One life ends and another plans a suicide

Few weeks and a lot has happened. I haven't been at my best state of mind so i refuse to think i would write nice things while being so depressed. Few drafts went missing in my pc and a few more couldnt find its way to the real posting window, i managed to pull myself together to write a sane one with no weird emotions to distract me.

I got back to the city after spending about 4 days down south with my extended family when i realized i havent been in touch with my so called enemy, 'The Tech'. Without it i could be happier but i could also be the only one on the planet who doesnt get in touch with anyone via it. It's hard when we know everyone and what theyre doing and it's just plain evil when you find yourself disliking somebody and started stalking them by googling up their surnames or telephone numbers. Urghh...i've been to the darker side of a supermodel and it aint pretty.

But one of the things i enjoyed being in the tangled world wide web is that somehow, the things you'd only know at the slightest hint of getting to know more about that person you adore at like what - 3^rd or even 4^th date? Nobody could wait that long to know somone's birthday or age or theyre too lazy to be going through the interviewing process of getting to know each other more, they registered everything, from A-Z in their own public diaries, Friendster. Sure there are a lot of other networking sites but friendster has been my favourite when it comes to giving updates.

Right before i said goodbye to the internet last few weeks, i received an update reminding me lil's birthday was just around the corner. I figured it could fall on one of those days while i was totally disconnected from the so called real world.

Yes it was. On the 18^th, when i finally got my hands on my pc i checked for the final update and his birthday falls on the 15^th of october. I missed it. Ahhh...so what. He didnt know when mine was and i have friendster too! Hence the updates and vise versa.

I was on my way home when i decided to give him a call. He had his cell turned off and so i thought maybe i could call him back later when i finish my studio time that nite. I went back to my old apartment feeling excited to see my giant catfish, Bon. Bon has been living as my soulmate in my room for nearly a year and i have literally seen him grow before my eyes.

He has been there no matter what. I always tell him of how i thought we were quite similar at living our lives. We were both living in a small box and somehow are trapped in our own doings.

But our lives began to look totally different from each others when i found him floating lifeless in the tank. He died. All the things i was going through and was acting flawlessly to look okay on the surface just went down the drain and brokedown and just cried. I was devastated by the fact that Bon wouldve suvived the suffocating life of being in the box if he could just wait for a little while longer. I was already planning to buy a much bigger tank once i move to the new place.

Guess it was too late.

I cleaned his tank, wrapped him neatly and drove to the studio. I was lucky to get through lil's line and he totally made things better.

I texted everyone who knew and loved Bon..

Friends and family,

My beloved catfish, Bon passed on earlier today..

ssx

....

Some replied with condolences and some just straight asked, “the catfish?”. Duh. Rossa replied with the most meaningful words i've ever heard from him. Mummy called and cried frantically with me. Not helping. And curly said something that made me still have faith in the most cynical minds in the world could still say the sweetest things.

As i talked to lil on the phone, he managed to make me laugh a lil, smile a lil and miss him a lot. I let my guard down and told him of how much i wanted to see him. He said he wanted to see me as well. But he's busy and i was too so it was hard..

....

After a series of what i called ranked second after the Big BU, i decided to party hard to sweat off the sadness. One of the most anticipated events of the year was about to happen the following weekend.

The initial plan was, i would drive down with curly and her sister in her car and meet up with aiden and the rest of our friends there. But about 3 dyas before we planned on shooting out there, curly decided it was too risky to go there considering the fact that i needed more than 4 days in a row to party and she didnt wanna be the one to wait for me to say, “okay, i'm exhausted. Let's go back to the city”.

She blew off the plan, so i had no choice but to go with aiden, whom i wasnt talking to. When riding shotgun in his car for 2 hours wasnt uncomfortable enough, he actually invited a dj friend and his dj grilfriend to ride with us.

Sleeper, being in the gang (and i never used that word) with the rest would be there since he would be the highlight of the event. I was partly excited, reminiscing what happened between us there, the same place, quite the same time of the year.

When we reached the 2 villas we booked, i was so glad to see Nat, a very familiar face from circa 2005 whom i used to think as the coolest girl in the party scene. She brought the latest accessory she found on the display of Ministry of Sound, singapore...the sound engineer, mike. They looked cute together and they are the sweetest.

Me and aiden had to share one bedroom which was right next to the DJ console.

We made our way to the event itself at around 7. it was massive, the stages were huge. The people were beautiful, the area was filled with sexually confused boys with different types of styles to show which stage of genre they belonged to.

And the very unpredicted...mud. The whole area was flooded with mud and looking down at my very new and cheap skinny jeans with my effortless jelly shoes, it was almost impossible to walk around ankle deep in the dirt.

But all of us had fun. Until...

Jack, another gay yet very special friend of mine spotted me among thousands of dancing zombies. We hugged, chatted and took lots of pictures. I turned to see where aiden was and then i saw him chatting up our friend's girlfriend. I couldnt help but to be curious about what they were talking about. Just so you know, aiden was never the type to flirt, i mean, not in front of me at least.

I walked up next to him. Just wanna see if he would turn around and introduce me to the bitch. But he pretended not to see me. Like i wasnt there to witness it myself. I walked back to jack who was already lost by then. I shook jack's shoulders trying to make sure he was watching all along but i guess he wasnt.

I walked around alone watching people having fun with the ones they love. I smiled and at that point of time, the drugs i planned on not taking gave me a big slap in the brains and i realized i was too high to walk. I sat with my jeans filthed by the mud on a platform where it was far enough from the f**cked up sights but close enough to spot some gorgeous male models dancing their way through the rocking sets.

While i was sitting down by myself, aiden sent me a text message..

Where are you? Sleeper is with us!!

Stretch my neck a little bit longer and there he was, with his black tee and jeans looking like he just stepped out of shower. Fresh and so him. This time, it was weird. I didnt feel the same excitement i felt everytime i saw him before. I recalled our conversation the day before the rave.

Sleeper: hey babe, come over. I feel like shit today. My event got cancelled for some trademark reasons.

Ssx: really. Oh poor baby. But baby i cant.

Sleeper: why?

Ssx: i just cant. I'm sorry. But i'll see you down south anyway, right?

Silence..

Ssx: right?

Sleeper: ....yeah. Yeah. But just get out of work and put on your illest and we have dinner. Right love?

In the phone conversation sleeper did ask another awkward question..

Sleeper: hey are you going out with chinaman?

Another name i wish not to hear again, at least these few months.

Ssx: why would you think that?

Sleeper: i saw you holding hands the other day

Ssx: friends hold hands. But still, does it matter?

Sleeper: I was curious. Anyone would be.

....

Suddenly i heard people cheering and as i looked up, there were fireworks. I was so used to having aiden next to me when stuff like that happened, i tend to still look for him this time around.

When i saw him, the bitch was already leaning on her back...on aiden's chest. Where i usually find comfort. Where i usually sleep on. His hands werent around her, but i heard her saying..

fucking bitch: hug me! Hug me! No one's here to hug me! Hug me aiden! Hug me! C'mon aiden

I stood where i knew he would see me and just looked. The sight sobered my confused head right that moment. As aiden raised his hands to reach the bitch's waist, i dared not look anymore. I turned around and to my surprise, my gay friends were looking with pity written on their foreheads. I smiled and took a few slow steps back telling them i knew what was going on and wanted to give him space for him and his new “firework-tramp-friend”.

Jack came up to me and just hugged me so tight i knew he knew what i was feeling. He just screamed in my ears...

HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR, you gorgeous supermodel!!!

Sure it wasnt the end of 2007, but in my head...i was glad. This is a new start in my life where i could just let lose and for the first time...not give a fuck of what's gonna happen. As my 'nu year' just started, i felt the adrenaline rush and i looked to my right, sleeper was trying to get me to look at him.

So i walked straight at him.

Ssx: hey

Sleeper: hey

Just that moment, i regretted saying NO to sleeper. As we talked, i knew people were looking and somehow i knew they thought i would do the same mistake i did last year...but for me, nothing could stop me. Not even that acned-tramp-firework-bitch!

While i was having fun, sleeper invited me over to the foambar where he was spinning for the finalé. Everyone walked over including aiden and that ATFB (not ATB, but acned-tramp-firework-bitch). They were all soaked in the brown foam pushing each other, having fun. Suddenly, a girl who was dancing behind me tapped my shoulder and as i looked back... she said “you look hot!”

ssx: thanks (i looked around, stared at the console where millions of girls trying to get sleeper's attention) but i'm not feeling so hot tonite. Chiow!

Though my nu year was just beginning, i thought i should just call it a night and walked down from the terrace. I played with my new purple hair. Gorgeous, i thought. But for those who couldnt appreciate that, i feel sorry for them.

....

As we arrived at the villa, i couldnt control my expression and asked aiden tomeet me in the room. We then talked about what was happening, what went wrong and where exactly do we stand. A tear and a cigarette later, we came to a conclusion. We could do anything we want and aiden should leave the villa before i become a monster and start a drama right then and there. (*under the dangerous influence of what we call the fucked up pills)

I walked out of the room feeling tired and i just wanted to lie down. Nat came and told me all the things a girl wanted to hear from her girlfriends. The ATFB was there and too bad. While being there uninvited, she got a face, a new name and a new rep.

We partied till the sun came up, came down and i was feeling a bit too fucked in the head. I went into my room hoping to get some space from the music, the people and the smoke.

When i walked into my room, i saw Dan lying on my bed. He looked up and tapped the empty space right next to him. I looked around the room and saw Andy, a geeky guy sleeping in aiden's bed. Which bed do i dive into now?

Dan is a guy i knew a few years ago. He's dark, handsome and sexy. Tattooed all over his body and he has that look where you just wanna rip off his shirt and lick his chest. He first talked to me when i was sitting on the stairs of the club, drunk and my legs were far apart from one another. Being a gentleman he is, he asked me to put my legs together because my panties were showing. Thats how we first met.

I dove into the open arms of Dan. I believe i did that not because he was almost too good looking, but because i was more afraid of the geeky guy in the next bed. Geeks are horny. Nuff said.

Dan slept gorgeously. I looked at him with full of admiration. I put my thigh on his, my arms on his chest then suddenly....

KROOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Andy started snoring. Dan woke up and laughed. Aiden, who was gone the whole day came in and joined us all and somehow what we talked about earlier just vanished into the air.

Aiden lie down next to andy and asked me to lie next to him. As much as i wanted to be alone and not be with him anymore, i still love him and wouldnt want to see him sad. So i moved to his bed and curled in his nook. The most comfortable place in this whole wide world.

...

Next thing i know, i woke up next to nothing. With my hair spiked up in the air and my make up was all over the white pillows, i looked outside. And it was already dark. I guess i missed most of the party.

Aiden walked in and said..

aiden: morning, princess. You missed sleeper. He was here just now. And he saw you sleeping.

In my heart..

NOOOooooooOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOoooooo

I took my phone and went outside to the garage and called sweater. I told her everything and she just laughed. I then called sleeper. He didnt pick up. Guess he was still partying...somewhere.

I texted him, “please come back to my villa. I didnt get to party with you”.

*big sigh... (and i never sigh!)

I walked back in to the free-loading strangers partying hard in my villa. Since we were not going back till the next morning and the prospect of sleeper coming back there was no longer an option, i popped another pill. Sat in one corner and listened to the waves of music coming in through my ears.

The room was dark. So dark that no one could see anything. Suddenly the main door opened and sleeper came in. I wanted to call him. I wanted to walk right up to him and kiss him. But i couldnt even move. There i was, overdosed.

My sights were blurry. And the next thing i know, it was already sunrise, and everybody was ready to go back. I knew i will never see sleeper. Packed up my bags and i was ready to get out of there, see curly and the rest in the city. As i was walking to the car...sleeper came out of the next villa looking like the party was held in him! He was in the next villa all along? I thought. Nobody said anything!

I got into the car and he just walked passed me without even looking. I knew he was pissed. I promised him too many times. And i broke all of them thinking he's just another heartless DJ who doesnt have any feelings of a real human being. He has feelings and it was obvious. I was just too fucked up to realize it. So who's worst?

When i got back to the city with my head still buzzing, i called sleeper. Maybe he would want to see me. Maybe i could explain myself to him. But he didnt answer. He kept silenced and i know it was all my fault.

Chinaman? I found out he has been doing the same shit-treat to just about anything thats moves in a skirt. So fuck him.

Lil? I cant be holding on to something (yes, he's a thing) that has no feelings towards anything. I cant let him think i'll be here no matter what. I need to move on and by move on i mean....start to forget about him.

Aiden? Yes, i will miss him eventually and still see him spinning his records around the city, but i'd have to stay strong – as what my dear girl, Fary told me. I love him, but i dont think i love him more than my freedom of thoughts.

Rossa? He's a friend and doesnt fall into this category but yea...i'm fed up with his cookie like behaviour. He comes and goes. And i dont appreciate that. Especially when my rent is due next week and i'm still not sure if i'm moving to the new place.

....

I'm feeling sexy and i want to go on a date this week. Wonder who it'll be?

ssx

Insanity is another break up away

When a certain man and a slightly less certain woman have constant fights with each other, for no specific reason, we take such situations as fatal incompatibility.

I have yet encountered many of these, but have been intrigued by the fact that they actually keep on doing this for years. My long lost bestfriend, whom i'm back attached to these days, Sean say that some are just suckers for relationship punishments.

It's common these days that women look for that in a relationship to feel like they're in a real relationship. The need to feel cared for and loved. Weird i must say.

Lately i've been seeing Sean. Very often indeed that some might think we're married at some point. We've known each other for years. About 1 year b.a (before aiden). We met briefly at a club when i got bored while my then roomie (aiden) was busy checking out some fake melon sized breasted women walking pass him and his friends at the bar. Sean was a sweet guy with shoulder length curly hair with a much too initiated fedora hat, a thick thick o'skoo glasses with a mouth full of braces. He invited me for a drink at another bar in the club. We talked and i thought, he's funny and sweet and far too charming...he must be gay.

Gay enough that made me feel so comfortable with him that i decided to leave aiden to his drooling and went back with Sean after knowing his place was right in front of mine, coincidently.

After being so close for so long, i finally knew he was in love with me. I was also very much in love with him, but maybe in a slightly different way. I loved him as a friend. We used to enjoy drugs so much, every weekend of the month, everyday of the week...u name it, we've done it.

From drugs galore to almost got rape situations to emotional breakdowns to face meltdown and finally, we set our separate ways. It was then when Sean started becoming worse and i, became less of an addict as i was starting to date the then-angel, aiden.

Sean was a big big addict who did just about anything that could make him fly high. When i met him, he was more of an alcoholic. When not being with me, Sean started to be who he was. He joined a younger group of kids to party and usually had to be the one to pay for their hardcore partying activities. I thought it was all bullshit and dodgy thus i couldnt take it.

Since at that point of time Sean was organizing some big big parties happening everywhere in the city and became so successful in what he was doing, i just looked from afar and didnt for once wanted to join in the flood of underaged kids who worshipped him in the name of drugs.

After i moved here, where i live now, and haven't seen those who would drag me back into the deep shithole, i kept my hands clean from what i called soulmate. Not even weedsmoke inhaled...and just that, i became the most boring person on the planet. When Sean called about almost a year ago to somehow chill with me, i figured he already came to his senses. Back to where he belonged, me.

When he came to my apartment, my roomie, joanne who's also a stick-figured-model junkie was doing her own version of bong therapy. It was a big big mistake. Sean came and joined her instead.

We were back to square one. We stopped talking till end of last year, i got a call from sean asking for forgiveness and to my surprise, the ever unsober man i've loved cried on the telephone.

I took him back but still, we werent as close as we were. Now that we have been talking to each other almost everyday, i learnt that he had gone through the worst time of his life. He lost his job, his event company, his car, his so-called friends and his dignity. He was in debt for about almost 20k. And at this point, no one, not even those who worshipped him came to help and thats when he realized he had to come back to where he was. Earth.

Sean and i have the most dysfunctional love of all. We went through thick and thin and i'd have to say that he's no angel but i love him still. He has this thing about being bad. When the word bad comes to mind, he still knows how to come back. And he faces reality...that's what makes it priceless.

...

Aiden and i have been trying to set our boundaries. Now that we're no longer together, we have to find a way to know what to do and what not. It's hard of course, because we still love each other and are so comfortable with each other which makes it even harder.

Maybe we were meant to be with each other, who knows?

I invited him to the theatre, as my date. Sweater and another friend were there too. All yuppied up as how he does best, we walked into the theatre with smiles and we were all very excited.

But at the end of the night, while we were in the car, aiden gave me a look like i ran over his dog. So i asked him what was wrong...what could possibly be wrong that wonderful night. He refused to answer and only blamed it on his exhaustion.

It was very clear that we weren't on the same page anymore. I used to understand each and everything he does.

The anger is mounting. I couldnt hold it in any longer. I burst out saying things i've said for millions of times and surprisingly, it still had to be said.

He could never change. He will never understand. There's this thing i have within me that always comes out as rage whenever i'm dealing with aiden. He brings out the worst in me.

“Face the fucking reality, aiden! There's a giraffe in this room and you pretend to not see it!”

Or didnt he?

The problems we had, never once being laid in front of us. It was always hidden and never to be discussed. In aiden's world, thats how you deal with problems, by sleeping on it – so soon it will be okay.

Confrontations are fights, opinions are insults.

I couldnt help but wonder..

ssx: What do you want from me, aiden?

Aiden who kept silenced in my teary screams replied

aiden: NOTHING!!

There it was. Right from the horses mouth. I knew it, there was nothing i could possibly give to someone who doesnt want me in his future.

So why fight it? Sean saw it all along, but i guess he respected aiden and our relationship too much to say it. I guess i saw it too and probably too chickened shit to face reality, just like aiden.

All this while i have been devoting my life for Aiden. I shared my dreams, my passions and i shared my life with him. Little that i know that he didnt have the slightest intentions of keeping me for long.

This is exactly why everything is so fucked up. When a gal finally opens up and let everything through, she gets this. A whole lotta crap.

And as i reached my mom's that night, i knew...we're not meant to be.

You can have the dirtiest past but still have the will to change for good. Or you could just be good and have no idea where to go from there.

Which do you want to be?

ssx

Red Carpet of Disaster

Last week was the most hectic week this year. So many things had to be sorted and at last, i celebrated this year's festive event with a major migraine. Something i thought i never had to experience. Being the only child to a single mother is one thing, but being the only responsible one amongst most is another.

From handling what's running in my car engines to what's hanging on my windows to what's left in my already half empty pocket. This is not me whining, this is me smiling proudly after making it through hell and is still, smokingly alive.

I saw some very interesting yet disturbing situations around me. And the one that made it to the peak of the list, would be the situation of being in between a torn family.

People used to think being married, have children and then get divorced is one helluva massive news to read. Nowadays, it's happening everywhere. To the person sitting in the next cubicle in your office, to those little children walking home with their maids from kindergarten, to the first lady of a world class organization and more.

I am a child of a broken family.

It didnt mtter much to me when i was younger thinking why are all these teenagers blaming their parents on what they've become? Why are they hating their parents so much? Why does getting busted for smoking in the school toilet become the parents' fault? My father wasn't around and still is, and i'm doing fine. I didnt need a strong male figure in my life for me to still have my ways in the right direction.

But now that i'm old enough to think and to have my friends go though divorce and such, i'm starting to understand why breaking a family up is one of the most bizzare things that could happen in ones life. And how it could effect the whole extended family for generations to come.

My mother was forced to marry a distant cousin of hers when my late grandfather realized my mother wasnt doing well with her personal love life. After just 5 months of being married, they called it quits and until now, i've never ever seen my real father. Sad, one must think, even worst for me, who's going through it. Life goes on, and so did my mother and i.

This is different from those who grew up to having both parents in the same house, in the same circle of trust and at the end, the parents split. What happens to the children? Where do they go? Who do they trust now?

I was raised knowing i could only trust my mother. I dont know who my father is, so why trust him?

I have friends, cousins who are going through some hard times trying to figure out what was going on in their family lives. I went though it when i was young and am still recovering from it. Children who suffers this problem, usually create their own worlds.

I remember telling my friends that my father was a criminal, who hits my mom so badly, my mother threw him out of the house. Sometimes, i told my friends, my father was an angel who flew away as an invisible bubble. Sometimes, i said that my foster father was my real father and he and my mother got married secretly.

Pathetic and lost. I was.

That was a child going though it since she could even remember. How about those who are going through it now? At a teen age or even an adult age?

This festive season is made for families to get together, be together after spending a whole year being busy with work and school. This is the time when everyone should be happy...together.

I have cousins and friends having troubles thinking of which side to be with this year. If they go with their father, who will be there to pick up their mother? If they go with their mother, who's going to cook for their father?

Torn in between what's left of their parent's dark history.

Now that i'm old enough to go out and look for my own life-partner, i experience things. Weird things.

I've always been THE GUY of the family, who takes care of my mom, who purchase her own belongings, who never quits, who wants to be in charged of everything because she's always in charge. When a guy wants to step into my life and be the guy who wants to take care of me, i take a step back thinking the guy is underestimating me capabilities of surviving this awful world.

Aiden once said:

If you need help, ask and dont give hatred in return. You deserve good things. Love yourself and you will open up to be loved.

Lil said:

You dont have to so macho all the time, you know.

Lately i've been having some thoughts. Of how in the world do i let my ego down and for once let those who love me, in.

This is post is not meant to say fathers should be blamed for what they have left and for what their children had to suffer now. This is for all of us, for not repeating the same mistakes anyone could've caused. History should taught us something, if it doesn't...then what good is sacrifice?

Ssx

This is dedicated...

to my mother, who was there when i needed someone. Who stood up for my rights to be loved and be taken care of. Regardless of whether she could or not, at that very crucial time of her life. Who didnt think of anything else, any excuses for not having me, but to still stick around and be gutsy enough to call me her daughter.

To the children of a broken family. I salute you for still standing. To always have faith in no one but God and yourselves. You guys are the most of the most fabulous of all.

Empty Space

Moving Mode turned on.

Left and right i see walls are falling down on me. I need new air to breath. New room to live in. It has not been confirmed yet, but i might be moving soon.

The initial plan was:

The group will move to this flat on top of a hill, where there's actual peace and privacy. I will move into another unit, in the same block with our PA, eric. So when there're missions to be accomplished, it'd be easy for us to go together and stuff. The flat is way cheaper then the place i'm staying in now and plus, i'll only be paying half. The only setback to this would be the long journey to work and forth. And that eric has a cat.

At the album cover photoshoot, eric announced, “i dont think i wanna move”.

Great, just great. Rossa was looking at moving into the building too. And was thinking of getting two units. One for him and one as storage area. I asked him if he could rent out one room for me. After all, he will be renting it no matter what.

He agreed and i am very excited. His unit will be across mine, my group mate's unit will be below mine. And i get the whole area to my nudist self.

(note: plans not confirmed yet)

I'm a natural born decorator/artist. So i couldnt help but to already imagine what the place would look like. I only have 3 pieces of very basic furniture. Am planning to get more, but not too much, since i wanna make way for rossa's stuff.

My room:

I'm looking at Carrie's room, cozy and comfortable. Wont scream cold, single bitch.

The living room:

Inspired by some excessive German influence lately, i'd go with the DJs' taste.

DJ Hell's very spacious apartment

Sven Vath's workstation

I dont care if i dont have the money and energy to decorate the place but bottom line, i'm excited to move away from the norms of a working class girl.

(Note again: it hasnt been confirmed yet. however, rossa has been planning to move sooner or later...but i'm hoping it would be before end of this year)

ssx

____ high ____ low....____hey ____hoe (fill in the blanks)

Remember when at one point in your life you feel like you wanna be sexist? Anti-male or anti-female. You thought that all you need in your life are just the people of the same sex as you. Some stayed that way...well others including me, moved on from that phase. It's something all of us have gone through. Funny to think about it now. Especially when teens hit their 20-somethings, they went straight against what they preached.

Majority have met the ones they fancy in their early teens. They are the ones blessed to be in co-ed schools. For me and curly, its quite difficult because we came from an all-girls school. Sucks. Everything dawned onto us right after we graduated high school. How to talk to boys. The first feeling of having to admire the opposite sex.

We're not all so duh dumb you see. We have been in a band with 4 guys. We totally rocked being a 'just a girlfriend' to the boys. And we kinda know how to flirt a lil.

But when it comes to the guys we really like...we suck!

Situation 1:

After a long period of time of not seeing lil and the few initial meet-ups were totally accidental, i went to see him at a gig he was organizing. He just got back from the island. So i couldnt wait to see him in his new skin. Should be hot, i thought. As i walked into the gig, i got more and more nervous. Sweater and shopper calmed me down. In there, i saw him and i knew he saw me. But i looked away. Either wanting him to come to me and say hi or i wasnt ready to look at him in the face. In my mind, there were millions of assumptions. Am i putting myself out there – too much? Do i look okay? Does he think i was stalking him?

Then we waited outside and i called him to tell him we were leaving. He came down and he was looking hotter than ever. Maybe because all this while he was just as pale as i was. I dont know. Maybe. But that nite he looked....

lil: hey guys, whats up?

Ssx: so...u're dark (shit! Motherfucker fuck shit!)

lil: erk...yea, i just got back from the island, remember?

Ssx: yea! (shrieky)

Why did i have to say that? Why? Why? I wanted to go back and crawl in bed and suffocate myself with my pillow.

Situation 2:

One night at a bar, i was with Dennis and curly and their friends whom i've never met before. We were having a drink when lil sent me a text msg that was so sweet i could barely stop smiling. He said he saw me for a distance. Since dennis, a danish friend of mine knew in and out about my roller coaster ride with lil, i told dennis right then and there. We were trying to fake a sore neck while looking around for him when lil came by and kissed my cheek. He said hi and invited me to a club for an after party with some bands he brought from philipines. I had to bite my lips and said no politely although everybody knew i wanted to join so bad.

When he left, he left a note..

U looked yummy. Felt like kissing you :)

I smiled the whole way home. He's a drug. I couldnt get enough of him. I had the sudden urge of seeing him not next week, not in 2 days time. I wanted him the next day. I didnt care of whatever's gonna happen.

The next day, a Friday which was my day, i asked him of where he would be. He never liked going to clubs but somehow because i was always there, he suddenly became apart of the club family.

I was working late so when i reached the city, it was already 2.30am! I didnt want my micro mini skirt to come to waste. As usual, we were acting all awkward to each other. None of us said anything and suddenly i became a chain smoker. I knew he was dying to check me out. So at the bar. I climbed on the stool and bent over to call the bartender. Just to give him a sneak preview of what he'll be getting if he could only talk to me more.

I knew he was looking but i kept cool and so did he.

We went back to his place with the boys (as usual). I was on the couch and he was 2 metres away from me and was desperately trying to talk to me from that distance. The boys left us alone. He came and sat beside me after i told him that there was nothing to be scared about.

At times like these, i often do the wrong things, babble some wrong wrong stuff. While i was embarrasing myself, he reached for my thigh and started drawing something with a bic blue pen.

I asked...what's that? He covered it and said its supposed to be a yet to be revealed masterpiece. I played along and while he was drawing, i looked at his head. Cute!

And as the artist finished his masterpiece, he announced it proudly....ta-daaa!!!

it said..

“LIL”

That's it? He took half an hour to only write that? I asked him why did he write his name there? Then he said..

“so when you bop your head somewhere and lose your memory, you will wonder who the hell is LIL. And LIL will always be in your mind”

I didnt need his name to be on my thigh for me to think of him all the time. It's already embedded safely in there. Whether as a prick or a sweet guy, it depends on time.

I had to call it a night when i realized it was already 5.30 am. He walked me to my car which was parked down a hill, between some huge huge scary yet beautiful trees. We were talking and laughing and everything started to feel comfortable and nice. Just right.

As we stopped in front of my car, i could see the moon shining so brightly upon us, the scary trees and everything was so clear. I said goodbye and kissed his cheek. When i stepped away, lil pulled me and kissed me...and that my friend, is what we call THE PERFECT FIRST KISS.

It didnt take me long before i could feel my legs numbing and mind was at ease. Images of launching rockets in my head. Birds flying in front of a plane. Double scoops of sinful strawberry ice cream. Jimmy Choo's peep-toe pumps. Gorgeous apartments of Jade Jagger's designs. Curly's boobs. The island....ahhhh the island.

I pulled away immediately, and by immediately i mean after thousands of seconds of passion, i tried to open my eyes and smile. But i couldnt! Shikes! I took some steps back blindly. The uneven ground made my unsure steps look like i was damn wasted. As i saw some light blurly, i realized i could open my eyes slowly. I smiled foolishly with my eyes crossed. Wtfffff???

I rushed into my car feeling like a dumbass and i saw lil smiling at me trying to hold back some hardcore laughter.

I told sweater and curly the next day. They laughed their hearts out.

So here's the thing, when did liking a guy become a stupid thing to do? And if so, does putting yourself out there means that you're also putting your abnormal behaviour at stake?

Okay, honestly it took me two days to finish this FULL OF LIL entry. I'm losing my touch. I realize i've been talking too much about lil. I kept telling myself i was going to be over him soon...but then again,

So why the drama?

This, ladies and gentlemen...is the obvious case of obsession and this is exactly what 'giving in too soon' could do to a girl. It's a good month, a holy month. A month to cleanse and relax. I should clean my thoughts from thinking about what i should be getting and start thinking of what i could give..more. Right rossa?

I might be talking more about lil in the future, but for now...i have more important stuff to think about.

To those driving back to your hometowns, have a safe drive back. Later!

There's no significance to this graphic, actually. Just thought it would be nice to know there are still people in this world who could be so lucky and be amazed that some can actually multi-task.

ssx

She says, he says, they say. I say?

Few things people don't know about me. I barf nearly every morning when i brush my teeth and i love being in front of the camera. No, not while i barf..and yes, i love the camera and the camera obviously loves me. It's only mutual. I actually practice my pose in the mirror to see which angle do me taller. I earned the supermodel title, because wherever i go, wherever i stand, squat, lie ...whenever with whomever, i will always strike a pose. It's like I'm traveling with my own lighting director and a complete setting of a fashion spread photo shoot. Not!

Who am i kidding?

Nobody's perfect in this world. But when i cant be perfect, I'll try my best to be as close to perfection as possible. I dress good, not expensive. I dine well, not expensive either. I date notorious talented musicians, definitely not expensive. I used to cut my own hair out of boredom. Pierced my eyebrows (3 times) myself. I make my own clothes – (my prom dress costs me 50 bucks and i won best dressed).

I live in a world where doing it yourself is better than getting it in stores. Some say I'm a hippie (curly), some say I'm creative and talented (family and friends)..but most say I'm just plain lucky. Ick.

Let me get this straight, so the rest think that i just sit at home, do nothing and luck comes tumbling down from the 7^th heaven? This might sound a tad bit too cliché, but honey...

“Luck is when preparation meets opportunity” – Little Black Book

Let's go back, way back in the days where i was a virgin and my band mates just learn the proper way to shave.

School.

I sleep 70% out of the whole duration of being in school. Primary, secondary..rega

rdless. But i always score good results. Why? Because when everybody was out partying, talking for 5 hours on their parents' landlines with some hip hop guy who rides scoots, getting their beauty sleep, i was up and awake. Studying.

Singing.

In the early days of trying to find my identity in singing, i had to try just about anything and do just about everything i could (sleeping with organizers..not one of them!). From classical, soul to ska-punk to indie-pop-rock. Then i met an organizer through a certain most hated ex-boyfriend. The organizer, Tod had a little thing for me. He knew i sang so he invited me to sing with a big band whom I've watched over the past years. From then on, after getting to know some musicians from the shows i did with the band, i was known...a little at least.

Work.

Work is good when i didn't have to think of what people think about me. But as time goes by, and you see the same shit-faced-gossip mongers everyday...you hear things, you see things – clearer. I never thought I'd be the one to say this, but I've become so conscious of what people might think or say..it's driving me nuts.

I hate the fact that people think it's too easy being me. Guys want me, girls wanna be me (curly)..what could possibly be so hard about that? One might think. If guys want me, i wouldnt have any problems calling Lil and tell him of how much i want to see him.

Somehow, I do get a feeling that people may say that I've been using my sexuality towards getting what i want in life. Isn't sex another form of power? And when men could use their power to get whatever they want in bigger scale, why do women resort to feeling ashamed when they do the same?

I haven't for once used sex as an exchange for anything except for plain pleasure. I play my game clean so at the end of the day, when wrinkles appear and my children are around to hear things about their Singing Supermodel mom, i wont have to clean the mess I've made.

I worked hard to get to where i am (which is still nowhere) now. No free rides, no closetted high class prostitution, no cheap thrills but maybe just a bit of harmless flirtation.

Sometimes, i think this blessing is a curse in disguise. Then I'd sound ungrateful. But other times i thought...

“I'm here because of you, so now go jump out the window.”

ssx