Isaac and I went to a gig last Saturday. It was held at an old bungalow and some friends were there performing. Curly only decided to join us when I told her that the vocalist who loved to pull down his pants during gigs was there.
Ssx: Curl, the guy is here. You’re going to miss his ass.
Curly: I’ll be there in half an hour!
Lorna (estrangle-you) was there with lil. Well, they’re bandmates. And they were playing that gig too. He came to say hi when his jealousy acted out on him. I was talking to his bandmate who recently has been contacting me non-stop. He sent me a very jealous text msg on new years eve when he found out I was talking to his bandmate the night before, on the phone.
The band, Estrangle-you, just released their first album. Lil recorded it not knowing that Lorna was just playing him. I heard people saying the album was good so I bought it.
After dinner, I sent Isaac home and I, went home. With Estrangle-you’s melody playing in my head, with their copycat intros and other familiar choruses, I started writing and writing while my fingers were beginning to feel weak.
I stopped and looked at the mirror. I saw a strong woman crying over the fact that she was lost. The woman who looked graceful in the eyes of the public. The woman who once said she would never sweat the small stuff.
I was talking to Isaac while all the tears kept running down my cheeks. I was devastated by the fact that I have been lost along the way. Along the way of trying to find myself, I came to a dead end.
I had to face the fact that I suck being a pop singer. I don’t sing well, I tried too hard, my fashion sense went downhill and my focus was all scattered. I looked at myself in the mirror once again, and I asked myself..
“what do I expect to be? Look at where I was, why am I here? Where have all the passions gone? Could I still see myself beneath all the superficial things I’m dealing with now?”
Maybe I hate Lorna not because she was fat, or the fact she was using everyone around her to get what she wanted or that now she has an album which was her.
Maybe I hated the fact that she got what she wanted, achieved something she was passionate about; music, copying people’s songs and trying to take away people’s happiness. Regardless of the fact that she had to use the people around her, make everyone hate her…she worked hard and she got it all. While me, I was just too lazy to make things happen.
For 9 years of singing, preaching about how some people are just so plastic, doing things just for the sake of money and fame…where am I now? Aren’t I doing what those people are doing?
I looked around for our demo cd recorded the other day and I couldn’t help but to cringe at my own voice everytime I hear it. I stopped the player from torturing me with the sounds of me trying not to be myself in my own music. I walked to my workstation and passed the mirror of stranger.
I dare not look at my own self. I pressed the backspace button till all the angry letter I wrote to myself was gone before me. Took a deep breath and started a new one.
Dear Ssx,
You are an idiot for letting a manipulative bitch make you feel this way. She’s not worth your time and tears. Please come back to your senses and let’s work together in finding yourself again. You have got too much to lose. The group put in a lot of effort and faith to make this work so don’t waste it. This might not be the thing you’ve pictured it to be. You have never wished to be on tv and singing pop tunes, but please be thankful that at least it pays your bills and please think of all the girls who would kill to be in your shoes. Do your best, not just at the things you love, but also the things you might find as another junction in life you had to take for you come to another round-a-bout. Which could open up to 4 or even more options and by then, you’ve got it all. The experience, the journey, the material for the sequel of singingsupermodel and maybe even yourself. Try multitasking but don’t ever lose your track for you will lose yourself again. Let people say anything they want to say. Let them do whatever they want to do. And you will find that those people will let you do what you want to do because that’s you. and no one else except The Almighty and yourself know it better. I will leave you to your own thoughts. Let me know when you’re ready to come back.
Love,
Ssx
I couldn’t go to sleep, tossing and turning and was trying to lose the strangling tune I suddenly remembered the movie Isaac and I was watching at his place recently. The effort of trying to hum the tune loved by me and him, got me tired and I fell asleep.
A tune suddenly woke me from my slumber.
Mmmm mmmm mmmmmmmmm mm mmmm mmmm mmmmmmmmmm mmm
I thought I was dreaming, but I wasn’t and I was humming to the exact tunes of the exact number played in that movie. I took out my phone and recorded my voice. Then I had a thought, maybe I didn’t find myself just yet, but I found the chorus I was more than willing to play in my head forever.
Later that day I spent the whole day going here and there sorting out some stuff for the group, our music videos and some contracts. While waiting on the couch of the production house, I looked into my phone and was trying to find some songs to play when I saw a file saved “Once”.
At that moment I knew I had to go look for the dvd and start singing the song and not just making up words to sound clever.
At home, I turned on my YM and there he was. All of his name appeared and so I said…
Ssx: hey papa.
Isaac: hey
Ssx: guess what?
Isaac: what?
Ssx: I got the dvd.
Isaac: what dvd.
Ssx: Once
Isaac: haha! That’s great!
Ssx: and am singing the song right this very moment.
Isaac: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAEB53-QILA
Ssx: ahhhhhhh
Isaac: beautiful song, yes?
Ssx: as beautiful as the movie. I’m singing.
Isaac: haha.
Ssx: what are we doing?
Isaac: we’re watching the videos of the song we love from the movie we love - on youtube.
Ssx: yes we are. This is nice.
Isaac: :)
After all the things we’ve been through, after all the heartaches, after being lost in a world of lost people, we found ourselves with goosebumps, in front of our laptops listening to a song which made us weak in the knees.
I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along
I’ve never been a fan of putting up lyrics in my writing, but I believe this one right here, is worth the corniness.
ssx
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