the beginning - the army of me

it's the life of a singing supermodel you're about to encounter, read and maybe feel. life for me ain't like what people usually picture it on the stupid box. it's more complicated than that. but in this life of a multi-tasker like me, it's even more complicated...

after a big mishap that happened to me not long ago which leads to a trail of unforgivable sins, which i would call “The Big BU”- i've always thought that life would be simpler now that i'm alone and free.

no. its not.

for the little leggy me, i take myself as a very reasonable person. i can take a load of crap from someone and still smile. but of all the things i could endure...only one thing i cant take from anyone...not even my mom..is judgment.

i have made my peace to everyone. everyday of my life. trying to make time and happiness to people. because somehow or another things are latched to my back and i would call them “my responsibility” though sometimes its not. but day by day i get tired. of being put at risk. if i do this...i will get tired...if i don't...i will look like an asshole. i just tried my luck yesterday. i went back and sleep. i left 5 major setbacks.

why cant i leave a situation hanging without affecting anything, anyone? why do people put me at a certain stage where i'd be slavering myself to make people happy. It's like a show to them. A stand up silly joker trying to make her way out of her little box.

..

the band was pissed. have they ever thought of the journey in and out of where i live? at night? in the heavy rain? and the fact that it annoys me when i'm being pushed around – go here, go there, send this, shh.

we were supposed to go for an audition for this one show. which is good. but about 2 pm, they called asking in a very option-less manner “hey, we're seeing you tonite at the studio rite? the boys have all agreed. so it's your call”. like hello! am i supposed to answer that – taken as a question? or take it as a statement saying – YOU HAVE TO BE THERE OR YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.

i was left speechless. it's not like i'm such a princess that i can't go out for a little bit but i promised a certain group of people that i would go sweat out the office stress at 10 pm.

so i said yes. i will be at the studio. oops. yes, i always do that. you know how some people have sinus, asthma, eczema? i have a syndrome called the-i-cant-say-no . i have this certain urge to please everyone. maybe you suffer from it too. just that i'm a bit luckier than most, i have all of the above. yes. yes. yes. bad skin, health and brain.

so now that i agreed on going to the studio in short notice, i feel obligated to go. i went back with a friend, shopper. we sat, chat and planned on leaving home for the studio at 9 pm since i have to be there by 930 pm. shopper went straight into the bedroom and took a nap. i followed in soon after her.

i had trouble putting my eyes to rest. tossing and turning, i found that many are trying to plot me on the map. like when i'm not around, the world just dont spin. first its momma. then its the sweaters. then i realized..it's time to put my mobile on silent PLUS in non-vibrate mode and doze off!

sure there will be tears, dramas, long faces and obviously judgments the next day. but hey, at least my shoulders feel a little lighter it seems.

and fyi, the band made it through..even without the supermodel around ;)

ssx