What are we fighting for?

I just got back from a karaoke session with a bunch of business partners I made about 2 days ago. Yes, since 2 days ago, I have become a self employed businesswoman. It sounded cool and I loved the idea of me learning new things, meeting new people, having new friends.

Lately, it seemed that everything around me was working against my effort of trying to be positive. All the men who got close are now astray and all the things I hoped for – went out of the window.

Remember the times when we were younger and all we ever worry about was trying not to pick a fight with a classmate, a teacher, siblings or even our parents? Now that we are older, it’s all about fighting what’s within us.

Since Terry came back, I felt like I was being outed. It’s not like i have feelings for him, but when a man gave his best at the initial part of a particular relationship, women will have a certain expectation throughout the journey. And when they don’t perform as they should, women will become paranoid and disappointed. Some women might say they don’t feel that way and they could really be okay with it, but 2% of their hearts will soar eventually.

Terry started of with full of energy and passion towards me and I was beginning to feel comfortable in that zone. Meaning I will always know he will always be around me. Physically or emotionally. But when he started his shoot being the co-producer for the series, he became..cold. I became a needy chick whom I was not and started to pester him since he didn’t see me for over a week. This should not be good. At the very early stage of getting to know each other, we have become one of those couples who fights over the phone at night and usually ended with one of the party slamming down the poor old phone.

Why does this happen? Number one, when starting off a relationship regardless of whether it was a real commitment to romance or just sex or even between 2 new made friends, it is advisable that both parties should give in just a moderate amount of everything.

Example, when you meet a guy, DO NOT let him know that you really like him. That is of course, if you do. Play the guessing game and you will find that the duration would last longer than a one night stand.

Second, DO NOT sleep with him too soon. When someone has seen not only your naked body but also has tasted more than just your lips, they have the license of imagining you in that situation whenever they like. There will be no more surprises, no more excitements to look forward to. Yes, I know that it will be difficult for you not to do stuff on a guy you just met at a bar who looked like Wentworth Miller, but whether you only want him for the night or forever, you have to restraint yourself from the temptation.

Third, NEVER EVER reveal too much too soon. From your sex life to your exes to your Keep it to yourself and you will find that when it reached the 5^th month of knowing that person, you still have things to talk about.

Of course, I didn’t do the things listed above. I went straight into their pants and play the ‘oops-I-slept-with-him-too-soon-because-I-thought-he-was-worth-it’ card. As they said, if you want to buy a car, you should take it for a test drive. And sadly, the cars usually don’t perform well.

That was the main mistake I made in most of the relationships I had. Terry was the latest addition. When he finally got back into my room, the air became suffocating. We used to joke around about things, watch movies and fall asleep in each other’s arms. Spend hours talking about fashion and again, fall asleep. But this time around it was different. The internet got cut off, there were no interesting movies to watch together and he became one big asshole.

The finger situation. Some homes are flooded with physical stuff, while others have to drain the emotional flood. One night, after a long day with the council, I picked up Terry from his place because he said ,”I wanna come home tonight”. While doing my nails in front of this very laptop which was playing SATC (the episode where SJP was dating Aiden Shaw). Terry was lying on the bed when..

“Babe! Check out SJP’s tits! They’re awesome”

“excuse me?”, looking at him with full of exclamation marks on my forehead instead of questions.

“rewind it! I wanna show you her tits”

“No!”

“why not?!”

“because I watch this episode every fucking night. I could know Chris Noth’s dick size if I wanted to”

I went into the bathroom and slammed the door. The truth was, I couldn’t handle the disrespectful words which came out of his mouth. With my expressions so obvious, I thought he would be clever enough to cover his mistaken words. Yes, SJP’s tits are amazing and even Mylo knew that but when the guy you’re sort of seeing says that in your face at exactly 4.23 am, you’d be mad for sure.

I came out with anger. I tried to look at the positive side. At least this could be the most perfect time for me to dump him. Or this could also be the time to prove to him and myself that all the things I overlooked all this while even when most of the people have already warned me, are true eventually. But instead, I did the SSX way.

“it could be me, but this is not working for me. I sometimes, I repeat – SOMETIMES feel that you don’t respect me, as a woman. I could be the coolest girl you’ve ever met who could talk about anything at all with my guy friends, but that’s between my friends and I. But when a guy I’m seeing talks to me like I’m one of the boys, it’s weird and wrong. Like the other night, when I asked you whether it was okay for me to take pills with coke jokingly and you gave me a fucking finger in my face…what did you expect me to feel? Yes, I do realize that this thing we’re having isn’t exclusive and I don’t want it to be anyway but please, if you can’t respect me as much, at least acknowledge me as a girl you just met and that fingers are definitely not permitted in their faces.”

I was expecting him to respond maturely but instead he said..

“I want to go home”

He stood up and started to pack his stuff. At that point it was already 5 am and if he wanted to go home, I would have to drive him. I thought, if I take him as an adult, as I always do, it could end with such a mess. I could be screaming trying to make him admit that he was wrong as how an adult shouldn’t be acting. But at that very moment, I just realized that I’m dealing with someone younger, someone who would never understand what respect is all about. What’s arguing and what’s debating. What’s a fight and what’s problem solving.

So what was I fighting for? My pride?

“I’m sorry Terry, but you were so sweet when we met and I never expected you to be this rude now. Remember how you were when we first met? You were sexy, smart and respectful ”

And just as I thought I was making my point and that I was on the very accurate side of the wall…

“do you remember how YOU were when we first met?”

I was left speechless. What happened to me? Why have I become so paranoid, so needy and so so so not like the singing supermodel I was? I went into the bathroom. Leaving the tap water running as I sat on the toilet seat smoking my Marlboros. That was my very favourite thing to do whenever I had fights with Aiden when we were together.

When I came out, and as I was crawling into bed, Terry opened his arms and took me back into his nook. Where it felt nice and safe. He then kissed my head and said softly, “I’m sorry”.

I knew he was but I always believed that when men say they understand, they don’t. They just want to cut the fight short and go to sleep. Because even when they say they will try to understand, there is no such thing as trying. It’s either they do or they don’t. In Terry’s case, he didn’t I assumed but I knew he was trying his best to make me feel better. We made up and it felt as though we have reached the next level of communicating…in bed at least.

I sometimes wonder, why do most people say that make-up-sex is the best. Why cant sex after a lovely dinner be just as fastastic? Have fights suddenly become the next best foreplay? My best encounters in sex would be with the worst boyfriends. The ones who treated me badly. The ones who didn’t make me happy. The ones similar to Terry.

The one person who could hide her feelings the best, Curly was fighting her way through trying not to break up with Hammy. She kept on sending me text messages saying she loved Hammy so bad but where could her dysfunctional (in her words) relationship go? I, on the other hand fought the urges of replying to the messages to avoid being the accomplice in her personal life. And plus, I was broke that I couldn’t make any calls or send text messages.

One night when Terry was out partying with his celeb friends, Aiden called. He told me something I never thought I’d hear from him. He’s now seeing a new girl. Yea, yea. I have been with more than 3 guys after him but I was still selfish and I cant take him having anew person in his life. I couldn’t fight the feeling. The feeling which could bring us back to where we were. A complete mess. As much as I thought I could fight the negative side of me, I couldn’t. I could fight with a girl over a tutu skirt at a Topshop in Singapore but this, I couldn’t handle.

As I flip through the glued pages of my past, I couldn’t help but wonder, could a relationship survive without fights? Could we fight the feelings we have in us?

And further more, when it comes to relationships, what are we fighting for?

ssx