O-U-T

This morning, i woke up restless. Last night i couldn't put my eyes to sleep. Have i suddenly caught it again? I used to have the worst sleep disorder and the doctors told me i had too much to think. What is it with the world that i had to think about? I wasnt so sure until last week, when i was hit with an emotional tsunami of my own.

Thursday,

was the day i didnt have to work. So like other girls, i went back to my mom's and was actively doing chores around the house. I only wake up in the morning and suddenly become so diligent when i knew later that day i will have something interesting to do. The night before, curly called up saying

curly: whatchu doin?

Ssx: nothing. Not planning on going anywhere. And i'm trying to save up for some stuff so i purposely left my make up bag at my place. Wussup?

Curly: Lorna's playing at the bar tonite. Bet lil's gonna be there. What say you?

We're going.

Lorna. Where shall i start with her. When i started seeing lil few months ago, i realized there was a girl renting one of his rooms in his studio home. And it was lorna. Lorna was a girl who didnt have anything until she had multiple scandals here and there. I should say that my instincts are usually right. And my instincts are saying...she's trying to use lil. I used to play in the same gig with her band, which only consists of her and her annoying basisst. She plays the guitar. She looked like a girl who you would be cursing for looking so dumb. Yes, she's sweet and dumb-looking. Curly and i used to adore her until my guitarist, who was unlucky enough to let her into his pants and led him on for a long period of time and at last dumped him cold, told us that she was a bitch wearing a pussy's mask. We didnt really quite believe him until we saw her moving from one influential name to the other.

For a girl her age and very few friends, she has been the 'it' girl this season. Shows here and there, and she has been seen chillin with lil's crew, of course, she was staying with lil. I somehow wonder, where does she want herself to be?

I was very emotional knowing lil must've been so close to her like how i could never be with him. Looking at her pictures being close to him made me wonder.. why cant i be like that to him? Why cant we be comfortable like that? I met my guitarist for a brief session of new track listening in the car and he confirmed what has been playing in my mind.

Guitarist: yerp. She's sleeping with him

Ssx: noooooo...i dont think so. I was at lil's place all the time. And we were canoodling, making out on the couch and she was there.

Guitarist: ssx, look...i've been with many girls. And when i say many... i meant many. But of all the girls i've been with, Lorna is the most manipulative and she still got me u know. I had to run away from her or i'll fall in love with her all over again.

Poor guitarist. From the look in his face, i could see he was devastated by the fact that he got played by someone who looked pink. But on my side, i was worried. What if she's that good and had lil sprung over her fucking sweetness to just use him for her convenience. C'mon, i gotta give it to her. In merely 2 years, she had gone from a fat girl at open mic nites to slim figured guitar playing – rockstar chillin – orchestra backed up - 'it' band. Who the hell could do that?

....

Back to thursday, i knew my project band was playing that nite too, so while i was getting ready for the bar, i texted them saying i'm back and i wanna sing with them that nite. Since i've been absent for 2 months, i was ready to rock the stage. All i got was..

band: sorry, ssx! We found a new vocalist. We'd invite you to sing, but we're scared the others would be pissed

What? Pissed? I should be pissed here. I went to the bar at 9 and already started to drink by then. I needed some blurriness in my head to get me off this.

While curly arrived and we both sat by the bar, Lorna's band began to play. And to my surprise, she had a 5 piece set backing her up. And thats not the best part! Lil was the drummer!! arrghhhhh. And the other band members were from some old bands and i was thinking...

How did she do it? Lorna landed herself in a great band and i got outed!

She came down from the stage looking all proud and started saying hi to everybody. I ran to a table outside. With my second glass finishing, i said hi to lil. He was looking skinnier and i was looking tiny and flushed. We chilled for awhile and i told her how the band that was playing on the stage got me outed and i was really frustrated. With a scotch in his hand he asked me to chill. Suddenly, an old friend of mine whome i havent seen in a very long time joined us and said..

old friend: oh my god, ssx! Its been so long

ssx: yerp.

Old friend: i could barely recognize you without that spikey hair and the fishnet stockings! Haha

ssx: you too! You used to be a skinhead remember? And look at lil! He's skinny, yes?

Old friend: yea...everyone's changing and so are you. (looking at lil and pointing at me) she's getting fatter, dont you think?

I looked at lil and was laughing so hard. I didnt know whether it was because of the wine or was it because of the fact that i was trying so hard to cover the ongoing humiliation. But lil looked like he was trying hard not to make it worst. He just smiled and looked down to his glass.

We then head our separate ways that night. I had to leave before its too late. I was already planning on hugging him so tight and not to let go. And as usual, before i sleep...i sent him some words. Words i knew i would flick my owned forehead the next morning for being so stupid for sending them to him.

Saturday.

On Saturday, i was invited by Isaac, another notorious musician to an event for a hip music magazine he's working with. Since i was desperately looking for a new job, and somehow asked him if there was an opening at his company, he wanted to show me what the magazine was all about.

The magazine which became so popular since a year ago got to many's attention, including mine. And Isaac was the one responsible for the whole hype.

Aside from being the Art Director of the magazine, Isaac was also a dj, producer, guitarist, artist who had dated and married one of the top supermodels in the country. For someone who sets the trends, determines what's hot and what's not...isaac was not to be corrected. Though dealing with his post-big-BU he started to wander around the city looking for underaged girls to please him at his lonesome studio apartment.

We met light years ago and have been thinking of getting together as a couple but we both know that our patterns were very similar and how we both have so much in common on dealing with relationships, we thought we should wait some more. While waiting for the time to come, we kept contacting each other though nothing happened in between.

While being at the fabulous event, Sean who came with me was clearly having fun. As i was feeling lost and not so hot, i looked around and realized that i could never be able to be who i was. I lost my touch with the society. I doubt i could do a good job for the magazine. I dont want to chicken out because the challenge was something i yearned for almost 2 years already. I thought to myself, if things happen for a reason, then this would be for my bestfriend to get drunk and not to make me feel better at all.

But i was being a good support and stayed till the end. And somehow, curly was still not there yet. She was officially fashionably late. When Dan texted me saying he was going to stay home with his boxer briefs – to watch Heroes, i told Sean this wasn't my night. When Curly finally arrived, we went to the upperside and attended the most disturbing event of all. It was dedicated to those who sacrificed their souls to skinny jeans. I wasn't rocking the norms, i had my twiggy inspired silk dress with black pantyhose. The dress Dan was hoping to see me in. Too bad.

A jug of long island tea later, Sean went missing and in the packed club we figured he mustve been in the toilet waiting in a long line. Suddenly, while i was dancing along the music, someone came up to my face and started putting his arms around me.

Who the...owh...it was chinaman, a face i was trying to erase from my mind.

Chinaman: Hey darling! Miss me?

Trying to avoid the eye contact, and still in his arms i answered...

Ssx: yeah..kinda?

Chinaman: wait right here, i'm buying you another jug.

Sean came back and he looked weird.

Sean: hey...let's go back.

Ssx: whhh?!? chinaman just went to the packed bar to buy us another jug. We cant leave him like that!

Sean: but ssx...we really have to go.

With his small face and his big ears sitting on the big couch looking guilty like he had stolen another child's candy in the park.

Ssx: seannnnn...what did you do? Seannnnn

Sean: okay okay. I punched someone in the toilet!

Ssx: Sean!!!!

Sean: i was aiming and he purposely just pushed me to the wall. I got piss all over my palm so i got pissed and punched him.

Shit. Apparently sean was a kid who had stolen someone's candy and now he feels bad or maybe he's just scared that the guy will come back and kick his ass. Either way, i felt like that was my validation that nite.

When chinaman came back, i told him about what happened and that we had to leave. Him, being emotional and wanting to show his strength in front of girls, offered to give the guy another piece. But we just stopped him and insisted we leave the club before anything happened. While i was leaving..chinaman pulled me again and asked for a kiss. As usual, i gave a face and was trying as hard as possible to avoid my lips touching his. He just doesnt get it!

And at last he pulled me closer till i cant move and with my lips sealed tightly, i saw curly's disgusted face at the corner of my eyes. There it was...

THE WORST FIRST KISS EVERRRRRRRR

i pulled myself away from him and ran downstairs. Yuck! Yuck! It's not him...but how he pulled me so hard, it's wrong! Wrong!

There i am, that night..not just that night, this season. Doesnt seem to be mine. I get outed at the most disgraceful situations. Even the club outed us.

As i lay on my bed that night...i thought to myself, it's a big day for me tomorrow. And for Lil as well. Will i get outed again? And if i do... when will it stop?

Ssx