unicorn with glass eyes. And proper dates? Are like...impossible.

Its a good thing how coke swooped in curly's life at the verge of breaking up with his girlfriend. Classic. And i told curly to play it good since this is time when he needs sex the most! You know, play classic with the classic player.

As surprises comes and in the lives of my dear loved ones, i had one for myself. I had a recording scheduled the day after my birthday. Since i had to celebrate my 24^th on the curb, at the corner of my least favourite coffee joint and the fact that all of my friends were somehow busy, i was not in a very good mood. Rossa totally forgot about my birthday...surprisingly.

The next day. Rossa called asking whether he could send me back from the studio i was scheduled for - later that night. I said, yea...maybe.

While i was struggling to stay awake in the freezing studio...i heard the boys from the group calling me to come to the front foyer for a quick meeting. So i went to the front. And when i got there, there were many faces of those whom i barely know and they were singing the birthday song. There was a cake too! With candles lit on it and words written across it which says “happy 24^th birthday ssx. From rossa”.

It may not be better than having it on my real birthday itself...but i was touched. Cuz i've never been so surprised, and this time i didnt have to pretend i was actually surprised. I knew i was going to cry. But i kept macho-ed up for the crowd. But then again, i thought....fuck 'em cuz in the words of Lesley Gore, “it's my party and i'll fucken cry if i want to”..

ssx

Birthday™

Today i turned to another number, year, age. A number when i was a kid, would have imagined to be having kids by now. I'm proud of myself for all the things i've achieved at this mere age. There are so many to be corrected, mended but i'm still standing, still going strong.

I left my mom's right before midnight. I knew i would shed tears as this year is different than the previous ones. I avoided of being celebrated, i avoided the part where you'd have to announce your age and everybody will start to measure the ups and downs of me in that particular age. Like for this year, i'd have to be married.

I spent most of my birthdays lying on my mother's lap and she would tell me the same story over and over again. The story of her in labor. It was a very exciting story that i've almost memorized the story word by word and still enjoy it every time.

According to her, it was hell giving birth to me. She was alone the entire time throughout the whole process. My father, who left her right before that was not to be seen anywhere, so she went to the government hospital by herself – in labor. I never know the pain of being in labor but as i've heard, nothing is more painful than it.

The labor process took forever. More than 12 hours she was in pain and at last, the doctor announced that the baby (me) was already upside down and if my mother pushes me out, she'd die.

They had to do an operation. My mother said when i was born, i looked like a little monkey. Red and hairy...all over. She said she was glad the baby was a girl, so now at this age, she has a girlfriend who will always love and be loved unconditionally.

God knows how much i love her as she is the only one i got. I called her on my way back to my place. I pulled over, called her at strike midnight..

ma, its 12.00am..its my birthday. Just wanna say thank you for being my mother in all these years. Sorry for i've caused you heartaches, i've lied, i've been rude to you, slammed the door before you, screamed at you, didnt spend enough time with you and everything else i did...i'm sorry. I'm glad we have each other. I'm not good with words with you, please do know that i will change, i will be better someday, you'll see. And of course, this only daughter of yours loves and will love you till the end of time..

My other set of parents are coming back from the Holy land today. And THAT is the best thing a girl could ever get for her birthday...her family all together at one table, having a good meal.

This birthday for me means a lot as i finally know the meaning of being a year older. The sense of responsibility, the art of handling things as an adult. It's nice knowing that i've survived my previous year and am quite ready for this new one.

For those who never gave up on me, keep loving me for who i am and those who wish me only the best things in this world...thank you.

Those who sent me text msgs...thank you so much.

Sweater, the underwater camera you gave to me was one of them best in this whole wide world. I'll get it fixed soon, i promise :)

Aiden, you gave me what i've always wanted since i was a child! A Polaroid camera!! Thank you so much hun.

Shopper, the Lampe Berger was the most expensive and i appreciate it so much, you wont believe it!

Thanks for believing in me and this person called The Singing Supermodel right here is a new person. A person who aged gracefully, without a single fine line to ruin such work of art. And when being asked of how old she is, she answers... “i'm at my fabulous 24” ;)

ssx

Oceania part deux

As i felt like the heat was getting into my skin and the humidity kept waking me up from sleep, i felt Lil's shoulder next to my face...and a blanket over my skin. I couldnt remember much of how i passed out, but i was sure there wasnt much cloth covering myself. My mouth tasted like dump and surely smells like it too...so as a normal girl who is still very conscious about her appearance, smell – u know, the nerve-wrecking beginning part of a new thing, went to the toilet to wash off the vodka smell out of my mouth. I crawled back under the sheet and accidentally woke Lil. He was tossing and turning complaining about the whether as how Englishmen would always start off a conversation with. That english side is only taking 50% of him, so i was safe.

Suddenly, while Lil was trying to go back to sleep, i got a text msg from aiden, “hey! I'm already at the jetty! Watchout islanders!”. The network coverage on the island esp on Lil's side was shitty. So when i checked the time sent, it was at 10 am and at that point, it was already 11+. i panicked. With my head still heavy, with the hot hot whether... there's no way i could walk back to my room. I tried to send him a msg telling him just go to my guitarist's room and get the spare keys from them because i couldnt remember my own room number. But i guess it was too late. By the time he received the msg he probably had already waited cluelessly on the beach for an hour. I felt so bad.

(11ish am) Ssx: “hey, i'm on the other side of the island with some of my friends, get the key from my guitarist. He's in room number 5”, so i thought i heard them saying that the night before at the bar.

After about an hour later, aiden replied: “it's okay, you take your time. I got into the room already”

I tried to sober myself up and so was Lil. He opened the door to ease the heat. I was looking for my keys and cigarettes when Lil said...

Lil: are you looking for your license?

Ssx: how do you know i brought my license?

Lil: your license, your room key, your marlboro reds. And oh yea...your 4 dollars :) you told me alotta stuff last nite. Hehe.

Ssx: i did? (shit! Shit! SHIT!)

Lil: yea i guess i dont have to go to the cinema to check out the movie since i already know the whole storyline. (grins)

Fuck. I told him about my possible acting job i was offered recently. That's it supermodel! Youre done.

I excused myself from getting more embarassed. He walked me halfway and i walk myself back through the jungle to my room.

When i got back, i saw aiden sleeping on my bed. I thought to myself, why am i doing this to him? Why do i become this sneaky lil whore who goes around having fun while this good guy right here was there all along. Yes, we broke up...but the things he would do to claim himself were tremendous. I was the one who invited him on this trip as a token of appreciation. He has showed me the world and not even once asked for anything in return.

And no, i didnt invite both aiden and lil to the island so i could do the oompa loompa with 2 guys. I invited lil at first..cuz he's more the island type. But he said he'd be busy...so i asked aiden if he would like to see the other side of the world, the more natural side which he was born not to have the energy to appreciate. He agreed.

I looked around the room looking for the unnecessary stuff he could possibly carry with him to the island. Maybe his macbook, burberry duffle, maybe even a pair of his Nike leopard print court force low. He is capable of being such a brat he is. I warned him about how we usually travel light to places where electricity isnt on 24 hours and tap water is salty.

And he listened. For the first time, he listened to what i say. This is how it is. When you are in a relationship, you pick on the negativity instead of appreciating the positive. You talk and he wont listen. You get frustrated and eventually you both stop talking. You keep it to yourself so long till it blows and by then it'd be too late. But when you break up, you realize the things you're missing out on and how listening to each other helps.

In aiden's case, it went on for 2 yrs plus. But somehow, when i only found a small backpack lying on the floor, i knew he finally wants to try my way.

I tried to wake him up. He opened his eyes and stared at me as if he knew where i was earlier, what i was doing, and with whom. Then he said he needed a couple of hours to rest. He was from a huge outdoor event in the city. One of his first breaks as a DJ. After he was done with the after party, he straight flew out to join me. I could see from his face, he partied too much with too much chemicals the night before so i bought him something to eat and off i went back to the happening beach.

I wore my striped bikini and Sleeper's baseball tee over it. I went to Joe's shop to get curly's bikini. Another excuse to talk to him. I was curious of how he takes my behavior the night at the bar.

As i was paying for the bikini, he asked, “you remember what we talked about last night?”

i smiled and just walked off. I enjoyed the attention, i enjoyed the feeling that more than 2 guys are willing to be with me, but as i was walking, i couldnt help but wonder...are they going to be there when i'm down and scared to my death?

I went back to the room to aiden's warm comfort.

Days went by and we were having the time of our lives. Aiden was being such a good sport. We were both checking out hot people at the beach. We sang, fought a little, made up and was flying high on life.

One day, i wanted aiden to see what i see at the happening beach. So we went down there and soaked ourselves in the beautiful coral-less clear waters of the island. We took off our kits and went skinny dipping...in the daylight! It was fun and wild. Him being a good friend didnt take any advantage from the whole situation.

I knew Lil would be on the beach somewhere. To sort his mission out of getting his roommate out of the lock-up. At about 6.30 pm, we head back to the open area which leads to the tropical jungle which we had to go through to go back to our side of the island. Just as we were walking, i saw a bunch of people by the beach..sitting on the sand.

And Lil was one of them. I stopped and said hi. Model, his brother was there and he was with his new girlfriend. I walked off knowing it'd be awkward with aiden behind me and he knew none of those people.

As we were just entering the tropics, my guitarist and his girlfriend came out of it and invited us to join them for dinner. So we did. We wanted to go back before dark so we could actually see where we were going...but what the hell.

As we were having dinner, model came to our table to join us. He introduced us to his girlfriend. She was nice, and pretty too. Thought lil would come join us too, but he just passed us by with a weird look and said ,”gonna get a shower, guys”.

It was weird, plain weird.

The final night we were on the island, some locals who heard me singing in front my room while being so high that i couldnt remember i ever did that, invited us to play acoustic at lil's resort. And while getting ready, i borrowed my drummer's cellphone to check my msgs. Ouh, by the way, i dropped my whole bag in the water when we went diving and clever me brought my good ol phone, aiden's phone, a digital camera and an underwater camera with us onto the boat..so everything sogged. It went downhill from there.

A text msg came in and to my surprise, it was lil. He said, “party at mine. Tonight”. Hell yeah i will!

We got there and a DJ was already spinning, so there goes the chance of singing acoustic out of the window. Lil was sitting on the bar, yes...ON the bar alone. He looked sad as he always does. I went up to him and we talked for abit. He didnt look so happy so i left. Because i'm never the type who be all “awww..you dont look so well” or “is there anything i could do to make it better?”. Na-ah.

Aiden and i stepped out when a fight was starting to scare us a lil bit. So we walked to palm tree in the heavy rain. Joe was there. He looked at me and just smiled. As though he was inviting me over to talk to him. Aiden was enjoying the rain and was talking to lil's band mate.

Ssx: hey, tonite's my last night here. So maybe during this coming monsoon..if you decide to come down to the city...we could chill or something.

Joe: oh yeah? What happened the other nite? You left early. How did you go back?

Ssx: ouuhhh...ermm lil sent me back cuz he's been very protective. We've know each other for years...

Joe: i heard you slept with him

Ssx: excuse me?!?!

Joe: yea...you heard me. Someone told me you had sex with lil

My face was numb, i could feel a truck running me over with the speed of a train. My mind was exploding and in my heart...i just wanted to get out.

Joe: are you playing games with me? You went back with lil, your ex is here with you and youre trying to flirt with me?

Ssx: you know what, i'll make it easier for you. I'm leaving.

He grabbed my arms and screamed...

Joe: Lil! Lil was the one who told me and you know what? He said the sex was boring!

Wait. NOW my head really explodes. My tears were flooding and i could feel like the world spinning around me slowly as i tried to make my way through the crowd. I could see lil from the corner of my eye. I dare not look at him as i could feel my anger and fear building up to form the violent supermodel i used be.

I left palm tree wishing i had never known that place, the people. It was a typical dramatic scene in a soppy movie. A broken hearted girl walking or practically running in the rain.

I got into the room and took so much chemicals and tried so so hard to forget about everything that happened. What made me so sad was not the fact that Joe got to know anything that happened, it was about lil. Why did he tell someone who's a no one and God knows how many other people on the island has known about it.

I cried and i cried. Aiden who didnt know anything, comforted me and told me that everything will be okay. But little did he know...nothing will ever be okay from then on.

On our back to the city, we met lil's brother at the airport. I couldnt look at him in the face thinking he could be one of those who knew about what happened. He acted normal but i didnt. The first thing that came to my mind was...everybody knew what happened and it was boring.

When i got back at my mom's place from the airport, i rushed to the phone with my backpack still on my back. I called Lil. I feel that i deserve a damn good explanation from him.

Ssx: hey lil

Lil: hey whats up? Youre home?

Ssx: yea. Hey lil, did you tell anyone what happened the other nite?

Lil: why would i? It'd be very immature of me to do so. What happened?

Ssx: someone told me you've been telling people and what we did was boring. And i can't tell you who.

Lil: If i think youre boring, we wouldnt be talking now. I wouldnt be picking up your phonecalls, we wouldnt be doing it over and over again. I'm a blunt guy. I say it when i feel it, straight up. No hassle. Do you wanna believe a stranger?

Ssx: i'm not saying i believed him. Thats why i'm calling to ask you first. I'm a big girl lil, you can say it to me. If you have anything to say, just say it. No wonder you were acting all weird the whole time.

Lil: i was acting weird because your ex was there and i hate the whole complication. i didnt say those things alright. Please trust me.

Ssx: so i trust you?

We continued talking and for the first time we actually talked...in a state of utter soberness. People might say he's lying and that anyone wouldve denied it. But i just wanted to judge it by myself. And i personally think he was telling the truth.

Minutes went by when i realized i should get myself sorted. So as we hung up, i started my mission. Then i received a msg from him.

“Anyways, I think that was quite low of JOE to say something like that. I did not say those things but i do remember joe saying he had a chance with you so he was curious where we went”.

He knew it was Joe. Stupid Joe! Men are getting smarter i can see. They used to have birds flying in their brains but now, they keep it busy with thinking of how to get a woman in bed with them even if it calls for a low low act of telling on their friends and even worst, telling on something which wasnt even true.

The trip wasnt a perfect one, yes. I lost 2 phones, 2 cameras, a striped top which fell in the middle of the sea and a summer fling. A whole lotta gift for the nature. Nature might need a little techno to spice things up, u know. And the classic Dolce lime top was my fashionable gift to the nature. A turtle might find it fancy and parade it around the beach or something.

I did good. i guess. And remember how i wish i hadnt known that island. I take that back. I will surely make a come back and when i do, i'd be more fabulous than ever...

Ssx

Oceania

A break was what i need and a break i had literally. I know i haven't had the chance to pour out what happened, though i have been impatiently drafting the words in my short-term memory internal hard disc. Words can never describe how the whole journey totally changed my perceptions and possibly my whole life. I'll try my best to fill you in.

I was practically shaking when the clock hits 5.30. I was ready for the island. I could almost taste the saltiness of the waters, i could almost feel the breeze. There was only one thing on my mind...summer fling. And by summer fling, i meant Joe.

Joe was the guy i drooled over for months after the first trip to the island. He was a local who teaches the art of painting sarongs for a living. When i was there the first time, we didnt talk at all regardless the fact that he chilled in front of my hut nearly every morning with the locals who own the resort. He has this look that made me go crazy. And since i was a single girl from the city, the beach boys usually throw themselves at those like me. But Joe? He kept silenced and only smile whenever my sights were too obvious to be noticed and were directed at his hot hot physic.

....

So i took a train to the bus station, something i've never done before. Two boys from the band plus their girlfriends, were supposed to meet me at the bus station at 8. As they said the bus was to leave at 8.30 sharp. So i rushed. The traffic was massive because of the coming public holiday for the Independence of the country that made all the city population want to to go back to their hometowns. Or if not, just out of the city to save their already stressed out minds from stressing some more of the circus celebrations happening everywhere.

When i got there, with my heavy backpack, pocket full of crisp cash notes, i walked from the train station to the bus station nervously. The boys weren't there as expected. When called, i got to know that the bus we're taking was going to leave the city at 10! I was so pissed, i thought this vacation isn't going to be as expected, i predicted. And as for the boys, they are a bunch of airheads who would do all these things, sadly.

We didnt get onto the bus we were promised, we had to crash some other illegal busses for some reasons, i dont feel like talking about. The bus ride was supposed to take us only 8 hours, but in our case it went on for nearly 10. i thought to myself, maybe the worse the journey, the better the vacation would be so i hung onto my newly purchased mp4 player and watched That 70's Show till i vanished into the 70's in that beautiful parallel universe of my own.

When we got there at the jetty, i met sweater who was with some other friends who were going to the big island. I was waiting for the very slow boat to come and fetch us to go to the small one.

The very old boat made one of the girlfriends sick and she was throwing up like no one's business by the side of the boat. I realized something by then, the couples have themselves' backs while i'm going to be alone for the next 5 days! Great! The luxury of being in a relationship: someone to hold back your hair when you vomit on the boat. Period.

...

The side of the island we were going to stay at was another one opposite the happening beach i stayed at the last i was there. I just wanted to try new spots. See if it fits. We were welcomed by the very hot men who takes care of the resort. Its not actually a resort. Its a spot where 10 huts were built closely to one other – with – no electricity in the day – and no power points in the room kinda place. Fits me well.

Lil, who was already there since a week prior to my arrival, called from the happening beach, where he was staying. He told me there was a raid the night before and his roommate got busted. He sounded upset and paranoid. Asking me to stay where i am and not to come out at night. I was like...huh?

After his long stay behind the neighboring bars for possession, he became more and more paranoid. I dont blame him. He is a good boy who got lost somewhere along the way.

The boys were already speeding things up by popping some pills to get ready for the beach. They wanted to talk to the fishes. Rrrrriiiigghhhttt.

My idea of being on the island is to be peaceful. No stress, fairly sober...means no hangovers and recoveries. We went over the hill to a very private spot, we call romantic beach. You could have sex in the middle of the beach and no one will be there to stare at your private parts with amazement or worse with a crooked brow. We chilled, smoked some weed and fell asleep in the hot sun.

When we woke up, i nearly fainted due to exhaustion and major dehydration. While struggling to hike back to our rooms, i couldn't help but to think of an excuse to go to the other side of the island to see Lil. I spoke to the boys about my problem. This thing i have for Lil, isnt just a plain admiration. It became a secret obsession and worst of all, it became a game. At least thats what i think is happening, on my end. I lost! In the previous episodes of being with him. I gave in. so this time, i'm going to set my game neat and play it flawlessly.

The moon rose as we planned a nightout. All of us hiked through the thick jungle to go the infamous Palm Tree, a bar..i mean THE only bar on the island. When we got to the other side, it was too early to be pretending to have fun at a bar. So we had dinner first. While having it, i tried to contact Lil. But he didnt answer. Hmmm...i couldnt help but to think he's avoiding me at some point. Though deep inside i knew he was very excited that i was going to be there.

We met the girlfriend of the owner of a resort there. Apparently the boys knew her. Her name was Sharon. A sweet young girl who fell in love with a beach boy and gave up her life in the city and worked there. Since we were supposed to play a gig there that night (but cancelled due to the damn raid the nite before), at the resort Lil was staying in, we asked her how we could we get a sweeter deal there next year. She mentioned how Lil was the one in charged of anything that had to do with entertainment on the island. And when asked where Lil was, she said, “maybe he's in his room taking a nap”.

Knowing Lil, i knew i wouldn't have the chance to see him that night. Why was i so obsessed about seeing him? I can always see him back in the city, some other time. But i've set it in mind that i'd have to have something interesting happening on the island. And plus, Aiden was going to join us on the island the next day. So that was the only night i could go all out.

So we brought our leftover dinners to palm tree which was right in front of Joe's shop. I made it a point to drink the cheap liquor sold there and drink as much as i could. Because i've never been a fan of pill popping on the island. So i bought a Russian vodka. One whole bottle which costs me like nothing. But it paid well i supposed.

Thats the good thing about the island. Everyone is practically naked, in their own skins...no make-ups, no pop-collared men and their car keys hanging out of their pockets, no pretending. Everyone was being themselves, which actually was more dangerous.

While sipping down the vodka, i realized that Joe was actually there, sipping down on his own version of intoxication dose. The light-headed me went straight to Sharon and asked her if she could introduce me to him. And she did.

A paper cup of almost neat vodka later, i found myself flirting with this gorgeous beach boy. I learnt that he was from the city too! But have been on the island for 8 years and is very happy of where he is now. He seemed like a very nice guy. He didnt touch me, not even once. He was smiling the whole time. I told him how i thought he was so damn hot that i told most of my girlfriends about him and how i was there on the island was partially because of him. And he just smiled. I like a guy who reserves himself, who doesnt take such opportunity of talking to an almost drunk girl as something that could lead to something else.

Moments later, my guitarist came up to me and asked “isn't that Lil?”. As i tried to stand up from the wobbly chair, i searched for the sight of my Lil. Yeap...that was him alright. With his berms, black tee, messed up hair...and he was barefooted. Very him. I walked across the dancefloor (yerp, there was a dancefloor in the bar)..towards him, i projected my voice, to be heard as i was so happy to see him, “is that you?”. He looked up and smiled :)

Lil: how are ya?

Ssx: great!

He started putting his hand on my thigh. Marking his territory as he knew i had a thing for Joe since i got back the last time.

Lil: You wanna sit at the other table?

Ssx: ermm..okay (blank face)

At the other table, i met some of his friends, and they were quite fond of me and i felt great. The band, being the couples-side of them had to leave early and they asked how i was going to go back since the walk back to our rooms might take more than 20 minutes, in the dark and all of us had no torch lights. I didnt know what to answer as i still wanted to chill there. Just as i turned around to the group of guys in front of me...i could see 5 guys with their hands raised voluntarily wanting to walk me back. Lil, who still had his hand on my thigh just looked at me with his serious face. So the band went back leaving me with 4 dollars, my drivers license and a pack of cigarettes, oh..and my empty bottle.

I could see Lil was very comfortable with me, and me being with his friends. I have this certain charm with people's friends, i could say. I'm usually adored by people and when being evaluated dicreetly, they'd say “she's a keeper”. I'm extra friendly and sweet and usually people will remember my presence. But all this will only happen when i'm drunk...i'm not kidding.

The way Lil looked at me that night made me feel special, important to him. Once in awhile he will stroke my head and tell me to not get too excited when i get all shrieky. Joe was still around, but at his table. Somehow i didnt care much about what Joe would say considering the fact that i just walked away from him to say hi to Lil.

Lil got a lil fidgety when guys crowd me, so he popped the question,

Lil: you wanna go back with me?

Ssx: (smiles)

Lil: (smile, grabbed my hand and whispers) come, let's get out of here.

We walked along the beach with my cup still in my hand, his arms around my neck and we were laughing at the sights of whatever that passes us by. The walk was quite long and by the time we got to his room, we were both out of breath. He got to his bong and started to recharge with a cone or two. I was babbling about this and that cuz in my mind, nothing's going to happen. We were having so much fun talking about just whatever we want.

There were two beds. He was at his and i was across him on his nabbed friend's. I excused myself and went to the toilet.

When i came out, he was lying down and we continued talking.

Lil: the light is blinding huh?

Ssx: yerp. Turn it off

When the lights are off, we could only feel each other. How the other senses are made to be celebrated. I could feel his face, his neck. We were in our own world. Far away from other people, from the city we both hate. I rest my case, of all the things i could give up after all my regrets while being that single gal who only wants to have fun, i dont think i'm ready to give this up.

And at one point, i whispered in his ear...

Ssx: Lil...

he answered...

Lil: hmm?

And then i knew, it got to me all at once, even in the dark...he still acknowledged the fact that i still cared to stick around.

-to be continued-

Ssx