A celebration and another goodbye

20^th of November was Sweater's 24^th birthday. She had been telling us and reminding us to not to forget to buy her presents. I have been thinking of throwing a party at my place since i moved out here a year plus ago. But somehow, i just didnt have the time until now that i'm moving out of the place, i thought this is the best time to have a celebration for Sweater, myself, the apartment and the group of people i call family here.

I have been planning the whole thing alone, myself since it was supposed to be a surprise thingy. I figured if i had too many people involved at helping, one mouth might just leak the infos. Sweater who turned to an age i regret turning into, has never been the party type. Many times i've invited her to the home club or upperside for some chilling and she always managed to make an escape.

So a week prior to the party, i called up the chef, who was the DJ of my group. He agreed to cook some fried chicken and some singaporean noodles for the party. With the little budget i have, i managed to get most of the main stuff, like a present for sweater..the alcohol and some decorations.

The invitations were sent out on friday so the invitees could rsvp through the weekend. Since the plan was to surprise her, i had the whole thing happened on the day before her birthday which was on the 19^th.

After work, when everyone left and i was left alone with her..as usual, we started talking like nothing was supposed to happen. I had everything under my belt. I told her the day before that i needed her to help me pack my stuff at my place. And convinced her to actually sleep over my place that night too. We talked about how we were going to celebrate her birthday the next day..

Ssx: babe, as usual, we will buy a cake and pretend to be having a meeting in the pantry and you act all surprised when we take out the cake. So to skip all the drama, i'll just ask you straight up...what cake do you want and when?

Sweater: haha. Nice one ssx. Such a nice friend you are....well, anything. And as for the present...i want a perfume. Christian DOOR

Ssx: Even doors have religions now? Where have i been?

Sweater: -___- i hate you

There it was, the most comfortable conversation at the scariest time of all. I was at the verge of asking her to grab her bag and head back to my place when...

Msg tone..

Curly: Fuck! The people arent here yet! Get her to walk around the block or something. Seriously.

Curly was already at my place giving some final touch on the party and the handling the people coming. But she doesnt do well while entering panic. At that point of time, i could imagine how she'd be running around with her big boobs sweating here and there.

At last, i brought back sweater. With the boxes i made her carry from the office, we rode the elevator and just as it it hit 7^th floor, i was nervous. I could barely breath. Before this, i was thinking even if the plan turned out bad, i would still be happy to have all of them together to party and chill at my place. There are those who have never seen my place at all. Those who stayed so near but never made an effort or time to chill with me.

As i opened the door,

Sweater: Damn! It's too dark in here

Ssx: turn on the lights, babe

At the corner, i could see a bunch of people sitting and waiting in the dark to scream “suprise”, sweater turned to me and shook her head. Her face turned blue.

Ssx: babe, turn on the lights...ourghhh let me..

Click!

SURRPPRIIISEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Sweater: (screams like a bitch)...my goodness guys!! i thought there was a ghost (pointing to our friend - a lady-boy with long black hair and pale face sitting at the corner). So i just turned around cuz i know ssx is more of a chicken than i am! Fuck! Fuck!

It was so funny. She nearly threw the box at the 'ghost'. Then she blew the candles on her cake and thanked everyone.

When the clock striked 8, the infamous DJ Aiden started spinning some tunes and people started drinking. Guitarist was there, Sean and a friend came by, Shopper brought her gang of stylish people with her, and i thought to myself..that was just what i needed. Some bluriness and all of my loved ones around me to celebrate the fact that i'm moving on with my life. At about 3, everyone left except for the birthday girl, curly and guitarist who was already too drunk to go back to the city.

The next morning i woke up with eyebags and a smile...

Though no one knows that i'm leaving this place, this job...and i left them in the dark, they celebrated the fact that life, with or without a job, loved or not loved..has to go on.

And that's all that matters.

This is dedicated to Sweater who was there in my ugly days, who supported all my stupid dreams. Who knew who i am and never ever for once judged me. You have a bright future ahead of you so go catch it, live it and one day...we might just meet in the middle..maybe for a soft launch party for some online brand ;) ♥

Look out! They're everywhere!

Often said that one gal's freak is another gal's boyfriend. When living in a city full of weird people, you can never say you've never been with a freak before. It's not like we become a freak for being with freaks. For men, when they get close to someone and turns out, the girl's a freak (freaks – as in weird. Not freak – as in freaky in bed, cuz that's always good for men).. they won't say it. It's a known fact that they will secretly keep it to themselves or his friends will call him a freak for sleeping with a freak.

Yes, we've heard of those who fuck-and-tell. But they're just boasting. It's another form of telling their friends that they've been with that certain girl.

What he said:

Asshole who gets to fuck: “last night i went back with X and the sex was bad! Fuck man...at one point, i nearly fell asleep. Dont try her. It's a shame since she's so hot”

What he meant:

Man..i scored! You guys didn't get to fuck her, and i'm the first! Surely boosts my ego. So please dont try her, cuz i still wanna have secret sex with her. I'm insecure with my size so i don't want her to be sleeping with you guys and compare.

..

Men don't discuss weird things they experience in bed with someone. All they wanna talk about is how he great their sex lives are.

But women talk.

They would give in to the details on how a guy could be smelling bad, or if the spunk taste funky even if it curves to the side.

Usually they would would meet for coffees and cigarettes. They'd start the conversation with..

Gal 1: sooo....have you and X....you know? (though desperately wanting to know the freaky details, they tend to think saying the word 'fuck' is rude)

Gal 2: yerp yerp (with frustration in her face)

Other gals: owh hunny...what's wrong? TELL US ALLLLLL ABOUT IT.

Women don't want to hear the juicy details to keep them busy alone at night. They just want to know whether they have been with someone freakier. Whether their freaks are really freaks or are they actually normal to others?

How freaky is freaky?

Some say that freaks only roam around places we could never be seen at. Like the library, dark alleys or even at restaurants with their laptops pretending to be writing but was actually reading about serial killers in wikipedia.

I say that freaks are everywhere. I once dated a tall athletic guy who used to be so hot everyone at school drooled over his hot physic. He was the Drum Major in the marching band of an all boys school. Very good looking, such a gentleman. But after getting to know each other, he wanted to take things into the bedroom.

We started off with a kiss. Then he tried to swallow my whole head. Then i tried to push him away. Then he pulled down his pants. And then....there it was, the weirdest most freakiest thing I've ever seen. The shape was one thing. But the size? And it was limpy. Ekkhhh....he looked as though he was already hard so i pulled my head out of his mouth and screamed..

“I can't! I can't! I think you better go”

Though I'm not the type to lie, but in this case...i reached for a white one..

“...it's not you, I'm just not ready for sex”

A year later, i heard that he had a drinking problem and was seen puking here and there in the city.

There was another guy, he was so fucking hot. A DJ who had it all and reminds me so much of Thom Yorke. We had been seeing each other for a few weeks and wanted to see how it was like to sleep with each other. At first, everything was normal. But as things get faster, he bit me! Not the 90's love bite, it was a tee-nee pinch which hurt so bad, i had to the the scream again..

“Ouch! What are you doing?”

He stopped and looked at me as though it was so weird to not like what he was doing..

“you don't like it?!?”

It was so weird that i stopped taking his calls after that.

Next was a guy i met years before i dated him. The sex was great, he was hot but he was a psycho. We were living together and he wasn't working. I was a student and had to do 3 odd jobs to keep us both alive. When he landed on his first real job, i had to send him to work and pick him up later after school. The guy didn't have a car but he parties hard. So at night time, he would ask me to send him to the club and later pick him up around 4 ish in the morning. And between that, I'm not supposed to go anywhere so had to drive all the way out of town to where we were staying. He will ask me to call his cell from a specific pay phone below our condo to make sure i was really home.

After not more than a year of enduring the psychopath, i left the house and him. 7 months after the break up and i was already dating Businessman, the psychopath saw me at the opening of home club. I was standing by the bar when he came over and screamed...

“you fucking whore! No wonder you gave me STD. You're a dirty cow, you hear me?!?”

I was shocked and everyone else was too. As the whole upper level of the home club started to look at me, i walked behind psychopath who was already walking away from the bar. The actual plan was, i wanted to tap his shoulder and gave him a bitch-slap.

But because of the packed club and the fact that my favourite heels were pinching my toes, i accidentally knocked his head instead. He turned around and started punching me and kicking me. I feel onto the floor and the only thing i could see was his feet coming towards my stomach. I got my fabulous ass kicked by a psychopath!

And the freakiest thing was....nobody stopped him! The girls looked at me as though i was cockroach which had to be stepped ob. The guys were just looking with annoyance.

In my heart, i screamed..

“Hello?!?! are u guys blind. Fuck! I'm going to die”

at last, he kicked me down the stairs. I couldn't feel anything anymore. Just as i rolled down the concrete stairs of the home club...the resident Dj and a few bouncers came to get psychopath away from me.

After a few years of not seeing or hearing from psychopath, he found out where i was working and called the office. He asked for his money back. Yes, he actually asked for his money. I thought i was supposed to do so. He said accumulatively, i owe him $4000.

...

Just as we thought that the mental asylum could accommodate all the freaks, there are still millions more at large. This is not to scare everyone here. As i said before..

My freaks might be your prince...

ssx

Passion vs. Stability

Life is about pairs. Everything comes in twos. The twin towers, men & women, coke & pepsi. When one is fine being by themselves, they are perfect if they have another person to grow old with them. It's all about choices and each has it's own pros and cons.

You either choose to stay home on a saturday nite or dress up and go on perfect dates. You either have the best jobs or you could settle for convenience and have a happy relationship. You could have the most perfect boyfriend or you could have the best girlfriends anyone could ever have.

Like Brooke, who chose to be trapped in a world she calls her love life. She met Kay, a bouncer 3 years ago in front of the home club while trying to get in and Kay joked of how fantastic it would be if she gave her number to him. Being so conscious about her looks and her weight, br0oke decided to take it as a mean joke from a hot guy who was just trying to make her feel fatter.

But as she went in and out of the club looking for her friends, the guy looked more keen and introduced himself.

Kay: hello..i'm kay. What's your name?

Brooke: Brooke (smiles foolishly)

Kay: you know, i feel like calling you sometimes, could i?

Brooke: ...my number? Ermmmm...well usually i dont give out my number...

Considering the fact that she had broken up with her ex-boyfriend who was a total jerk and she was secretly hoping to get laid that nite.

Brooke: ...but i'll make this an exception.

The next night, i was at Brooke's (used to be) apartment with Pam, Brooke's little sister. I was sleeping in brooke's room when brooke decided to go to the club and see Kay. I continued sleeping. The next thing i know, brooke woke me up and a tall, really dark man was standing in the dark with her.

Brooke: ssx...could you sleep outside? I have a ...ehmmm..you know

Yup, that was the infamous “sleep together on the first date” story we've heard over the years afetr being single and horny for quite sometime. In Brooke's case, it wasn't even the first date. It was the first time she ever drove an hour into the city at 4 am to get a hot guy.

She told me the next day of how it was all so perfect. The drive, the man...the works. She told me that Kay told her he was the son of a politician, damn rich parents and he wouldve driven his sports car if it didnt break down and he had to send it to the mechanics.

Rule no 1:

When a guy tells you so much on the first date, like where he lives, what car he's driving and who their parents are...

it could only mean two things. First, he could be a very boring guy who had nothing else about themselves to talk about so he started talking about the things around him..

Or, most probably he's just lying.

As Brooke went on and on about the night which made her smile foolishly for more than a week, i thought to myself...maybe this is just a phase.. she's going through her post Big BU. But it didnt end there. Her driving in and out to town at 4 o'clock in the morning everynight to pick Kay, send him to work at 7 pm every night and sometimes even drive up further to the otherside of town to send him to his real parents. Yes, the policitian parents he talked about was actually his ex's parents. Strike one. The car was not true either. Strike two.

After awhile of dating Kay, i realized that Brooke hasnt been picking up my calls, or replying to my msgs. I found out that Kay has been keeping her at home, she cant go out and she cant see anyone especially me because apparently i was a bad influence. That shook me to my core.

But now, Kay is a much reasonable man. Still not my favourite, and if i could i would tell her to go out and look for more experience. Live life to the fullest and one day she might find someone better than Kay.

That's her choice. To live in uncertainty and trapped in her own choices. While she chose passion over stability, she seemed happy and fine and i'm happy when she's happy.

While me, i was still on the fence. I didn't know what i want. I do know that i dont think i'm a working kinda gal. But everyone thinks that way so it's unfair.

Pam on the other hand, didnt choose between passion and stability. She chose convenience. Stay at home, not work and no intentions of learning. I was at their place the whole weekend, and she confessed about her, her boyfriend Kyle and her life being an unemployed woman.

Pam: ssx, since i quit my job as a flight attendant, i feel useless staying at home all the time. And dating Kyle isn't helping. He controls where i go, what i do, where i work and more. Honestly, i cant stand it. I feel like i'm going stupid.

I told her to take the first step, that is to work. Regardless of what and where but she needs to leave home and start being indipendent. Me myself, i hate those who stay at home and wait for their prince charming with ferraris to come by and propose and after being married for a couple of years and the prince became not so charming anymore cuz he has started to cheat with another unemployed woman, they start to bitch about men and start the rumours that men are all the same.

Men are not all the same. I believe my real father was a good man, he just didnt have balls. My other father was a real man with balls but not enough bullets to have more children. Aiden was also a good man but he's just scared of commitment. So are they all the same?

No.

Pam and Brooke have been raised to know that all men are the same. That is, they cheat and they will cheat again. So they set that in their minds so now that they're out in the dating world, they include the cheating, drinking excessively and gambling factors into men. In that way, they became women who could take all the bullshits in the world.

So it made me think...are they compromising or just plain ignorant?

So all men will cheat eventually..but it's either they're rich or poor. I guess that's why they wait for their prince charming at home.

I told Pam to be her own man. Make monies, get rich and have a fabulous life. So instead of having a man to support us, give us what we dont have...we just make men as accessories. Something to have fun with. So when they're not around, we still have ourselves.

There goes the choices in life again. I believe that if we choose to be standing still...those who wanna run fast will pass us by without even looking back and only those who don't want to succeed will realize you're alive.

Maybe i dont know the meaning of love thus i never knew what compromise is. But right now, i want my girls to be fabulous. Come out of the dark corner and say “i'm a woman and i can take over the world!” - until PMS hits of course.

...

My passion awaits my on the other side of the door. Am i willing to open it and greet it gracefully? Or do i wanna stay on this side so that i wont have to think too much about struggling? My Boss is begging me to stay another 6 months and have been offering some great deals. But i'm moving to the city and by moving, i meant..have a new life. Life without stress and stupid new junior staff to throw their fat ass at me.

But sometimes i wonder....

Can we live in stability by living our passions?

ssx

Blue Lagoon of Music

Some say that life is like a box full of chocolate, some say life is like a piece of cake, well in my understanding, life right now is full of shit. While trying my best to look my most amazing self on the day i was going to the concert Lil was organizing, i couldn't take my mind off the fact that i get outed at about anything and everything.

I went there with Sean and Danny. Danny was Sean's roommie and though i only knew him by his infamous drug trafficking behaviour, we were already comfortable enough to have the lick-his-tattoos-intimate jokes. We picked up a workmate of mine, Sam who was really excited about checking out the home club, the only club big enough to accommodate the whole concert.

As we got there, there were so so many kids under the legal drinking age. Most were still rocking the classic black tee, sneakers with white socks, up to waistline stone washed jeans and even the 1999's sling bag which looked like the bags they brought to school.

As i was looking for my I'm-bored-Marlboros, i saw Boy...an ex boyfriend of mine who was responsible of my addiction to Lil and to the island. I dated him when i was 17 and he was one of those cool junkie band guys you'd want to have a taste of and just leave. He came over and said hi. Introduced me to his spiritual wife for the 100^th time, he asked me if i have seen Lil today. Of course i did. But he was too busy running around doing stuff.

The line of people queueing up to get the tickets got longer and thicker. We refused to be in the middle of those sweaty kids pushing each other as though the first hundred to go in would get to go upstairs to the VIP section. Wait a minute. I forgot that this whole scene has this equality stuff going on. So we waited by the side of the club as rain poured down on us. Sean asked...

Sean: sure we don't get to go in as one of the band guys, but we should get some acknowledgment for still being here to support the bands..since yearrrrsss ago

Sam: yea babe...i mean..you are kinda dating Lil

Ssx: guys, if i were Lil's girlfriend right now, you think we'd be standing here smoking our damped fags?

Sean: man..this sucks. I hope there's like a VIP area we could chill and have some drinks

Sam: Hun, it's open to all ages today. So i don't think the bar will be open

Ssx: what?!?! (lighting up another fag) huuuuuuu....what kinda concert is this? Now everyone's gonna be sober. Great! Just great!

As we walked in, i realized how Sam was being such a good friend. She doesn't drink and doesn't smoke but she was still trying her best to make us smile.

We reached the counter. I was looking into my purse for monies when suddenly..

Lorna: hey babe! How many tickets would you like to purchase?

Lorna? What is she doing in the ticket counter? In my heart i wanted to just leave the venue. But as i looked at Sam who didn't know what was happening and to see how excited her face was to go into the concert..

Ssx: 5 please. 3 going in now and 2 coming later.

Lorna: okay..enjoy the concert!

I had a thought, when did she become sooo important to Lil that she was invited to be one of the crew? And she was sitting in the glass window with Lil's mother and his elder brother. Have they suddenly become a family? I felt outed. But what am i expecting for? We haven't even had a proper dinner together and already I'm asking for a higher caste?

The concert was loud and really had the whole crowd going crazy. Since we were the last few who got in, we found ourselves standing near the bar. The bar which only served sodas. We couldn't see a thing from where we were standing so you could imagine how un-important we felt. From the backstage's gate i could see band guys, their girlfriends or just their good friends coming in and out of it.

I knew all of them but somehow very few said hi. Maybe because I'm not 'it' anymore or maybe because i got outed again. I've never felt more invisible in my life. Later, as we were bored sipping our sodas, Lil came over and kissed me and just started talking to Sean about how he was also frustrated that the bar was closed. He didn't even acknowledge my presence.

I took a deep breath and sent a msg to curly who was supposed to be at the concert hours ago. And then i thought...there are so many things playing in my mind. First, its the new job, second..moving to my new home....wait a minute! It's already the 11^th of November. How come Rossa hasn't called me? We were supposed to move into the new place on the 15^th.

Moving into a new home was the only thing that i could think about since few months ago. I was actually very excited and have sketched how my room was going to be like. Gathered some ideas and have been looking at Ikea for new furnitures.

So i wrote..“are we moving to the new place. Yes/no”

I waited for more than an hour for him to reply.

And he replied..”no”

What the fuck. I was so pissed its unbelievable. How could he do this to me? There had to be a reason why he did this to me. And i wanted to ask, but i guess it was so clear.

When he agreed that we were going to be living right next to each other, we were quite close. But as time goes by and he probably realized i wasn't into him as how he was into me...he scrapped it. It's amazing how a grown man could be so fucking childish. I warned him about how we might not going to end up with each other and how i might be seen with other men, and he sounded as if he was totally okay with it.

I thought of all the things we had with each other..as friends, there would be something i could cherish. I was wrong because now all the things he has ever done for me makes me feel like he was not really sincere and that he has always had some other intentions. I could smell it a mile away of sometimes, he was trying too hard. For me it's simple. It's either you're my kind, or you're not. There's no need to try.

For instance, a new guy at work said he was going to the concert. But when i told him i was interested in the organizer, he suddenly came down with a cold and couldn't make it.

It's getting scarier that now 70% of the male population has gone gay or bisexual, and the other 30 are just plain childish.

If Rossa was a good guy, he would've told me earlier. If Rossa really cared, he would've asked me if i was doing okay. If Rossa was a sincere guy, he wouldn't have waited till i ask - to tell me he wasn't moving. I was crushed. All these things need monies and planning. And now i have no where to go. I was thinking if i had to stay with my mom, then i had to sell off my furnitures and that takes time.

...

Suddenly i felt like going out of the club to get some fresh air. As we walked outside, i saw some t-shirts being sold. It says of Lil's company's name. I bought one.

Sean discovered that the terrace bar was open for dinner and alcohol was purchasable. All of us sat there and drank. While still pissed i decided to go in for the last time before i head back to my mom's. Lil's band was playing. It's so funny how he looked playing the percussions. Like a blind uncle with his black tinted sunglasses.

Then i walked out after less than 10 minutes of checking the band out. Why acknowledge him when he doesnt acknowledge me?

...

When i got home, i sent him a text msg..

“Great show. Great event. Proud of u :) ”

As usual, he didnt reply. Why would he? He has Lorna Es-strangle-u to talk to.

...

After two days of not being able to wake up for work, i went for an audition for a music tv host. I was supposed to go with Isaac but he had to cancel last minute due to some work stuff.

As i was getting ready, i cant help but to think about a dream i had the night before. It was so disturbing.

In the dream,

there was Dan, lil, Isaac, sweater, curly and i. We were all on the island and had just got out of the water. Dan looked so hot with no shirts on. I could see all 6 of his tattooes clearly. Then we got onto a van and Dan was sitting in front of me. He asked me to give him a massage. And so i did. Lil was so pissed.

When i woke up, i had a huge question mark on my head. What was that all about? I should say that i still believe in dreams and stuff like that.

...

It was confusing and it felt so wrong. Suddenly, i received a text message..

Dan: “Whatchu doing sexy?”

Ssx: “Nothing. Just thought about you. I dreamt that i was giving you a masage”

Dan: “Kinky. ”

Ssx: “it's disturbing me”

Dan: “We could talk about it if you want”

How many men have we ever come across, who really wanna talk? After that, i only could summarize something in mind. Lil has a thing for me, but was afraid i would break him. Dan is just an attraction and was distracting from my target. So now all i have to do is just go straight to Lil without any games or any beautiful men to distract me.

So i sent him my 100^th “what are you doing?”.

He replied...

Lil: “sending a friend back to the bus station. Whats up?”

Ssx: “havent heard from you since the concert”

While i was looking for a suitable bra to put on for the audition, he called..

Ssx: hey

Lil: hey whatchu doing?! (sounding excited)

Ssx: sorry i didnt have the courage to talk to you at the concert. You looked so stressed out and scary.

Lil: haha. Was i? Yea i was kinda busy. Sorry about that.

After a long conversation...he popped the question..

Lil: Why all of the sudden you text me?

Ssx: i wanted to ask you out. Its been so long. I kinda miss....

Lil: can i ask you something?

Ssx: yes.

Lil: If ever i'm free...ermm...could i...erm... call you?

There it was, the guy who's so damn shy, he had to take a minute to say one sentence.

Ssx: .....yea sure.

....

Yerp. For other guys, it wouldnt be so great. But for a guy like lil...its like he's proposing. I smiled and thought to myself, why have i felt so outed? The guy who i really like has had me in him for quite awhile. And thats all that matters.

I put on the t-shirt i bought at the concert. And the cheeky me texted him...

“by the way, i'm wearing your t-shirt”

He didnt reply of course, not because he was not interested. He doesnt like replying to msgs...that's just him.

I regret feeling low and having my emotions take over my sanity. About rossa, the concert, chinaman, the new job...

I'm moving to a new place next month. And i just proved to myself that i dont need any men to save me from sinking. I cant wait to move away and have a new life in the city.

And Rossa, dont worry. Hot girl's back.

Ssx

O-U-T

This morning, i woke up restless. Last night i couldn't put my eyes to sleep. Have i suddenly caught it again? I used to have the worst sleep disorder and the doctors told me i had too much to think. What is it with the world that i had to think about? I wasnt so sure until last week, when i was hit with an emotional tsunami of my own.

Thursday,

was the day i didnt have to work. So like other girls, i went back to my mom's and was actively doing chores around the house. I only wake up in the morning and suddenly become so diligent when i knew later that day i will have something interesting to do. The night before, curly called up saying

curly: whatchu doin?

Ssx: nothing. Not planning on going anywhere. And i'm trying to save up for some stuff so i purposely left my make up bag at my place. Wussup?

Curly: Lorna's playing at the bar tonite. Bet lil's gonna be there. What say you?

We're going.

Lorna. Where shall i start with her. When i started seeing lil few months ago, i realized there was a girl renting one of his rooms in his studio home. And it was lorna. Lorna was a girl who didnt have anything until she had multiple scandals here and there. I should say that my instincts are usually right. And my instincts are saying...she's trying to use lil. I used to play in the same gig with her band, which only consists of her and her annoying basisst. She plays the guitar. She looked like a girl who you would be cursing for looking so dumb. Yes, she's sweet and dumb-looking. Curly and i used to adore her until my guitarist, who was unlucky enough to let her into his pants and led him on for a long period of time and at last dumped him cold, told us that she was a bitch wearing a pussy's mask. We didnt really quite believe him until we saw her moving from one influential name to the other.

For a girl her age and very few friends, she has been the 'it' girl this season. Shows here and there, and she has been seen chillin with lil's crew, of course, she was staying with lil. I somehow wonder, where does she want herself to be?

I was very emotional knowing lil must've been so close to her like how i could never be with him. Looking at her pictures being close to him made me wonder.. why cant i be like that to him? Why cant we be comfortable like that? I met my guitarist for a brief session of new track listening in the car and he confirmed what has been playing in my mind.

Guitarist: yerp. She's sleeping with him

Ssx: noooooo...i dont think so. I was at lil's place all the time. And we were canoodling, making out on the couch and she was there.

Guitarist: ssx, look...i've been with many girls. And when i say many... i meant many. But of all the girls i've been with, Lorna is the most manipulative and she still got me u know. I had to run away from her or i'll fall in love with her all over again.

Poor guitarist. From the look in his face, i could see he was devastated by the fact that he got played by someone who looked pink. But on my side, i was worried. What if she's that good and had lil sprung over her fucking sweetness to just use him for her convenience. C'mon, i gotta give it to her. In merely 2 years, she had gone from a fat girl at open mic nites to slim figured guitar playing – rockstar chillin – orchestra backed up - 'it' band. Who the hell could do that?

....

Back to thursday, i knew my project band was playing that nite too, so while i was getting ready for the bar, i texted them saying i'm back and i wanna sing with them that nite. Since i've been absent for 2 months, i was ready to rock the stage. All i got was..

band: sorry, ssx! We found a new vocalist. We'd invite you to sing, but we're scared the others would be pissed

What? Pissed? I should be pissed here. I went to the bar at 9 and already started to drink by then. I needed some blurriness in my head to get me off this.

While curly arrived and we both sat by the bar, Lorna's band began to play. And to my surprise, she had a 5 piece set backing her up. And thats not the best part! Lil was the drummer!! arrghhhhh. And the other band members were from some old bands and i was thinking...

How did she do it? Lorna landed herself in a great band and i got outed!

She came down from the stage looking all proud and started saying hi to everybody. I ran to a table outside. With my second glass finishing, i said hi to lil. He was looking skinnier and i was looking tiny and flushed. We chilled for awhile and i told her how the band that was playing on the stage got me outed and i was really frustrated. With a scotch in his hand he asked me to chill. Suddenly, an old friend of mine whome i havent seen in a very long time joined us and said..

old friend: oh my god, ssx! Its been so long

ssx: yerp.

Old friend: i could barely recognize you without that spikey hair and the fishnet stockings! Haha

ssx: you too! You used to be a skinhead remember? And look at lil! He's skinny, yes?

Old friend: yea...everyone's changing and so are you. (looking at lil and pointing at me) she's getting fatter, dont you think?

I looked at lil and was laughing so hard. I didnt know whether it was because of the wine or was it because of the fact that i was trying so hard to cover the ongoing humiliation. But lil looked like he was trying hard not to make it worst. He just smiled and looked down to his glass.

We then head our separate ways that night. I had to leave before its too late. I was already planning on hugging him so tight and not to let go. And as usual, before i sleep...i sent him some words. Words i knew i would flick my owned forehead the next morning for being so stupid for sending them to him.

Saturday.

On Saturday, i was invited by Isaac, another notorious musician to an event for a hip music magazine he's working with. Since i was desperately looking for a new job, and somehow asked him if there was an opening at his company, he wanted to show me what the magazine was all about.

The magazine which became so popular since a year ago got to many's attention, including mine. And Isaac was the one responsible for the whole hype.

Aside from being the Art Director of the magazine, Isaac was also a dj, producer, guitarist, artist who had dated and married one of the top supermodels in the country. For someone who sets the trends, determines what's hot and what's not...isaac was not to be corrected. Though dealing with his post-big-BU he started to wander around the city looking for underaged girls to please him at his lonesome studio apartment.

We met light years ago and have been thinking of getting together as a couple but we both know that our patterns were very similar and how we both have so much in common on dealing with relationships, we thought we should wait some more. While waiting for the time to come, we kept contacting each other though nothing happened in between.

While being at the fabulous event, Sean who came with me was clearly having fun. As i was feeling lost and not so hot, i looked around and realized that i could never be able to be who i was. I lost my touch with the society. I doubt i could do a good job for the magazine. I dont want to chicken out because the challenge was something i yearned for almost 2 years already. I thought to myself, if things happen for a reason, then this would be for my bestfriend to get drunk and not to make me feel better at all.

But i was being a good support and stayed till the end. And somehow, curly was still not there yet. She was officially fashionably late. When Dan texted me saying he was going to stay home with his boxer briefs – to watch Heroes, i told Sean this wasn't my night. When Curly finally arrived, we went to the upperside and attended the most disturbing event of all. It was dedicated to those who sacrificed their souls to skinny jeans. I wasn't rocking the norms, i had my twiggy inspired silk dress with black pantyhose. The dress Dan was hoping to see me in. Too bad.

A jug of long island tea later, Sean went missing and in the packed club we figured he mustve been in the toilet waiting in a long line. Suddenly, while i was dancing along the music, someone came up to my face and started putting his arms around me.

Who the...owh...it was chinaman, a face i was trying to erase from my mind.

Chinaman: Hey darling! Miss me?

Trying to avoid the eye contact, and still in his arms i answered...

Ssx: yeah..kinda?

Chinaman: wait right here, i'm buying you another jug.

Sean came back and he looked weird.

Sean: hey...let's go back.

Ssx: whhh?!? chinaman just went to the packed bar to buy us another jug. We cant leave him like that!

Sean: but ssx...we really have to go.

With his small face and his big ears sitting on the big couch looking guilty like he had stolen another child's candy in the park.

Ssx: seannnnn...what did you do? Seannnnn

Sean: okay okay. I punched someone in the toilet!

Ssx: Sean!!!!

Sean: i was aiming and he purposely just pushed me to the wall. I got piss all over my palm so i got pissed and punched him.

Shit. Apparently sean was a kid who had stolen someone's candy and now he feels bad or maybe he's just scared that the guy will come back and kick his ass. Either way, i felt like that was my validation that nite.

When chinaman came back, i told him about what happened and that we had to leave. Him, being emotional and wanting to show his strength in front of girls, offered to give the guy another piece. But we just stopped him and insisted we leave the club before anything happened. While i was leaving..chinaman pulled me again and asked for a kiss. As usual, i gave a face and was trying as hard as possible to avoid my lips touching his. He just doesnt get it!

And at last he pulled me closer till i cant move and with my lips sealed tightly, i saw curly's disgusted face at the corner of my eyes. There it was...

THE WORST FIRST KISS EVERRRRRRRR

i pulled myself away from him and ran downstairs. Yuck! Yuck! It's not him...but how he pulled me so hard, it's wrong! Wrong!

There i am, that night..not just that night, this season. Doesnt seem to be mine. I get outed at the most disgraceful situations. Even the club outed us.

As i lay on my bed that night...i thought to myself, it's a big day for me tomorrow. And for Lil as well. Will i get outed again? And if i do... when will it stop?

Ssx

Lost In Both Worlds

They say that life in the city is way more fabulous than in other places. They were right. When i just got back from south partying my heart out last week, i came down with a major migraine. Very rare because of all the drugs i took, it should be more than cured by now. I was lying on my bed one night when i had the sudden urge to call someone. Anyone, no actually...Dan.

I totally forgot that i dont have his number. So i texted an aquaintance to ask for it. When a single gal wants to have fun, she doesnt care of what anyone would say.

The sms-es were cool and sexy. And we were really hitting it off.

Ssx: i forgot to tell you something the other day, you're so hot its making me uncomfortable thinking about you at night..

Dan: Can i make you more uncomfortable?

There it was, the most uncomfotably cute sms sent by someone i like. Dan always replies to my msgs, loves to know how i'm doing and definitely sweet. As usual, making him my latest object of obsession, i tend to send him text msgs everyday.

The next day, while getting ready for a halloween party i was obligated to attend and was a committee too, i told sweater who was in my room getting ready as well..

ssx: i'm going out with Dan tonite. I'm so excited!

Sweater: has he actually asked you out?

Ssx: no...but i'm sure he will soon.

Sweater: okay...whatever you say..

At the party, i was impressed with the turn out. Everybody was in their best costumes and they looked happy. I was supposed to be the photographer for the evening. I didnt know how to operate the camera so i end up being the model in everyone's photos and while some strangers took the pictures for us.

Rocking a blonde storm-like wig, i was get'n wiggy wid it and while my hair was fake, i wasnt faking my excitement to be there, even when i was there alone. After the party, i decided to join my married friend, Fary at a club in the city.

She invited me after we both realized that we haven't been out as often and the gossips were just about to explode if we waited another weekend to update each other. Fary was a girl who's just about another ordinary girl who found love at a very young age. I knew her through a bunch of friends Aiden made me chill with. At first, i thought she looked quite matured as the way she spoke to me. She has this one look that one day she just might be the wife of a rich lord o' something.

She looked as though she had it all. At that point of time, the city was suddenly flooded with wavy-haired-cock-sucking-freeloaders who were obviously not from the city. I thought she was one of them. I was wrong. Dead wrong.

She's not what i thought she was. She's just a gal who knew how to have fun and knew how to manage her bank account that she could kick in some nice coutures while doing it – despite being a student.

A friend of ours, a handsome 34 year old farmer was looking for a life partner and without any doubt, we introduced him to Fary. 3 months and a Bali trip later, they tied the knot. Fary, being the 22 year old girl still had the temptation of going out to clubs or just for gossip-coffees with her girls just like any other 20 somethings would do.

So i walked up the exclusive club with the dress i wore for the album cover, nice make up and i was ready to party. Fary, looking all gorgeous brought me straight to the bar as if we were running out of time. She then blurted,

Fary: okay...Aiden's spinning tonight

I looked around and there he was, in the console. He saw me and came by to say hi. It was all very clear at that very moment that we are really really single and meeting each other up accidentally was the best way to keep it that way.

Fary introduced me to the birthday boys who turned out to be one of my cousin's friends' ex-girlfriend. That's how it works nowadays – you can't swing a Fendi purse without hitting one of anyone's exes.

The birthday boys took the liberty of ordering few bottles of champagne. While trying to be friendly at a party i wasn't exactly been invited to, some really good looking men passed us by. Some sat with us, some were already too drunk to realize we were there. Looking at all the beautiful people around us, i thought - some might think this is the best crowd to party with. Everyone was either extremely successful at a very young age – their 30 somethings, or maybe inherited some very seemed to be unfair load of money or just plain gorgeous and somehow would make us predict that they will succeed one day. They were the perfect bachelors.

As the champagne bottles emptied one by one, i learnt that most would spark a conversation with..

“Fary! I cant believe you got married!”

“I just got divorced...”

“My wife is at home cuz we just had a baby”

“This is my wife..”

I was officially the only single gal there in a party full of marrieds. But then i had a thought..

What constitutes marriage these days? Isnt it supposed to be the end of your party life? If we get to go out as how we did when we were single, what's the difference?

Some say that when you're married, it's time you concentrate more on your marriage, means stay home, cook, do dishes, laundry and everything we thought we never had the time to do.

Some say that when you're married, and if your better half is cool enough, you get to party together and it'd be safer knowing both will go back with the same person.

Some, i can see...have their better halves at home watching tv or play the PS3. Very often these days that i always get to party with married couples and they seemed fine.

I stepped out of the club when i realized it was already 3 am. Aiden left with a dj friend. And i was looking for Fary. Somehow, a married gal is more to be taken care of rather than a single one. I had to, just in case some forgets their married status.

When i found her, she was asking if she could get a ride with me. I was going east and she was to go west. And as mush as i wanted to, it was already so late and i hate driving at night – alone.

We called aiden to know whether he was still in the area and luckily he was. He was having supper at a nearby restaurant. We stopped by to plan on how Fary was gonna go back. I'm never a fan of a late night supper after a club nite. It just feels so wrong. While your thick make up feels gorgeous in the darkness of the club, it wouldnt look so nice in the bright lights of a restaurant. And people will look at you - up and down with your breath smells strongly of alcohol. It's just ick.

Since i guess Dan was already drunk somewhere in someone elses car (with the way he didnt reply to my msg), I had to be there for Fary since i kinda know how it feels like to be alone and nowhere to go. She doesnt drive so its even worst.

After supper, she called a male friend to pick her up there. So it goes back to the question raised...what constitutes marriage?

...

On Saturday, i was all dressed up to attend to a dinner party a cousin invited me to. I wore a black poofy dress with stones and a rather huge diamond ring – fake one of course. I was planning to make a joke about how i dont have a date and just say that “i'm engaged! - to myself”. Before anyone could ever start asking “where's aiden?” or “why didnt you invite aiden?”

I left the dinner party feeling like i needed to party more. So on my way back, i was hoping to get to see Dan, so i texted him... he replied funny. Or so i thought.

I tried to call just about everyone, but everyone was not free. With my make up still fresh, i went home to my comfy bed, took off my clothes and just lie there. This is what happens when you put yourself out there.

...

The next day i went to a friend's place. Her name is Brooke. Brooke was my bestfriend since school. Like curly and i, we were inseparable. My relationship with Brooke was very different from my relationship with curly. Brooke is a not-so single girl who has not left her parents place since high school. I used to go to her place which was near to mine after school. She was absent at about 60% of the days throughout the whole year. Since i couldnt skip school or my dad's driver will tell on me, so i had no chance but to see her after school.

When the whole school decided to go to college except for Brooke, who wanted to extend another year in school, we didnt get to see each other as much. But when i was 19 and was desperately trying to look for help with my intoxications, i ran to her parents place – it's time for rehab!

Being young and was desperately trying to lose the bad habit, i got hooked on alcohol. I remember sneaking into her house at about 6 am and fell tumbling down her stairs and woke everyone up. Haha.

So now that we've grown but she's still there and still the same, i couldnt help but to still want to know how she's doing. We had a talk about the men in my life. In her life, there's only two..Kay and her father (i'll get to this, promise). Her loyalness to Kay is never to speak of.

After realizing brooke was not fond of the description i gave about Dan, she then asked me...

Brooke: do you wanna be with a guy like this, ssx?

Ssx: yea..he's really nice!

Brooke: He has tattoes all over his body, c'mon ssx...these kinda guys can never be the guy we could marry

On a second thought, it's not really about the tattoo. It's because of the pain he's bound to cause me which made it looked interesting and worth trying.

So i sent him a text msg..

Ssx: Excuse me dear sir, when are you bringing me out?

Dan: i gotta be honest to you kid, i dont feel comfortable bringing a friend's ex out. I'm that kinda guy.

WOW! Wouldnt it be easier if all the men in this world could just say it.

“I'M JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU”

6 words which could spare us all the thinking, the time and energy and the confusion. When i told Brooke of what he said, Brooke said ..

Brooke: see, he's an asshole, hunny. Forget about him..let's find you a nice conservative guy.

He's not asshole. He had just been the world's gutsiest man on earth. I smiled and thought to myself. Married, single, happy, lonely or whatever we are...we're just the same. We will resort to feeling like each of us once in awhile.

Just that at the end of the day...which title are you willing carry?

And when it comes to not being in a relationship, can we be single but still have sex actively like those in a relationship?

ssx