“have you finished the designs? I need them by tomorrow”
After scouting for many many furnitures at Ikea and few other stores, I came back to my lovely pad and started to find some nice colours to match European women. But since my laptop kept on hanging on me, I decided I should write instead.
It’s been 8 days since we moved to another year. A good year I suppose. 8 has always been an unlucky number for me but somehow I liked being known as one of those who believed that the number 8 brings good luck. Every year end, I would summarize all the things I’ve experienced and felt throughout the year and end it with some hopeful wishes.
Like last year, I wished that in 2007, I will come out of my boredom and step out into the light. I did. I also wished that I will somehow overcome the dreadfulness of finding guys to sleep with, boys to have fun with and men to have a relationship with. I didn’t.
While some Bangladeshi guys were washing my car, I read a newspaper and in there were some hopeful wishes of the leaders of the country, editors of magazines..easy put, successful people at about every field. Often ended by how much money they’re hoping to make. All the ups and ups. Better and wealthier.
One of them was a writer who was hoping that he won’t have the energy to stay in his resolutions lane and just go with the flow. I had a thought, if a person like him could be successful, what chances like an ordinary girl like me have?
On the new years eve, I was feeling excited when Isaac called..
“what are your plans?”
“nothing”
“good. Let’s buy some plants for my apartment”
As interesting as that may sound, I was still doubting the whole scenario. Why does Isaac need an organic thing in his very geometrical life?
For those who didn’t remember Isaac;
Isaac was a guy I met in 2000 (?). We played the same concert when I was singing with a ska band back in 2001 (or 2). What I could remember of him was that he was DJ-ing that night and his ex-wife was pregnant and was drinking in front of me with her son sitting on her lap.
I recalled of his infamous talent as a musician, producer, DJ, art director and more. But somehow, from the way he looked, I knew he was an asshole. I was right.
In 2003, I was madly in love with a vocalist of a band from another country named Dane. The band was one of them big ones that year and often came down for shows. Being a groupie not to his band, but to him I obliged on picking the band up from the bus station and send them to wherever or whichever studio they wanted to crash.
One of the band members, Kevin was heard saying…
“Dane always flock with the superstars, models and all the “cool” people”- giving his annoyed look referring to how the whole band will stay together except Dane who will always chill with the “cool” people such as Isaac and his (now) ex-wife, who was a model. Still is.
In my head, I knew Isaac was an arrogant motherfucker. And not a piece of him makes me want to get to know this guy better. Judgie-wudzy-wuz-a-bear.
Next thing I know we were at the bus station sending the band back to where they belong. I was lighting up a cigarette in the middle of the hectic station when a naïve guy from the band lit up his..
Isaac: you cant smoke here
Naïve guy: but she’s smoking (pointing his index at me)
Isaac: maybe she’s rich
Looking up at him, he was looking up at a sign that said “no smoking. $5000 fine”
What an asshole, I thought.
Years went by, Isaac got a son, divorced then dated a lady rapper (is that what you call them?), broke off and was single for awhile until he met an underage-strappy heel wearing Chinese girl and was in a relationship with her for awhile.
While me, I was aggressively dating some drug addicts, musicians and many other skinny and weird looking guys. And then I met Aiden who became the guy in my life for almost 3 years. And till recently, I was single. Single as in really single. I used to refer being single as going out on multiple dates with unknown mofos to distract myself from my depression. Some people take drugs, I overeat and date guys who can’t drive.
We engaged in a little YM/MSN flirtation over the years of us not being entirely available. But somehow, when I define first dates as the day you find out how the kisses are with the guy, Isaac and I have never even touched each other’s skin.
We talked almost everyday for years. I broke up with Aiden because Aiden thought I was having an affair with Isaac. How stupid. If only Aiden knew what was happening.
And to prove Aiden right, we had a couple of dinners, drinks here and there and often went around driving around his housing area.
So on the last day of 2007, I decided I would want to see how far this could go. Don’t say I’ve never thought or fantasize about Isaac, I have. Plenty of times. But guys like Isaac don’t come often. He is someone you could totally be blunt with. Someone who can be so mean to you and you could just smile and say “he’s mean, but he speaks of the most honest truth”.
He has been through so much at a very young age. And now, at his fresh 30’s he’s someone who can take all the bullshit with a smile while saying “IDGAF” (I don’t give a fuck).
I was waiting for the right time, the right moment. I figured since it was Sweater’s birthday and she had been bitching about the fact that Isaac was so perfect for me, I say..
Ssx: yes…let’s go get some plants
Isaac: sweet. I’ll see you at my place later
Okay I lied a little bit. Just a little bit. I went to see him after Aiden’s event. After I told Terry I was going to sleep. We snuggled, we cuddled. Isaac? A cuddler? As hard it was to imagine it, it was even harder for me to react to him touching me. He knew what he was doing and I was pretty sure he was worried that what we were about to plunge into might somehow jeopardize the friendship we had since years before.
His touch was soft, he voice was like music, his studio apartment felt warm, his tenderness felt foreign. It’s like being with another person. I told him..
“This feels so familiar. It’s like we’ve kissed before”
Maybe we knew each other too well before anything happened. That’s why when the moment arrived, everything felt right. The modern romance gurus tell us to kiss a stranger and if the kisses were great then everything will eventually be great. I’d like to know who started that urban myth, and I‘d gladly to kick her ass till her nose bleeds.
After the firsts, he played his guitar. His song. While talking carelessly with a cigarette between his lips. He was communicating comfortably.
“men like Isaac…they’ve seen it all” – an acquaintance once said to me.
At the plant shop, he was being so sweet. Maybe it was because of the fresh smell of the greens. Maybe it was the sweet lady who attended to us. Maybe Isaac is sweet. Maybe.
He bought two plants. Which he named after…oh well. It doesn’t matter.
We then head back to his place. With no specific plan to end the year, he took out two books from his shelf. Chuck Klosterman – A decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas, Killing Yourself To Live: 85% of a true story.
“you might’ve heard the name somewhere. Or read them in my friend’s blog”
There’s nothing like reading. In an air-conditioned room, dimmed lights, soft music echoing at the back of your ears. I loved reading books. Especially when it’s about nothing. Just words and some made up statistics of the unknown.
Isaac and I spent the new years reading Chuck’s words. Halfway through the book, I was hoping Curly who had to pick up Hammy who just got back from
I was determined to see her. Isaac, his bandmate and I walked to the mall to check out the fireworks. Walked back to his place after the countdown.
We were rolling around on the bed, he went down to get me a toothbrush and there we were again, in each other’s arms. Comfortable and it felt good.
I was a bit disappointed that I couldn’t be with Curly on her 24th, but there will be more time to celebrate it with her. Curly, don’t worry. Once I make it big, I will buy you your Polaroid camera.
While I was not in my naked season and was not feeling so hot, I was just lying there waiting for things to be done. With the street lights dawning on on us, with the sounds of vehicles outside the window…something felt wrong.
I wasn’t feeling what I was hoping to be feeling. We didn’t quite connect. It was too fast. Though we communicate along the way, I knew we weren’t on the same page. It was excellent. Rockets flying. But somehow we forgot that one thing we were supposed to do. Slow down and be patient.
I became stiff. I was usually the one being in charged. I was so used to handcuffing guys to the bed and slap them like bitches. Why did I become like this? Why was I so boring? Maybe what Lil said was right.
And here comes the paranoia.
I was so conscious of how I would look in front of him. I was so conscious of how I sound reacting to his penetration. I didn’t let loose. For a man with many opinions, I became paranoid.
This has never happened to me. Why do I care so much? Do I like him? Maybe I do.
And as I looked at my watch and it was already 2008, maybe it’s time I should reconsider my choices. But don’t believe everything you read.
After all, 85% of the content might be true and another 15% might just be you – Klosterman
ssx
1 comment:
hey. this klosterman. he looks like this one guy from singapore. i think the band's called force vomit. i think.
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