Young Men vs. Older Men

I have been absent from my own thoughts for a few weeks now. It’s not like I don’t have anything to think about, it’s just that I didn’t have time to put in writing and I honestly didn’t know where to start.

Let’s start with why I decided to put all of these in my head and call it what it’s called. Since I was young, I have this thing in my head that I could swear that I won’t be involved with anyone close to my age. Not a year or two older. Not the same age. Definitely not younger.

I remember being an outcast and was falling for a friend’s cousin who was a year younger back when I was 13. Wanting to have a boyfriend so bad, I decided to have a telephone relationship with this guy. I thought that was going to be it. I would get married to him. But of course, as we grew older he met a younger girl and settled with her. I saw him yesterday at my friend (his cousin)’s engagement party and he was looking good. He was the photographer. We’ll get to that if I still remember, aight?

So last week was a shitty week for me. No wait. This whole month. Let me start with how I was kicked out of the company I was working with. I submitted my resignation letter last 30^th November. And I was planning to give the whole office a shock about a week prior to my last day, December 31st, 2007. Turned out I was the one who got shocked. Since leaving the company got me excited than getting The Cure’s double disk edition, I have been waking up late and have been missing from the office so often, they thought I was already gone. Sweater was the only one who knew, I mean besides Curly. Sweater was acting all weird and I was beginning to think it was her. It was actually me. Since she joined us in the company, we got close and were inseparable. As lovely of an idea it may seem, she knew that one day I will leave that hole and come out to the surface to do my thing – once again. She knew who I was and when I will be gone so she was getting ready to lose me.

On Friday, I came in at 1.30 pm with a smile on my face. The president of the company, Harry called me into his office. When I stepped into his office, I saw all the management people in there looking at me and at that moment I knew I was fucked.

Harry: I know you’re leaving in about 2+ weeks time. But since your attendance these days are distracting other people from working, I think it’s best that you leave today. Ssx, your very awaited last day is today. Please clear your desk in an hour. The IT people will be there at your desk to check your pc. We don’t want you to steal any important documents of the company. Oh, and please keep this to yourself. Don’t go around telling cheap stories.

Yes. I was dying to apply what I’ve learnt in typing menus to my singing career. Old men could be cruel even though you treat them like your fathers.

Of all the years I spent there, trying to make things better, I was called a thief on my last day at work.

I cleaned up my pc. Transferred all pictures and the songs we shared into Hammy’s hard disc. The disc crashed. No memories left.

I was sitting in my new room looking at the white walls around me – trying to find the energy to peel my ass off the floor and start painting the room when Shopper called.

Shopper: Tonite, Bungalow!

Ssx: are you actually inviting me to THE Bungalow?

Bungalow, a new club in the city. It was so exclusive even a supermodel like me cant go in without anyone there I’ve fucked.

I have been saying no to partying with Shopper for so long I think it’s the best time to make it up to her. Anyway, I’m jobless and still get paid for this month. Just a broken heart, not a broken spirit.

I wore my new pants, with yellow Marc Jacobs top – totally looking cool and as if I didn’t need a party to get me excited, but actually I was very. Shopper was already drunk when I got there. Around me, I saw many celebrities. From the most untalented actresses to scary, loud models.

Shopper was trying to fix me up with a friend of hers, that’s why she was so keen on me being there. I was trying to get away from the whole thing so I walked outside of the Bungalow and then I saw a familiar face, smiling at me. He was cute. Wearing a pair of Cheap Monday skinnies, black v-neck tee and a lot of beads. He just got there and was walking towards me from the gate when I looked away and wanted to pretend to not see him when..

Cheap Monday guy: hey.. how are you babe. I told you I always see you around this area.

……….

Oh yes. I know him. We had the same show together. Remember the stadium show I had about a month ago? I thought he was charming when he talked to me backstage. He came up to me and said “weren’t you out partying last night at…”. I looked around to see if Producer was there and said “shhhh…”.

Producer knew me too well to let me talk to any beautiful men around me.

I thought the guy looked cute so the next day at the office I asked sweater since she was the only one I knew who knew stuff about the pop world.

Sweater: what’s his name?

Ssx: I don’t know

Sweater: where’s he from?

Ssx: I don’t know

Sweater: do you even remember how he looked like?

Ssx: Cute, I guess

Sweter: urrgghhhhh. Okay now let’s Google the concert you did then we could see the line ups and from there we could Google the line ups one by one.

The ever so supportive one third of me.

After searching and searching, we found him. Thanks, Google.

His name was Terry Zachary. Seemed nice and warm like a terry cloth towel. A singer from a neighboring country who was trying to make it big here. And he’s a year younger than me. Google, you have too much information to offer.

……….

Terry later said he’ll see me inside the club. I walked around alone in the club hoping he would come and see me, and he did. He held my hand and offered me a glass of drink - attentive and polite. He introduced me to his friends and many of them without saying my name - I knew he forgot my name. He asked for my number and asked me to spell my name myself – old trick. We talked about how we both started singing, I could sense that he’s young age has got something to do with it.

I learned that he was a professional football player in his country, he’s really into fashion, he was spotted by a known producer in my country when he was performing at an award show and more of his stuff. I was beginning to feel like we were talking about him, him, him.

By the end of the night, everybody was looking at how we were so comfortable with each other. I was rocking my Naima Mohawk and was holding hands with a pop singer. He walked me to my car and asked if we could hang out again. I smiled and went into my car.

As I reached my mom’s, he called and it felt weird because men in my world stopped calling after they hold your hands. Men in my world have more than a million excuses for not returning your calls for two weeks. Men in my world suck.

We talked and he seemed interesting. Maybe younger men are a new designer drug. In a nicer packaging and came straight from the factory. Fresh and addictive.

The next day, my mom wanted to buy a vacuum cleaner right outside of our apartment area. We could walk there but we didn’t want to carry the heavy vacuum cleaner up the apartment in the middle of a hot day. I was busy typing a text message to the council as I drove out of the security guardhouse

‘T-e-r-y- -w-a-s- -s-o-…’

*crashing sounds of two vehicles

Yes, I got into an accident. I was still in shock when two older men came to my window and were looking like they were ready to kick my ass anytime. I didn’t see anything coming or else I would’ve stopped, I swear.

Older man #1: what the ___! *&^#%# are you blind or something?!

Older man #2: you should’ve stopped! My car was halfway out when you came out.

My car was still in the middle of the street and everybody was looking. I opened my car door said..

Ssx: is this how 2 middle aged men talk to a woman? Huh?!

They asked me to park my car by the side and I was hoping we could discuss as adults. I was wrong. They were still raising their voices at me as if I was the one illegally parking by the side of the mosque.

Ssx: funny how two adults could gang up on a woman trying to fool her

Older man #1: we’re not ganging up on you! Stop saying that. It’s only fair of what I said. You think your car got knocked bad? Did you see my car?

Yes I saw his car. A lousy falling bumper from a 1985 car. The bumper should be falling by now anyways. Mine was a less than 3 years car, with my whole passenger door crushed.

After we reached to an understanding that they will pay for my car ( I don’t know how much), I went into my car and I felt like I should cry. But what for? I was a child who didn’t cry since I was young (we’ll get to that) but as I grew older and they said that crying make us feel better, I started crying after the slightest arguments or any misunderstanding.

But this time, I felt the older men don’t deserve a minute of my time and not a shed of my tear. I was not upset about the accident. After all it was an accident. But I was more upset about how older men could be such assholes.

We still went to buy the vacuum. At least we felt better.

Later that day Terry called and he was sounding as if he cared. The cynical me was telling myself, yeah whatever. Sweater and few others were worried. But only one offered help. And the sexiest one too.

Isaac: was the accident bad?

Ssx: worth about 500 bucks. I guess it’s bad, for me.

Isaac: if you need any help, just let me know.

Ssx: that helps

Apparently the young guy, Terry was so into me he agreed to help me paint my room. That night, I went to his place to get him. His place is just 5 minutes away from mine. He was staying with his producer, his PA and his producer’s daughter.

Terry who seemed so plastic showed me another side of him I never thought I’d see. He was sweet, funny and cute. The only problem was, he was a pop singer.

I’ve been through things like this plenty of times. When a guy looked as if they really wanted to help, they actually wanted something else. But this young guy I’m with, he’s up for anything. He’s full of energy and surprisingly, he painted my wall nicely. With full effort.

While he was busy doing my walls, I was busy doing Facebook. He didn’t mind. Once in awhile, he came over and kiss my head. It felt so comfortable as if we’ve met each other long before the night at The Bungalow.

He was helpful with all the stuff I said I could do. Like my workstation. He put my table together. The table I’m writing on right now. Makes me smile thinking how cute he looked trying to so hard to make it work. He had blisters on his fingers and I thought I should treat him to some beers.

I don’t drink beer, but he does. We stopped by at his friend’s place. They had more than one beer. They were playing the drinking game. They’re young and they didn’t mind their friends puke all over their bathroom floors.

We couldn’t leave the puke fest until we watched a video called ‘Two girls in a cup’ or something. Things like these could actually amuse them. I played along though I felt like a mother picking up a son from a slumber party (do guys have slumber parties?).

I let him stay the night in my room since I saw how sweet he was with me. Though I’m not so used to public affection, holding hands and more, I was willing to overlook all that and move to another level.

We had our first kiss. It was a bit shaky at first but we then had the best times of the night. Let’s just put it this way. By the way he did stuff, we knew he hasn’t been getting a lot of it, but he knew where to put stuff and he knew how to navigate them. Nuff said.

That morning, I sent him back to his place. In my world, we were supposed to pretend what happened the night before didn’t happen and act all cool with it. No kisses on the lips, no physical contacts, no nothing. Maybe the people of the era I was so into were too scared of commitments. We were scared that if we put ourselves out there, things get rough and we will lose all concentration in life. We have too much to think about, responsibilities, families, careers and we think that sex and relationships are a big waste of time. But when we fall for someone, we might jeopardize everything we had. People of his era hold your hand while youre driving. They inhale your hair smell. They kiss you on the lips and tell you how beautiful you are. People like me just smile awkwardly and say “yeah. See you whenever”.

Later that night, Fary was already asking me where I was going because it was Christmas eve. With my car in that condition and I was really tired going here and there trying to get my car fixed so I wasn’t feeling the hots to party.

Fary: you better come out. We’re going to Palette. There’s a float party something something.

Terry called asking where I was going.

Terry: it’s Christmas eve, where are you going? we’re going to the Bungalow, babe. Come!

I would if I didn’t have to pay 100 bucks to go in.

Ssx: neaahhh.. I think I’ll stick to Pallete.

Terry: that indie joint? I don’t think that place is my cup of tea. But please come join us at the Bungalow, alrite?

After discovering Pallete was a total boring place to party for Christmas, me and Fary decided to find another place to party. Somewhere cheap but classy – no such place.

I made some calls and I got a hold on a guy I called my so called brother. His name was Bullet, a big rugby player who used to take care of me since years ago. A very stern guy with a very soft inside.

He said he was at the bungalow. We went there and he got us in.

Ssx: hey big brother, I want you to meet someone. Someone I’m kinda seeing.

Bullet: who is he?

Ssx: a singer. From _______

Bullet: from _______?!?! Why do you always like guys from that country? They’re all self centred assholes..

Ssx: just meet him okay? He’s really nice.

What do I know? All I knew was he was cute and I seriously need to get laid.

After Bullet met him and was so sure he didn’t like Terry, he pulled me to all the places Terry couldn’t reach for me. At the end, I was partying alone at a corner where I could clearly see Aiden’s Indonesian juggy ex-girlfriend and rossa. I was bored and furious at the whole situation. i did shots and the next thing I know, I was being carried by Terry outside of the club.

Terry: what happened to you?

Ssx: fuck

Terry: babe, you alright?

Ssx: fuck

Terry: you wanna go home?

Ssx: fuck

Terry : (trying to find my valet ticket) hold on to me.

Ssx: I wanna go home..

Suddenly out of nowhere, bullet swooped in and pulled me from Terry who was paying for my valet and asked his other big bald friend to drive me home.

The next morning, I woke up to a new place. Fuck, where am I? As I walked outside, I saw bullet and his friends having breakfast.

Everybody: Morning!!!

Ssx: morning guys. What time is it?

Bullet 12.40 in the afternoon

Ssx: shit!

I promised my mother to pick her up at 7 am to go down south to send Jessica home and I was more than 4 hours late! I rushed home, took a shower and went to pick up my mother who was already more than furious with me.

But as usual, the coolness in her brought us back to where we were. While driving listening to Jerod’s work life as a waiter at Pizza Hut, my car went out of control. We pulled over by the side of the highway and guess what? My tire blew and it was really bad. Jerod and I changed the tire and continued our 4 hour journey.

Terry called and he was upset about the whole situation at the Bungalow.

Terry: what’s up with your brother? Is he even your real brother?

Ssx: he was just being protective you know

Terry: yea, but he didn’t have to just pull you away like that.

Ssx: I know. But they’ve known me for so long and they saw what happened to me over and over again when I met a new guy and they didn’t want me to go through the same shit.

Terry: so I’m the shit?

Ssx: no. of course not. I’m the one feeling all shitty now. Last night some guys actually worded ‘he’s not worth your time’ and ‘he’s no use in your life, go find other guys’

Terry: who said that?

Ssx: someone who knows you perhaps? But u know what, I don’t know you that well so it’s pretty soon to tell. Let’s just stay like this.

I was not scared of what I would say about him. I was more scared of what other people might think of him. Cruel and selfish, I know. That’s just how I am. It’s hard for me to be with someone who everybody hates. It’s hard to get around, it’s even harder to be with your friends.

I once dated a rockstar who was hated by everyone because of his arrogance, his rudeness to everyone and I couldn’t even admit to people I was dating him though the whole nation knew we were going out with each other. The rockstar got frustrated with me and slept with an underage girl and impregnated her. They’re now married and are the tackiest couples I’ve ever known (I’ll get to this).

We arrived back in the city and I was eager to ask the guys in my group of their opinions of my new guy. But at the same time, I didn’t want them to know. What if they hate him? I would be the girl who goes out with a guy they hate. What if they like him and suddenly I feel like breaking it up with him and I would be the girl who fucks up with their friend. Either way I’m fucked.

After Googling up his name and Youtubing him almost everynight I don’t see him, I got to know that he was just another American Idol – like pop singer who usually referred to as a whore by my close friends. Someone who only sings for the sake of fame. Someone who doesn’t know where they want to be. Someone who hasn’t discovered what his passions were and was still looking for it. Someone scattered and unfocused. Someone young.

Those things turn me off. I have dealt with a number of guys like that I really don’t mind. But at the end..i found myself being a career advisor to them. At the end, I was just a girl who they could learn from not to be in love with.

Some comments on this matter incude..

Manager: Ssx, guys like women who resembles their mothers. You are a real woman who knows what you want, maybe not in relationships, but life. Career. You’re born passionate and with a vision so they look at you like a goddess. All these while, they’ve been seen out with actresses from some B-grade movie who had the same passion as they had, fame. But when they met you, they found something real.

Eric (my PA): he’s a little bit arrogant and nothing to back it up except for his looks and moves. He’s really doing some PR with everybody. Guess he’s still looking for his ways here. He’s a bit lost I guess.

Fary: just go with the flow. If he doesn’t perform well, dump him. Just have fun. But you know people from that country. They want to be heard as the best but they’re really not.

Sweater: ssx, I know you’re really excited now, but don’t rush into anything you don’t want to deal with later. Have fun, but not too much..if you know what I mean. You said he’s perfect…don’t you think it’s a little bit boring?

Curly: hahahahahahah. What were we talking about again?

Don (the guy from my group who’s staying with me): HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND!

Tell me, if you were in my position, what would you do and what would you think I would do? The reason I asked around was because I’m tired of all the shit. i just wanna know the real deal and if it’s not up to my likings, I’d move on.

While I was dealing with a younger guy who wants to see me everyday, Aiden was having an event. Celebrating the launch of his night at a club across Sub. I was responsible of making the night a success aka the PR. I did the guestlist, the flyer design, the promotions..the works.

That’s just the kind of friend I am. As hard it was to deal with him as his girlfriend, he was just as hard to deal with as a client. I was having headaches until the day of the event.

Earlier that day, I was having a show at the Art Market. It was for some government stuff. As I was waiting for my turn to go up the stage, Isaac texted me saying he was going to a building right at the back of Art Market, where people go for gigs, art exhibition and stuff.

He arrived after my show. He used to date Producer’s sister. So he knew producer and they were talking. After that, Isaac, Curly and I walked over to the back of the building to check out some stuff.

We then head back to Isaac’s place for dinner. His place was even closer to mine. As we were supposed to be the doorbitches for Aiden’s launch night, we had to be at the club early. As we excused ourselves from Isaac, curly blurted..

Curly: Do you guys realize that in a few days, you guys have known each other for almost, what? 5 years? All flirts and nothing happened?

Isaac and I just looked at each other. So much has been said, so little things have been done.

He then texted me on our way to the club.

“your new hair make you more irresistible. Hello Curly”

I smiled when he did that. As if he knew Curly was capable of reading my text msgs for me. I replied..

“so what are we going to do now?”

“come over to my place after your event”

I have to say, after 5 years of foreplay, I don’t think I could stand being near him without trying to rip of his pants and start blowing him. I was still contemplating.

At the event, I wasn’t feeling so good. With 6 text msgs from Terry asking how I was feeling, who was I with, where will I be going…I was starting to feel suffocated. I like feeling special to someone, but in just one week, Terry had become from the guy I thought was cute to resembling a possessive ex-boyfriend.

Terry who was partying at Sub came to see me for a while in front of the club.

Terry: what was it that you wanted to say?

Ssx: Terry, I like you. But you know…there are 2 types of people in the city. Plastic and real people. I don’t know..how you made me feel, I uhmmm…got a little scared

While trying to find the most unprovocative words to a young man who thought he was ‘it’ and trying so hard not to offend him in any ways…

Terry: I didn’t come out of the club at 2.30 am to hear you waste your energy on saying stuff like this you know..i think you should..

Ssx: yea. Chiow (fuck off)

That very moment, I knew I should see Isaac. A man who’s matured enough to have a decent discussion with.

Back at home, while freshening up myself for the big night with Isaac, Terry called…

“I thought about what you said briefly just now. I know you thought I was plastic. Someone who’s clueless. But let me say this. In my country, no one is rich. We didn’t have the luxury of partying. Here, I thought I could have a little bit more fun you know. If I was that person you thought I was, why do you think I moved here? Sleeping in the same bed as my PA? why do you think I was doing PR here and there? To get shows to survive here. I know you’ve been singing and writing since you were young. But I just started and I know that this is what I want to do. You write about people and say things as if you knew what was going on about everybody in this world. But you don’t. yes, you don’t know me and I don’t know you. But please know that until now, I like you. And if this plastic person is bothering you, then ima leave you”

There it was, the matured side of Terry I thought never exists. I couldn’t say much. Maybe I was the phony one. Maybe the plastic one was me. Ever since I joined this hip hop group, I barely know myself anymore.

When a younger man could surprise me with their maturity, could older men surprise me with their childishness?

And after all these while of thinking older men are better, and no chance given to younger men, and somehow got close to a younger man and totally forgot about what i preached, should I go see Isaac?

ssx