What are we fighting for?

I just got back from a karaoke session with a bunch of business partners I made about 2 days ago. Yes, since 2 days ago, I have become a self employed businesswoman. It sounded cool and I loved the idea of me learning new things, meeting new people, having new friends.

Lately, it seemed that everything around me was working against my effort of trying to be positive. All the men who got close are now astray and all the things I hoped for – went out of the window.

Remember the times when we were younger and all we ever worry about was trying not to pick a fight with a classmate, a teacher, siblings or even our parents? Now that we are older, it’s all about fighting what’s within us.

Since Terry came back, I felt like I was being outed. It’s not like i have feelings for him, but when a man gave his best at the initial part of a particular relationship, women will have a certain expectation throughout the journey. And when they don’t perform as they should, women will become paranoid and disappointed. Some women might say they don’t feel that way and they could really be okay with it, but 2% of their hearts will soar eventually.

Terry started of with full of energy and passion towards me and I was beginning to feel comfortable in that zone. Meaning I will always know he will always be around me. Physically or emotionally. But when he started his shoot being the co-producer for the series, he became..cold. I became a needy chick whom I was not and started to pester him since he didn’t see me for over a week. This should not be good. At the very early stage of getting to know each other, we have become one of those couples who fights over the phone at night and usually ended with one of the party slamming down the poor old phone.

Why does this happen? Number one, when starting off a relationship regardless of whether it was a real commitment to romance or just sex or even between 2 new made friends, it is advisable that both parties should give in just a moderate amount of everything.

Example, when you meet a guy, DO NOT let him know that you really like him. That is of course, if you do. Play the guessing game and you will find that the duration would last longer than a one night stand.

Second, DO NOT sleep with him too soon. When someone has seen not only your naked body but also has tasted more than just your lips, they have the license of imagining you in that situation whenever they like. There will be no more surprises, no more excitements to look forward to. Yes, I know that it will be difficult for you not to do stuff on a guy you just met at a bar who looked like Wentworth Miller, but whether you only want him for the night or forever, you have to restraint yourself from the temptation.

Third, NEVER EVER reveal too much too soon. From your sex life to your exes to your Keep it to yourself and you will find that when it reached the 5^th month of knowing that person, you still have things to talk about.

Of course, I didn’t do the things listed above. I went straight into their pants and play the ‘oops-I-slept-with-him-too-soon-because-I-thought-he-was-worth-it’ card. As they said, if you want to buy a car, you should take it for a test drive. And sadly, the cars usually don’t perform well.

That was the main mistake I made in most of the relationships I had. Terry was the latest addition. When he finally got back into my room, the air became suffocating. We used to joke around about things, watch movies and fall asleep in each other’s arms. Spend hours talking about fashion and again, fall asleep. But this time around it was different. The internet got cut off, there were no interesting movies to watch together and he became one big asshole.

The finger situation. Some homes are flooded with physical stuff, while others have to drain the emotional flood. One night, after a long day with the council, I picked up Terry from his place because he said ,”I wanna come home tonight”. While doing my nails in front of this very laptop which was playing SATC (the episode where SJP was dating Aiden Shaw). Terry was lying on the bed when..

“Babe! Check out SJP’s tits! They’re awesome”

“excuse me?”, looking at him with full of exclamation marks on my forehead instead of questions.

“rewind it! I wanna show you her tits”

“No!”

“why not?!”

“because I watch this episode every fucking night. I could know Chris Noth’s dick size if I wanted to”

I went into the bathroom and slammed the door. The truth was, I couldn’t handle the disrespectful words which came out of his mouth. With my expressions so obvious, I thought he would be clever enough to cover his mistaken words. Yes, SJP’s tits are amazing and even Mylo knew that but when the guy you’re sort of seeing says that in your face at exactly 4.23 am, you’d be mad for sure.

I came out with anger. I tried to look at the positive side. At least this could be the most perfect time for me to dump him. Or this could also be the time to prove to him and myself that all the things I overlooked all this while even when most of the people have already warned me, are true eventually. But instead, I did the SSX way.

“it could be me, but this is not working for me. I sometimes, I repeat – SOMETIMES feel that you don’t respect me, as a woman. I could be the coolest girl you’ve ever met who could talk about anything at all with my guy friends, but that’s between my friends and I. But when a guy I’m seeing talks to me like I’m one of the boys, it’s weird and wrong. Like the other night, when I asked you whether it was okay for me to take pills with coke jokingly and you gave me a fucking finger in my face…what did you expect me to feel? Yes, I do realize that this thing we’re having isn’t exclusive and I don’t want it to be anyway but please, if you can’t respect me as much, at least acknowledge me as a girl you just met and that fingers are definitely not permitted in their faces.”

I was expecting him to respond maturely but instead he said..

“I want to go home”

He stood up and started to pack his stuff. At that point it was already 5 am and if he wanted to go home, I would have to drive him. I thought, if I take him as an adult, as I always do, it could end with such a mess. I could be screaming trying to make him admit that he was wrong as how an adult shouldn’t be acting. But at that very moment, I just realized that I’m dealing with someone younger, someone who would never understand what respect is all about. What’s arguing and what’s debating. What’s a fight and what’s problem solving.

So what was I fighting for? My pride?

“I’m sorry Terry, but you were so sweet when we met and I never expected you to be this rude now. Remember how you were when we first met? You were sexy, smart and respectful ”

And just as I thought I was making my point and that I was on the very accurate side of the wall…

“do you remember how YOU were when we first met?”

I was left speechless. What happened to me? Why have I become so paranoid, so needy and so so so not like the singing supermodel I was? I went into the bathroom. Leaving the tap water running as I sat on the toilet seat smoking my Marlboros. That was my very favourite thing to do whenever I had fights with Aiden when we were together.

When I came out, and as I was crawling into bed, Terry opened his arms and took me back into his nook. Where it felt nice and safe. He then kissed my head and said softly, “I’m sorry”.

I knew he was but I always believed that when men say they understand, they don’t. They just want to cut the fight short and go to sleep. Because even when they say they will try to understand, there is no such thing as trying. It’s either they do or they don’t. In Terry’s case, he didn’t I assumed but I knew he was trying his best to make me feel better. We made up and it felt as though we have reached the next level of communicating…in bed at least.

I sometimes wonder, why do most people say that make-up-sex is the best. Why cant sex after a lovely dinner be just as fastastic? Have fights suddenly become the next best foreplay? My best encounters in sex would be with the worst boyfriends. The ones who treated me badly. The ones who didn’t make me happy. The ones similar to Terry.

The one person who could hide her feelings the best, Curly was fighting her way through trying not to break up with Hammy. She kept on sending me text messages saying she loved Hammy so bad but where could her dysfunctional (in her words) relationship go? I, on the other hand fought the urges of replying to the messages to avoid being the accomplice in her personal life. And plus, I was broke that I couldn’t make any calls or send text messages.

One night when Terry was out partying with his celeb friends, Aiden called. He told me something I never thought I’d hear from him. He’s now seeing a new girl. Yea, yea. I have been with more than 3 guys after him but I was still selfish and I cant take him having anew person in his life. I couldn’t fight the feeling. The feeling which could bring us back to where we were. A complete mess. As much as I thought I could fight the negative side of me, I couldn’t. I could fight with a girl over a tutu skirt at a Topshop in Singapore but this, I couldn’t handle.

As I flip through the glued pages of my past, I couldn’t help but wonder, could a relationship survive without fights? Could we fight the feelings we have in us?

And further more, when it comes to relationships, what are we fighting for?

ssx

Right this very moment

Right this very moment, Shopper, her friends and I are sitting at Starbucks with only one drink . One drink for me and the others didn’t dare to buy coffee since we just had an expensive Italian dinner earlier. I didn’t pay.

Why am I here? Because I don’t have internet connection at home anymore. My nextdoor neighbour decided to put password on their wireless connection.

Starbucks, any Starbucks always make me nervous. I don’t know why. When asking for drinks, I’m scared I would say the wrong things, spill the coffee or even trip on my imaginary Manolo’s.

Why do people need to drink fancy named coffee’s anyway? I thought. But then again, why do I like drinking fancy named cocktails? Even if it tastes like shit, I would still order because the names sound so tempting. Sex on the beach. Who wouldn’t want it?

It’s something about me and drinks. I don’t drink while I eat but I still order because everyone has a drink and I tend to order eventhough I will only drink it when the ice has melted.

I don’t know much about alcohol. I loved them, still do. But I was not brought up in a house where drinking alcohol over dinner was normal. All I know is that I love my Cosmopolitan, Lychee Martini and Long Island Tea. Maybe those are the only drinks I knew or maybe because Sex and The City portrays how posh and glamorous it looks drinking martinis.

Curly is at Pallate partying soberly like she always is. She invited me but I just got my period and I’m having the worst cramps ever. Plus, I’m running of cash, it’s scary.

Terry arrived in the city this morning.

Ssx: I registered your name for tonight’s private party at Pallate.

Terry: ick. I don’t think I wanna go.

Ssx: Okay then.

Terry: Are you going?

Ssx: yes.

Terry: don’t go.

What? Now he’s telling me what to do? No way! I’m not just running out of cash. I’m running out on ideas to write. See? Read again from the top and you can see how period cramps can make me so boring. Isaac has been quiet. Aiden came over the other day to visit Mylo. He was injured while doing a flip from a cliff down to a waterfall. Clever. What was a 28 year old DJ and an IT manager doing at the waterfall and was jumping off cliffs? He hit rock bottom literally.

Last few nights, while I was on the intoxicating world wide web, Curly texted me asking me to join her and Guitarist at Guitarist’s place for some soppy love movies. Without thinking I replied..

“sure I’ll be there”

Guitarist’s place is about 6 minutes away, so I thought I could drop by. Shopper came by with some problems to talk about with me when Lil texted me asking me to come over Raggae Bar.

Lil (sigh). And I never sigh! He has been texting me at 6 am saying “go to sleep”. He knew me too well. And he knew exactly how to make me smile. I have been sleeping at 8 am everyday. My world has turned upside down.

At Raggae Bar, Curly called..

Curly: Where are you?!

Ssx: Shit! I forgot about the movie, babe. I’m sorry.

Curly: where are you going?

Ssx: I’m with shopper. Going to Raggae Bar.

I didn’t have the guts to tell her Lil was the one who invited us. She would kill me!

Curly: I’ll see you there. Guitarist is coming. He insisted on us going for a ride in his new vintage BMW anyway.

At the bar, Lil was already drunk. Putting his arms around me…I mean my ass. He asked me to sit on his lap and more. His friend who was at the hotel when I joined Lil last few weeks, was there too.

Lil’s friend: why is Lil so excited? He wasn’t like this just now! Maybe he’s excited to see you ssx.

Maybe, I thought. Or maybe he was too drunk he couldn’t remember who I was. When Curly got there with guitarist, we both screamed..

Curly and I: Fuuuuuuck!!!!!

Guess what? We were wearing the same t-shirt, the t-shirts we bought few weeks at the Art Market. Curly was swearing when I insisted we wore the t-shirts together, and now we did it without planning it. We even wore the same beanies, beads and grey skinny jeans.

After a drink, we walked outside and Lil was trying to convince Shopper and the others to go to his place to drink more. What he meant was, he wanted me to go back to his place. Because if the others weren’t going, I wouldn’t go.

We decided to go home anyways. At home, Lil called..

Ssx: I’m lying on my bed

Lil: That sounds tempting

Ssx: come over

Lil: I’ll bring some vodka. But shit! I cant even stand up.

Ssx: if it’s too dangerous, don’t come. But if you wanna have fun, come. Come.

Lil: who will be there?

Ssx: no one.

What does he want? I mean, of course it’s clear what he really wants. But what does he want out of this relationship? That night, I want..him. So bad. Why does he have to come and go? Why can’t he just stay? And why can’t I stay mad at him for more than a week? Why is it that every time I see him, I will fall back to my old spot and be so tempted to repeat the whole thing? Estrangle-you is nominated in some categories for an award, and so is my group…and it left me mad. But why am I still thinking about him? Why is he in my thoughts every night? After that night, he kept contacting me… every night. Please leave me alone! LEAVE ME ALONE!!

PMS is a bitch. So I’m bitchy now. Sorry.

In The Closet

Normally, when a girl moved to her new apartment, she will dream of the good times she will have bringing back guys, thinking about how the guys in her life would react when they see their new place and what not.

I - on the other hand, was excited to know that no guys wanted to come by and I had the house all to my lonesome self. But as time goes by, I realized I needed someone to organize my stuff lying all over the floor of my living area.

Terry who went back to his country and had nowhere to put his stuff, dumped 30 pairs of his shoes from Gucci to some other designer pointies, many many clothes and more stuff at my place.

So I took the high road and ordered myself a wardrobe. A nice tall and very spacious wardrobe I would love to death for it’s the only thing that could get me out death right now for being so unorganized.

And the wardrobe arrived. I was busy putting stuff in the new wardrobe when I had the urge of buying more stuff for the room. I have to admit, with my bank account draining faster than I expected, I should be more careful and cautious. But I couldn’t help it, this room is my new heaven and I’m going to accommodate as many beautiful things in it as I could.

Last few months, in an attempt to replace the irreplaceable catfish I had about a year ago, I have been asking around if anyone around me was going to give out cats for adoptions. Yes, cats. Yea, the miow miow ones.

As hard was it to believe I was ready to adopt, it was even harder for my friends to believe I actually wanted a jumpy animal around this fussy ssx. I’ve had many experiences with cats. Have had some since 11 and often ended in a tragedy.

My first one was a black cat (with white socks) which I called Blacky. It was injured when it came to my doorstep asking for some food. We kept it till one day it started going to a Chinese neighbour’s house for food when it found a more delicious and fattening food being served there. One day my father was doing some gardening when he saw the Chinese neighbour walking pass our house. My father stopped him and wanted to apologize for our cat’s behaviour.

Father: Hello Mr. Chong, I’m sorry about my cat going to your place to get food. It stopped coming back and that’s when we realized it’s been eating at yours.

Mr Chong: No worries, Elias. It was a good cat. Guess it loved my cook’s cooking.

Fheww, thank God Mr Ching didn’t mind.

Mr Chong: I think you should feed it with pork. The cat loved pork!

Ick. My family and I don’t eat pork. And we sure take Blacky as a family as well. From that day, Blacky looked sick and sicker by the day. Few months later it was found dead behind the neighbour’s house. Pork overdosed.

The next generations of Blacky, which were all black and were called Blacky Jr, Blacky Jr III and so on were all either dead or lost.

After I told people I was ready to adopt, some said:

Sweater: it’s great, hun. But you do know that cats need a lot of attention. Youre touring, would you have the time to take care of it?

Mom: You’re allergic! And you have asthma!

Shopper: if the cat dies, you’re going to get it from me.

Isaac: euw. Your house will smell of cats!

Aiden: that’s great! I will help you take care of the cat if you’re away.

Curly: Fuck. I lost my cat and now you’re gonna make me miss my cat more.

What most people don’t know is that, I’m a very loving person. I may appear like a bitch but I could also be the most loving parent ever. I love kids and I think cats could be so much like kids. They eat expensive food and they’re somewhat a pooping machine at the same time. When I love someone or something, I give them my 100%.

What people also don’t know is that whatever I keep or plant or whatever..will die eventually. People say I’m cursed. I don’t believe so eventhough the capsicum plant I just bought at Ikea few days ago is dying dramatically by the side of my study as I’m writing now. Maybe cats are different. I believe cats could lower my stress level at 50% per sight.

I was kinda nervous knowing a friend was going to give out her pregnant British shorthair’s babies once they’ve been delivered. And I pre-booked one of them. I was already imagining what it would look like.

One problem though, my mother was right. I’m terribly allergic to fur, especially cat fur. I once was at Lil’s place which had more than 20 cats - the whole night and got sick the entire following week. It was bad.

The babies were supposed to be seeing the world right about last week when Curly called saying..

“The British Shorthair gave birth to 3 kittens. One died and I don’t think the owner would want to give out the other two. She was pretty upset about the death”

Then I had a thought, maybe it was fated that I’m not a cat person. Most modern people consider being single and having cats are the new pathetic singles who loved aromatherapy.

Maybe I am a modern woman who could do internet all day in substitute of having loved ones. Have coffees instead of friends to talk to. Have phonesex with strangers instead of someone we love to cuddle with in bed on Saturday nights.

But on the 13^th of January 2008, a specific place and time changed my life. My mother who was at my aunt’s called asking me to pick her up because she was really mad knowing some kittens pooped all over the front of her apartment in her obsessively loved plants.

She insisted on me picking her that very moment and by the way she sounded, I knew she would kick the kittens’ asses once she got a hold of them.

I picked her up and she wasn’t not in the mood to talk at all in the car. Once we reached her place, I saw all the shits were all over the floor and she just asked me to leave because she didn’t want me to be around to see her be so mad and I’d be the closest target.

Just as I walked out of the elevator at the ground floor, I saw two identical twins looking up at me and this time they weren’t Curly’s boobs. Their eyes were bright blue and they were Siamese. I went to the car to tell my housemate to come and see them.

When we got back there, there were three! I was thinking these were the pooping culprits which got me into a lot of trouble with my mother. I tried to pick one up when two ran away so quickly we couldn’t see them the next second. But one just stood there looking up at me still. I picked it up and it went straight to my nook. Smelling my body and was purring lightly.

“can I keep it?”

“what about the other siblings?”

“we take them too!”

“uh uh I don’t think so”

“but what if I only take one?”

“then the siblings could die you know”

It was love at first sight. I knew that was mine and I didn’t care. I picked up my phone and called the cat expert, Shopper.

“Babe. If I take a sibling out of three from the others, would they die?”

“noooo. They wont!”

After I convinced my housemate, we went into the car and drove off to my place. But on our way there, the cat got scared and flipped.

“Ssx, I think it missed it’s brothers. Let’s just take him back. Please, look at it. It’s really scared”

My heart was crushed but I didn’t want to be the one breaking up a family as they were the only family left for this little baby. We drove back to my mother’s place and as I opened the car door, I let it free. I thought it would be running back to it’s brothers. But it just stood there on the road, looking up at me.

“go! Go to your brothers!”

It just stood there still. Looking up at me with eyes that screamed, take me out out here. Take me with you.

“ssx, I think it likes you. let’s take it back home”

It totally put a smile on my face. In the car, the kitten was looking out the window and purring at the sight of cars and street lights. I have not had a wedding yet, but I’m pretty sure the feeling was just as good as how I would feel on my wedding day. I was in love.

When we reached home, I left it on the floor and it was walking around smelling each corner of the house. And at times it would look at me and purr.

“what would you call it?”

I smiled and I said..

“Mylo.”

The next day I went shopping for Mylo. IAMS, litter sand, litter box, flea spray, shampoo and more. There goes my DVD player out the window.

Mylo has been the bestfriend I’ve never had. It’s been so good and as I thought it would be a bitch to potty-train it, it wasn’t at all. After I gave it food to eat, I put it in the litter box once and Mylo did it’s business in the potty ever since.

Right this moment, it’s sleeping on my bed with Curly. Both beautiful creatures of The Almighty sleeping soundly with me staring at them lovingly.

And best of all, I’m not allergic at all with the fur. God has finally given me a chance to pour all my love to a cat.

Isaac has registered to be godfather and I’m sure he will be a good one. Sweater came tonight to visit the new born. Eric will be coming tomorrow. Shopper was the most supportive one among all. She sent me some extra cat food, litter sand and more. Terry who is coming back tomorrow has been so eager to see Mylo. My housemate who was scared of cats was so surprised at how cute Mylo could be going into his room, rubbing it’s face against his feet. He faced his fears and now couldn’t get enough of kissing Mylo. Sweater was excited to know that I finally get a cat. And my mother, she still doesn’t know the culprit is now sleeping on my bed.

Over all, 2008 is looking very promising for me and I cant wait to spend the rest of the year and the years to come with Mylo.

ssx

Lost In Translation

Weeks went by and I just realized that since I quit my job, nothing productive has been done. I get up late everyday. My PA Eric agreed with me. He just quit his job and we then both agreed on trying to be more disciplined. I’ve worked for 5 years and I thought this was the time to reconnect myself with me.

Isaac and I went to a gig last Saturday. It was held at an old bungalow and some friends were there performing. Curly only decided to join us when I told her that the vocalist who loved to pull down his pants during gigs was there.

Ssx: Curl, the guy is here. You’re going to miss his ass.

Curly: I’ll be there in half an hour!

Lorna (estrangle-you) was there with lil. Well, they’re bandmates. And they were playing that gig too. He came to say hi when his jealousy acted out on him. I was talking to his bandmate who recently has been contacting me non-stop. He sent me a very jealous text msg on new years eve when he found out I was talking to his bandmate the night before, on the phone.

The band, Estrangle-you, just released their first album. Lil recorded it not knowing that Lorna was just playing him. I heard people saying the album was good so I bought it.

After dinner, I sent Isaac home and I, went home. With Estrangle-you’s melody playing in my head, with their copycat intros and other familiar choruses, I started writing and writing while my fingers were beginning to feel weak.

I stopped and looked at the mirror. I saw a strong woman crying over the fact that she was lost. The woman who looked graceful in the eyes of the public. The woman who once said she would never sweat the small stuff.

I was talking to Isaac while all the tears kept running down my cheeks. I was devastated by the fact that I have been lost along the way. Along the way of trying to find myself, I came to a dead end.

I had to face the fact that I suck being a pop singer. I don’t sing well, I tried too hard, my fashion sense went downhill and my focus was all scattered. I looked at myself in the mirror once again, and I asked myself..

“what do I expect to be? Look at where I was, why am I here? Where have all the passions gone? Could I still see myself beneath all the superficial things I’m dealing with now?”

Maybe I hate Lorna not because she was fat, or the fact she was using everyone around her to get what she wanted or that now she has an album which was her.

Maybe I hated the fact that she got what she wanted, achieved something she was passionate about; music, copying people’s songs and trying to take away people’s happiness. Regardless of the fact that she had to use the people around her, make everyone hate her…she worked hard and she got it all. While me, I was just too lazy to make things happen.

For 9 years of singing, preaching about how some people are just so plastic, doing things just for the sake of money and fame…where am I now? Aren’t I doing what those people are doing?

I looked around for our demo cd recorded the other day and I couldn’t help but to cringe at my own voice everytime I hear it. I stopped the player from torturing me with the sounds of me trying not to be myself in my own music. I walked to my workstation and passed the mirror of stranger.

I dare not look at my own self. I pressed the backspace button till all the angry letter I wrote to myself was gone before me. Took a deep breath and started a new one.

Dear Ssx,

You are an idiot for letting a manipulative bitch make you feel this way. She’s not worth your time and tears. Please come back to your senses and let’s work together in finding yourself again. You have got too much to lose. The group put in a lot of effort and faith to make this work so don’t waste it. This might not be the thing you’ve pictured it to be. You have never wished to be on tv and singing pop tunes, but please be thankful that at least it pays your bills and please think of all the girls who would kill to be in your shoes. Do your best, not just at the things you love, but also the things you might find as another junction in life you had to take for you come to another round-a-bout. Which could open up to 4 or even more options and by then, you’ve got it all. The experience, the journey, the material for the sequel of singingsupermodel and maybe even yourself. Try multitasking but don’t ever lose your track for you will lose yourself again. Let people say anything they want to say. Let them do whatever they want to do. And you will find that those people will let you do what you want to do because that’s you. and no one else except The Almighty and yourself know it better. I will leave you to your own thoughts. Let me know when you’re ready to come back.

Love,

Ssx

I couldn’t go to sleep, tossing and turning and was trying to lose the strangling tune I suddenly remembered the movie Isaac and I was watching at his place recently. The effort of trying to hum the tune loved by me and him, got me tired and I fell asleep.

A tune suddenly woke me from my slumber.

Mmmm mmmm mmmmmmmmm mm mmmm mmmm mmmmmmmmmm mmm

I thought I was dreaming, but I wasn’t and I was humming to the exact tunes of the exact number played in that movie. I took out my phone and recorded my voice. Then I had a thought, maybe I didn’t find myself just yet, but I found the chorus I was more than willing to play in my head forever.

Later that day I spent the whole day going here and there sorting out some stuff for the group, our music videos and some contracts. While waiting on the couch of the production house, I looked into my phone and was trying to find some songs to play when I saw a file saved “Once”.

At that moment I knew I had to go look for the dvd and start singing the song and not just making up words to sound clever.

At home, I turned on my YM and there he was. All of his name appeared and so I said…

Ssx: hey papa.

Isaac: hey

Ssx: guess what?

Isaac: what?

Ssx: I got the dvd.

Isaac: what dvd.

Ssx: Once

Isaac: haha! That’s great!

Ssx: and am singing the song right this very moment.

Isaac: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAEB53-QILA

Ssx: ahhhhhhh

Isaac: beautiful song, yes?

Ssx: as beautiful as the movie. I’m singing.

Isaac: haha.

Ssx: what are we doing?

Isaac: we’re watching the videos of the song we love from the movie we love - on youtube.

Ssx: yes we are. This is nice.

Isaac: :)

After all the things we’ve been through, after all the heartaches, after being lost in a world of lost people, we found ourselves with goosebumps, in front of our laptops listening to a song which made us weak in the knees.

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

I’ve never been a fan of putting up lyrics in my writing, but I believe this one right here, is worth the corniness.

ssx

twothousandeight

As I am writing right now, it’s already 2:21 am and I’m in the midst of finishing up a few designs for an Italian company. They wanted me to come out few colour combinations for scarves - women tie around their necks, Muslim women wear on their heads or even on their handbags. I met with the boss of the company and he seemed scary. Just now, he texted me..

“have you finished the designs? I need them by tomorrow”

After scouting for many many furnitures at Ikea and few other stores, I came back to my lovely pad and started to find some nice colours to match European women. But since my laptop kept on hanging on me, I decided I should write instead.

It’s been 8 days since we moved to another year. A good year I suppose. 8 has always been an unlucky number for me but somehow I liked being known as one of those who believed that the number 8 brings good luck. Every year end, I would summarize all the things I’ve experienced and felt throughout the year and end it with some hopeful wishes.

Like last year, I wished that in 2007, I will come out of my boredom and step out into the light. I did. I also wished that I will somehow overcome the dreadfulness of finding guys to sleep with, boys to have fun with and men to have a relationship with. I didn’t.

While some Bangladeshi guys were washing my car, I read a newspaper and in there were some hopeful wishes of the leaders of the country, editors of magazines..easy put, successful people at about every field. Often ended by how much money they’re hoping to make. All the ups and ups. Better and wealthier.

One of them was a writer who was hoping that he won’t have the energy to stay in his resolutions lane and just go with the flow. I had a thought, if a person like him could be successful, what chances like an ordinary girl like me have?

On the new years eve, I was feeling excited when Isaac called..

“what are your plans?”

“nothing”

“good. Let’s buy some plants for my apartment”

As interesting as that may sound, I was still doubting the whole scenario. Why does Isaac need an organic thing in his very geometrical life?

For those who didn’t remember Isaac;

Isaac was a guy I met in 2000 (?). We played the same concert when I was singing with a ska band back in 2001 (or 2). What I could remember of him was that he was DJ-ing that night and his ex-wife was pregnant and was drinking in front of me with her son sitting on her lap.

I recalled of his infamous talent as a musician, producer, DJ, art director and more. But somehow, from the way he looked, I knew he was an asshole. I was right.

In 2003, I was madly in love with a vocalist of a band from another country named Dane. The band was one of them big ones that year and often came down for shows. Being a groupie not to his band, but to him I obliged on picking the band up from the bus station and send them to wherever or whichever studio they wanted to crash.

One of the band members, Kevin was heard saying…

“Dane always flock with the superstars, models and all the “cool” people”- giving his annoyed look referring to how the whole band will stay together except Dane who will always chill with the “cool” people such as Isaac and his (now) ex-wife, who was a model. Still is.

In my head, I knew Isaac was an arrogant motherfucker. And not a piece of him makes me want to get to know this guy better. Judgie-wudzy-wuz-a-bear.

Next thing I know we were at the bus station sending the band back to where they belong. I was lighting up a cigarette in the middle of the hectic station when a naïve guy from the band lit up his..

Isaac: you cant smoke here

Naïve guy: but she’s smoking (pointing his index at me)

Isaac: maybe she’s rich

Looking up at him, he was looking up at a sign that said “no smoking. $5000 fine”

What an asshole, I thought.

Years went by, Isaac got a son, divorced then dated a lady rapper (is that what you call them?), broke off and was single for awhile until he met an underage-strappy heel wearing Chinese girl and was in a relationship with her for awhile.

While me, I was aggressively dating some drug addicts, musicians and many other skinny and weird looking guys. And then I met Aiden who became the guy in my life for almost 3 years. And till recently, I was single. Single as in really single. I used to refer being single as going out on multiple dates with unknown mofos to distract myself from my depression. Some people take drugs, I overeat and date guys who can’t drive.

We engaged in a little YM/MSN flirtation over the years of us not being entirely available. But somehow, when I define first dates as the day you find out how the kisses are with the guy, Isaac and I have never even touched each other’s skin.

We talked almost everyday for years. I broke up with Aiden because Aiden thought I was having an affair with Isaac. How stupid. If only Aiden knew what was happening.

And to prove Aiden right, we had a couple of dinners, drinks here and there and often went around driving around his housing area.

So on the last day of 2007, I decided I would want to see how far this could go. Don’t say I’ve never thought or fantasize about Isaac, I have. Plenty of times. But guys like Isaac don’t come often. He is someone you could totally be blunt with. Someone who can be so mean to you and you could just smile and say “he’s mean, but he speaks of the most honest truth”.

He has been through so much at a very young age. And now, at his fresh 30’s he’s someone who can take all the bullshit with a smile while saying “IDGAF” (I don’t give a fuck).

I was waiting for the right time, the right moment. I figured since it was Sweater’s birthday and she had been bitching about the fact that Isaac was so perfect for me, I say..

Ssx: yes…let’s go get some plants

Isaac: sweet. I’ll see you at my place later

Okay I lied a little bit. Just a little bit. I went to see him after Aiden’s event. After I told Terry I was going to sleep. We snuggled, we cuddled. Isaac? A cuddler? As hard it was to imagine it, it was even harder for me to react to him touching me. He knew what he was doing and I was pretty sure he was worried that what we were about to plunge into might somehow jeopardize the friendship we had since years before.

His touch was soft, he voice was like music, his studio apartment felt warm, his tenderness felt foreign. It’s like being with another person. I told him..

“This feels so familiar. It’s like we’ve kissed before”

Maybe we knew each other too well before anything happened. That’s why when the moment arrived, everything felt right. The modern romance gurus tell us to kiss a stranger and if the kisses were great then everything will eventually be great. I’d like to know who started that urban myth, and I‘d gladly to kick her ass till her nose bleeds.

After the firsts, he played his guitar. His song. While talking carelessly with a cigarette between his lips. He was communicating comfortably.

“men like Isaac…they’ve seen it all” – an acquaintance once said to me.

At the plant shop, he was being so sweet. Maybe it was because of the fresh smell of the greens. Maybe it was the sweet lady who attended to us. Maybe Isaac is sweet. Maybe.

He bought two plants. Which he named after…oh well. It doesn’t matter.

We then head back to his place. With no specific plan to end the year, he took out two books from his shelf. Chuck Klosterman – A decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas, Killing Yourself To Live: 85% of a true story.

“you might’ve heard the name somewhere. Or read them in my friend’s blog”

There’s nothing like reading. In an air-conditioned room, dimmed lights, soft music echoing at the back of your ears. I loved reading books. Especially when it’s about nothing. Just words and some made up statistics of the unknown.

Isaac and I spent the new years reading Chuck’s words. Halfway through the book, I was hoping Curly who had to pick up Hammy who just got back from Bali – at the airport to be at a nearby mall. It’s her birthday and it was meant to be celebrated. Every year, I will always tend to miss it because of my endless party nights even though new year meant nothing to me.

I was determined to see her. Isaac, his bandmate and I walked to the mall to check out the fireworks. Walked back to his place after the countdown.

We were rolling around on the bed, he went down to get me a toothbrush and there we were again, in each other’s arms. Comfortable and it felt good.

I was a bit disappointed that I couldn’t be with Curly on her 24^th, but there will be more time to celebrate it with her. Curly, don’t worry. Once I make it big, I will buy you your Polaroid camera.

While I was not in my naked season and was not feeling so hot, I was just lying there waiting for things to be done. With the street lights dawning on on us, with the sounds of vehicles outside the window…something felt wrong.

I wasn’t feeling what I was hoping to be feeling. We didn’t quite connect. It was too fast. Though we communicate along the way, I knew we weren’t on the same page. It was excellent. Rockets flying. But somehow we forgot that one thing we were supposed to do. Slow down and be patient.

I became stiff. I was usually the one being in charged. I was so used to handcuffing guys to the bed and slap them like bitches. Why did I become like this? Why was I so boring? Maybe what Lil said was right.

And here comes the paranoia.

I was so conscious of how I would look in front of him. I was so conscious of how I sound reacting to his penetration. I didn’t let loose. For a man with many opinions, I became paranoid.

This has never happened to me. Why do I care so much? Do I like him? Maybe I do.

And as I looked at my watch and it was already 2008, maybe it’s time I should reconsider my choices. But don’t believe everything you read.

After all, 85% of the content might be true and another 15% might just be you – Klosterman

ssx

Young Men vs. Older Men

I have been absent from my own thoughts for a few weeks now. It’s not like I don’t have anything to think about, it’s just that I didn’t have time to put in writing and I honestly didn’t know where to start.

Let’s start with why I decided to put all of these in my head and call it what it’s called. Since I was young, I have this thing in my head that I could swear that I won’t be involved with anyone close to my age. Not a year or two older. Not the same age. Definitely not younger.

I remember being an outcast and was falling for a friend’s cousin who was a year younger back when I was 13. Wanting to have a boyfriend so bad, I decided to have a telephone relationship with this guy. I thought that was going to be it. I would get married to him. But of course, as we grew older he met a younger girl and settled with her. I saw him yesterday at my friend (his cousin)’s engagement party and he was looking good. He was the photographer. We’ll get to that if I still remember, aight?

So last week was a shitty week for me. No wait. This whole month. Let me start with how I was kicked out of the company I was working with. I submitted my resignation letter last 30^th November. And I was planning to give the whole office a shock about a week prior to my last day, December 31st, 2007. Turned out I was the one who got shocked. Since leaving the company got me excited than getting The Cure’s double disk edition, I have been waking up late and have been missing from the office so often, they thought I was already gone. Sweater was the only one who knew, I mean besides Curly. Sweater was acting all weird and I was beginning to think it was her. It was actually me. Since she joined us in the company, we got close and were inseparable. As lovely of an idea it may seem, she knew that one day I will leave that hole and come out to the surface to do my thing – once again. She knew who I was and when I will be gone so she was getting ready to lose me.

On Friday, I came in at 1.30 pm with a smile on my face. The president of the company, Harry called me into his office. When I stepped into his office, I saw all the management people in there looking at me and at that moment I knew I was fucked.

Harry: I know you’re leaving in about 2+ weeks time. But since your attendance these days are distracting other people from working, I think it’s best that you leave today. Ssx, your very awaited last day is today. Please clear your desk in an hour. The IT people will be there at your desk to check your pc. We don’t want you to steal any important documents of the company. Oh, and please keep this to yourself. Don’t go around telling cheap stories.

Yes. I was dying to apply what I’ve learnt in typing menus to my singing career. Old men could be cruel even though you treat them like your fathers.

Of all the years I spent there, trying to make things better, I was called a thief on my last day at work.

I cleaned up my pc. Transferred all pictures and the songs we shared into Hammy’s hard disc. The disc crashed. No memories left.

I was sitting in my new room looking at the white walls around me – trying to find the energy to peel my ass off the floor and start painting the room when Shopper called.

Shopper: Tonite, Bungalow!

Ssx: are you actually inviting me to THE Bungalow?

Bungalow, a new club in the city. It was so exclusive even a supermodel like me cant go in without anyone there I’ve fucked.

I have been saying no to partying with Shopper for so long I think it’s the best time to make it up to her. Anyway, I’m jobless and still get paid for this month. Just a broken heart, not a broken spirit.

I wore my new pants, with yellow Marc Jacobs top – totally looking cool and as if I didn’t need a party to get me excited, but actually I was very. Shopper was already drunk when I got there. Around me, I saw many celebrities. From the most untalented actresses to scary, loud models.

Shopper was trying to fix me up with a friend of hers, that’s why she was so keen on me being there. I was trying to get away from the whole thing so I walked outside of the Bungalow and then I saw a familiar face, smiling at me. He was cute. Wearing a pair of Cheap Monday skinnies, black v-neck tee and a lot of beads. He just got there and was walking towards me from the gate when I looked away and wanted to pretend to not see him when..

Cheap Monday guy: hey.. how are you babe. I told you I always see you around this area.

……….

Oh yes. I know him. We had the same show together. Remember the stadium show I had about a month ago? I thought he was charming when he talked to me backstage. He came up to me and said “weren’t you out partying last night at…”. I looked around to see if Producer was there and said “shhhh…”.

Producer knew me too well to let me talk to any beautiful men around me.

I thought the guy looked cute so the next day at the office I asked sweater since she was the only one I knew who knew stuff about the pop world.

Sweater: what’s his name?

Ssx: I don’t know

Sweater: where’s he from?

Ssx: I don’t know

Sweater: do you even remember how he looked like?

Ssx: Cute, I guess

Sweter: urrgghhhhh. Okay now let’s Google the concert you did then we could see the line ups and from there we could Google the line ups one by one.

The ever so supportive one third of me.

After searching and searching, we found him. Thanks, Google.

His name was Terry Zachary. Seemed nice and warm like a terry cloth towel. A singer from a neighboring country who was trying to make it big here. And he’s a year younger than me. Google, you have too much information to offer.

……….

Terry later said he’ll see me inside the club. I walked around alone in the club hoping he would come and see me, and he did. He held my hand and offered me a glass of drink - attentive and polite. He introduced me to his friends and many of them without saying my name - I knew he forgot my name. He asked for my number and asked me to spell my name myself – old trick. We talked about how we both started singing, I could sense that he’s young age has got something to do with it.

I learned that he was a professional football player in his country, he’s really into fashion, he was spotted by a known producer in my country when he was performing at an award show and more of his stuff. I was beginning to feel like we were talking about him, him, him.

By the end of the night, everybody was looking at how we were so comfortable with each other. I was rocking my Naima Mohawk and was holding hands with a pop singer. He walked me to my car and asked if we could hang out again. I smiled and went into my car.

As I reached my mom’s, he called and it felt weird because men in my world stopped calling after they hold your hands. Men in my world have more than a million excuses for not returning your calls for two weeks. Men in my world suck.

We talked and he seemed interesting. Maybe younger men are a new designer drug. In a nicer packaging and came straight from the factory. Fresh and addictive.

The next day, my mom wanted to buy a vacuum cleaner right outside of our apartment area. We could walk there but we didn’t want to carry the heavy vacuum cleaner up the apartment in the middle of a hot day. I was busy typing a text message to the council as I drove out of the security guardhouse

‘T-e-r-y- -w-a-s- -s-o-…’

*crashing sounds of two vehicles

Yes, I got into an accident. I was still in shock when two older men came to my window and were looking like they were ready to kick my ass anytime. I didn’t see anything coming or else I would’ve stopped, I swear.

Older man #1: what the ___! *&^#%# are you blind or something?!

Older man #2: you should’ve stopped! My car was halfway out when you came out.

My car was still in the middle of the street and everybody was looking. I opened my car door said..

Ssx: is this how 2 middle aged men talk to a woman? Huh?!

They asked me to park my car by the side and I was hoping we could discuss as adults. I was wrong. They were still raising their voices at me as if I was the one illegally parking by the side of the mosque.

Ssx: funny how two adults could gang up on a woman trying to fool her

Older man #1: we’re not ganging up on you! Stop saying that. It’s only fair of what I said. You think your car got knocked bad? Did you see my car?

Yes I saw his car. A lousy falling bumper from a 1985 car. The bumper should be falling by now anyways. Mine was a less than 3 years car, with my whole passenger door crushed.

After we reached to an understanding that they will pay for my car ( I don’t know how much), I went into my car and I felt like I should cry. But what for? I was a child who didn’t cry since I was young (we’ll get to that) but as I grew older and they said that crying make us feel better, I started crying after the slightest arguments or any misunderstanding.

But this time, I felt the older men don’t deserve a minute of my time and not a shed of my tear. I was not upset about the accident. After all it was an accident. But I was more upset about how older men could be such assholes.

We still went to buy the vacuum. At least we felt better.

Later that day Terry called and he was sounding as if he cared. The cynical me was telling myself, yeah whatever. Sweater and few others were worried. But only one offered help. And the sexiest one too.

Isaac: was the accident bad?

Ssx: worth about 500 bucks. I guess it’s bad, for me.

Isaac: if you need any help, just let me know.

Ssx: that helps

Apparently the young guy, Terry was so into me he agreed to help me paint my room. That night, I went to his place to get him. His place is just 5 minutes away from mine. He was staying with his producer, his PA and his producer’s daughter.

Terry who seemed so plastic showed me another side of him I never thought I’d see. He was sweet, funny and cute. The only problem was, he was a pop singer.

I’ve been through things like this plenty of times. When a guy looked as if they really wanted to help, they actually wanted something else. But this young guy I’m with, he’s up for anything. He’s full of energy and surprisingly, he painted my wall nicely. With full effort.

While he was busy doing my walls, I was busy doing Facebook. He didn’t mind. Once in awhile, he came over and kiss my head. It felt so comfortable as if we’ve met each other long before the night at The Bungalow.

He was helpful with all the stuff I said I could do. Like my workstation. He put my table together. The table I’m writing on right now. Makes me smile thinking how cute he looked trying to so hard to make it work. He had blisters on his fingers and I thought I should treat him to some beers.

I don’t drink beer, but he does. We stopped by at his friend’s place. They had more than one beer. They were playing the drinking game. They’re young and they didn’t mind their friends puke all over their bathroom floors.

We couldn’t leave the puke fest until we watched a video called ‘Two girls in a cup’ or something. Things like these could actually amuse them. I played along though I felt like a mother picking up a son from a slumber party (do guys have slumber parties?).

I let him stay the night in my room since I saw how sweet he was with me. Though I’m not so used to public affection, holding hands and more, I was willing to overlook all that and move to another level.

We had our first kiss. It was a bit shaky at first but we then had the best times of the night. Let’s just put it this way. By the way he did stuff, we knew he hasn’t been getting a lot of it, but he knew where to put stuff and he knew how to navigate them. Nuff said.

That morning, I sent him back to his place. In my world, we were supposed to pretend what happened the night before didn’t happen and act all cool with it. No kisses on the lips, no physical contacts, no nothing. Maybe the people of the era I was so into were too scared of commitments. We were scared that if we put ourselves out there, things get rough and we will lose all concentration in life. We have too much to think about, responsibilities, families, careers and we think that sex and relationships are a big waste of time. But when we fall for someone, we might jeopardize everything we had. People of his era hold your hand while youre driving. They inhale your hair smell. They kiss you on the lips and tell you how beautiful you are. People like me just smile awkwardly and say “yeah. See you whenever”.

Later that night, Fary was already asking me where I was going because it was Christmas eve. With my car in that condition and I was really tired going here and there trying to get my car fixed so I wasn’t feeling the hots to party.

Fary: you better come out. We’re going to Palette. There’s a float party something something.

Terry called asking where I was going.

Terry: it’s Christmas eve, where are you going? we’re going to the Bungalow, babe. Come!

I would if I didn’t have to pay 100 bucks to go in.

Ssx: neaahhh.. I think I’ll stick to Pallete.

Terry: that indie joint? I don’t think that place is my cup of tea. But please come join us at the Bungalow, alrite?

After discovering Pallete was a total boring place to party for Christmas, me and Fary decided to find another place to party. Somewhere cheap but classy – no such place.

I made some calls and I got a hold on a guy I called my so called brother. His name was Bullet, a big rugby player who used to take care of me since years ago. A very stern guy with a very soft inside.

He said he was at the bungalow. We went there and he got us in.

Ssx: hey big brother, I want you to meet someone. Someone I’m kinda seeing.

Bullet: who is he?

Ssx: a singer. From _______

Bullet: from _______?!?! Why do you always like guys from that country? They’re all self centred assholes..

Ssx: just meet him okay? He’s really nice.

What do I know? All I knew was he was cute and I seriously need to get laid.

After Bullet met him and was so sure he didn’t like Terry, he pulled me to all the places Terry couldn’t reach for me. At the end, I was partying alone at a corner where I could clearly see Aiden’s Indonesian juggy ex-girlfriend and rossa. I was bored and furious at the whole situation. i did shots and the next thing I know, I was being carried by Terry outside of the club.

Terry: what happened to you?

Ssx: fuck

Terry: babe, you alright?

Ssx: fuck

Terry: you wanna go home?

Ssx: fuck

Terry : (trying to find my valet ticket) hold on to me.

Ssx: I wanna go home..

Suddenly out of nowhere, bullet swooped in and pulled me from Terry who was paying for my valet and asked his other big bald friend to drive me home.

The next morning, I woke up to a new place. Fuck, where am I? As I walked outside, I saw bullet and his friends having breakfast.

Everybody: Morning!!!

Ssx: morning guys. What time is it?

Bullet 12.40 in the afternoon

Ssx: shit!

I promised my mother to pick her up at 7 am to go down south to send Jessica home and I was more than 4 hours late! I rushed home, took a shower and went to pick up my mother who was already more than furious with me.

But as usual, the coolness in her brought us back to where we were. While driving listening to Jerod’s work life as a waiter at Pizza Hut, my car went out of control. We pulled over by the side of the highway and guess what? My tire blew and it was really bad. Jerod and I changed the tire and continued our 4 hour journey.

Terry called and he was upset about the whole situation at the Bungalow.

Terry: what’s up with your brother? Is he even your real brother?

Ssx: he was just being protective you know

Terry: yea, but he didn’t have to just pull you away like that.

Ssx: I know. But they’ve known me for so long and they saw what happened to me over and over again when I met a new guy and they didn’t want me to go through the same shit.

Terry: so I’m the shit?

Ssx: no. of course not. I’m the one feeling all shitty now. Last night some guys actually worded ‘he’s not worth your time’ and ‘he’s no use in your life, go find other guys’

Terry: who said that?

Ssx: someone who knows you perhaps? But u know what, I don’t know you that well so it’s pretty soon to tell. Let’s just stay like this.

I was not scared of what I would say about him. I was more scared of what other people might think of him. Cruel and selfish, I know. That’s just how I am. It’s hard for me to be with someone who everybody hates. It’s hard to get around, it’s even harder to be with your friends.

I once dated a rockstar who was hated by everyone because of his arrogance, his rudeness to everyone and I couldn’t even admit to people I was dating him though the whole nation knew we were going out with each other. The rockstar got frustrated with me and slept with an underage girl and impregnated her. They’re now married and are the tackiest couples I’ve ever known (I’ll get to this).

We arrived back in the city and I was eager to ask the guys in my group of their opinions of my new guy. But at the same time, I didn’t want them to know. What if they hate him? I would be the girl who goes out with a guy they hate. What if they like him and suddenly I feel like breaking it up with him and I would be the girl who fucks up with their friend. Either way I’m fucked.

After Googling up his name and Youtubing him almost everynight I don’t see him, I got to know that he was just another American Idol – like pop singer who usually referred to as a whore by my close friends. Someone who only sings for the sake of fame. Someone who doesn’t know where they want to be. Someone who hasn’t discovered what his passions were and was still looking for it. Someone scattered and unfocused. Someone young.

Those things turn me off. I have dealt with a number of guys like that I really don’t mind. But at the end..i found myself being a career advisor to them. At the end, I was just a girl who they could learn from not to be in love with.

Some comments on this matter incude..

Manager: Ssx, guys like women who resembles their mothers. You are a real woman who knows what you want, maybe not in relationships, but life. Career. You’re born passionate and with a vision so they look at you like a goddess. All these while, they’ve been seen out with actresses from some B-grade movie who had the same passion as they had, fame. But when they met you, they found something real.

Eric (my PA): he’s a little bit arrogant and nothing to back it up except for his looks and moves. He’s really doing some PR with everybody. Guess he’s still looking for his ways here. He’s a bit lost I guess.

Fary: just go with the flow. If he doesn’t perform well, dump him. Just have fun. But you know people from that country. They want to be heard as the best but they’re really not.

Sweater: ssx, I know you’re really excited now, but don’t rush into anything you don’t want to deal with later. Have fun, but not too much..if you know what I mean. You said he’s perfect…don’t you think it’s a little bit boring?

Curly: hahahahahahah. What were we talking about again?

Don (the guy from my group who’s staying with me): HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND!

Tell me, if you were in my position, what would you do and what would you think I would do? The reason I asked around was because I’m tired of all the shit. i just wanna know the real deal and if it’s not up to my likings, I’d move on.

While I was dealing with a younger guy who wants to see me everyday, Aiden was having an event. Celebrating the launch of his night at a club across Sub. I was responsible of making the night a success aka the PR. I did the guestlist, the flyer design, the promotions..the works.

That’s just the kind of friend I am. As hard it was to deal with him as his girlfriend, he was just as hard to deal with as a client. I was having headaches until the day of the event.

Earlier that day, I was having a show at the Art Market. It was for some government stuff. As I was waiting for my turn to go up the stage, Isaac texted me saying he was going to a building right at the back of Art Market, where people go for gigs, art exhibition and stuff.

He arrived after my show. He used to date Producer’s sister. So he knew producer and they were talking. After that, Isaac, Curly and I walked over to the back of the building to check out some stuff.

We then head back to Isaac’s place for dinner. His place was even closer to mine. As we were supposed to be the doorbitches for Aiden’s launch night, we had to be at the club early. As we excused ourselves from Isaac, curly blurted..

Curly: Do you guys realize that in a few days, you guys have known each other for almost, what? 5 years? All flirts and nothing happened?

Isaac and I just looked at each other. So much has been said, so little things have been done.

He then texted me on our way to the club.

“your new hair make you more irresistible. Hello Curly”

I smiled when he did that. As if he knew Curly was capable of reading my text msgs for me. I replied..

“so what are we going to do now?”

“come over to my place after your event”

I have to say, after 5 years of foreplay, I don’t think I could stand being near him without trying to rip of his pants and start blowing him. I was still contemplating.

At the event, I wasn’t feeling so good. With 6 text msgs from Terry asking how I was feeling, who was I with, where will I be going…I was starting to feel suffocated. I like feeling special to someone, but in just one week, Terry had become from the guy I thought was cute to resembling a possessive ex-boyfriend.

Terry who was partying at Sub came to see me for a while in front of the club.

Terry: what was it that you wanted to say?

Ssx: Terry, I like you. But you know…there are 2 types of people in the city. Plastic and real people. I don’t know..how you made me feel, I uhmmm…got a little scared

While trying to find the most unprovocative words to a young man who thought he was ‘it’ and trying so hard not to offend him in any ways…

Terry: I didn’t come out of the club at 2.30 am to hear you waste your energy on saying stuff like this you know..i think you should..

Ssx: yea. Chiow (fuck off)

That very moment, I knew I should see Isaac. A man who’s matured enough to have a decent discussion with.

Back at home, while freshening up myself for the big night with Isaac, Terry called…

“I thought about what you said briefly just now. I know you thought I was plastic. Someone who’s clueless. But let me say this. In my country, no one is rich. We didn’t have the luxury of partying. Here, I thought I could have a little bit more fun you know. If I was that person you thought I was, why do you think I moved here? Sleeping in the same bed as my PA? why do you think I was doing PR here and there? To get shows to survive here. I know you’ve been singing and writing since you were young. But I just started and I know that this is what I want to do. You write about people and say things as if you knew what was going on about everybody in this world. But you don’t. yes, you don’t know me and I don’t know you. But please know that until now, I like you. And if this plastic person is bothering you, then ima leave you”

There it was, the matured side of Terry I thought never exists. I couldn’t say much. Maybe I was the phony one. Maybe the plastic one was me. Ever since I joined this hip hop group, I barely know myself anymore.

When a younger man could surprise me with their maturity, could older men surprise me with their childishness?

And after all these while of thinking older men are better, and no chance given to younger men, and somehow got close to a younger man and totally forgot about what i preached, should I go see Isaac?

ssx