In the city, everyone looked like they were too busy to think about the past. As if the only thing they lived for, was the present or the future. As we look around the crowded streets, the subways, the malls we thought we could delete the bitter side of life. Like when we have a bad draft of written thoughts, and somehow it didn't quite turn out the way we wanted it to, we drag the icon into the recycle bin. Poof. It's gone.
But what about our daily lives? Could the past be deleted? Or will it stare in our faces so all we have to do is deal with it day by day? Pretend we learnt something from it so it wouldnt be too hard to swallow? Or do we keep ourselves busy till we forget about it. But what if they come back fresh in our thoughts when we were about to go to sleep at night?
The day after the night at the Gallery, i had a concert show and a club show only an hour away from each other. I was already on my way home in my car and was dreaming of washing the thick make up off my face when Brooke called asking me to join her, Pam and another friend of ours Jamie for Jamie's very belated birthday celebration. I would've passed on to this one if i didn't miss her cake cutting ceremony at Brooke's place.
As usual, whenever things like this happen, i managed to pull off the most fashionable lateness. I didnt do it on purpose of course. A certain group of people suddenly felt it was cool of them to gather around and plan for a riot the next day. Riot's fine. Another way of forming an opinion. But the queen won't be up by then, and even so..the queen was more than a gazillion miles away from hearing your thoughts, so why waste it? Use it wisely or you will look stupid. And no one wants to look stupid, rite?
I could say all these now. But in the massive traffic at 1 o'clock in the morning, i was swearing my fabulous ass off.
Ssx: move, you fuckin idiots! It's fockin saturday for goodness sake! You bloody stupid dumb...arseholes! What you lookin at? Never seen a woman swearin? Keep your eyes on the road, muthafocks!
As i reached home, i could see Brooke's car parked in front of mine. With a hand on the wheels and another one holding a cigarette, she yelled..
Brooke: Move that ass, biatch! We're late! (chuckles)
From the look on her face i could see she was ready to move that fabulous ass and she was looking fiiiiiiine.
We arrived at Sub. Yes, Sub. We were there on the request of the royal highness, Jamie. Jamie picked out the club and she picked up three hot men as well. Jamie was a doctor for the armed force of the country. She brought with her 3 hot officers who looked like they were ready to give us orders and we had to oblige to it.
Sub, known for it's capacity. Known for it's RnB. I knew it wasnt my thing. But it was for Brooke and Jamie. So whats music compared to eternal friendship? The men ordered their bottles and i was still waiting for an order from them asking me to take off my dress.
As Brooke and Jamie went to the dancefloor, i was standing at the terrace looking around. With whiskey coke in my hand, i realized that i spoke of Sub too soon. Maybe i was too quick to judge. At least it wasn't as pretencious and dodgy as Gallery. Suddenly, a friend of mine caught my attention..
Old friend: Ssx! Hey... (waved and was inviting me over to the bar)
I was surprised to see such an old face in quite a new club. I went over and as i was looking up to kiss the old friend, i saw a face i wish i never knew. There he was, all bald of him.
Rossa.
My past which i wish wouldn't be staring at me in the face and sadly when i had no where to run to. I just walked off leaving my old friend wondering. I went to my table and as how much i was trying to look away, he was there in the corner of my eyes. Thats how it is in life. No matter how far back you hide the memories in your brains, it will still be there.
I told Brooke i couldnt bare the whole situation and went downstairs and waited for the girls to be done. All of us including the cute officers. We headed downtown for a drink and a late night supper. While looking for a parking spot, Jamie who passed out at the back of the car woke up and insisted we pull over. She was the only one who didnt drink and only drank soda the whole night. She's a doctor, we couldnt blame her. But just as we pulled over, she opened the door and spit out some saliva and was burping. We thought she was going to puke but she didnt. So we continued talking in the car.
Suddenly, we heard a full force of water-vomit draining by the side of the car. There she was, the doctor who puked out a lot of water. We burst out laughing. How the hell did she do it? With very little soda consumption, she went from beyoncé like sexy doctor – to a chic who couldnt handle her alcohol.
While Jamie was trying so hard to cover the shame at the restaurant later, we were reminiscing the times when we were hardcore partying and was hardcore puking by the side of the streets in the city – long ago. Though it was funny, we still had a wish that we could erase all of that memory.
Then the guy whom i thought was only missing me at his unsober state of mind sent me a text msg..
Lil: How was Sub?
I replied and wasn't too sure of how to react..
Ssx: it was okay. Whats up, homie?
Lil: i was thinking if you were free later, maybe you could drop by at the studio for awhile. We could chill. What say you?
Ssx: i got my girls driving me. So its gonna take me some time to take my car and all.
Lil: bring the girls along. It's only me and Harry.
Suddenly, we saw few vans parked by the side of the restaurant and out came all the riot-planning crew walking straight towards the main road to the city.
Brooke got a call from her father asking us to come back home. Everyone was worried that the riot was going to start that morning, at 5 am. We went back to Brooke's. My mother was not at home and i was worried to stay alone. So i crashed.
Before i went to sleep..
Ssx: i gotta stay home tonight. Those people are starting to gather up all around the city. And i'm scared
Lil: there's nothing to be scared. I fell asleep waiting for you at the studio. Oh well..
Ssx: really sorry. Maybe some other time?
Lil: i hope there wont be another riot or any other excuses for you not to chill with me..
Ssx: dont say that. It's just the time. Just not right. We make it work..i promise
I promised. But will i be able to keep it? Looking back when we were just friends, were the times i wish i could delete from his memory. I was uggg-leh and he was fat. And the times when i was obsessed with him and he was playing hard to get, was the part i wanted to delete from mine.
But at this point, i just wanted to delete my arrogance because just as someone opens up to me, i get scared. Maybe it wasn't the riot. Maybe it was me. Plain chicken shitted me.
The next day, trying not to be a fussy guest, i slept through the day thinking i could avoid having to trouble the host. When i woke up, it was already dark outside.
I had a thought, maybe i enjoy being left in the dark. Like how i refuse to wake up in the morning and face everything in the sunlight. Bright and clear.
Days went by and Curly was already packing to go to India. Somewhere i longed to visit. When a certain people in our lives are leaving us for quite long and by long i mean a week, there wont be anything interesting enough for us to look forward to the next day – especially when you dont have someone special in your life.
I couldn't wake up the morning after i moved manually to my new place. When i finally had the courage to move my ass off the mattress still on the floor, it was 5 pm. And as i looked out my window, i saw the mountains, the village people. And it was lovely. How could that place look so safe and peaceful when its 5 minutes away from the deafening city? I couldn't believe how lucky i was to have that place finally. And never have i experienced smiling 2 minutes after i woke up from sleep.
I went straight to Producer's house to park my car there because we were having a show on an island up north and i thought it would be fabulous. I heard there would be thousands await for our arrival. Fighter, the Dj was there getting ready to drive us up there. Picked up Eric, our PA and off we went.
As we arrived there, as usual, i was told that i will be sharing a room with a famous' band's PR named Kimmy. Huh...kimmy...where have i heard that name? Oh well. Fuck it. I left kimmy hanging and joined the boys in their room.
At around 4am, we were still watching movies and wide awake. At about 5 i realized one by one went down. And at last, me. I was tossing and turning trying to delete the snores harmonizing in that room. It was crazy. Just as i was falling asleep, finally...
She left on a monday ♫♪ she's a siren down the road ♫♪ - my phone was ringing. And as i wanted to pick up the annoying call. The person hung up.
As i looked at the phone, i saw a name i knew who be the only one who could do such annoying thing...Amy.
Amy was a guy i knew a long time ago, while searching for my identity. He was okay. We were quite close as friends till he went to Middlesex to continue his studies. After years of making dates but failing to turn up to every one of them, he started to give me missed calls at 4, 5, 6 o'clock in the morning. And the weird thing was, when i called he didnt pick. So what was it that he wanted?
I text-ed him..
Ssx: what the fuck?
Amy: woah woah...you seem upset. Chill
Ssx: chill? It's fockin 6 in the morning!
Amy: its been so long and i didnt know you turned out to be an asshole over these years
Ssx: I'm not her. Ssx changed her number
Amy: what's her number then?
He had the guts to ask for my number from whoever he didnt know was using my number now.
Ssx: so you could bother her late at night?
Amy: okay dude, i'm sorry youre using her number now. But you gotta chill for a second. I knew ssx since way before you i think. I'm her bestfriend. I didnt know she had an operator aswering to her calls now. Sorry dude
I got so mad and didnt want it to end there..
Ssx: if you were her bestfriend, when you dial her number, you talk. Not hang up after few dial tones. Fuck off. By the way, this is her father
I thought he would run into a toilet bowl and flush his head for such an embarassment. But nope. The guy had more than guts and a thick skin to still send another msg...
Amy: Sorry sir. Tell her i called. How is she doing by the way? And is she working now? Tell her to call me. You have a good day ahead of you sir. Thank you and ...bla bla bla bla.
I looked at my cell thinking what the hell was that guy on that he could be so annoying. Now that was definitely a past i wish i could delete off my memory.
The next day, after the signing session, the radio interview, and all the whatevers we got ready for the real show. I wasn't a big fan of the local pop scene, thus i not know of any pop singers or groups. So as Producer started shaking hands with some of them and started chatting them up, i followed his steps and suddenly, i was shaking hands with a fairly attractive girl.. she said..
Girl: Ssx? Are you ssx?
Wow. Am i that famous now? That people i've never met before could recognize me from tv or magazines?
Ssx: yea.. and you are?
Girl: hi i'm kimmy. You were supposed to be my roommate last night?
Ssx: ouh...erkk (fuck) yea. We went out last night so i went back to the boys'.
Kimmy: ahahaha. Okay
I went straight to the buffet hoping to avoid her in that confined VIP area. While waiting for our turn to hype up the concert, kimmy came by with some of the band members and came to sit with us.
She sat across from me and was approximately 2 meters away from me when she blurted..
Kimmy: youre not ssx, rite? People used to call you donna, rite?
A name i havent heard people calling me since years ago. But yet still stuck to lil's tongue.
Ssx: yea..why?
Kimmy: you used to go out with Phil.
Ssx: sorry. No
......
Actually yes, i have had a relationship with a guy named Phil. A metal drummer of a used-to-be-famous band in the country. Though he was the first, i have deleted him from my memory years ago. Most girls would treasure everything they had with their first real boyfriend. I didnt. Phil was an ugly guy who was a cheating bastard and i went down to his level to be with him. He was 8 years older than me when we met. I was 18 at that time and was in college. Though he was a much older guy, he didnt have not even a bank account, a job, a real toothbrush and worst of all ...underwear. He shared everything with his siblings and yes, he was still staying with his parents. I think till now.
The only thing he was good at in his life was his drumming skills. We started going out because i refuse to judge a book by its cover so i tried. I helped him build his life. From having no money, no car, he had some and was driving my car nearly everyday. I thought why have so much and not share while some people had none.
My mother started sending him alowance money since i told my mom i had to use some of my money to go out with Phil. We bought him some leather goods when we were in china for him to start his new job. We did everything we could.
He had no cell phone, no landline so when he didnt call me for 6 days, i figured he was out of money. I didnt care. But when he drove my car and not for once pump any fuel into it and started putting off his cigarette on the body of my car, i thought there should be a stop to this.
I was driving an o'skoo white charade after nearly a year of riding on his old bike to the city every so often. My friends were surprised of how i could go that low to be with a man who was treating me so badly.
Things got worst when i joined a big band and it was my first big break. I got to sing alongside some big names on some big stages around the city. He, who was the famous one back then couldnt take the challenge. While i was there through thick and thin with him going to gigs with only 2 bucks (and all for the fuel) and painting his face for shows, he didnt even care about my singing.
One day, after my gig, he started throwing tantrums at me in public. He threw my meal at a restaurant in front of everyone. I left crying and called my ex, Boy who was on the island. He played Portishead's Only You on the phone and said everything was going to be okay.
Few months after that, i heard some shocking news from a certain guy saying Phil had been cheating behind my back. Taking out girls with my car. So i put a stop to it. I left him.
Years after that, when he saw and me he actually wanted to get back.
A girl, who was a roommate of my officemate got to know i was having dinner with her roommie and decided to join. She confessed..
“U dated Phil rite?...you found out about him going out with others girls. One of them was me. I'm here because i want you to know how sorry i am. I didnt know he had a girlfriend. But for the record, we didnt do anything. He did wanna do stuff but i didnt like him. He actually stayed over a studio i was chilling at just to wait until i gave in. i thought he was cool and all until he picked me up in this really old car..it was a white charade and it was ugly!!”
I smiled and said, “the calls he made to you, was my money. The phone he called you with, was my phone. The money he took you to dinner, was my money. The ugly car he picked you up with...was my charade.”
Yes, i was that stupid. But he was ugly so i won.
....
Kimmy didnt stop there. She knew it was me but still wanted to hear it from my mouth.
Kimmy: yes! You were donna. I knew you. I had a picture of you with the band back then. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. I can show you, producer!
Ssx: i didnt go out with Phil. I know him. But he wasn't my boyfriend
Kimmy: C'mon, you were wearing knee high socks, with spikey hair and lots of earrings. Thats you.
Ssx: and who are you?
Kimmy: i was Tony (the band's manager)'s girlfriend that time...kimmy, remember?
Ssx: Sorry, maybe you got fat and now i dont realize your face
Kimmy: well at least, i wasnt the one wearing knee high socks! Hahahahahahahahahhaahahahah
Ssx: still rocking it, honeh! (showing my fishnets)
Everyone was listening. Yes, i was that girl before but if i was unfamous and still didnt realize who she was, then she must be really ugly that i didnt realize her. And plus, what was she trying to do saying those things in front of everyone? She couldve pulled me in one corner and say it to my face. As my expression was getting more fake than ever..
Ssx: this shouldnt be discussed here
Kimmy: i wouldnt have discussed this here if you came back to the room last night!
What the fuck! Who does she think she is? She's just a PR for a new band who wasnt even famous just yet. Losers like her should be shot at sight. Not even permitted in a VIP room. Have being an ultimate loser in the past suddenly give you the right to talk like that to some who achieved something now?
I wonder if all the people who have known of my past would see how i've grown or do they still say...”Ahhh..that girl. She used to be a ____” or something. I never regret anything that have happened in my life except for that era. The Phil-ho-fuckit era.
I wonder, how do we know when the past is present? Is there a way for them to stay in the past and not be present?
We reached the city that same night and i was still horrified by that bitch though it was already 2.30 am. I was beginning to forget about the past and moved to my present. I have to let go of what was bitter and be brave to move on to my possible future, Lil. I felt like calling him but was too tired.
At about 3, i felt like looking at my cell when he called..
Lil: yo yo! Yo rapper! Hahaha. Where you at homie?
Ssx: hey baby, i just got here. In the city. Gonna take my car and going back to my mom's. What's up?
Lil: come and see me. I got a place somewhere. I wanna take you there. Call me once youre in this area.
Ssx: aiighhhhhtttttt
I drove into the city, stopped by a petrol station and i freshened up for the big night. When i got to the city, where lil had asked me to wait for him, which was in a dark area, i was impatiently waiting for the time to come so i could be all comfortable with him. Though i had been reserving myself, i've been missing him at the same time too.
15 minutes was the duration lil promised. 30 minutes went by and still he was no where to be seen. I was getting nervous. Looking at my cell, he didnt call. Then i had a thought, why do i keep doing this too myself? Let people push me around, like a puppet with no feelings. But if i had too much pride, how do i let people in?
Just as i was about to give up, lil's mpv stopped next to mine and he lead me to an indian restaurant nearby.
Ssx: hey! How are ya?
Lil: great! Come. I wanna show you something. Do you know that above this restaurant there's a nice hotel?
Ssx: a cheap hotel you mean? (gosh! Why is he bringing me here?)
Lil: it's kinda nice you know. We were out partying last night and was too fucked to go back. So we crashed here. After you (leading me to a staircase)
As we went up, i realized he was right. All that i imagined was wrong. The hotel was clean and not too shabby at all.
As we got into his room, i realized there were pills here and there. He was sweating...again. Saying the food he was eating was too spicy. I just lied next to his knees looking up at him. I thought, i looked fabulous and sexy and was surely feeling the hots for him. He turned on the tv and we were both lying on the bed. Suddenly, a song Curly introduced me to - saying it reminds her of me and lil whenever she hears that song – was playing in my head.
As we were watching tv, lil proposed to something i wasn't sure was too sexy.
Lil: you wanna pop half a pill? I could use a half right now.
I looked at him with an amazement.
Ssx: you sure? I dont think so. You go ahead
In my head, this whole scene feels so much of 5 years ago when you were too nervous being with someone you liked and you had to have something to chew on or be high on. This past is something i thought i would be able to grow out of now. But i guess lil couldnt.
He then lie next to me again and we were talking about one thing we had in common and that one thing was being displayed in front of our eyes, the ocean. We felt comfortable. And at times, we looked at each other.
And just smiled and somehow we knew we liked each other. Suddenly, as we were deep into each other, lil got a phonecall. It was his friend wanting to come over to hand over some stuff and i had a feeling the night was going to be over.
His friend came with a girl whom i presume was one of the girls they were partying with the night before. I fell asleep with my fabulous make up on, waiting for his friend to leave.
And as lil's feet kept rubbing to mine under my sheet, i woke up and to my surprise, the song which was so me and him – according to curly, was playing on tv. I looked at lil with a smile...but he was too high on his life.
I looked at my watch and it was already 7 am.
Ssx: hey, i think i gotta go
Lil: (looking frustrated) so soon?
Ssx: so soon? It's 7. and i think my mom's at home.
Lil walked me out and as i went into the elevator, he stood in front of the door and was hoping for a good-something kiss from me..
Lil: so...
I pressed the close button and the door closed.
Sure i didnt close the door to my heart – just yet. But the thought of him being too slow was something i couldnt handle. Not for now. I'm sure he wanted more than just to be friends in bed. But he had to put all his fears and what he went through in the past..in the past.
And of all the things i thought i learned from my past, i thought i could be more patient. Have we become so cynical that we couldnt sense romance at all?
Once we passed through this, will the romance still lingers? I wonder
ssx
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