Few weeks and a lot has happened. I haven't been at my best state of mind so i refuse to think i would write nice things while being so depressed. Few drafts went missing in my pc and a few more couldnt find its way to the real posting window, i managed to pull myself together to write a sane one with no weird emotions to distract me.
I got back to the city after spending about 4 days down south with my extended family when i realized i havent been in touch with my so called enemy, 'The Tech'. Without it i could be happier but i could also be the only one on the planet who doesnt get in touch with anyone via it. It's hard when we know everyone and what theyre doing and it's just plain evil when you find yourself disliking somebody and started stalking them by googling up their surnames or telephone numbers. Urghh...i've been to the darker side of a supermodel and it aint pretty.
But one of the things i enjoyed being in the tangled world wide web is that somehow, the things you'd only know at the slightest hint of getting to know more about that person you adore at like what - 3rd or even 4th date? Nobody could wait that long to know somone's birthday or age or theyre too lazy to be going through the interviewing process of getting to know each other more, they registered everything, from A-Z in their own public diaries, Friendster. Sure there are a lot of other networking sites but friendster has been my favourite when it comes to giving updates.
Right before i said goodbye to the internet last few weeks, i received an update reminding me lil's birthday was just around the corner. I figured it could fall on one of those days while i was totally disconnected from the so called real world.
Yes it was. On the 18th, when i finally got my hands on my pc i checked for the final update and his birthday falls on the 15th of october. I missed it. Ahhh...so what. He didnt know when mine was and i have friendster too! Hence the updates and vise versa.
I was on my way home when i decided to give him a call. He had his cell turned off and so i thought maybe i could call him back later when i finish my studio time that nite. I went back to my old apartment feeling excited to see my giant catfish, Bon. Bon has been living as my soulmate in my room for nearly a year and i have literally seen him grow before my eyes.
He has been there no matter what. I always tell him of how i thought we were quite similar at living our lives. We were both living in a small box and somehow are trapped in our own doings.
But our lives began to look totally different from each others when i found him floating lifeless in the tank. He died. All the things i was going through and was acting flawlessly to look okay on the surface just went down the drain and brokedown and just cried. I was devastated by the fact that Bon wouldve suvived the suffocating life of being in the box if he could just wait for a little while longer. I was already planning to buy a much bigger tank once i move to the new place.
Guess it was too late.
I cleaned his tank, wrapped him neatly and drove to the studio. I was lucky to get through lil's line and he totally made things better.
I texted everyone who knew and loved Bon..
Friends and family,
My beloved catfish, Bon passed on earlier today..
ssx
....
Some replied with condolences and some just straight asked, “the catfish?”. Duh. Rossa replied with the most meaningful words i've ever heard from him. Mummy called and cried frantically with me. Not helping. And curly said something that made me still have faith in the most cynical minds in the world could still say the sweetest things.
As i talked to lil on the phone, he managed to make me laugh a lil, smile a lil and miss him a lot. I let my guard down and told him of how much i wanted to see him. He said he wanted to see me as well. But he's busy and i was too so it was hard..
....
After a series of what i called ranked second after the Big BU, i decided to party hard to sweat off the sadness. One of the most anticipated events of the year was about to happen the following weekend.
The initial plan was, i would drive down with curly and her sister in her car and meet up with aiden and the rest of our friends there. But about 3 dyas before we planned on shooting out there, curly decided it was too risky to go there considering the fact that i needed more than 4 days in a row to party and she didnt wanna be the one to wait for me to say, “okay, i'm exhausted. Let's go back to the city”.
She blew off the plan, so i had no choice but to go with aiden, whom i wasnt talking to. When riding shotgun in his car for 2 hours wasnt uncomfortable enough, he actually invited a dj friend and his dj grilfriend to ride with us.
Sleeper, being in the gang (and i never used that word) with the rest would be there since he would be the highlight of the event. I was partly excited, reminiscing what happened between us there, the same place, quite the same time of the year.
When we reached the 2 villas we booked, i was so glad to see Nat, a very familiar face from circa 2005 whom i used to think as the coolest girl in the party scene. She brought the latest accessory she found on the display of Ministry of Sound, singapore...the sound engineer, mike. They looked cute together and they are the sweetest.
Me and aiden had to share one bedroom which was right next to the DJ console.
We made our way to the event itself at around 7. it was massive, the stages were huge. The people were beautiful, the area was filled with sexually confused boys with different types of styles to show which stage of genre they belonged to.
And the very unpredicted...mud. The whole area was flooded with mud and looking down at my very new and cheap skinny jeans with my effortless jelly shoes, it was almost impossible to walk around ankle deep in the dirt.
But all of us had fun. Until...
Jack, another gay yet very special friend of mine spotted me among thousands of dancing zombies. We hugged, chatted and took lots of pictures. I turned to see where aiden was and then i saw him chatting up our friend's girlfriend. I couldnt help but to be curious about what they were talking about. Just so you know, aiden was never the type to flirt, i mean, not in front of me at least.
I walked up next to him. Just wanna see if he would turn around and introduce me to the bitch. But he pretended not to see me. Like i wasnt there to witness it myself. I walked back to jack who was already lost by then. I shook jack's shoulders trying to make sure he was watching all along but i guess he wasnt.
I walked around alone watching people having fun with the ones they love. I smiled and at that point of time, the drugs i planned on not taking gave me a big slap in the brains and i realized i was too high to walk. I sat with my jeans filthed by the mud on a platform where it was far enough from the f**cked up sights but close enough to spot some gorgeous male models dancing their way through the rocking sets.
While i was sitting down by myself, aiden sent me a text message..
Where are you? Sleeper is with us!!
Stretch my neck a little bit longer and there he was, with his black tee and jeans looking like he just stepped out of shower. Fresh and so him. This time, it was weird. I didnt feel the same excitement i felt everytime i saw him before. I recalled our conversation the day before the rave.
Sleeper: hey babe, come over. I feel like shit today. My event got cancelled for some trademark reasons.
Ssx: really. Oh poor baby. But baby i cant.
Sleeper: why?
Ssx: i just cant. I'm sorry. But i'll see you down south anyway, right?
Silence..
Ssx: right?
Sleeper: ....yeah. Yeah. But just get out of work and put on your illest and we have dinner. Right love?
In the phone conversation sleeper did ask another awkward question..
Sleeper: hey are you going out with chinaman?
Another name i wish not to hear again, at least these few months.
Ssx: why would you think that?
Sleeper: i saw you holding hands the other day
Ssx: friends hold hands. But still, does it matter?
Sleeper: I was curious. Anyone would be.
....
Suddenly i heard people cheering and as i looked up, there were fireworks. I was so used to having aiden next to me when stuff like that happened, i tend to still look for him this time around.
When i saw him, the bitch was already leaning on her back...on aiden's chest. Where i usually find comfort. Where i usually sleep on. His hands werent around her, but i heard her saying..
fucking bitch: hug me! Hug me! No one's here to hug me! Hug me aiden! Hug me! C'mon aiden
I stood where i knew he would see me and just looked. The sight sobered my confused head right that moment. As aiden raised his hands to reach the bitch's waist, i dared not look anymore. I turned around and to my surprise, my gay friends were looking with pity written on their foreheads. I smiled and took a few slow steps back telling them i knew what was going on and wanted to give him space for him and his new “firework-tramp-friend”.
Jack came up to me and just hugged me so tight i knew he knew what i was feeling. He just screamed in my ears...
HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR, you gorgeous supermodel!!!
Sure it wasnt the end of 2007, but in my head...i was glad. This is a new start in my life where i could just let lose and for the first time...not give a fuck of what's gonna happen. As my 'nu year' just started, i felt the adrenaline rush and i looked to my right, sleeper was trying to get me to look at him.
So i walked straight at him.
Ssx: hey
Sleeper: hey
Just that moment, i regretted saying NO to sleeper. As we talked, i knew people were looking and somehow i knew they thought i would do the same mistake i did last year...but for me, nothing could stop me. Not even that acned-tramp-firework-bitch!
While i was having fun, sleeper invited me over to the foambar where he was spinning for the finalé. Everyone walked over including aiden and that ATFB (not ATB, but acned-tramp-firework-bitch). They were all soaked in the brown foam pushing each other, having fun. Suddenly, a girl who was dancing behind me tapped my shoulder and as i looked back... she said “you look hot!”
ssx: thanks (i looked around, stared at the console where millions of girls trying to get sleeper's attention) but i'm not feeling so hot tonite. Chiow!
Though my nu year was just beginning, i thought i should just call it a night and walked down from the terrace. I played with my new purple hair. Gorgeous, i thought. But for those who couldnt appreciate that, i feel sorry for them.
....
As we arrived at the villa, i couldnt control my expression and asked aiden tomeet me in the room. We then talked about what was happening, what went wrong and where exactly do we stand. A tear and a cigarette later, we came to a conclusion. We could do anything we want and aiden should leave the villa before i become a monster and start a drama right then and there. (*under the dangerous influence of what we call the fucked up pills)
I walked out of the room feeling tired and i just wanted to lie down. Nat came and told me all the things a girl wanted to hear from her girlfriends. The ATFB was there and too bad. While being there uninvited, she got a face, a new name and a new rep.
We partied till the sun came up, came down and i was feeling a bit too fucked in the head. I went into my room hoping to get some space from the music, the people and the smoke.
When i walked into my room, i saw Dan lying on my bed. He looked up and tapped the empty space right next to him. I looked around the room and saw Andy, a geeky guy sleeping in aiden's bed. Which bed do i dive into now?
Dan is a guy i knew a few years ago. He's dark, handsome and sexy. Tattooed all over his body and he has that look where you just wanna rip off his shirt and lick his chest. He first talked to me when i was sitting on the stairs of the club, drunk and my legs were far apart from one another. Being a gentleman he is, he asked me to put my legs together because my panties were showing. Thats how we first met.
I dove into the open arms of Dan. I believe i did that not because he was almost too good looking, but because i was more afraid of the geeky guy in the next bed. Geeks are horny. Nuff said.
Dan slept gorgeously. I looked at him with full of admiration. I put my thigh on his, my arms on his chest then suddenly....
KROOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Andy started snoring. Dan woke up and laughed. Aiden, who was gone the whole day came in and joined us all and somehow what we talked about earlier just vanished into the air.
Aiden lie down next to andy and asked me to lie next to him. As much as i wanted to be alone and not be with him anymore, i still love him and wouldnt want to see him sad. So i moved to his bed and curled in his nook. The most comfortable place in this whole wide world.
...
Next thing i know, i woke up next to nothing. With my hair spiked up in the air and my make up was all over the white pillows, i looked outside. And it was already dark. I guess i missed most of the party.
Aiden walked in and said..
aiden: morning, princess. You missed sleeper. He was here just now. And he saw you sleeping.
In my heart..
NOOOooooooOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOoooooo
I took my phone and went outside to the garage and called sweater. I told her everything and she just laughed. I then called sleeper. He didnt pick up. Guess he was still partying...somewhere.
I texted him, “please come back to my villa. I didnt get to party with you”.
*big sigh... (and i never sigh!)
I walked back in to the free-loading strangers partying hard in my villa. Since we were not going back till the next morning and the prospect of sleeper coming back there was no longer an option, i popped another pill. Sat in one corner and listened to the waves of music coming in through my ears.
The room was dark. So dark that no one could see anything. Suddenly the main door opened and sleeper came in. I wanted to call him. I wanted to walk right up to him and kiss him. But i couldnt even move. There i was, overdosed.
My sights were blurry. And the next thing i know, it was already sunrise, and everybody was ready to go back. I knew i will never see sleeper. Packed up my bags and i was ready to get out of there, see curly and the rest in the city. As i was walking to the car...sleeper came out of the next villa looking like the party was held in him! He was in the next villa all along? I thought. Nobody said anything!
I got into the car and he just walked passed me without even looking. I knew he was pissed. I promised him too many times. And i broke all of them thinking he's just another heartless DJ who doesnt have any feelings of a real human being. He has feelings and it was obvious. I was just too fucked up to realize it. So who's worst?
When i got back to the city with my head still buzzing, i called sleeper. Maybe he would want to see me. Maybe i could explain myself to him. But he didnt answer. He kept silenced and i know it was all my fault.
Chinaman? I found out he has been doing the same shit-treat to just about anything thats moves in a skirt. So fuck him.
Lil? I cant be holding on to something (yes, he's a thing) that has no feelings towards anything. I cant let him think i'll be here no matter what. I need to move on and by move on i mean....start to forget about him.
Aiden? Yes, i will miss him eventually and still see him spinning his records around the city, but i'd have to stay strong – as what my dear girl, Fary told me. I love him, but i dont think i love him more than my freedom of thoughts.
Rossa? He's a friend and doesnt fall into this category but yea...i'm fed up with his cookie like behaviour. He comes and goes. And i dont appreciate that. Especially when my rent is due next week and i'm still not sure if i'm moving to the new place.
....
I'm feeling sexy and i want to go on a date this week. Wonder who it'll be?
ssx
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