Insanity is another break up away

When a certain man and a slightly less certain woman have constant fights with each other, for no specific reason, we take such situations as fatal incompatibility.

I have yet encountered many of these, but have been intrigued by the fact that they actually keep on doing this for years. My long lost bestfriend, whom i'm back attached to these days, Sean say that some are just suckers for relationship punishments.

It's common these days that women look for that in a relationship to feel like they're in a real relationship. The need to feel cared for and loved. Weird i must say.

Lately i've been seeing Sean. Very often indeed that some might think we're married at some point. We've known each other for years. About 1 year b.a (before aiden). We met briefly at a club when i got bored while my then roomie (aiden) was busy checking out some fake melon sized breasted women walking pass him and his friends at the bar. Sean was a sweet guy with shoulder length curly hair with a much too initiated fedora hat, a thick thick o'skoo glasses with a mouth full of braces. He invited me for a drink at another bar in the club. We talked and i thought, he's funny and sweet and far too charming...he must be gay.

Gay enough that made me feel so comfortable with him that i decided to leave aiden to his drooling and went back with Sean after knowing his place was right in front of mine, coincidently.

After being so close for so long, i finally knew he was in love with me. I was also very much in love with him, but maybe in a slightly different way. I loved him as a friend. We used to enjoy drugs so much, every weekend of the month, everyday of the week...u name it, we've done it.

From drugs galore to almost got rape situations to emotional breakdowns to face meltdown and finally, we set our separate ways. It was then when Sean started becoming worse and i, became less of an addict as i was starting to date the then-angel, aiden.

Sean was a big big addict who did just about anything that could make him fly high. When i met him, he was more of an alcoholic. When not being with me, Sean started to be who he was. He joined a younger group of kids to party and usually had to be the one to pay for their hardcore partying activities. I thought it was all bullshit and dodgy thus i couldnt take it.

Since at that point of time Sean was organizing some big big parties happening everywhere in the city and became so successful in what he was doing, i just looked from afar and didnt for once wanted to join in the flood of underaged kids who worshipped him in the name of drugs.

After i moved here, where i live now, and haven't seen those who would drag me back into the deep shithole, i kept my hands clean from what i called soulmate. Not even weedsmoke inhaled...and just that, i became the most boring person on the planet. When Sean called about almost a year ago to somehow chill with me, i figured he already came to his senses. Back to where he belonged, me.

When he came to my apartment, my roomie, joanne who's also a stick-figured-model junkie was doing her own version of bong therapy. It was a big big mistake. Sean came and joined her instead.

We were back to square one. We stopped talking till end of last year, i got a call from sean asking for forgiveness and to my surprise, the ever unsober man i've loved cried on the telephone.

I took him back but still, we werent as close as we were. Now that we have been talking to each other almost everyday, i learnt that he had gone through the worst time of his life. He lost his job, his event company, his car, his so-called friends and his dignity. He was in debt for about almost 20k. And at this point, no one, not even those who worshipped him came to help and thats when he realized he had to come back to where he was. Earth.

Sean and i have the most dysfunctional love of all. We went through thick and thin and i'd have to say that he's no angel but i love him still. He has this thing about being bad. When the word bad comes to mind, he still knows how to come back. And he faces reality...that's what makes it priceless.

...

Aiden and i have been trying to set our boundaries. Now that we're no longer together, we have to find a way to know what to do and what not. It's hard of course, because we still love each other and are so comfortable with each other which makes it even harder.

Maybe we were meant to be with each other, who knows?

I invited him to the theatre, as my date. Sweater and another friend were there too. All yuppied up as how he does best, we walked into the theatre with smiles and we were all very excited.

But at the end of the night, while we were in the car, aiden gave me a look like i ran over his dog. So i asked him what was wrong...what could possibly be wrong that wonderful night. He refused to answer and only blamed it on his exhaustion.

It was very clear that we weren't on the same page anymore. I used to understand each and everything he does.

The anger is mounting. I couldnt hold it in any longer. I burst out saying things i've said for millions of times and surprisingly, it still had to be said.

He could never change. He will never understand. There's this thing i have within me that always comes out as rage whenever i'm dealing with aiden. He brings out the worst in me.

“Face the fucking reality, aiden! There's a giraffe in this room and you pretend to not see it!”

Or didnt he?

The problems we had, never once being laid in front of us. It was always hidden and never to be discussed. In aiden's world, thats how you deal with problems, by sleeping on it – so soon it will be okay.

Confrontations are fights, opinions are insults.

I couldnt help but wonder..

ssx: What do you want from me, aiden?

Aiden who kept silenced in my teary screams replied

aiden: NOTHING!!

There it was. Right from the horses mouth. I knew it, there was nothing i could possibly give to someone who doesnt want me in his future.

So why fight it? Sean saw it all along, but i guess he respected aiden and our relationship too much to say it. I guess i saw it too and probably too chickened shit to face reality, just like aiden.

All this while i have been devoting my life for Aiden. I shared my dreams, my passions and i shared my life with him. Little that i know that he didnt have the slightest intentions of keeping me for long.

This is exactly why everything is so fucked up. When a gal finally opens up and let everything through, she gets this. A whole lotta crap.

And as i reached my mom's that night, i knew...we're not meant to be.

You can have the dirtiest past but still have the will to change for good. Or you could just be good and have no idea where to go from there.

Which do you want to be?

ssx