Some say that life is like a box full of chocolate, some say life is like a piece of cake, well in my understanding, life right now is full of shit. While trying my best to look my most amazing self on the day i was going to the concert Lil was organizing, i couldn't take my mind off the fact that i get outed at about anything and everything.
I went there with Sean and Danny. Danny was Sean's roommie and though i only knew him by his infamous drug trafficking behaviour, we were already comfortable enough to have the lick-his-tattoos-intimate jokes. We picked up a workmate of mine, Sam who was really excited about checking out the home club, the only club big enough to accommodate the whole concert.
As we got there, there were so so many kids under the legal drinking age. Most were still rocking the classic black tee, sneakers with white socks, up to waistline stone washed jeans and even the 1999's sling bag which looked like the bags they brought to school.
As i was looking for my I'm-bored-Marlboros, i saw Boy...an ex boyfriend of mine who was responsible of my addiction to Lil and to the island. I dated him when i was 17 and he was one of those cool junkie band guys you'd want to have a taste of and just leave. He came over and said hi. Introduced me to his spiritual wife for the 100th time, he asked me if i have seen Lil today. Of course i did. But he was too busy running around doing stuff.
The line of people queueing up to get the tickets got longer and thicker. We refused to be in the middle of those sweaty kids pushing each other as though the first hundred to go in would get to go upstairs to the VIP section. Wait a minute. I forgot that this whole scene has this equality stuff going on. So we waited by the side of the club as rain poured down on us. Sean asked...
Sean: sure we don't get to go in as one of the band guys, but we should get some acknowledgment for still being here to support the bands..since yearrrrsss ago
Sam: yea babe...i mean..you are kinda dating Lil
Ssx: guys, if i were Lil's girlfriend right now, you think we'd be standing here smoking our damped fags?
Sean: man..this sucks. I hope there's like a VIP area we could chill and have some drinks
Sam: Hun, it's open to all ages today. So i don't think the bar will be open
Ssx: what?!?! (lighting up another fag) huuuuuuu....what kinda concert is this? Now everyone's gonna be sober. Great! Just great!
As we walked in, i realized how Sam was being such a good friend. She doesn't drink and doesn't smoke but she was still trying her best to make us smile.
We reached the counter. I was looking into my purse for monies when suddenly..
Lorna: hey babe! How many tickets would you like to purchase?
Lorna? What is she doing in the ticket counter? In my heart i wanted to just leave the venue. But as i looked at Sam who didn't know what was happening and to see how excited her face was to go into the concert..
Ssx: 5 please. 3 going in now and 2 coming later.
Lorna: okay..enjoy the concert!
I had a thought, when did she become sooo important to Lil that she was invited to be one of the crew? And she was sitting in the glass window with Lil's mother and his elder brother. Have they suddenly become a family? I felt outed. But what am i expecting for? We haven't even had a proper dinner together and already I'm asking for a higher caste?
The concert was loud and really had the whole crowd going crazy. Since we were the last few who got in, we found ourselves standing near the bar. The bar which only served sodas. We couldn't see a thing from where we were standing so you could imagine how un-important we felt. From the backstage's gate i could see band guys, their girlfriends or just their good friends coming in and out of it.
I knew all of them but somehow very few said hi. Maybe because I'm not 'it' anymore or maybe because i got outed again. I've never felt more invisible in my life. Later, as we were bored sipping our sodas, Lil came over and kissed me and just started talking to Sean about how he was also frustrated that the bar was closed. He didn't even acknowledge my presence.
I took a deep breath and sent a msg to curly who was supposed to be at the concert hours ago. And then i thought...there are so many things playing in my mind. First, its the new job, second..moving to my new home....wait a minute! It's already the 11th of November. How come Rossa hasn't called me? We were supposed to move into the new place on the 15th.
Moving into a new home was the only thing that i could think about since few months ago. I was actually very excited and have sketched how my room was going to be like. Gathered some ideas and have been looking at Ikea for new furnitures.
So i wrote..“are we moving to the new place. Yes/no”
I waited for more than an hour for him to reply.
And he replied..”no”
What the fuck. I was so pissed its unbelievable. How could he do this to me? There had to be a reason why he did this to me. And i wanted to ask, but i guess it was so clear.
When he agreed that we were going to be living right next to each other, we were quite close. But as time goes by and he probably realized i wasn't into him as how he was into me...he scrapped it. It's amazing how a grown man could be so fucking childish. I warned him about how we might not going to end up with each other and how i might be seen with other men, and he sounded as if he was totally okay with it.
I thought of all the things we had with each other..as friends, there would be something i could cherish. I was wrong because now all the things he has ever done for me makes me feel like he was not really sincere and that he has always had some other intentions. I could smell it a mile away of sometimes, he was trying too hard. For me it's simple. It's either you're my kind, or you're not. There's no need to try.
For instance, a new guy at work said he was going to the concert. But when i told him i was interested in the organizer, he suddenly came down with a cold and couldn't make it.
It's getting scarier that now 70% of the male population has gone gay or bisexual, and the other 30 are just plain childish.
If Rossa was a good guy, he would've told me earlier. If Rossa really cared, he would've asked me if i was doing okay. If Rossa was a sincere guy, he wouldn't have waited till i ask - to tell me he wasn't moving. I was crushed. All these things need monies and planning. And now i have no where to go. I was thinking if i had to stay with my mom, then i had to sell off my furnitures and that takes time.
...
Suddenly i felt like going out of the club to get some fresh air. As we walked outside, i saw some t-shirts being sold. It says of Lil's company's name. I bought one.
Sean discovered that the terrace bar was open for dinner and alcohol was purchasable. All of us sat there and drank. While still pissed i decided to go in for the last time before i head back to my mom's. Lil's band was playing. It's so funny how he looked playing the percussions. Like a blind uncle with his black tinted sunglasses.
Then i walked out after less than 10 minutes of checking the band out. Why acknowledge him when he doesnt acknowledge me?
...
When i got home, i sent him a text msg..
“Great show. Great event. Proud of u :) ”
As usual, he didnt reply. Why would he? He has Lorna Es-strangle-u to talk to.
...
After two days of not being able to wake up for work, i went for an audition for a music tv host. I was supposed to go with Isaac but he had to cancel last minute due to some work stuff.
As i was getting ready, i cant help but to think about a dream i had the night before. It was so disturbing.
In the dream,
there was Dan, lil, Isaac, sweater, curly and i. We were all on the island and had just got out of the water. Dan looked so hot with no shirts on. I could see all 6 of his tattooes clearly. Then we got onto a van and Dan was sitting in front of me. He asked me to give him a massage. And so i did. Lil was so pissed.
When i woke up, i had a huge question mark on my head. What was that all about? I should say that i still believe in dreams and stuff like that.
...
It was confusing and it felt so wrong. Suddenly, i received a text message..
Dan: “Whatchu doing sexy?”
Ssx: “Nothing. Just thought about you. I dreamt that i was giving you a masage”
Dan: “Kinky. ”
Ssx: “it's disturbing me”
Dan: “We could talk about it if you want”
How many men have we ever come across, who really wanna talk? After that, i only could summarize something in mind. Lil has a thing for me, but was afraid i would break him. Dan is just an attraction and was distracting from my target. So now all i have to do is just go straight to Lil without any games or any beautiful men to distract me.
So i sent him my 100th “what are you doing?”.
He replied...
Lil: “sending a friend back to the bus station. Whats up?”
Ssx: “havent heard from you since the concert”
While i was looking for a suitable bra to put on for the audition, he called..
Ssx: hey
Lil: hey whatchu doing?! (sounding excited)
Ssx: sorry i didnt have the courage to talk to you at the concert. You looked so stressed out and scary.
Lil: haha. Was i? Yea i was kinda busy. Sorry about that.
After a long conversation...he popped the question..
Lil: Why all of the sudden you text me?
Ssx: i wanted to ask you out. Its been so long. I kinda miss....
Lil: can i ask you something?
Ssx: yes.
Lil: If ever i'm free...ermm...could i...erm... call you?
There it was, the guy who's so damn shy, he had to take a minute to say one sentence.
Ssx: .....yea sure.
....
Yerp. For other guys, it wouldnt be so great. But for a guy like lil...its like he's proposing. I smiled and thought to myself, why have i felt so outed? The guy who i really like has had me in him for quite awhile. And thats all that matters.
I put on the t-shirt i bought at the concert. And the cheeky me texted him...
“by the way, i'm wearing your t-shirt”
He didnt reply of course, not because he was not interested. He doesnt like replying to msgs...that's just him.
I regret feeling low and having my emotions take over my sanity. About rossa, the concert, chinaman, the new job...
I'm moving to a new place next month. And i just proved to myself that i dont need any men to save me from sinking. I cant wait to move away and have a new life in the city.
And Rossa, dont worry. Hot girl's back.
Ssx
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