Back from the dead

I have been below the radar for 4 years now and probably is the smartest thing I have ever done in the last 5 years. I am writing this on my desk, from my 1 day old laptop which was given to me out out of surprise so I thought, why not make a full use of it? My day 3 at this new office has been great. New faces we don't know ever exist, new sounds which make me laugh hysterically and people will simply pass a judging look knowing I was listening the whole time.

My days in my old office were great too. I'm already missing the old environment when it has only been less than a week. We, the old company and I were only an item for almost 3 years. That's how it is with me, when leaving the comfort zone made me yearn more of the old cube, I will always say "I'll be back". Secretly I was hoping that the old place would fight for me and maybe eventually I will be drawn back to it and would've stayed and everything will be....comfortable.

I was engaged to a man who I've never mentioned in here. The relationship lasted around the same time as my relationship with my previous company. Started off as passionate as a painter and his canvas. Crazy in love and nothing else mattered.

But Something happened and yes, it mattered.

My father passed on into the arms of his Creator. He whom loves him million times more than I do. I got this urge and was feeling lost, so I seek comfort from this man I call John. Like Mr. Big, John was a successful man who drives sports cars... living the life. That wasn't really the thing that drives.

I was drawn to him out of my own passion of finding a man, any man to be with and the least of quality I acquire was for him to just want to be with me. He was there, he cared, he listened.

Day by day, night by night, I was crying to just one song and one song only. Barcelona - Please Don't Go. I was so crushed on the fact that the only man I could trust has left this world. It was bad enough that my real father was never to be found and never tried to find me. John was there to protect my feelings.

Little did I know he never really wanted what I wanted. I gotta say that I'm pretty lucky to have not married him as both of us were living in a huge lie. A lie as big as an elephant and we thought the elephant was a furniture in our home.

Looking back at the way we decided on getting married. Let's see... One night, my cousin, Sasha, came over to pick me up for a drink at a nearby restaurant. John didn't join us as he was watching a game on TV.

Sasha: So...what's going on with the two of you?

Ssx: What? We're having a very good time. You know he doesn't let me work right? As in office work. Now I just sing and he's fine with settling all the bills for me.

Sasha: All?

Ssx: Not all! I pay for the studio, the car, everything actually. (confused)

Sasha: Okkkay. You guys look serious *rubbing her hands together trying to scoop out the juice

Ssx: Well, we've been going out for 5 months and we like it like this.

Sasha: If you guys are getting married, I should be the first to know okay!

Ssx: Marriage? NOOOOOO!!!

4 drinks later....

Sasha: OMG!! You're getting married!

Ssx: We soooo have to discuss on the colours, theme, concept..the works!


After we got married in our minds, Sasha sent me home and there he was. The groom, in his boxers.

John: What's up?

Sasha: I'm gonna leave you lovebirds alone okay. Tehee!

And Sasha left. Leaving me the chance to discuss the wedding day with him. I was so excited planning it and yapping all the way to the details, I never realized he was just smiling and he didn't say not one word to me.

I never realized it back then and when hell freezes over, he said it. He said the unspoken and it cleared it all. Why we were always fighting violently, why we weren't happy the final year we were together. Why WE didnt happen.

"I only proposed because I didn't want you to leave. I knew how much you wanted to get married."

That was it.

But right after I left him, I yearned how I felt when I was with him. Having so much faith that one day we will make it together. Totally oblivious of the fact that both couldn't breathe when being with each other. He was taking the air right out of my lungs when we're near.

When we broke up, I tried to become a friend. That person who he could talk to. Maybe that part of me wanted to just do it out of guilt. I felt guilty of not trying hard enough to make it work and bailed on the relationship I swore to myself to keep no matter how hard it would be.

Again, I was wrong. The heart was not there anymore. That's how it is with me, I will try my very best to convince everyone there are in the wrong. They told me John wasn't for me. I never listened.

So there it was, another breakup and he was left in the museum of SSX's ex lovers.

I am happily engaged to a new man whom I will never have to try to be happy with because he plainly makes me happy. Natural love, effortless. It just fell into place.

He could hurt me so bad, or I could have faith in him and let it go with the current.

Moving on from a company or even from a person does not mean anything unless you really are happy at where you are, who you're with and not for a second you ever wish to be back there.

So here I am, at my new old desk, new laptop and loving every part of it and no matter how hard, I will make it work...because it's not only about me and the company. It's about everything else too.

:)

ssx